Women Initiating When Really Into A Guy

[katrina1980]

Once the relationship is established or you've been on more then one date, yes of course but this is early days.

 

Not always TwT.

 

If you're dating casually okay, but once you've clicked and connected, whether that happens on first meet, first date, or later, I think it's important to touch base in between dates (again once a week dates) otherwise you risk losing that connection.

 

A week with zero contact in between dates would not work well for me, or most women I know.

 

I like connecting and communicating, again not every day, that's too much although I know many women who do need to touch base every day.. Even in very early stages.

 

But if zero contact in between dates works for you, fair enough, I respect that.

 

I'm just not wired that way.

 

Plus, a "relationship" takes time to develop. Weeks, sometimes months.

 

Once a week dates, with no contact in between dates for weeks, months?

 

Or maybe dates would increase to twice a week. I still need to touch base in between. Not prolonged text exchanges, just something to let each other know we're thinking of them.

 

Even just sending a song I know he likes.

 

I dunno, I think that's important.

 

I understand needing space and distance but hell, if you are only spending one or two days/nights a week together, with no contact in between, how do you become closer if you're not communicating except during those once or twice a week dates? Sounds cold and distant, and too contrived.

 

I wouldn't, I'd end up drifting away and determining the man had low interest.

 

If I never initiated in between either, he might determine same low interest from me.

 

But like I said, if that works for you, I totally respect that.

[LonelyPast]

And also to show interest of course, I'm finding that many guys need and appreciate that too.

 

Trying to get away from this "guys chase girls" mentality. Which is what I've been conditioned to believe.

 

I still like to let him lead, but realize I need to start initiating more, just to keep it more balanced.

 

You have no idea how excited I am to see more women talking about this! I'd go off on some sort of tirade about feminism and equality here, but that would be counter-productive.

 

But when REALLY into a guy, it's just difficult for me to do, not use to it, it's nerve-wracking!

 

Wondering if it's same for other women and men, and how they handle it, that's all.

 

Absolutely! Initiating can be stomach churning when you're emotionally invested in the outcome. The requirement to appear confident in order to be attractive can make it even harder. I'm still waiting for somebody to find it endearing when I stumble over myself.

 

Can't control my feelings only how I react to them.

 

Bingo. Your feelings are gonna roller coaster here. There's no stopping that. Your mind still gets to decide on its own course of action after listening to those feelings. It's like working with toddlers: They can laugh and cry and throw tempter tantrums and hide in corners, but at the end of the day they still have to obey the adult. Feel the fear and do it anyway! Listen to the advice which you'd give yourself! !

 

Basically... just get out there. If it doesn't work out, **** it. There's always tomorrow[...]

 

Totally this. It's the only sane way to approach it. It does get a little easier after you've had your hopes utterly crushed a few times. You just kinda get numb and enter **** it nirvana after a few years. Or maybe you get lucky and never reach that point!

 

If I weren't so into him, would probably shoot him a light text and think nothing about it.

 

I'd vote for just going ahead and doing it. I've never heard of anybody getting sketched out by "I just got back from ____ and it was fantastic! How was your weekend?"

 

[...]spot in the dating where we know we are valued[...]

 

Tell me more about this spot. It sounds amazing!

[katrina1980]

Most if not all guys I have dated have texted every day or every other day. From the beginning.

 

Last guy I dated texted every day (he may have missed a day once or twice but it was mostly every day). And we always had lots to talk about.

 

But I don't want every day now cause it burned out, for me.

 

Now this guy, have not heard from him since Friday night. I'm okay with that, but if he does not contact tomorrow or Tuesday, I will probably start wondering.

 

Not freaking, lol, just wondering.

 

At that point, I will shoot him a text I think.

 

We have a date scheduled for next Friday.

[figureitout23]

On one hand, I do think your anxiety is talking because you're not used to men not chasing you. On the other it's not going to do any harm, so if you really want to? Meh, I don't think it'll do any harm.

 

But recognize this is about you needing reassurance. Connection or not, it's only been one date. Constant contact isn't necessary just yet. Typical if there's a strong connection sure, but as you say, you should try to trust your connection.

