Hit my Fiance and feel awful for it!

[sadronniel]

So, this is a long story with build up! Yesterday was my birthday and I was feeling pretty crap about the fact I had to work and I just wished I was off. In the morning my Fiance gave me my presents and his card which was lovely, I opened a few more cards and then dropped him to work. Anyway, had a pretty full on day at work but nothing bad happened, in fact it was a pretty funny day at work. When I came home, my other half was on our bed on his phone and was being his normal self but this annoyed me. No "well how was your day" etc the stuff I'd usually do and because this was my birthday I thought he'd try and make an effort to be "upbeat". I opened a card I'd got from my Aunt and Uncle and said "oh that was an interesting day in work" - going to tell him about the colons copy I got to help with and how funny this was on my birthday - and to me he quickly snapped "what age are you?" "26" "what did you expect?". Now he later said that he was "misunderstood" but this came across as him being rude to me. So I walked off and shouted "I was going to tell you a funny story in work but I guess that doesn't matter now" "nah nah it doesn't matter now" I then walked into our bedroom and said something like "yeah I guess it doesn't f****ng matter" and he says "alright Becky" (Becky is a mutual friend who my other half thinks is immature) I then get outraged at him not listening and whack and I mean whack him on his bum. I meant it to hurt. He immediately turns round and is like "what the hell!?" I said "I did it on your arse because I couldn't hit you anywhere else" and walk off. We then had to get ready for dinner with my parents and he confronted me about it on the way down. I eventually apologised but he was so angry. I was upset and felt so embarrassed. We had a nice meal with mum and dad and then walked home, I still felt awful and ended up just going to bed when we got home. He's just left for work there and kissed me goodbye etc but, I feel so awful that I hit him. I did it intentionally to hurt him and I couldn't help myself. When we were talking about it I said sorry about taking my crappy birthday out on you, I also told him I hate it when he compares my actions to someone that I'm friends with and he knows that it sets me off, he also said that if it was the other way round I would probably have left him and that I better not do it to our children. We've been together for 10 years and I don't think I've ever hit him like this, I saw red. The feeling I got was to snap him out of what he was doing and just listen to me! He suffers badly from anxiety and depression and he is very moody so, I just wanted my birthday to be different than every other day and be treated specially. I know I sound spoilt and I didn't have a bad birthday, in fact I suppose I had the opposite - spent with family, presents, food etc but I just hated that day. Just looking for some advice, I think my feelings stem deeper obviously but I just feel terrible about hitting him and I don't know how to fix it. Sorry for the long post as well!

[Keyman]

Honestly, it sounds like nothing was going to make this day good for you, it's like you woke up in a bad mood and it just got worse throughout the day. This happens to all of us and it is about how we deal with the day. You have seen how bad it can get now and so next time you start to feel like you are heading in this direction, you need to adjust your day accordingly. This should include letting your partner know that you are in 'that' frame of mind today.

 

To recover from this, you need to do a whole bunch of grovelling. Seek forgiveness from your partner and talk to him about how you were feeling that caused this. You did take it out on him when it was not his fault, so this is a good place to begin. Then you have to promise him, yourself and us, that you will NEVER hit another human being again. It doesn't matter if it is a man and he is bigger and should be able to take it, it doesn't matter how angry you are, NEVER hit anyone.

 

You will get past this, you just have to work together.

[RGT87]

Easy to feel mad at someone but hitting is never ok. I think it's common for people to be passive until they're so angry that they lash out verbally or physically. I would apologise and next time think about how you could be more assertive rather than aggressive. Perhaps pre warning him like can't wait to see you this afternoon and spend time on my birthday. Or whatever event it is. And if he doesn't respond favorably, ask directly. Depression isn't an excuse to ignore someone. Explaining that you felt hurt by it, or any action in future rather than trying get a favorable response from passive tactics will have better results for you. Good luck

[sadronniel]

Honestly, it sounds like nothing was going to make this day good for you, it's like you woke up in a bad mood and it just got worse throughout the day. This happens to all of us and it is about how we deal with the day. You have seen how bad it can get now and so next time you start to feel like you are heading in this direction, you need to adjust your day accordingly. This should include letting your partner know that you are in 'that' frame of mind today.

