Is it wrong to ask bf for half the household expenses?

[Gymgirl71]

The expenses don't even have a thing to do with my son is the crazy part. It's rent, food and utilities. And most of the food is my bfs. My food bill has increased because of him.

[Gymgirl71]

The dependent is a child, not a roommate. The mother and child should be treated as an item when it comes to housing. Now, if they were both biological parents to the child I would bet both of them would each be paying half of the expenses. Neither one would be treating the child as a roommate in this case and no one parent would be paying more than the other. When you enter into a relationship, you have to expect to take the mother and child in as family.

 

I am sure if the OP and her SO actually signed a lease, the landlord would treat the mother and child as one, instead of the boyfriend paying the mother cash. Or, in a different light, the landlord wouldn't care how the dependent was related to each parent and just make both adults in the household sign the lease which means they both pay half. He is cheating the system by giving the OP cash instead of legally signing a lease. He should pay half of the rent, not a third. Either officially add him to the lease, in which the landlord will make him responsible for contributing to half of the rent, or kick him out.

 

Now, if the boyfriend is being a real stickler about not accepting the child as their own, then sure let him pay a third for utilities and groceries. This would be equivalent to moving in a roommate instead of a significant other and having them sign on to the lease. I guesstimate this will make him contribute to about 40% of the expenses, but he has been clear he will not agree to this. In addition to all the other issues that seem to be going on, I would just kick him out. Not worth it. Just know you were fair enough and keep your head held high.

 

In the future, don't move in with a SO until they're financially stable and on the lease. It could avoid all these issues and feelings of being taken advantage of the next time around.

yeah I felt I was being fair by paying 60% and asking for 40%. He just wants his way and I feel it's always been about him and never about us.

[HeartGoesOn]

Gymgirl, I'll put it bluntly...Why is he still living with you?

[Gymgirl71]

Read jman and the lovely Pippy and you two are correct. If you have a dependent, you are receiving money for them. So it's not entirely fair to go halfers.

 

Truth be told though, this "man" of yours sounds like a free loader and will be no good for a partner.

I do not receive child support, otherwise it would be arguable. Me and his dad have 50/50 joint custody. My expenses have increased because of my bf not my son and he can afford to pay his fair share.

[Gymgirl71]

Gymgirl, I'll put it bluntly...Why is he still living with you?

I was trying to work things out but I can see I made a mistake

[Gymgirl71]

OK, I do see the point about having a dependent, and thus your boyfriend not owing half, but some other percentage.

 

Still, his attitude about this is disconcerting. I'd bet he's not factoring in the amount of space/rent the child is taking, but rather his own lack of desire to contribute as much as he could.

what I don't like is how he told me he's giving me money I didn't get before. Yet, my expenses have increased since he moved in. But he doesn't care.

[Starlight925]

Yeah, I really just don't like this.

 

I do think it's important to have a legal agreement, on paper, prior to moving in with anyone. Obviously this is post-fact, but it's never too late to draw something up.

 

I just don't like his attitude about this. Kind of like, it's not up for discussion. This is what I'm paying, live with it or not.

 

This would bother me greatly, so I get why this upsets you.

[Gymgirl71]

That's what bothers me. He won't see where I'm coming from at all. He thinks he's calling the shots. Well he can do so but not in my house!

[j.man]

Let me clarify something for those of you thinking that a child is a roommate.

 

First, me and my son shared a room. He is with me half time and his father the other half.

 

Before my bf moved in I didn't use as much on electricity or food, etc. He has the AC on when he gets home yet doesn't pay extra and has taken over my household. You don't split rent with a child that is ludicrous

I don't consider a child a "roommate" simply by virtue of the kid obviously not being expected to be responsible as one. Still, your kid's another human being (one you're responsible for) sharing the space. He sits on the couch. He commands attention (as a kid does and should). He watches TV or plays games or whatever else. He ****s on the toilet. Apparently he even sleeps in the same bedroom as everyone? Or your boyfriend then has to sleep in the common area when you have your so? However that goes. Regardless, I prefer to humanize kids rather than treat them as a giant, slightly inconvenient roller bag that sits in the living room because there's no space anywhere else or a braindead Siamese twin when considering equitable rent contribution.

 

It honestly shocks me if a parent can look at their kid and think more or less "Oh yeah. They're pretty much just a minor extension of me. No biggie." Assuming you've raised him, I'm sure you know damn well better than that. He's a kid and is just as much, if not more so a presence as any grownup. You account for that.

