Sex with no strings..

[ZeddsDed]

Since leaving my partner i have felt VERY sexually frustrated. I really don't want to be in a relationship for quite some time. I need my own space and want to heal.

Yet, I really want to have a sex with no strings type situation with a man I know. We have spoken a lot about It, he is perfect for what I need and is in the same situation.

Is this a horrible idea? Will this be bad for my healing from a bad relationship?

I am feeling a lot of guilt about it, so will be taking it slow and only doing what I'm ready to do.. But iv been controlled for so long.. I feel like I shouldn't be doing it And that's it's wrong for a woman to want this.

 

Any advice?

[DancingFool]

"I am feeling a lot of guilt about it, so will be taking it slow and only doing what I'm ready to do.. But iv been controlled for so long.. I feel like I shouldn't be doing it And that's it's wrong for a woman to want this."

 

^If this is how conflicted and emotional you feel about it, then yes it would be a terrible idea for you at this point in time.

A million people can tell you that it's not wrong, that you have nothing to feel bad about, BUT the only thing that matters is how YOU feel. If you don't feel right, if you are being haunted by conflict, bad feelings, guilt, etc. then you should not get involved with any man in any capacity and just focus on healing from your ex.

[dias]

Since leaving my partner i have felt VERY sexually frustrated. I really don't want to be in a relationship for quite some time. I need my own space and want to heal.

Yet, I really want to have a sex with no strings type situation with a man I know. We have spoken a lot about It, he is perfect for what I need and is in the same situation.

Is this a horrible idea? Will this be bad for my healing from a bad relationship?

I am feeling a lot of guilt about it, so will be taking it slow and only doing what I'm ready to do.. But iv been controlled for so long.. I feel like I shouldn't be doing it And that's it's wrong for a woman to want this.

 

Any advice?

No, of course not. Who told you this. Don't listen to DancingFool, it's bad influence! . Express your self freely without silly inhibitions.

[SweetGirl28]

Honestly this sounds like a bad idea because you're questioning it.

If you were truly okay with it, you wouldn't ask.

 

Be warned you might catch feelings if you do that may not be reciprocated, and end up losing a

friend in the process. Men don't bond through sex, but we women do. If you can completely

keep detached, go for it. If not, you should wait until you find a new trusting relationship.

 

I've personally debated this myself, and chose not to. And I don't regret it.

[XceptionFatale]

Never ever feel bad about wanting to express your sexuality as a female. Check out Betty Dodson on Google. I guaruntee you'll feel little to no shame if you read some of her articles.

 

As for the ex thing...no sweetheart. I suggest getting your frustrations out by yourself, us chikas need to self service far more often!

 

However, if you are craving the physical intimacy and companionship of a man, you are in luck! There are so many no strings attached apps and websites, I suggest doing a little "window shopping" so to speak, so you can allow yourself to heal.

 

You have every right to be healthy and satisfied like a man, and you have the same rights to feel zero shame because of it.

[Liraele]

It's a personal choice, but it's definitely one you have to make for yourself. We can give you advice all day long... but at the end of the day, you are the one who has to live with whatever you choose.

 

That being said, I think safe, consensual, no-strings sex can be a great thing for both genders. Just gotta have the right approach and mentality to actually do it without regrets.

[Batya33]

Never ever feel bad about wanting to express your sexuality as a female. Check out Betty Dodson on Google. I guaruntee you'll feel little to no shame if you read some of her articles.

 

As for the ex thing...no sweetheart. I suggest getting your frustrations out by yourself, us chikas need to self service far more often!

 

However, if you are craving the physical intimacy and companionship of a man, you are in luck! There are so many no strings attached apps and websites, I suggest doing a little "window shopping" so to speak, so you can allow yourself to heal.

 

You have every right to be healthy and satisfied like a man, and you have the same rights to feel zero shame because of it.

 

I don't think she should feel badly about wanting to express sexuality -I think it's perfectly legitimate to have several concerns about casual sex - emotional implications, pregnancy, STD -there are many ways to express sexuality without having casual sex and having casual sex doesn't mean you're necessarily expressing your sexuality in a healthful way. I like how she's taking the time to question whether casual sex is right for her/right for her at this time.

