Women Initiating When Really Into A Guy

[lostandhurt]

Katrina,

 

I think you have a great grasp of your own thoughts and reactions and you just need time to accept them for what they are like you have with his acne scars. Wasn't there a guy with terrible scars married to a super model? Off topic, sorry.

 

Jman is correct that the ego controls far to much of our thinking and rationalizations. It is easier to blame something else than to accept the truth we know deep down inside.

 

Sitting around waiting for life to happen to you works for some people but I like to steer my own ship most of the time and that means if I like someone I will ask them out and it shouldn't matter if you are a man initiating or a woman initiating. I have been lucky enough to have women ask me out or seek me out and I love it! It doesn't make me think less of them or see some power shift, all it tells me is that the are interested in my enough to make the first move and are strong and brave enough to risk rejection to get what they want. That to me is a very attractive quality.

 

Guys shouldn't be on pedestals no matter how ripped or good looking they are, they are just guys like everyone else.

 

Lost

[Batya33]

I didn't find it strong or brave when I asked men out -if so, very slightly. Sometimes it was declined, sometimes not. It wasn't a big deal and if it had been an effective way to find a lasting long term relationship leading to marriage I would have done it much more often because at least to me I felt ok doing it (in other areas of life I was a go getter/proactive so I just channeled that when I asked men out).

[katrina1980]

Katrina,

 

I think you have a great grasp of your own thoughts and reactions and you just need time to accept them for what they are like you have with his acne scars. Wasn't there a guy with terrible scars married to a super model? Off topic, sorry.

 

Jman is correct that the ego controls far to much of our thinking and rationalizations. It is easier to blame something else than to accept the truth we know deep down inside.

 

Sitting around waiting for life to happen to you works for some people but I like to steer my own ship most of the time and that means if I like someone I will ask them out and it shouldn't matter if you are a man initiating or a woman initiating. I have been lucky enough to have women ask me out or seek me out and I love it! It doesn't make me think less of them or see some power shift, all it tells me is that the are interested in my enough to make the first move and are strong and brave enough to risk rejection to get what they want. That to me is a very attractive quality.

 

Guys shouldn't be on pedestals no matter how ripped or good looking they are, they are just guys like everyone else.

 

Lost

 

Thanks lostandhurt, I know all this too, I just get crazy in my head sometimes, that's all. Working on it though!

 

Re the pedestal thing, takes far more than just being ripped and good looking for me to put a guy on a pedestal.

 

Far far more actually.

 

I don't even know if this guy is up there yet, don't know him that well, but what I've seen so far I like.

 

The fact he can keep up with me is a huge plus! LOL.

 

You wouldn't know it by looking at me, but I can be a real smart ass sometimes, I love to be playful and banter so a man keeping up and even out-witting me scores big points.

 

We shall see though, it's still early early days.

 

Looking forward to seeing him Friday!

[LonelyPast]

Glad to hear the silence was broken! I'd be willing to bet you were both thinking of each other over the weekend and both decided to play it cool. I hope Friday goes well!

[ella20]

I guess am quite behind with the dating ...when I suggested the cinema to that guy I had harry palpitations lol

Katrina you are right , he was lost interest for other reasons ...

Am very excited about your date on Friday

[Batya33]

Glad to hear the silence was broken! I'd be willing to bet you were both thinking of each other over the weekend and both decided to play it cool. I hope Friday goes well!

 

I have to disagree with this. Not texting doesn't mean playing anything including hard to get/cool etc. It might simply mean many other things like the person is not a big texter on weekends, that he affirmatively decided he wants to get to know the person in person (or through a phone call where he can hear her voice), etc. Playing it cool would mean if he or she decides not to gush out the way they feel during that initial excitement and to me that's often not playing either -that's being reasonably protective of yourself with someone brand new in your life.

[katrina1980]

I have to disagree with this. Not texting doesn't mean playing anything including hard to get/cool etc.