[katrina1980]

Don't need constant contact, just once or twice in between, do you not need that too?

 

And yeah it's nice to be reassured sometimes too as these early stages are quite nerve-wracking.

 

For men too as LonelyPast just attested to.

 

And LonelyPast, thank you for getting it!!!

 

@figureitout, I hope to hear from him soon, but if not tomorrow or Tuesday, will definitely shoot him a text.

 

Weird for me but gonna step out of comfort zone and do it!!

[LonelyPast]

I'd say she's feeling a perfectly natural desire for reassurance but tempering it with a healthy amount of restraint. Waiting a few days is a far cry from constant contact.

[katrina1980]

I'd say she's feeling a perfectly natural desire for reassurance but tempering it with a healthy amount of restraint. Waiting a few days is a far cry from constant contact.

 

Where did you come from?

 

You're like my hero today! LOL.

 

Thanks again.

[figureitout23]

Don't need constant contact, just once or twice in between, do you not need that too?

 

And yeah it's nice to be reassured sometimes too as these early stages are quite nerve-wracking.

 

For men too as LonelyPast just attested to.

 

And LonelyPast, thank you for getting it!!!

 

@figureitout, I hope to hear from him soon, but if not tomorrow or Tuesday, will definitely shoot him a text.

 

Weird for me but gonna step out of comfort zone and do it!!

 

I completely agree with you, it's natural to want reassurance. Do we need it? No, but it's nice to have. Sorry, I should have quoted you, my post was in direct response to what you were saying about lack of interest. I think if the date was already planned, not talking in between doesn't necessarily = lack of interest.

[figureitout23]

Can we all just call a spade a spade? Waiting to contact, not waiting, if the interest is there, it doesn't matter.

 

I won't get into the 'ohhh women should take initiative bull' because it's just that bull.

 

Men want women theyre interested in to take initiative and even then there's a limit.

[katrina1980]

@figureitout, I hear ya about not talkimg in between, does not necessarily mean lack of interest.

 

But let's face it, when two people are interested, isn't it natural to "want" to touch base in between?

 

That's been my experience anyway.

 

And with all the ghosting, and flaking going on, if there is no contact in between, kinda makes you wonder if this might happen.

 

Is it insecurity? Yes! But that's okay as long as we manage that and don't go all psycho on the guy.

 

I always try to remain positive and advise others to as well, but now that I am experiencing it myself (guy not texting as much as I'm used to), I understand the anxiety better.

 

But I'm okay with it.

 

We had a great date Thursday so gonna go with that and look forward to seeing him again next Friday.

 

Will shoot him a text next week if I don't hear from him first.

 

I'm doing good! Not stressing too much... lol.

 

.

[figureitout23]

@figureitout, I hear ya about not talkimg in between, does not necessarily mean lack of interest.

 

But let's face it, when two people are interested, isn't it natural to "want" to touch base in between?

 

That's been my experience anyway.

 

And with all the ghosting, and flaking going on, if there is no contact in between, kinda makes you wonder if this might happen.

 

Is it insecurity? Yes! But that's okay as long as we manage that and don't go all psycho on the guy.

 

I always try to remain positive and advise others to as well, but now that I am experiencing it myself (guy not texting as much as I'm used to), I understand the anxiety better.

 

But I'm okay with it.

 

We had a great date Thursday so gonna go with that and look forward to seeing him again next Friday.

 

Will shoot him a text next week if I don't hear from him first.

 

I'm doing good! Not stressing too much... lol.

 

.

 

 

I'm glad you're naturally curbing your anxiety, sadly with my first exposure to the text waiting game, I did not do so well. Haha. I think it'll all work out fine.

[katrina1980]

I'm glad you're naturally curbing your anxiety, sadly with my first exposure to the text waiting game, I did not do so well. Haha. I think it'll all work out fine.

 

Thanks figureitout.

 

Tbh though, I actually wasn't doing all that well earlier; just returned from a short run, which helped tremendously.

 

I highly recommend when anxiety starts to take over.

[thealchemist]

I think the normalcy of interacting throughout the week after a first date depends a lot on the individual.