 

It's kinda upsetting I have to raise the point as it sounds like the dude's been an outright bum the bulk of the time and I'd hate to sound like I'm empathizing with him. Rather, it's to suggest that if you're going to persist in keeping him around (which I still think is a bad idea), you need to draw up strict but equitable terms. Stop damning yourself with combined bills for food and household items. Draw up a subleasing agreement or outright get him to apply to become a tenant on the unit. If you want your boyfriend out and he doesn't want to leave, go to your landlord and have him serve your boyfriend a notice to vacate on the grounds of being an unauthorized occupant. As a tenant and not the owner, you won't have the authority to evict him or serve a binding notice, though you could try to bluff.

 

But, again, unless your goal in bringing him in has pretty much explicitly been to relieve your financial burden, even if eventually, it seems the best course of action by far is to get him out rather than continue to work through these hurdles.

[pippy longstocking]

Wow... I cannot believe the people who think things should be divided by 1/3... My daughter is 7. Yes, I get child support but it's no where near enough to cover bills. It covers her daycare. I foot everything else. You would think someone who loves and cares about you would be more than willing to help you out with the expenses, regardless. I would be bending over backwards to do my part if I were him. I personally just think it's morally right for him to pay half... But maybe 60/40 to accommodate for you having a child... ?!?!

 

In the eyes if the law ...that was what I was personally saying ... if this had to go to court for example .

 

what the hell time is it , why are you yanks still up

[boltnrun]

I was trying to work things out but I can see I made a mistake

 

What made you think things would change?

 

I hope you didn't think he'd change just because you "hoped" or because he said he would.

[Gymgirl71]

Well I gave him notice to move out. It's not because Of the money it's just everything that has occurred. I am always sad and he just seems to have a hole in his heart. He blames all his problems on me and wants me to change yet he thinks he is issue free.

 

He's s bum and a sponge and needs to get his life together. He's 42 years old and doesn't get it

[thealchemist]

He will continue to take advantage of you for as long as you allow him.

 

I have a kid and another on the way. To assume that a child should have an equal split of expenses is crazy. To think that they have zero excess expense is also crazy. My daughter takes up a lot of resources. Not as much as me but by no means "nothing".

 

That is a moot point. You don't need to try to find a finacially viable approach to this. Just kick is lazy @ss out.

[Gymgirl71]

He will continue to take advantage of you for as long as you allow him.

 

I have a kid and another on the way. To assume that a child should have an equal split of expenses is crazy. To think that they have zero excess expense is also crazy. My daughter takes up a lot of resources. Not as much as me but by no means "nothing".

 

That is a moot point. You don't need to try to find a finacially viable approach to this. Just kick is lazy @ss out.

Done. Told his no good @ss that he needs to pack and start making phone calls to find a place to live sooner rather than later. Sooner is better because if he takes too long he will try to manipulate me and change my mind. He talks a good game.

[PHENOMENOL]

I think he should pay half on the Rent and sometime even go beyond

just for situations like this not to happen. but be careful if he is only using you

for your home. Guys do have a reputation from being a MAMABOY.....

[j.man]

I think he should pay half on the Rent and sometime even go beyond

just for situations like this not to happen. but be careful if he is only using you

for your home. Guys do have a reputation from being a MAMABOY.....

Gotta look out for the MAMABOYYYYZZZZZ

[PHENOMENOL]

Gotta look out for the MAMABOYYYYZZZZZ

 

Yass, jejeje jejejej. I'm surrounded by boys all the time. So I know who there are. If he truly love her, he will work with her and not make her feel used.

[Jibralta]

Wow... I cannot believe the people who think things should be divided by 1/3... My daughter is 7. Yes, I get child support but it's no where near enough to cover bills. It covers her daycare. I foot everything else. You would think someone who loves and cares about you would be more than willing to help you out with the expenses, regardless. I would be bending over backwards to do my part if I were him. I personally just think it's morally right for him to pay half... But maybe 60/40 to accommodate for you having a child... ?!?!

 

Seriously, REALITY CHECK. My sister and I grew up without my father paying A DIME of child support. And believe me, that was the case for most of my friends. The term Deadbeat Dad didn't come from nowhere. My sister and I grew up thinking men were incompetent. No one told us that, it's just what we saw. Anyhoo, this guy is LUCKY to have a home with this woman! If he doesn't want the kid, then he can get out. What is he doing there anyway? Did he not know there was a child?

[itsallgrand]

Good thing you booted him!

Someone who is comfortable mooching will mooch you dry, if you let them.

 

Something to think about going forward is why you allowed him to move in with you and your child while he was unemployed and paying his way for months, a year? Why did you do that? Knowing why will help you not make the same mistakes again.