 

------

 

It might simply mean many other things like the person is not a big texter on weekends, that he affirmatively decided he wants to get to know the person in person (or through a phone call where he can hear her voice), etc. Playing it cool would mean if he or she decides not to gush out the way they feel during that initial excitement and to me that's often not playing either -that's being reasonably protective of yourself with someone brand new in your life.

 

Batya, I'm confused, what are you disagreeing with?

 

All LonelyPast said was he thought we were both "playing it cool." He was right! We were!

 

Why put such a negative spin on it, that he/it meant we were playing "hard to get" or implying it's some sort of "game"? And then disagreeing?

 

I didn't interpret it that way at all.

 

I interpreted his comment to mean exactly how you described above beginning with your second sentence, which I suspect is exactly how LP meant for it to be interpreted. Which is a positive and I agree with!

 

It's all good!

[Batya33]

Batya, I'm confused, what are you disagreeing with?

 

All LonelyPast said was he thought we were both "playing it cool." He was right! We were!

 

Why put such a negative spin on it, that he/it meant we were playing "hard to get" or implying it's some sort of "game"? And then disagreeing?

 

I didn't interpret it that way at all.

 

I interpreted his comment to mean exactly how you described above beginning with your second sentence, which I suspect is exactly how LP meant for it to be interpreted. Which is a positive and I agree with!

 

It's all good!

I read it as a decision not to text to play some sort of game. Perhaps in your case thstvwas true. I wouldn’t read into it that way or make those assumptions just because two people who recently metvdo not trxtcfor a few days. Sorry if I misread it. I would make that assumption if a couple has a texting routine and one stops and there’s no chance of illness or some kind of emergency. Didn’t mean to be negative. I do think there’s way too much emphasis on texting back and forth when two people are just getting to know each other.

[katrina1980]

No need to be sorry for misreading Batya, you interpreted his comment one way (game playing/playing hard to get), and I interpreted it another way.

 

I was just wondering why you interpreted it that way, that's all, no biggee

 

I actually read it as a positive and uplifting in context with everything else he said, and how the post was worded. Which is why I "thanked" him for it.

 

LP just sounds like a very positive person. And he was right too, I know I was "playing" it cool, which is not necessary a bad thing at all, playing "hard to get" or whatever. I don't play "that" game.

 

We've only had one date for heavens sake how else could we play it? lol

 

Generally speaking, I agree with you, I think people read way too much into "texting." What it means, does he/she like me, etc.

 

I don't and never did with this man or any man actually.

 

Frankly, I like that we are not texting all that much!

 

It's intriguing to me and gives the space to wonder about and miss him.

 

While nice and reassuring, too much texting has a tendency to burn me out, and doesn't allow me the space to think about him, miss him, which for me builds attraction and tension!

 

I admit I did feel a bit insecure last weekend. Most men text every day, which I have become accustomed too.

 

But those relationships never lasted, so what does that tell ya?

 

I think we all need to stop analyzing everything so much, including me!

 

What does this mean or that mean, it's enough to drive a person crazy! lol

 

I am just going to relax and let it "play" out.

 

Thank you for your thoughts and insight though, much appreciated!

 

As I said, it's all good!

[dias]

Well, I can't read all these replies, just let us know if there is a happy ending!

[thealchemist]

I'm not single or anything but a woman initiating with me would give her a lot of points. I really like strong willed woman who take initiative.

 

I think though that if you are the kind of girl or guy to be that way there is a population of the opposite gender that prefers or doesn't prefer that.

 

I know many guys that it would turn off.

 

If you are the kind of person (or want to be) that approaches guys then do it. It isn't going to hurt your chances to try to find a partner by being the way you want to be. Just lets you know faster whether it will work or not.

[katrina1980]

Thnx for your thoughts alchemist, I am actually re-thinking everything now, the way I do things/have done things, hence this thread.

 

Trying to step away from the notion that "men should chase women."

 

It's all BS in my opinion.