 

After a first date there isn't a lot of stuff that you can just idly talk about via text. There is a lot of stuff to learn about one another so real life conversation is really the only way to go.

 

I don't think you can assume anything about what amount of dialog is normal until you know the person. Which you don't after a first date.

 

That being said, from when I started talking to my wife before we started dating even to now, I talk to my wife all the time. All the time!

 

I have friends in great marriages who didn't even chat much with the person they married until they had been on many dates. Girl or guy.

 

It really just varies. You can't really assume it relates to interest so early in dating. To each their own.

[itsallgrand]

It's just practise, I think. The more you do it, the less you'll choke. It's similar to performance anxiety.

 

I think jman is right as well . Generally speaking, men are expected to be higher performers when it comes to dating ( and some other things, like he mentioned). I won't go too much more into that except to say that I think that's part of the reason a lot of women don't have a lot of practise in managing this kind of anxiety - we often can get by without having to. But it's still in your best interest and gives you a leg up to learn imo.

 

Have fun on the date on friday!

[Batya33]

@figureitout, I hear ya about not talkimg in between, does not necessarily mean lack of interest.

 

But let's face it, when two people are interested, isn't it natural to "want" to touch base in between?

 

That's been my experience anyway.

 

And with all the ghosting, and flaking going on, if there is no contact in between, kinda makes you wonder if this might happen.

 

Is it insecurity? Yes! But that's okay as long as we manage that and don't go all psycho on the guy.

 

I always try to remain positive and advise others to as well, but now that I am experiencing it myself (guy not texting as much as I'm used to), I understand the anxiety better.

 

But I'm okay with it.

 

We had a great date Thursday so gonna go with that and look forward to seeing him again next Friday.

 

Will shoot him a text next week if I don't hear from him first.

 

I'm doing good! Not stressing too much... lol.

 

.

 

Between dates I didn't have text (and only had email for half of the 24 years I dated, or less). I always thought it made a lot more sense to get to know each other in person in the beginning and not fall into the trap of too much time chatting in between - be more of an 'unwrapping the layers slowly" experience than an insta-buddy or insta-relationship.

 

I didn't message much between dates (and before we met I limited communication and made sure to do my "safety screen") but a phone call or two was fine after we met. "Wanting" to connect and acting on it are two different things. Especially if I was really interested, I curbed my desire to be overly chatty/overshare/overeager - that wasn't "me" -that was me being nervous, etc.

 

I think if you already have a date planned then do not contact him unless you have to change or confirm the plan. Let him get to know you in person and build up some anticipation. Is this the guy you weren't sure you found attractive - so glad you gave him a chance!

[katrina1980]

UPDATE:

 

Just when I had resigned myself to texting him first, woke up to a sweet text from him this morn.

 

Won't say what he said, but it made me smile!

 

This may sound twisted, but a part of me was hoping he didn't, just so I could stretch my emotional muscles and step out of my comfort zone.

 

lol, just kidding I was very happy to hear from him, so game back on!!

[lostandhurt]

This all comes down to how much we value something.

 

If it doesn't matter that much to you and is of less value you are willing to risk more but if you value it a great deal then you handle it more carefully and cautiously.

 

Say you dropped a dollar and it blew into the street with cars going by pretty fast. Would you risk it to retrieve the dollar? Now imagine it was a 100 dollar bill?

 

The same goes with many things in our lives including romantic relationships. If you are on the fence or mildly interested you feel like there is less to loose than the guy that gives you butterflies. The key is to view all of it in reality, not your imagined future. You met once and had a good time and it looks promising but nothing more than that.

 

Being brave and more forward always seems harder when the possible loss is perceived greater. Funny how much fear controls our lives isn't it?, even when most of the time it is unfounded...

 

Get rid of the pedestal he is on and treat him like any other guy which he is.

 

Good luck

 

Lost

[ella20]

Hi Katrina, apologies for joining so late...I was truly touched by the story about your dad and the woman...very touched in fact...

I can so relate to what you said about behaviour towards men we like and those that we don't...If I am indifferent about a man I am witty, bubbly and somehow they just drawn to me (not those that I like) but as soon as I like someone I get frozen and analyse every move, every word I say ....I self scan all I do or say before it will happen...drives me mad. I tried to fake it by treating those I like same way like those that I don't...doesn't work...it comes across as false I think

 

As for your date- congratulation of liking the man!