[catfeeder]

I can only speak for myself. I learned at a young age that casual sex was not for me, and not because of guilt--I just know myself well enough to know that I'm relationship material. Using another person as a mastrubatory device for empty sex doesn't make me feel empowered, it makes me feel empty.

 

That's me, and it's not a finger wag to anyone else who's clear about where they stand on this. You don't sound very clear. If you have reservations, I'd examine those rather than poll a bunch of strangers. We aren't the ones living your sex life for you, so we don't get a vote.

 

Head high.

[ThatwasThen]

I am feeling a lot of guilt about it, so will be taking it slow and only doing what I'm ready to do.. But iv been controlled for so long.. I feel like I shouldn't be doing it

If it doesn't just come naturally to you, if you have guilt, if you have to start a thread about it and if this guy has been trying to coax you into it for some time now, then I think you would do well to get yourself a vibrator and stay penis free until you're ready to be in another relationship.

 

If this guy IS trying to coax you into it then you're in another abusive relationship and he should have changed the subject when you hedged the first time. Is he trying to talk you into it?

[reinventmyself]

I have learned that just out of a relationship I feel frustrated. After all you are used to having regular physical contact and the absence of it all of sudden feels somewhat of a withdrawal.

Consider it all part & parcel of the whole break up process.

 

After time it settles down. It never really goes away but it's much more manageable.

Give it some time. . see if you feel differently

[ThatwasThen]

Op: You just left your husband on September 20th... May I suggest you put this on the back burner and get yourself organized. Make your children your first priority now.

[XceptionFatale]

Eep, my post was simply not to feel bad about having sexual desires and being a woman. Protecting your mind and body are of course the most important things to consider in all of this.

 

Im new to the forum, and I am personally involved in a long term monogomous relationship. I would never suggest anyone, male OR female sleep around without regard to their health.

 

If my post came across that way, I sincerely didn't intend it to

[betterthanever]

I waited a full year of no sex while giving my husband room to move out and honored that time for myself to grow. I am happy I did. I recently asked an old collegue to be a FWB for a while. Totally new to me and not behavior I have done in past, but I find it liberating, and still a way to learn about me. He seems to be cool w it, though I am keeping that communication way open. I am just happy to know I can make a date and have some cozy time occasionally. Like taking a spa day, but in bed with a friend. If you have to have the emotional connection beyond that right now, than definitely don't go for this. If you like the sound of the spa date but with sex, than that is what this has been like for me. I also know in about 6 months we will go back to just being friends and be ok with it too.

[Cope]

If you find it liberating but you still feel guilty because "it's not a proper thing for a woman to want" , please go for it. This is growing. Take your time and on your own pace etc,but trust me, you'll love it! We have the same sexual needs as men, patriarchy has implanted all this guilt. Good luck on your journey and have fun!

[Batya33]

No one should feel badly or guilty about sexual desires with rare exception (i.e. if it presents as a mental illness/disorder -then the point is not to feel badly but to recognize it as a potential issue and get help) Whether to act on sexual desires in a particular way is another thing entirely. For me personally what I found liberating was to express my sexuality in a committed relationship and especially once we got engaged - and I understand others feel liberated by having multiple partners. I would not make the assumption that acting in a liberated way sexually requires casual sex or multiple partners -many other alternatives.

[dias]

Never ever feel bad about wanting to express your sexuality as a female. Check out Betty Dodson on Google. I guaruntee you'll feel little to no shame if you read some of her articles.

 

As for the ex thing...no sweetheart. I suggest getting your frustrations out by yourself, us chikas need to self service far more often!

 

However, if you are craving the physical intimacy and companionship of a man, you are in luck! There are so many no strings attached apps and websites, I suggest doing a little "window shopping" so to speak, so you can allow yourself to heal.

 

You have every right to be healthy and satisfied like a man, and you have the same rights to feel zero shame because of it.