 

Not sure if you've been following the thread, but he texted me Monday morn. Very sweet.

 

I plan to txt him tomorrow confirming or maybe even today just to say hi, real quick.

 

I'm not even all that nervous about initiating either like I was last weekend. I actually want to!

 

Not sure why, maybe cause of this thread, or maybe just realizing how silly I was being.

 

It's a text, I'm not proposing marriage for petes sake! XD

[thealchemist]

I think any assumptions about what a gender should or should not do is rediculous. Also any type of game playing is just a stupid controlling thing that I take no part in.

 

I consider myself very lucky in the relationship department. I did what I wanted to when it came to anything, not what was assumed of me as a guy. I have a lot of traits and preferances that are not considered typical of a guy.

 

I think people would be much happier throughout their entire life if they did what they wanted instead of what was expected of them. The reason I am very happy in my relationship is because I found a person I can be with that doesn't involve me pretending to be something i am not.

[katrina1980]

I think any assumptions about what a gender should or should not do is rediculous. Also any type of game playing is just a stupid controlling thing that I take no part in.

 

I consider myself very lucky in the relationship department. I did what I wanted to when it came to anything, not what was assumed of me as a guy. I have a lot of traits and preferances that are not considered typical of a guy.

 

I think people would be much happier throughout their entire life if they did what they wanted instead of what was expected of them. The reason I am very happy in my relationship is because I found a person I can be with that doesn't involve me pretending to be something i am not.

 

Amen!

 

I'm with you on that thealchemist.

[figureitout23]

Jumping into this conversation, I have to agree with part of what batya said earlier. And again sorry for disagreeing with you alchemist I just really don't buy the whole 'women taking the lead' thing when it comes to dating.

 

Let's be honest, the way things work is the man is the pursuer. Times are changing so that women are more comfortable taking that role but it's still the norm for a man to pursue so if he is interested in you, he is going to pursue you. If a woman is interested, she may drop hints but the odds of her pursuing are 50/50. So unless a woman pursues a man and she was completely not on his radar, let's say for example on a dating website, again unless she is completely not on his radar, if he was truly interested he would have approached her already. So when a woman who is on a mans radar does the pursuing because he isn't, the mans interest is low at best. I'm sorry, expierience and this site has showed me this is true.

 

So todays go out and get what you want attitude of dating is leaving a lot of girls heart broken cause they're chasing men thinking it's the forward thing to do when in reality you're doing all the work not because he will find it more attractive but because he doesn't really care one way or the other and some men will string that woman along until he find what he wants and he will pursue her. So again I agree with batya, I don't think the long term success rate is high if a woman's doing the pursuing, again unless she was off his radar and he had no idea this amazing woman was interested in him, I think that's the only way this flipping of roles actually works. It's just reality in my eyes.

 

The truth to me is if the interest is mutual you have to do a lot to turn the other person off. At the end of the day if they want you they want you and if they don't they don't and there's little you can do to change that. We can blame t on outside forces by like someone else on this thread said, it's about our ego. It's easier to blame some arbitrary than accept they just aren't that into us.

[Batya33]

I think any assumptions about what a gender should or should not do is rediculous. Also any type of game playing is just a stupid controlling thing that I take no part in.

 

I consider myself very lucky in the relationship department. I did what I wanted to when it came to anything, not what was assumed of me as a guy. I have a lot of traits and preferances that are not considered typical of a guy.

 

I think people would be much happier throughout their entire life if they did what they wanted instead of what was expected of them. The reason I am very happy in my relationship is because I found a person I can be with that doesn't involve me pretending to be something i am not.

 

I think many men (has this changed since I dated?) assume that they should do most of the asking out and planning in the beginning stages. I am not into game playing and I knew that I couldn't be "myself" in the early stages when I was really into a guy so dating rules and guidelines helped balance me and re-center me so that I didn't overshare/act overeager/act insecure -that wasn't "me" but it was "me" in the early stages of initial excitement. And in a way it's self-absorbed to subject a new person to a level of attention and insecurity that's overwhelming. Because that's not about getting to know the person -it's a reaction to a need for approval/initial excitement.