In my humble opinion at the very beginning it is crucial that man initiate 96% of contact ....we should just relax and be happy to hear from them....maybe that old fashioned but works.

 

Just like you said -I wanted to step out of my comfort zone and FIRST time in my life I texted the man I had first date & connection with. I softly responded to a cinema which he mentioned few days earlier. Was he happy? Sure he was...he was flattered and pleased about it. However he no longer looked me with the same eyes ....somehow I fell from pedestal in his eyes...I really felt that. The dynamic changed ever since...

 

So many women do initiate contact with men that for them this is normal, sometimes flattering but not exciting ... the connection at the beginning is VERY FRAGILE, that is why I always allowed them to lead. Except for this one time.

Later, month later or so it is good to initiate from time to time ....but at the beginning let them initiate...the fact he already set a date with you on last date is a great sign!

 

The fact that he set it out for Friday -even better. I would seat and relax...until he will firm the plans up. Otherwise looks like you don't trust him or have to remind him ....I totally get it what you say about maintaining the contact between ...sure you want some glue so it wont feel like you meet each time for the first time. I get that...but try to resist- this will come naturally ....otherwise looks like you want to control the outcome and someone on here said- comes out of fear ...

 

I knew he going to contact you....exactly the moment you will switch off from him completely ..,is always like this -always

Batya so rightly said -it is important to not to fall into this trap on constant texting , setting routine of texting that will substitute for meetings

 

If you will relax your mind -you will know for sure if he has significant interest to get to know you...or is he polite or just responsive ....lets say you did texted him something breezy or sent him a song ( like you said you may do which is a no no in my book so early on) he will respond (sure he will) but then go quiet or he will answer in a way that you will not be best pleased?

what this will give you? Sense of connection ? feeling of bonding? I say -don't try to speed the process ...let it happen when it supposed to ...as someone once say "let go and let God" and before you know - you have your answer

Sure one text here and there did not kill the love ...but is it not a wonderful feeling to wake up to a text just like you did?

 

Men need to feel a little anxious to be keen ...lets not take it away from them. One man said "enjoy the silence" the one between the meetings -don try to fill the gap -just enjoy and see what's happening

 

I totally respect others will think differently

Katrina am excited for you -keep us updating

[Batya33]

I agree with all that Ella said with the difference that things might be changing, that the texting/constant checking in maybe has become more of the norm (and I don't think it's a good thing at all in a new romantic relationship for several reasons but it might be reality) and it really depends on what kind of relationship you want - some people want to feel in control a lot of the time and so prefer being the main person to ask out, to make plans, to initiate contact and they meet men who like that dynamic too (making the gender point because I think it's fairly typical still for the man to be the main initiator in the beginning especially and it's not from a sense of wanting more control, just more the norm/traditional, etc).

 

When I dated (12 years ago, for 24 years on and off) my direct and indirect experiences which were vast were that most men loved being asked out, were flattered, impressed with the woman's "courage" and most men did not choose those women to be serious with for the long term. It was just not an effective way for a woman to find a long lasting healthy romantic relationship especially with the analogy "well it's the 2000s/I am a career/professional woman and a go-getter so why not here". Or the initial rush of excitement and the excuse of "well if it feels right I do it and it felt right to message him again". I knew of no happy long term relationships where the woman had done most of the asking out in the beginning. And that might be changing. Even though I haven't been active in the scene for a decade it was my clear impression that things haven't changed much - but that is all anecdotal from the many women I know and know of who are in the dating scene at various ages - 20s-50s.

 

I don't think asking someone out is chasing and I don't think anyone should chase. I do think the constant texting when you first meet someone might feel like you're getting to know the person or that you're getting closer and I think none of that is really true and on the downside it takes away the excitement and dose of mystery that comes with unwrapping the layers of who a person is at a reasonable pace over time.

[j.man]

So many women do initiate contact with men that for them this is normal, sometimes flattering but not exciting ... the connection at the beginning is VERY FRAGILE, that is why I always allowed them to lead. Except for this one time.