 

To recover from this, you need to do a whole bunch of grovelling. Seek forgiveness from your partner and talk to him about how you were feeling that caused this. You did take it out on him when it was not his fault, so this is a good place to begin. Then you have to promise him, yourself and us, that you will NEVER hit another human being again. It doesn't matter if it is a man and he is bigger and should be able to take it, it doesn't matter how angry you are, NEVER hit anyone.

 

You will get past this, you just have to work together.

 

Thank you for replying, I'm so shocked at myself for doing this. I never would have thought of myself wanting to hurt him but, I did in that moment and just acted on it. I've sent him a message asking if he wants to talk about it later but, I feel that he sees me in a different way now. Im so worried he might leave or that his feelings towards me have changed. We've been arguing for a few months now about our wedding, jobs and moving and I think I just had had enough last night. I definitely need to work on communicating but, I'm terrible at expressing myself and always end up crying even though I'm not "upset" I just get frustrated I can't express myself correctly!

[pippy longstocking]

I think after 10 years he knows you are not domestic abuser darling ...you lost your sh1t and he got it ...not good ..but look at the state of you now . So you just tell him everything , apologise with all your heart and try and look at how this built up and what you can do .

 

I have an explosive temper by the way and I have lost it so many times it would take me a month to write it all down ...it is about looking at why , the triggers and what you can do about it .

[butterfly45]

I disagree with everyone. If a man had done this to a woman, she'd be advised to leave him. You intended to hurt him and abused him, getting away with it by injuring somewhere that is deemed 'acceptable', i.e. hitting his backside rather than his face. I don't think apologising is enough, I think you need to seek professional help.

[caro33]

I wasn't really sure what I thought. It's easy for women to think a smack on the arse of a man isn't really hitting.

 

I just asked my husband if I did this to him would he think of it as domestic abuse. Now he's a tall jiu jitsu black belt and I'm a small and physically weak woman. He said his view would depend on whether I was being vicious. This was enough to switch me from agreeing more with pippy to agreeing more with butterfly.

 

OP, if you're frustrated enough to lash out physically and there's a chance of it happening again, I think you should go get some counselling to talk about means of managing and expressing your frustration.

[boltnrun]

You "don't think" you've ever hit him like this?

 

Does that mean you've hit him before?

[j.man]

I, too, am curious about this line:

 

I don't think I've ever hit him like this

Really does sound like you've hit him before, but maybe always to relieve your own frustration rather than an intent to inflict harm on him. Hope I'm wrong.

[glitterfingers]

I threw a pillow at my ex partner once while we were having an argument. He later in the night shoved me outside of our hotel room in my underwear and locked the door behind me when the argument started back up. He also escalated to physical violence in a number of future arguments. The pillow is what broke the barrier to domestic violence for him and that's a hard thing to take back once it starts

 

I think your partner's reaction in this situation is justified and healthy, and you should be grateful with how he's handled the situation. Take the time and space to feel the remorse for what you've done and learn from this

 

It's good you are concerned. You should be

[sadronniel]

I've never hit him before in anger, more in like a playful way like if he was teasing me and I thought it was funny like a harmless tap kinda thing. I completely agree with if it was the other way round I would have cracked up and been so upset about it because the intent was there to hurt him. He's messaged me back and said he was sorry for antagonising me but it's not an excuse and I don't want him to feel like this is his fault. I've considered counselling recently as I've felt that I'm spiralling out of control of my mental wellbeing. I've been trying to help with his problems and have been ignoring my own mental wellbeing. And this is the end result of this. Taking it out on the one person that I love more than anything in the whole world and I feel absolutely terrible for it. Thank you everyone for replying to me - it's helped me.