 

I do not think anyone should chase and if a woman really enjoys being chased she should ask herself if she's actually interested in the guy or just the attention.

[Batya33]

Thnx for your thoughts alchemist, I am actually re-thinking everything now, the way I do things/have done things, hence this thread.

 

Trying to step away from the notion that "men should chase women."

 

It's all BS in my opinion.

 

Not sure if you've been following the thread, but he texted me Monday morn. Very sweet.

 

I plan to txt him tomorrow confirming or maybe even today just to say hi, real quick.

 

I'm not even all that nervous about initiating either like I was last weekend. I actually want to!

 

Not sure why, maybe cause of this thread, or maybe just realizing how silly I was being.

 

It's a text, I'm not proposing marriage for petes sake! XD

 

It's a text that gives the impression -if done too much - that you're needing contact in between early dates with a person you just met. If that impression works for you, do it -but even one text comes across loud and clear especially in the early stages with first impressions. I met a really good guy at a singles event once. He asked me out and asked if he could call me. I said yes. He called me two days later and said "Hi honey- how was your day?" For me that was the beginning of the end - it made me question the nice evening we'd spent chatting and felt kind of clingy/suffocating. It turned out my radar telling me "over eager" was right - within 4 days he was telling me he'd rethought his future plans as far as education (because he knew I was more educated than he was and this made him insecure). After one date I ran for the hills.

 

So yes, it's "just one text" but understand that the impression early on is far far stronger than when it's in context -when he knows you fairly well, over a longer period of time, etc. One text - sure, fine - but ask yourself why you need to be texting and in contact with him by typing -is it to make sure he's interested/to check his interest in you? If so, it likely will be very transparent to him. Let him get to know you in person or maybe have a good phone call one time in between seeing each other.

[reinventmyself]

I am late to the scene but having just read this whole thread all I can offer is this:

Next time you feel that strong urge to text someone ask yourself what your motive is. I've asked myself the same question and if I can honestly say I feel the urge because is will squash my anxiety, then I don't do it.

 

When I read what you were experiencing, you pretty much admitted it. You started on Saturday after only seeing him on Friday and though you want to let him know you are interested, your primary motivation appeared to be that you were doing so out of anxiety.

 

I am not saying to not text him. But when we act from a place of anxiety and let that run the show, then it's a slippery slope we get into.

[thealchemist]

I think many men (has this changed since I dated?) assume that they should do most of the asking out and planning in the beginning stages. I am not into game playing and I knew that I couldn't be "myself" in the early stages when I was really into a guy so dating rules and guidelines helped balance me and re-center me so that I didn't overshare/act overeager/act insecure -that wasn't "me" but it was "me" in the early stages of initial excitement. And in a way it's self-absorbed to subject a new person to a level of attention and insecurity that's overwhelming. Because that's not about getting to know the person -it's a reaction to a need for approval/initial excitement.

 

I do not think anyone should chase and if a woman really enjoys being chased she should ask herself if she's actually interested in the guy or just the attention.

I don't care for doing what is "typical" in regards to anything, especially when it is my relationship that is affected.

 

I can't say what other guys do. I can see that what most other people do doesn't work. My goal in a relationship is to be happy. It seems like so many people just want a relationship that lasts. So staying together doesn't equate to success in my eye. Only being happy does.

 

I don't feel like you can be happy maintaining some fake personality that isn't you.

 

I also recognized from a young age that I am different. I also assumed I would be alone for my entire life because my differences aren't conducive to what I had always thought was a "good relationship".

 

So I figured I would just be absolutely myself all the time and if a girl didn't like it then I was just weeding out people who were incompatible. I really figured the chance of finding a partner for me was one in a million so it didn't bother me.