I wanted to step out of my comfort zone and FIRST time in my life I texted the man I had first date & connection with. I softly responded to a cinema which he mentioned few days earlier. Was he happy? Sure he was...he was flattered and pleased about it. However he no longer looked me with the same eyes ....somehow I fell from pedestal in his eyes...I really felt that. The dynamic changed ever since...

Sorry, but this is pretty much an issue of ego, not dynamics.

 

Imagine if every guy who had a woman get cold or lose interest simply blamed it on the fact that he initiated. It would be a joke. Look, I'm all for cultural dichotomies, but whether a guy is initially interested or sustains interest isn't going to be at all contingent on who initiated. And if you catch the 1% whom it would affect, that's a problem with their own ego you probably don't want spilling into a relationship with you.

 

People get rejected. People lose interest. It happens. And, yes, sometimes it's not because you were assertive and it took the thrill of the hunt away from him. But it's easier on the ego and in fact quite convenient to chalk it up to something that you did that you don't like doing anyway rather than the guy simply not considering you, as a person, to be a match for them. Also, consider who you, as a woman who may rarely ever initiate, feel compelled to initiate with. I highly doubt it's the acne-ridden short-and-stout dude who's had maybe a single date in the last year. You're likely talking handsome, funny, successful, or whatever other bone-jumping worthy traits. Basically, someone with his own array of options and the opportunity to be picky. It's really not much different between men and women as far as the level of competition goes if you're approaching people who are your league or above.

 

Again, as I often disclaim, this is not in any way a criticism of preferring to let the guy take action. By all means, you do you. I just can't get behind trying to justify it with pretty arbitrary reasoning, particularly if it could deter others who would or could take matters into their own hands and initiate a bit.

[katrina1980]

Once again agree with j.man.

 

ella, the man in your story didn't lose interest because you initiated, that is crazy thinking.

 

It was something else, and chances are he would have lost interest regardless of whether you initiated or not.

 

And if he DID lose interest because you sent him one txt, good riddance.

 

I have initiated texts lots of times and never had any man lose interest because of it.

 

To the contrary, I "did" have a man lose interest once because I "never " took initiative!

 

I think I even posted about that, he was a friend of my friend's BF, they fixed us up and he told them he was bothered because I never initiated and he felt HE was doing all the work, which I could not deny. I admit I had a bit of a "princess" mentality back then.

 

Again and as I've been saying, the reason why it's difficult to text "this" particular guy is because I like him a lot and it would sting more if he ignored it or responded back apathetically. It's a fear.

 

If that were to happen, I would never think he lost interest "because" I texted. Again, crazy thinking.

 

If a guy is into you, he will love that you initiated!

 

I know that now.

 

He did text me yesterday, made me smile. I will shoot him one on Thursday.

 

And for anyone who read my other thread about him, his scars are not bad!

 

He is actually quite hot, with a body to absolutely die for; I am very attracted to him!

 

I think I was just looking to find something to reject him for, probably due to my own fear of not being good enough or something stupid like that.

 

I DO seem to put men I "really" like on a pedestal, which I need to stop doing immediately!!

 

Thnx again guys!

[itsallgrand]

Batya, I honestly love you to bits, but why would a woman initiating be about control whereas for a man it's simply traditional/ the norm?

I'm sorry but that doesn't make sense to me.

[Batya33]

Batya, I honestly love you to bits, but why would a woman initiating be about control whereas for a man it's simply traditional/ the norm?

I'm sorry but that doesn't make sense to me.

 

Maybe I didn't explain it properly. I meant more of the impression of it - in traditional dating and courtship men typically initiate, do the asking out, especially in the beginning. Is that about "control?" Maybe or maybe it's just a go with the flow thing "this is what a guy is supposed to do, sounds ok to me, so I'll do it". But, again in the traditional dating context only, if a woman were to be the main initiator, ask out for most of the dates, because that is what she truly wants, she probably would have more of a motivation for it- more of a trigger since it goes against tradition. I've read in this forum about women who choose to be the initiator because they're motivated by the need to be in control of the progress and process of dating/the relationship. That they'll accept the downside of initiating in a dating world where that is more unique/unusual because they want a relationship where they do most of the planning, most of the contact etc- it is how they are most comfortable.