You should have been a candidate for presidency, not Hillary. If I were an American I would vote you for sure!

[ZeddsDed]

Wow lots of feedback! Thanks for all of the replies. I appreciate the advice.

 

Couple of factors I should have made clear in my OP.

Firstly, I first left my husband over a year ago. Our relationship ended in August 2016. Since then, there has been ups and downs with him, promises etc.. but I legally had him removed from my home on September 20th. I had detached from him LONG before that.

 

My children are my world and I do everything I can for them. My sex life and my children are completely separate and I don't feel like they should be brought into this subject. I find that kind of offensive.

 

Second, I dont really feel shame for these urges, I feel them very strongly and have done for a while. I don't want to have one night stands, deal with expectations or any messiness. The man in question and I have discussed boundaries, expectations and respect. We both want the same thing, I like that I feel in control of this situation and it isn't harming me emotionally. I do feel liberated!! I'm not getting woo' d into having sex. I'm not letting my guard down. I want him to pleasure me the way I need, vice versa and part ways.

 

 

 

Obviously, I haven't done it yet. I want to make sure I'm ready and I was mainly wondering if a purely physical sexual relationship would be harmful to my growth and healing.. it's not something I feel comfortable bringing up in therapy so I had preferred to ask your opinions here

 

 

I had confided in a friend about it, she thought it was shameful and it made me question myself yesterday, if this is behaviour that a strong woman would ever do.

Hmm. We are still discussing It.

[Cope]

I had confided in a friend about it, she thought it was shameful and it made me question myself yesterday, if this is behaviour that a strong woman would ever do.

 

It sure is something a smart women does occasionally. Noone's perfect! So you questioned yourself, that's good! That's growing! You consider this person a friend, meaning they know you, you trust their opinion, of course it will make you think twice! I think, and according to your timeline and your clarification above, that you sure are ready to do it!

 

If you don't feel comfortable bringing it up in therapy, maybe think about changing your therapist? Just a thought.

 

I used to always consult my friends and forums almost every time I had to make a decision. It was good help and still is, but once I stopped, I feel much more confident in myself. Deep down inside we all really know the answer right? It's that deep click we feel.

[ThatwasThen]

Obviously, I haven't done it yet. I want to make sure I'm ready and I was mainly wondering if a purely physical sexual relationship would be harmful to my growth and healing.. it's not something I feel comfortable bringing up in therapy so I had preferred to ask your opinions here

Please do the right thing for yourself and discuss it with your therapist. None of us (that I know of) are professional counselors and our opinions are just like ***h****... we all have one.

 

We cannot judge how you will react when/if you catch feelings for this guy and all he wants to do is bang you without commitment. You, by all accounts have never been in a casual sexual relationship so you don't know how you're going to handle this.

 

There is nothing wrong with having a sex only relationship until something becomes wrong emotionally.

 

I'm sorry that my suggestion offended you but your children at this point (with him just leaving a month ago) I'm sure are going to need your full attention without the (possible) emotional toil this arrangement COULD have on you. Talk with your therapist and then proceed with the full knowledge of such a dynamic.

 

May I ask why you feel in control here? You feel in control because he's leaving the decision up to you? That is your right... something like this is based on a mutual decision.

[ZeddsDed]

Well, he isn't exactly what I would consider a close friend. I have met him briefly, he asked me out to breakfast one day and I accepted. As we spoke, I felt like he was interested and trying to maybe start some sort of relationship.

I clarified that I was new to town, didn't know anybody and just wanted to get out and meet new people etc. That I didn't have the time to 'date' and couldn't give my commitment as I have 3 children that need my full attention.

He agreed, said It was a smart decision. He said there was something about me that was intriguing and wanted to get to know me. I agreed, I felt the same.

 

I feel in control because it was me that brought up that I had the urge for physical contact with a man and that I would be interested in a sexual relationship, no strings type deal. Somebody who I could have sex with every so often when my children slept at their grandparents on a Thursday night without the need for constant contact or commitment. He said he would be interested. And we said we would discuss it further. Which we have. I feel like I chose it. There was no coaxing in any way. Maybe that's why I feel like it was a choice and it makes me feel confident? I'm not sure.