 

Instead I found a person that I am totally and completely myself with and they are that way with me. Our relationship doesn't take work. Our relationship helps us deal with all the work in our lives that we have to do.

 

Being something your not is only going to make it impossible to find a great partner. Which I find ironic because people fake things because they want a relationship to last yet they are actively undermining their goals.

[katrina1980]

I am late to the scene but having just read this whole thread all I can offer is this:

Next time you feel that strong urge to text someone ask yourself what your motive is. I've asked myself the same question and if I can honestly say I feel the urge because is will squash my anxiety, then I don't do it.

 

When I read what you were experiencing, you pretty much admitted it. You started on Saturday after only seeing him on Friday and though you want to let him know you are interested, your primary motivation appeared to be that you were doing so out of anxiety.

 

I am not saying to not text him. But when we act from a place of anxiety and let that run the show, then it's a slippery slope we get into.

 

I have thought about this (my motive) about texting later today or tomorrow (probably tomorrow morn) and 100% being truthful here -- my motive is to say hi. NOT to seek reassurance. Yes I was feeling anxious over the weekend, I admit that, but I don't anymore. Again 100% being honest about it.

 

He has been pursuing me and doing all the texting/initiating, so I actually want to step up and give something back, this time.

 

I don't think anyone should be "chasing" anyone and I don't even agree anymore that the man should be doing all the pursuing either.

 

In fact, assuming all goes well on our next date Friday night, I plan on asking him to do something next time. Nothing elaborate, something casual and fun.

 

I don't see that as "chasing" him; I see it as reciprocating, and doing my part.

 

@figureitout, you advised me to do something I always advise others to do, which is focus on our connection and go with that.

 

We had a fabulous time the first night we met, fabulous time on our date and the couple of texts we have exchanged since have been super positive.

 

So I am feeling good, not insecure in the least (unlike last weekend when was feeling a bit uncertain and nervous).

 

I got great vibes from his text on Monday, I feel very confident about his interest level.

 

So even though I am enthusiastic and all that, I want to step up and text back, initiate some too.

 

If others don't agree, that's fine, to each his own.

 

I am tired of following arbitrary rules that get me no where but disappointed.

 

So trying something different on this time, which also includes waiting a bit longer before having sex.

[reinventmyself]

So trying something different on this time, which also includes waiting a bit longer before having sex.

 

hope you get a better result this time

[lostandhurt]

The dating dance is always changing as time marches on. If you are not open to change and people taking on different roles in life you are hurting your chances because of tradition.

 

Katrina you have a great attitude about all this and I am happy for you win or loose.

 

Friday is getting closer, I hope it goes really well. I like reading good news on here.

 

 

Lost

[Batya33]

I don't care for doing what is "typical" in regards to anything, especially when it is my relationship that is affected.

 

I can't say what other guys do. I can see that what most other people do doesn't work. My goal in a relationship is to be happy. It seems like so many people just want a relationship that lasts. So staying together doesn't equate to success in my eye. Only being happy does.

 

I don't feel like you can be happy maintaining some fake personality that isn't you.

 

I also recognized from a young age that I am different. I also assumed I would be alone for my entire life because my differences aren't conducive to what I had always thought was a "good relationship".

 

So I figured I would just be absolutely myself all the time and if a girl didn't like it then I was just weeding out people who were incompatible. I really figured the chance of finding a partner for me was one in a million so it didn't bother me.

 

Instead I found a person that I am totally and completely myself with and they are that way with me. Our relationship doesn't take work. Our relationship helps us deal with all the work in our lives that we have to do.

 

Being something your not is only going to make it impossible to find a great partner. Which I find ironic because people fake things because they want a relationship to last yet they are actively undermining their goals.

 

I never advocate faking. I think when we're over the moon excited about a new person we are not ourselves and if we react based on that over the moon feeling we risk coming across as not ourselves to the person we're interested in - we risk coming across as clingy/insecure/overwhelming/overeager.