 

Did the tradition become what it is because men generally like to be in control? That's interesting and I'm really not sure so I don't want to go there because I simply don't know.

 

Love ya too!!!!

[Batya33]

Sorry, but this is pretty much an issue of ego, not dynamics.

 

Imagine if every guy who had a woman get cold or lose interest simply blamed it on the fact that he initiated. It would be a joke. Look, I'm all for cultural dichotomies, but whether a guy is initially interested or sustains interest isn't going to be at all contingent on who initiated. And if you catch the 1% whom it would affect, that's a problem with their own ego you probably don't want spilling into a relationship with you.

 

People get rejected. People lose interest. It happens. And, yes, sometimes it's not because you were assertive and it took the thrill of the hunt away from him. But it's easier on the ego and in fact quite convenient to chalk it up to something that you did that you don't like doing anyway rather than the guy simply not considering you, as a person, to be a match for them. Also, consider who you, as a woman who may rarely ever initiate, feel compelled to initiate with. I highly doubt it's the acne-ridden short-and-stout dude who's had maybe a single date in the last year. You're likely talking handsome, funny, successful, or whatever other bone-jumping worthy traits. Basically, someone with his own array of options and the opportunity to be picky. It's really not much different between men and women as far as the level of competition goes if you're approaching people who are your league or above.

 

Again, as I often disclaim, this is not in any way a criticism of preferring to let the guy take action. By all means, you do you. I just can't get behind trying to justify it with pretty arbitrary reasoning, particularly if it could deter others who would or could take matters into their own hands and initiate a bit.

 

I had several men tell me that when the woman initiated and did more of the asking they found it flattering/intriguing/courageous/cool ...... and it ultimately was a turn off when it came to seeing potential for a romantic relationship. And they said that they had been very attracted at first. Obviously it could be a chicken/egg -the woman sensed a "meh" attitude so she took more initiative -tried to push things along - or it could be that he actually wasn't that into her and didn't know his own "heart". But I heard it many times and I know on my end if a man pursued too heavily in the beginning it was a turn off to me despite sometimes being flattering so maybe a woman asking a guy out more than once especially had a similar effect.

Again this is traditional courtship/dating and my direct experience of course is a decade old at this point despite having a ton of indirect info.

[Batya33]

Once again agree with j.man.

 

ella, the man in your story didn't lose interest because you initiated, that is crazy thinking.

 

It was something else, and chances are he would have lost interest regardless of whether you initiated or not.

 

And if he DID lose interest because you sent him one txt, good riddance.

 

I have initiated texts lots of times and never had any man lose interest because of it.

 

To the contrary, I "did" have a man lose interest once because I "never " took initiative!

 

I think I even posted about that, he was a friend of my friend's BF, they fixed us up and he told them he was bothered because I never initiated and he felt HE was doing all the work, which I could not deny. I admit I had a bit of a "princess" mentality back then.

 

Again and as I've been saying, the reason why it's difficult to text "this" particular guy is because I like him a lot and it would sting more if he ignored it or responded back apathetically. It's a fear.

 

If that were to happen, I would never think he lost interest "because" I texted. Again, crazy thinking.

 

If a guy is into you, he will love that you initiated!

 

I know that now.

 

He did text me yesterday, made me smile. I will shoot him one on Thursday.

 

And for anyone who read my other thread about him, his scars are not bad!

 

He is actually quite hot, with a body to absolutely die for; I am very attracted to him!

 

I think I was just looking to find something to reject him for, probably due to my own fear of not being good enough or something stupid like that.

 

I DO seem to put men I "really" like on a pedestal, which I need to stop doing immediately!!

 

Thnx again guys!

 

Glad it's going well so far! Obviously I wasn't talking about sending one text or contacting once. I do think if you see long term potential get to know him mainly in person or with meaningful phone calls and text at a minimum - and another upside of that is you won't get into a texting pattern where if he doesn't "check in" at the "typical time" you won't start to worry.