I haven't made many decisions in my last 5 years relationship, and I guess I enjoy that I have that right now

 

I will try to bring it up with my therapist. I see her weekly now, I love her as a therapist but I do like to keep some things private. My sex life is just something that I struggle to speak about at times.

I do like this forum for that reason!!

[ZeddsDed]

It sure is something a smart women does occasionally. Noone's perfect! So you questioned yourself, that's good! That's growing! You consider this person a friend, meaning they know you, you trust their opinion, of course it will make you think twice! I think, and according to your timeline and your clarification above, that you sure are ready to do it!

 

If you don't feel comfortable bringing it up in therapy, maybe think about changing your therapist? Just a thought.

 

I used to always consult my friends and forums almost every time I had to make a decision. It was good help and still is, but once I stopped, I feel much more confident in myself. Deep down inside we all really know the answer right? It's that deep click we feel.

I wanted to add, that the main symptom I feel from my abusive past is the struggle I have making decisions.

I always ask other people before doing something, even like in this situation. It feels okay to do, it feels safe and I want to do it. But I still feel the need to seek validation.

It is something we work on a lot in therapy and have done for a year now. But I still struggle with it... Obviously

[thealchemist]

Well I am a guy and I cannot remove emotional attachment from sex. So no matter how much I might have wanted to have a "no strings attached" scenario that isn't possible for me. Do you have any idea how you would respond?

 

As far as being an inappropriate action... Who the F cares what others think. What you do in your bedroom is between the parties involved.

 

I would recommend some discretion but that would be merely for your children.

 

If you think you can do this and it will be good for you then go for it.

 

Although no matter how protected you are there is always a chance of pregnancy. So that needs to be taken into account. Also the whole STD situation.

 

But if both adults are responsible and you understand the risks then it is your own prerogative.

[catfeeder]

Well I am a guy and I cannot remove emotional attachment from sex. So no matter how much I might have wanted to have a "no strings attached" scenario that isn't possible for me. Do you have any idea how you would respond?

 

Same is true for me. I may have intended no strings, but I learned that I bond whenever I have sex, and that sends any detachment and control that I originally felt straight out the window--along with my judgment.

 

So given that I bond whether I want to, or not, I've decided that it's crucial for me to really get to know a potential lover and to use good discretion about exactly who I'll want to bond WITH during that early window of time that I still have good discretion as an option.

[betterthanever]

Go out, have fun. If it leads to sex, than see how that feels too. There is no shame in the journey. Don't over think this, really. It is completely natural! I have learned that and am not looking back. You have to be clear if the experience, the experiment, is aligned with your values, which I sense you have not made quite clear yet. So go out, have fun and see where it leads. Your values will guide you.

[Cope]

I wanted to add, that the main symptom I feel from my abusive past is the struggle I have making decisions.

I always ask other people before doing something, even like in this situation. It feels okay to do, it feels safe and I want to do it. But I still feel the need to seek validation.

It is something we work on a lot in therapy and have done for a year now. But I still struggle with it... Obviously

 

I know! I wanted to be sure I got every point of view too! Did I think all of this through? Maybe I missed something.

I got over it very recently so I still struggle sometimes to not call my friend and spam her! Fortunately she knows the problem and doesn't enable me.

What made me finally change? I got tired of it. Simple as that. Got tired of talking and talking when ,just like you , I already knew the answer! You're getting there! It's empowering on the other side!

 

 

Edit to add:

 

To the main subject:

 

I started my casual journey earlier this year and it has been very fun and enlightening. What help me through my first encounter was that we didn't have many things in common. He wouldn't be my first choice to date. Nice guy,little (enough) attraction and no cuddling. It confuses things. Try not to spend the night also. Protection, protection, protection! Even if it's your 10th time.

No contact,only to arrange a meeting. This guy is not your friend. The F in FWB is just polite. If you catch yourself daydreaming about him, flirt with another guy or just focus on something else, do not contact him. I think that's about it.