 

I agree that it's not about staying together but happily staying together - and to me it's self-sabotaging when a person (not you!) reacts to that initial rush by acting in an overeager/clingy/needy way -by over texting, etc -whether man or woman - and then use the excuse "because it felt right" -we make lots of choices not to go impulsively with our feelings including fear/anger/anxiety/insecurity.

 

I never suggested you do what's typical. (Edited because I thought Katrina wrote this!)

[thealchemist]

I never advocate faking. I think when we're over the moon excited about a new person we are not ourselves and if we react based on that over the moon feeling we risk coming across as not ourselves to the person we're interested in - we risk coming across as clingy/insecure/overwhelming/overeager.

 

I agree that it's not about staying together but happily staying together - and to me it's self-sabotaging when a person (not you!) reacts to that initial rush by acting in an overeager/clingy/needy way -by over texting, etc -whether man or woman - and then use the excuse "because it felt right" -we make lots of choices not to go impulsively with our feelings including fear/anger/anxiety/insecurity.

 

I never suggested you do what's typical. (Edited because I thought Katrina wrote this!)

My post was more of in reference to the woman approaching men being a turn off for some people. Just trying to say that if you are a woman who approaches a guy and that turns him off to you then it was probably not going to happen for a lot of other reasons, and it is for the best in the long run.

 

Blunting your enthusiasm so you don't creep out your prospective partner is a very different thing. I would probably agree with you for the most part about that for the general public.

 

I personally wouldn't blunt my enthusiasm for a potential mate though. But that is just me. I called my wife on the way home from our first date to tell her how much I enjoyed the night.

[Batya33]

My post was more of in reference to the woman approaching men being a turn off for some people. Just trying to say that if you are a woman who approaches a guy and that turns him off to you then it was probably not going to happen for a lot of other reasons, and it is for the best in the long run.

 

Blunting your enthusiasm so you don't creep out your prospective partner is a very different thing. I would probably agree with you for the most part about that for the general public.

 

I personally wouldn't blunt my enthusiasm for a potential mate though. But that is just me. I called my wife on the way home from our first date to tell her how much I enjoyed the night.

 

I respectfully disagree. I think first impressions count a lot when first getting to know a potential romantic partner especially because there's no context/foundation yet. The men who I spoke with as far as the "turn off" were actually disappointed that they were turned off/wind out of their sails kind of thing because before that they saw potential and now, were flattered/impressed -but not really into the woman as a potential partner. Certainly that guy would not be right for a woman who truly desires to be the main initiator in general in a relationship and there are people who feel that way -and that's fine.

 

I think it's kind of self-absorbed to react to initial excitement/infatuation by oversharing/gushing/being too much in the person's space -that's not about getting to know the person but rather just about reacting to the excitement of initial attraction, etc. If a person truly wants to get to know another person I think it's better to do that at a reasonable pace over time and giving the person space to think about what a great evening it was, even to miss you a bit, etc. I think calling someone to tell her you enjoyed the evening is perfectly fine. By contrast I went out with one guy who called me about every two hours the day of our first date (we'd met in person at a party) to tell me how excited he was about our date that night. I went out with another guy who called me after the second date because he was worried that I hadn't wanted to kiss him the night before, and then called me again 2 hours later because I hadn't yet returned his call. Too much and yes even if I'd been super into the guy that kind of behavior would have been somewhat of a red flag. In the first case I went out with the guy (in part because he'd been indirectly involved in a really famous crime in our city -fascinating story!) and in the second case I'm pretty sure I cancelled our next date.

 

It depends on the vibe from the other person, too and if you (general "you") are so absorbed by your own feelings of infatuation that you choose not to or can't focus on the other person's body language/energy/vibe as far as how the person might react to gushing (which is often how those early texts/calls come across, out of context, first impression) - then you're more likely to crowd the person. I've been on both ends of it including when the guy was obviously idealizing me and just looking to get married yesterday and really didn't know me at all or probably care to.

 

Hard to put in words, sorry.