Would you want to know if your bf had secret child

[Mollymay]

I have a 21 month old daughter who wasn't planned but very loved....her father left while I was pregnant and has never met her through his choice.he has payed 20 pounds a week since she was 6 months but he is self employed and lives with parents.before xmas I got message saying he wanted to check we were ok and give our daughter money for xmas plus her birthday is boxing day....well xmas went and gone and no word I left it.i have now found out he started dating a new woman and now they are serious and pics on fb. She looks like a nice person and has pics of her nephews I don't think she has a clue about my daughter is think she deserves to know should I message her ?????

[AnPan]

I would definitely try to discuss that with your child's father first. If you were to contact his girlfriend without him knowing it could bring up issues and obstacles in their relationship. Talk to him and see where you all stand to get a better picture and you two can decide together if you want the new gf to know about your son or not.

[happyfrank]

No because he is single and can do what he wants. He should be the one to tell her. She is going to find out sooner or later if this is a serious relationship.

 

Good luck.

[reinventmyself]

I have a 21 month old daughter who wasn't planned but very loved....her father left while I was pregnant and has never met her through his choice.he has payed 20 pounds a week since she was 6 months but he is self employed and lives with parents.before xmas I got message saying he wanted to check we were ok and give our daughter money for xmas plus her birthday is boxing day....well xmas went and gone and no word I left it.i have now found out he started dating a new woman and now they are serious and pics on fb. She looks like a nice person and has pics of her nephews I don't think she has a clue about my daughter is think she deserves to know should I message her ?????

 

 

NO! You don't know that he hasn't told her and at some point he will have to.

What do you gain by telling her?

You'll only look bitter and resentful and it's not your place to spread the news.

[firelily]

No, I wouldn't do that. He will decide when to tell her.

 

At this point, if they just started dating, she may not need to know this straight away, and she should know from him. He should tell her about the child before they marry one day, in his own way and timing. If you talk to his date instead of him, you not only sabotage their relationship - and he wants to build a new life now, but also your parenting relationship with him by going behind his back.

 

The proper way is to talk to your ex about it. Discuss with him how much do you want him to support your daughter and how much do you want him to be involved. You deserve a proper alimentation and he needs to fulfil his promises to his daughter. If you're not satisfied with his level of commitment, solve it with him first. Ask him if pursuing a new life will stand in a way of supporting your daughter, or not. Tell him that you'd like his future family (wife and kids) to know about your daughter. When you don't know if he's serious about dating someone, give him time to involve this new person in a new situation.

[Mollymay]

No one knows apart from him and his parents if ppl ask if he has kids he says no....he hasn't spoke to me or my daughter since he started dating. I just felt like I'd want to know because it shows his character it's not like she will disappear in 10 years she will be contacting him to say why wasn't you around.

[firelily]

Also, do his parents know about your daughter? Maybe they would like to support her financially and be more involved in her life, instead of him?

[melancholy123]

It's not up to you to tell her, you dont know her and have no idea what he's told her.

[Unreasonable]

No, keeping his love interests well informed is not your responsibility. Let's say you had something important about yourself, and your ex thought it was his responsibility to tell your boyfriend about that before you did? How would it make you feel?

[Mollymay]

I wrote a letter to his parents when my daughter was born in send them pictures they have never met her or send a birthday or xmas card but at least I can tell her I tried to reach out to them.i don't really have family plus have some health problems.

[journeynow]

It's annoying of him to announce a gift but not give it, but don't get involved in his relationships. Be a good mother to your daughter, and maybe some day he'll mature into a better father. For now, it's good he is providing some financial input, and I think it is fine to give him updates about her when he asks.

[Mollymay]

He doesn't ask for updates he has never even asked her name ! He don't want to know he gave 125 pounds to dog charity at Xmas but nothing to my daughter

[journeynow]

He doesn't ask for updates he has never even asked her name ! He don't want to know he gave 125 pounds to dog charity at Xmas but nothing to my daughter

 

You said " I got message saying he wanted to check we were ok", so it sounded like he was checking on her. How do you know what charities he is giving to?

[Unreasonable]

He doesn't ask for updates he has never even asked her name ! He don't want to know he gave 125 pounds to dog charity at Xmas but nothing to my daughter

 

He sounds like a crappy guy and father, and I sympathize. I would not fault you for being bitter about it. That said, it is still not your responsibility to keep his love interests well informed. It's his.

[Mollymay]

He did message me out of the blue before Xmas that's 9 months ago and I believed he wanted to make a mends. I was giving 5 pounds to dogs trust on fb and saw he had left a message I didn't know he was a member so was shocked and hurt.

[itsallgrand]

No you shouldn't tell her.

 

But you should have filed for child support? Did you?

[firelily]

Then maybe you should demand higher alimentation.

I'm not an expert in this, but maybe it would be better if this was a legal binding obligation, ruled by court? What do you think, guys?

[Mollymay]

He said we can sort it out between us I know I'd get more but I felt guilty in a way because he wanted me to terminate but I was nearly 5 months when I found out so couldn't and she's such a lovely child now. I work full time so its hard but i manage I just wish she had family that cared

[arjumand]

Quit feeling guilty about him -- he made a child, he at least has to pay for it. File for formal support -- stop following him and worrying about him -- put your energy into yourself and your daughter. And get that support!

[ThatwasThen]

He doesn't ask for updates he has never even asked her name ! He don't want to know he gave 125 pounds to dog charity at Xmas but nothing to my daughter

 

How do you know this and have you actually gone to family court to get his wages garnisheed? If he's not paying support payments on a regular time table based on his income then YOU need to get that arranged through family court. He doesn't get to shuck his responsibility even if he wants nothing to do with his child.

[reinventmyself]

After reading through this again it seems your justification for telling the new girlfriend isn't entirely true.

Telling her isn't for her benefit. It's more for retaliation.

Having said that, it's understandable that you are disappointed. But be honest with yourself as to what your motivations truly are.

[Mollymay]

No retaliation ! I'd love for my daughters dad and grandparents to be in her life I kinda hope that the gf will be able to convince him to be part of his daughters life !

[ThatwasThen]

No retaliation ! I'd love for my daughters dad and grandparents to be in her life I kinda hope that the gf will be able to convince him to be part of his daughters life !

 

She's his G/F not his wife. Leave them alone and just keep sending up-to-date photos of their granddaughter to his parents. Let them know that you are open to them meeting her when/if they are ever so inclined.

[Mollymay]

I will as long as I can but I am very ill so won't be around forever and as I said I don't have family !

[ThatwasThen]

I will as long as I can but I am very ill so won't be around forever and as I said I don't have family !

Are you saying you're dying?