[abitbroken]

I've never hit him before in anger, more in like a playful way like if he was teasing me and I thought it was funny like a harmless tap kinda thing. I completely agree with if it was the other way round I would have cracked up and been so upset about it because the intent was there to hurt him. He's messaged me back and said he was sorry for antagonising me but it's not an excuse and I don't want him to feel like this is his fault. I've considered counselling recently as I've felt that I'm spiralling out of control of my mental wellbeing. I've been trying to help with his problems and have been ignoring my own mental wellbeing. And this is the end result of this. Taking it out on the one person that I love more than anything in the whole world and I feel absolutely terrible for it. Thank you everyone for replying to me - it's helped me.

 

YES. Go to counseling if you feel you are spiraling out of control. If you had a ty day, you should have come in and just have been happy to be home. You definitely took it out on him and had unfair expectations for him. what disturbs me is that you said you hit him in the rear because its the only place you could (the only place you could reach i interpreted it as). So this was not a love tap - you intended to hurt and if you don't get help, is it his face next time? Yes, yes, get help.

[katrina1980]

What troubles me is this comment from OP:

 

"I mean whack and I "meant" for it to hurt."

 

Imagine a guy admitting such a thing about a "whack" he gave his gf.

 

Op pls think hard about why you chose to react that way. By intentionally inflicting physical pain.

 

This would be a dealbreaker for me, and would think most people.

 

It's not where you whacked him, but about the intention behind the act.

 

Abuse typically escalates too. I mean you said yourself your "hitting" started out playfully; but look how it escalated.

 

It will get worse too unless and until you get a handle on it.

 

I applaud you for taking responsibility for it though, that is the first step.

 

Good luck.

[sadronniel]

Yeah, I know I meant it to hurt him which is what scared me. But I've never hit him. Ignore me talking about the teasing thing and hitting. I've never hit him - it's coming across as though I have lol. Well have a chat tonight about it and try and sort out our problems but, I definitely am going to counselling. I need to do it for myself more than anything.

[Giblesp]

Sounds like your from the UK (use of the word arse)

 

Its very common for women to hit men nowadays, youtube the reactions of men getting hit by women and its seen as something comical. Of course, when its men hitting women the police take the man away in an instant. Without reading the comments on this thread, I predict that many of them are going to be sympathetic to you as your a woman. If you were a man, you'd be crucified.

 

You hit him on the arse this time round, and you did it to cause him pain. If a man did that to a woman, he'd possibly be facing prison. As your a woman, there will most probably never be any legal consequences.

 

If it were me, I'd get out of there now as I don't tolerate physical abuse. Unless he's a total doormat he's probably giving serious consideration to not spending the rest of his life with someone who could beat him. Once the first strike has taken place, the second strike is a lot easier. Are you also giving verbal and/or emotional abuse?

 

What I suggest to you, is to get yourself some therapy in anger management. If you take action to manage your temper he might feel safe enough with you again. But bear in mind that you might have lost him for good.

[Giblesp]

It's easy for women to think a smack on the arse of a man isn't really hitting.

 

.

 

This is the sort of attitude Im talking about. A woman hitting a man isn't really hitting, as its on the arse?! So if a man hit a woman on the arse, would that be hitting? Obviously. Double standards.

[katrina1980]

Yeah, I know I meant it to hurt him which is what scared me. But I've never hit him. Ignore me talking about the teasing thing and hitting. I've never hit him - it's coming across as though I have lol. Well have a chat tonight about it and try and sort out our problems but, I definitely am going to counselling. I need to do it for myself more than anything.

 

I am glad to hear that! And wish you luck.

 

But take issue with your assertion you've "never" hit him before.

 

Even hard core abusers who beat the crap out of their girlfriends/wives had a first time.

