Women Initiating When Really Into A Guy

[katrina1980]

Hey guys, I've slowly discovered something about myself and wondering how other women feel, and men what you think about it.

 

When I like a guy (enough to date him), but not all "that" into him or emotionally invested, I find it much easier to take initiative, texting, even asking him to get together.

 

But when I am "really" into him, emotionally involved and invested, I can't do it!

 

Not as easily anyway, and most of the time just won't.

 

I'm too nervous, too scared of being rejected or fear he won't respond back, yeah it's cowardly of me, but it is what it is I suppose. I'd like to change this, but at a loss as to how to accomplish that.

 

I realize this must totally confuse guys, as I'm learning from these forums and in real life, that most men believe when a woman doesn't initiate, she's' NOT into him. I mean that would be the most logical conclusion for many men, right?

 

And when she "does" initiate, she "is" into him, she must be, otherwise why would she be initiating so much!

 

But for me (and perhaps other women and even some men?), it's like when I'm really into a guy, I behave the exact opposite of what I am feeling, leaving guys feeling like I just don't care that much, and maybe even backing off because of it!

 

In short, it appears my dating experiences are better when I like him okay enough to date, but not that much to want LTR with and not all that emotionally invested.

 

When I meet a man I AM crazy about and emotionally invested, I sort of freeze and don't do anything! I may even back off!

 

Can anyone figure this or relate? Men and women.

 

Thanks bunches in advance.

[dias]

Yeah I can relate to some extent but I think it's the same with everyone. You get very nervous when you are into someone. I approach girls I don't find very attractive with ease but I quail sometimes with girls I find very attractive. I start thinking how to initiate a conversation etc but in the end the chick is already gone haha

[katrina1980]

Tnx dias.

 

I think I must take after my dad, way back when he was dating.

 

He told me that in college he fell in love with a woman, but was too nervous to tell her so did nothing.

 

She presumed he didn't like her, so went ahead and started dating, eventually marrying another man!

 

My mom comes along, who was very aggressive and pursued him..

 

She was beautiful, smart, had it all pretty much, but she didn't have that "somethin somethin" he never loved her but he married her anyway, and had six kids.

 

Years later, this other woman's husband passed away, and feeling more confident, my dad pursued her, divorced my mom and married her!

 

Considered her the love of his life until she died, and then he died years later, in 2014 after a bad fall and bleeding in his brain.

 

They had a happy 15 years together though. Best of his life!

 

I don't want this to happen to me!

 

I loved my ex a lot, was crazy about him, but he chased me for six years, so never had to think about initiating too much, but I cannot expect other men to be like him!

 

He had a ton of issues that caused him to be the way he was, that aren't healthy.

[dias]

That's quite a story!!

[ThatwasThen]

I think that when we are sure that we are in a spot in the dating where we know we are valued, it makes it a lot easier to do an equal part in initiating. It's during the early stages where we don't know where we stand that its difficult to put our necks out.

[katrina1980]

So dias, when you start dating a chick and she doesn't initiate, texts or dates, what do you think?

 

Do you presume she's not all that into you?

 

And if she DOES initiate (texting), or even asking you out, do you presume she IS into you?

[katrina1980]

I think that when we are sure that we are in a spot in the dating where we know we are valued, it makes it a lot easier to do an equal part in initiating. It's during the early stages where we don't know where we stand that its difficult to put our necks out.

 

Agree but it takes time to know we are valued, so what to do in meantime?

 

That period of "uncertainty."

 

That's my problem.

 

I suppose I need to take the risk and initiate sometimes, like I keep advising others to do, lol, but it's so hard !!

[j.man]

Makes perfect sense. You can initiate with guys you're on the fence about because it's more of a "ehhh... what happens, happens" sorta thing. When it's someone you really like, you obviously and understandably don't want to risk rejection. It is what it is.

 

As far as acting the opposite of how you feel? I don't think that's something guys can relate to, by and large. We're expected to initiate, and at least by some modicum of mutuality, women are then expected to offer us a signal or an "in" to do so. Setting a standard otherwise only serves to perpetuate the sorta "creep" archetype of dudes soliciting women who have offered no signs of interest or, worse, signs of disinterest.

 

I suppose getting my borderline-sexist-comment of the week out of the way on Sunday, a lot is quite simply tailored to how ill-equipped we raise women to deal with rejection. And it's not just speaking romantically. Whether it's asking for a salary increase or wanting to score a date with a guy you really dig, women have been conditioned (note: not genetically coded) to act as though the potential benefit isn't worth the potential rejection.

 

Basically... just get out there. If it doesn't work out, **** it. There's always tomorrow and there's always another hot dude.

[katrina1980]

Makes perfect sense. You can initiate with guys you're on the fence about because it's more of a "ehhh... what happens, happens" sorta thing. When it's someone you really like, you obviously and understandably don't want to risk rejection. It is what it is.

 

As far as acting the opposite of how you feel? I don't think that's something guys can relate to, by and large. We're expected to initiate, and at least by some modicum of mutuality, women are then expected to offer us a signal or an "in" to do so. Setting a standard otherwise only serves to perpetuate the sorta "creep" archetype of dudes soliciting women who have offered no signs of interest or, worse, signs of disinterest.

 

I suppose getting my borderline-sexist-comment of the week out of the way on Sunday, a lot is quite simply tailored to how ill-equipped we raise women to deal with rejection. And it's not just speaking romantically. Whether it's asking for a salary increase or wanting to score a date with a guy you really dig, women have been conditioned (note: not genetically coded) to act as though the potential benefit isn't worth the potential rejection.

 

Basically... just get out there. If it doesn't work out, **** it. There's always tomorrow and there's always another hot dude.

 

Thank you, and I don't think that was borderline sexist at all, you are right!

 

Pls read my last post (before this), I think the answer is to just get out there and take the risk!

[dias]

Well, it's case it's different. Chicks rarely make the first step with me. Probably because they know that I will initiate things(I don't know how they know, but they know). But I like it when girls initiate dates, texts etc. Do you think only girls like to be chased ? haha

[ThatwasThen]

Agree but it takes time to know we are valued, so what to do in meantime?

You show enthusiasm and interest when/if he reaches out, you show that you value his attention so that he knows that you are interested and glad that he contacted you. If it's only a date or two in then a simple text first isn't a big deal whether he replies or not. IMO best to find out early if he gives a fly.

 

That period of "uncertainty."

 

That's my problem.

 

I suppose I need to take the risk and initiate sometimes, like I keep advising others to do, lol, but it's so hard !!

Maybe you're putting too much value on the guy you don't really know if you're worried about rejection within a date or two? I'd look at it this way: If he rejects your initiation then its just a missed opportunity. HIS missed opportunity, certainly not yours... View YOU as the prize.

[katrina1980]

So there is a guy I met and had date with Thursday night and I REALLY like hm.

 

We had a blast and he texted me Friday, saying great time, blah blah and asked to get together next Friday.

 

Fabulous!

 

But haven't heard from him Saturday or today, and want to text him so bad, but feel totally paralyzed.

 

I know two days is not long but it's the weekend, so presuming he has other dates, which is fine of course, just nervous about the whole thing!

 

If I weren't so into him, would probably shoot him a light text and think nothing about it.

 

Or not text and not worry about it.

[dias]

So there is a guy I met and had date with Thursday night and I REALLY like hm.

 

We had a blast and he texted me Friday, saying great time, blah blah and asked to get together next Friday.

 

Fabulous!

 

But haven't heard from him Saturday or today, and want to text him so bad, but feel totally paralyzed.

 

I know two days is not long but it's the weekend, so presuming he has other dates, which is fine of course, just nervous about the whole thing!

 

If I weren't so into him, would probably shoot him a light text and think nothing about it.

 

Or not text and not worry about it.

 

Until Friday we have a whole week. I would text on Wednesday if I were him.

[katrina1980]

You show enthusiasm and interest when/if he reaches out, you show that you value his attention so that he knows that you are interested and glad that he contacted you. If it's only a date or two in then a simple text first isn't a big deal whether he replies or not. IMO best to find out early if he gives a fly.

 

Maybe you're putting too much value on the guy you don't really know if you're worried about rejection within a date or two? I'd look at it this way: If he rejects your initiation then its just a missed opportunity. HIS missed opportunity, certainly not yours... View YOU as the prize.

 

Showing interest, yes I know this but that is the point of my thread.

 

Being enthusiastic, yeah I "am" all that on dates and when HE texts, but so what, as I said many guys (like dias for example) prefer the woman to initiate sometimes, to them THAT is her showing interest, which is difficult for me when REALLY into to a guy!

[ThatwasThen]

What would you text him... you barely know the dude. Wait until the day before and text to make sure you're still on for the date. Small talk texting has no value IMO. If you want to get together with him again after your date then invite him at the end of your date to do something light one day/night during the following week. If he makes an excuse and doesn't reschedule something right away then you know to not get too invested.

 

Showing interest, yes I know this but that is the point of my thread.

 

Being enthusiastic, yeah I "am" all that but so what, as I said many guys prefer the woman to initiate sometimes, to them THAT is her showing interest, which is difficult for me when REALLY into to a guy!

 

You are over-thinking this. Just relax and let things progress organically.