 

Not suggesting you're anywhere close to that, just making a point.

 

It starts somewhere and there is always a first time.

 

But again, applaud you for acknowledging and taking responsibility for.

 

Best of luck!

[itsallgrand]

Yes, book some councilling today. Not tomorrow, just pick up the phone and start making calls.

 

What stuck up to me is that once you struck him with the intent to hurt, and with a deliberate choice to hurt him somewhere it wouldn't leave marks people would see in public, you didn't ever 'wake up' and realize that what you were doing was plain wrong. You were still going off about how he 'mistreated' you and were trying to get him to apologize to you! The entitlement there, the audacity. It's striking to me.

[sadronniel]

I've never mentally/emotionally abused him - he's been the one that has snapped at me for these past few months because of his anxiety and I've had to take it because I know it's not "him". This is extremely out of my character. I've never been nasty or hit anyone and this is why I'm shocked. I don't know what he thinks of me now, as I know that if it was him who'd hit me I would be in shock. He might know that because this is out of my character that he's willing to look past it. It might be my only saving grace.

[sadronniel]

Yes, book some councilling today. Not tomorrow, just pick up the phone and start making calls.

 

What stuck up to me is that once you struck him with the intent to hurt, and with a deliberate choice to hurt him somewhere it wouldn't leave marks people would see in public, you didn't ever 'wake up' and realize that what you were doing was plain wrong. You were still going off about how he 'mistreated' you and were trying to get him to apologize to you! The entitlement there, the audacity. It's striking to me.

 

Okay I wasn't thinking "where could I hit him that no one else would see" that would be pure evil. It was a moment of red. I'm not a horrible person but then again, that doesn't come across in message form. I'm going to email a few counsellors when I get home from work tonight and start from there. I don't know if I said I wanted him to apologise? I'll have to look back on my original messages?

[DancingFool]

It's quite obvious from your posts that you're not that kind of a person and this event is a shock to you and you are horrified and rightfully so. You had a volcanic eruption of catastrophic proportions. Your partner is also aware that this is completely out of character and I think he knows you better than anyone here. It doesn't seem to me that this was a result of a bad day or a bad mood, but rather possibly years of pent up frustrations, which means that your conflict resolution skills are sorely lacking.

 

This should be a wake up call to both of you that there are serious, major, ongoing issues between the two of you that are going unaddressed and that this status quo absolutely cannot continue. If you bury your head in the sand and continue on with your relationship without acknowledging and addressing what all is wrong with it, you WILL do this again. It might take you another 5 years to get there, but you will find yourself punching your partner again. You absolutely need to take responsibility for allowing yourself to get to this level of frustration without addressing things before it got that bad and you need to start unraveling ALL that lead up to it.

 

You mention over and over that he has been suffering from depression and anxiety and that you've been trying to help him and fix him. You can't fix him. He needs to get cracking at fixing his own issues. Just like you need to be calling and setting up a therapist appointment, so does he. Don't ever underestimate the strain and damage his issues have on you. That does not excuse your actions. You are responsible for your own emotions and actions and conflict resolution skills. He didn't raise your hand, you did.

 

I'll just emphasize that this event could be a huge growth event for the both of you in terms of resolving your respective issues and becoming better, healthier people or even recognizing that just because you've been with someone for 10 years, doesn't mean you should continue with that.

[Giblesp]

It's quite obvious from your posts that you're not that kind of a person and this event is a shock to you and you are horrified and rightfully so. You had a volcanic eruption of catastrophic proportions. Your partner is also aware that this is completely out of character and I think he knows you better than anyone here. It doesn't seem to me that this was a result of a bad day or a bad mood, but rather possibly years of pent up frustrations, which means that your conflict resolution skills are sorely lacking.