[figureitout23]

What would you text him... you barely know the dude. Wait until the day before and text to make sure you're still on for the date. Small talk texting has no value IMO. If you want to get together with him again after your date then invite him at the end of your date to do something light one day/night during the following week. If he makes an excuse and doesn't reschedule something right away then you know to not get too invested.

 

I second this, mainly because it's the advice you would give to someone else.

[katrina1980]

I second this, mainly because it's the advice you would give to someone else.

 

Yeah I acknowledged that in earlier post, need to practice what I preach! Lol

 

But now I am in their shoes, and have a guy I am really into not falling all over me, lol, throwing me off my game a bit.

[katrina1980]

I think some folks aren't hearing me. Or maybe I'm not articulating myself well, which is the more likely scenario.

 

I KNOW all of what you're saying is true, and it's what I need to do.

 

Hell it's the same exact advice I give others.

 

But when REALLY into a guy, it's just difficult for me to do, not use to it, it's nerve-wracking!

 

Wondering if it's same for other women and men, and how they handle it, that's all.

[ThatwasThen]

Yeah I acknowledged that in earlier post, need to practice what I preach! Lol

 

But now I am in their shoes, and have a guy I am really into not falling all over me, lol, throwing me off my game a bit.

You're really into a guy you've been on one date with? Gurl, simmer down now, ya hear.

[figureitout23]

 

I KNOW all of what you're saying is true, and it's what I need to do.

 

Hell it's the same exact advice I give others.

 

But when REALLY into a guy, it's just difficult for me to do, not use to it, it's nerve-wracking!

 

Wondering if it's same for other women and men, and how they handle it, that's all.

 

Yeah, that's exactly what it's like. My go to advice for this is to not wait by the phone, to put the phone in another room and distract yourself, then when he calls or texts it's a pleasant surprise instead of an anxiety reliever.

 

As batya would say, there's no need for him to text you it's just to relax your mind, or something close to that.

[katrina1980]

You're really into a guy you've been on one date with? Gurl, simmer down now, ya hear.

 

Well we connected (not sexually lol ) first night we met and then had our first date Thursday night.

 

That's how things tend to go with me sometimes.

 

Either I feel meh, which is most of the time, but every once in awhile, I meet a guy, feel an immediate click, and that's that.

 

Happened that way with my ex (six years) and one other guy since my ex and I broke up two years ago.

 

Now this guy.

 

Can't control my feelings only how I react to them.

 

And just to get a bit more insight into my nature, I tried to push this guy away after we first met!

 

I chose to fight those feelings and went out with him, and we clicked even more so than the night we first met.

[ThatwasThen]

Can't control my feelings only how I react to them.

Then don't react on them and wait to text him just to confirm the date's still on. He may contact you before then to do the same. You can text him back after the date (if you haven't invited him on one) to let him know that you had a good time and then ask a leading question that will prompt him to reply... that way you initiated and you've given him an opportunity to easily respond.

[katrina1980]

Then don't react on them and wait to text him just to confirm the date's still on. He may contact you before then to do the same. You can text him back after the date (if you haven't invited him on one) to let him know that you had a good time and then ask a leading question that will prompt him to reply... that way you initiated and you've given him an opportunity to easily respond.

 

Not hearing from him all week, and being cool with that, sure no problem! lol

 

I'll just text him next Thursday night to confirm!

 

Great advice, but unfortunately easier said than done TwT, especially when you (I) really dig the guy.

 

If I didn't dig him so much, no problem at all.

 

But I don't have a choice really.

 

If he doesn't text in a few days, I either take initiative and text him (which will be totally nerve-wracking for me if you understand this thread) or I do "nothing" which is my standard modus operandi, which has sometimes left the guy feeling I am not interested (which a couple of guys have admitted to me).

 

Yeah I am over-thinking, will stop that.

 

Thanks guys, appreciate all your thoughts, and insight.

[katrina1980]

Sorry, just realized I didn't answer question asking why would I text him.

 

Mostly to keep the connection alive between dates. I need that.

 

Not every day, once or twice between dates (once a week dates) would be nice though.

 

Not prolonged text exchanges just a quick hi, thinking of you type thing.

 

Don't think I'm unusual in this regard, I find most women need that.

 

And also to show interest of course, I'm finding that many guys need and appreciate that too.

 

Trying to get away from this "guys chase girls" mentality. Which is what I've been conditioned to believe.

 

I still like to let him lead, but realize I need to start initiating more, just to keep it more balanced.

 

It's just hard to do when really into a guy, that's all.

[ThatwasThen]

Don't think I'm unusual in this regard, I find most women need that.

Once the relationship is established or you've been on more then one date, yes of course but this is early days.