 

This should be a wake up call to both of you that there are serious, major, ongoing issues between the two of you that are going unaddressed and that this status quo absolutely cannot continue. If you bury your head in the sand and continue on with your relationship without acknowledging and addressing what all is wrong with it, you WILL do this again. It might take you another 5 years to get there, but you will find yourself punching your partner again. You absolutely need to take responsibility for allowing yourself to get to this level of frustration without addressing things before it got that bad and you need to start unraveling ALL that lead up to it.

 

You mention over and over that he has been suffering from depression and anxiety and that you've been trying to help him and fix him. You can't fix him. He needs to get cracking at fixing his own issues. Just like you need to be calling and setting up a therapist appointment, so does he. Don't ever underestimate the strain and damage his issues have on you. That does not excuse your actions. You are responsible for your own emotions and actions and conflict resolution skills. He didn't raise your hand, you did.

 

I'll just emphasize that this event could be a huge growth event for the both of you in terms of resolving your respective issues and becoming better, healthier people or even recognizing that just because you've been with someone for 10 years, doesn't mean you should continue with that.

 

If OP was a man who'd just hit a woman would you be saying the same thing?

[itsallgrand]

Okay I wasn't thinking "where could I hit him that no one else would see" that would be pure evil. It was a moment of red. I'm not a horrible person but then again, that doesn't come across in message form. I'm going to email a few counsellors when I get home from work tonight and start from there. I don't know if I said I wanted him to apologise? I'll have to look back on my original messages?

 

I read between the lines a little, I admit. Seeing how you still went to dinner with your parents. Would you have done that had you hit him where they would see? Did you just pretend during dinner that nothing had happened? Can you imagine how that would feel for him?

 

My point was that instead of immediately snapping out of it had you really been out of control, you continued to not take responsibility afterwards, through a dinner with your folks, and getting home. You sulked on the couch, he came to you in the morning and kissed you. Even later, whenyou talked, you put it on him- how he shouldn't say things like he did, how it was a bad day.

 

So yeah, I stand by that you don't get the severity of it. You are still thinking of you. Not him. No reflection of empathy for how he feels. Just worried he may leave you or see you differently.

 

Let us know how the hunt for a councillor goes.

[DancingFool]

If OP was a man who'd just hit a woman would you be saying the same thing?

 

Given the specific particulars of this particular situation, yes. Life is not black and white where you just get to scream abuse 100% of the time and it's not as simple as genders either. Don't carry a chip on your shoulder, plenty of women in prisons too.

[sadronniel]

Yes, book some councilling today. Not tomorrow, just pick up the phone and start making calls.

 

What stuck up to me is that once you struck him with the intent to hurt, and with a deliberate choice to hurt him somewhere it wouldn't leave marks people would see in public, you didn't ever 'wake up' and realize that what you were doing was plain wrong. You were still going off about how he 'mistreated' you and were trying to get him to apologize to you! The entitlement there, the audacity. It's striking to me.

 

I read between the lines a little, I admit. Seeing how you still went to dinner with your parents. Would you have done that had you hit him where they would see? Did you just pretend during dinner that nothing had happened? Can you imagine how that would feel for him?

 

My point was that instead of immediately snapping out of it had you really been out of control, you continued to not take responsibility afterwards, through a dinner with your folks, and getting home. You sulked on the couch, he came to you in the morning and kissed you. Even later, whenyou talked, you put it on him- how he shouldn't say things like he did, how it was a bad day.

 

So yeah, I stand by that you don't get the severity of it. You are still thinking of you. Not him. No reflection of empathy for how he feels. Just worried he may leave you or see you differently.

 

Let us know how the hunt for a councillor goes.

 

I've booked a councillor for 7th November which I'm looking forward to. I am very immature in my actions for sure, I don't know how to act afterwards when I've hit someone as I've never done it before. And you're right, I didn't take into account how he felt. He did want to still go for dinner with my parents though, I was unsure whether we should because we'd have to 'act normal'. It's up to him now if he can see a future ahead of us as we are getting married June 2018. Only time will tell.