Sexual attraction in love and relationships

[tattoobunnie]

It seems like you're eager to frame me as some judgy, body-shamer, and setting me up to defend a straw man with these questions.

 

The easier explanation is that I simply lacked compatibility with these women, and it took several months to realize that.

 

I'm actually not. There are tons of ways people try to self-sabotage relationships. Your comment is typical tactic to try deflect back onto me though. Sorry, won't work here.

 

Again, How long has been your longest relationship, and how long ago was it?

 

I also find it interesting how you don't want to be judged or looked at a certain way, but you are quick to get turned off by a woman's body, and wind up not dating them. It's kind of calling the kettle black, really.

[thealchemist]

In recent relationships, I lost the sexual chemistry by about month 4 or 5. Obviously we had gotten to know each other plenty well at that point. Intimacy is clearly not the factor.

 

In other instances I've had sex with a girl on the second or third date, and still had flaming chemistry four months later. However those 'relationships' had to end for other reasons, such as the girl not being interested in commitment or some other very large obstacle.

You lose interest because sexual chemistry alone only gets you so far. That is why they fizzle out. If you would have held off with sex in those previous relationships you would likely have ended it much sooner because the lack of emotional connection.

 

I must say. The more you explain your issue the more I think everyone's consensus was right.

 

If you have sex before you have emotional closeness then you are doing it primarily on raw sexual attraction. That is a very poor deciding factor on a long term partner. If you wait until you are emotional close you will have a much smaller part of that connection be raw sexual attraction. That is why it helps like we are saying.

 

If you have raw sexual attraction to someone I also think waiting is smart. If you jump into sex before that connection you aren't going to be able to truly assess your emotional connection until the honeymoon phase is over. Which is a lot of wasted time if you aren't compatible emotionally.

 

So for a LTR either way, waiting is going to increase the chances for the average person. All the things you have said about your experiences doesnt make me think you are different, in fact it makes me more certain this could be your issue.

 

This is all based on my assumption that you are looking for a healthy and long lasting relationship.

 

I also am still curious how you compare yourself to this girl on purely physical attractiveness.

[carolina55]

I'm actually not. There are tons of ways people try to self-sabotage relationships. Your comment is typical tactic to try deflect back onto me though. Sorry, won't work here.

 

Again, How long has been your longest relationship, and how long ago was it?

 

I also find it interesting how you don't want to be judged or looked at a certain way, but you are quick to get turned off by a woman's body, and wind up not dating them. It's kind of calling the kettle black, really.

 

Yeah... you're clearly not here with the intention of offering advice and constructive dialogue.

 

Have a nice day.

[j.man]

I don't think it's that complicated. You're going after women who you simply aren't physically attracted to enough to sustain a long term sexual interest. I've been there, though usually as a consequence of beer goggles or having actually been aware I was on the fence in terms of attraction and once the novelty wore off, I was safely on the "nope" side. Likely an issue of you not being selective enough in terms of aesthetics. A lot of people are great on paper or even as friends or roommates. But if you're not attracted to them, it is what is. You let them go or end up a failed relationship and/or infidelity statistic.

[carolina55]

You lose interest because sexual chemistry alone only gets you so far. That is why they fizzle out. If you would have held off with sex in those previous relationships you would likely have ended it much sooner because the lack of emotional connection.

 

I must say. The more you explain your issue the more I think everyone's consensus was right.

 

If you have sex before you have emotional closeness then you are doing it primarily on raw sexual attraction. That is a very poor deciding factor on a long term partner. If you wait until you are emotional close you will have a much smaller part of that connection be raw sexual attraction. That is why it helps like we are saying.

 

If you have raw sexual attraction to someone I also think waiting is smart. If you jump into sex before that connection you aren't going to be able to truly assess your emotional connection until the honeymoon phase is over. Which is a lot of wasted time if you aren't compatible emotionally.

 

So for a LTR either way, waiting is going to increase the chances for the average person. All the things you have said about your experiences doesnt make me think you are different, in fact it makes me more certain this could be your issue.

 

This is all based on my assumption that you are looking for a healthy and long lasting relationship.

 

I also am still curious how you compare yourself to this girl on purely physical attractiveness.

 

Well, not to be so contrarian, but it's not everyone's consensus on this thread. Dancingfool offered a very different explanation, as did a few others.

 

I'll answer your last question. But I'm curious, why do you feel a comparison of physical attractiveness is important to this discussion?

[thealchemist]

Well, not to be so contrarian, but it's not everyone's consensus on this thread. Dancingfool offered a very different explanation, as did a few others.

 

I'll answer your last question. But I'm curious, why do you feel a comparison of physical attractiveness is important to this discussion?

I have a few friends who can't ever find a girl attractive that is willing to date them. They are averagely attractive and are only physically attracted to extremely attractive girls.

 

They have in the past over compensated by dating a girl a lot less attractive than them hoping that it will somehow help their relationship issues. They however never seem to find a girl equally attractive as them.

 

Almost as if a less attractive woman will help stimulate their emotional side. Don't really get it but I have seen it.

 

That is the reason for that question.

 

You are also right, the variety in opinions is one of the great things here.

[carolina55]

I have a few friends who can't ever find a girl attractive that is willing to date them. They are averagely attractive and are only physically attracted to extremely attractive girls.

 

They have in the past over compensated by dating a girl a lot less attractive than them hoping that it will somehow help their relationship issues. They however never seem to find a girl equally attractive as them.

 

That is the reason for that question.

 

That's honestly how I would surmise my dating history. A lot of the women I "settle down" with have been, in my opinion, less attractive than myself. I noticed it at the beginning, and it reared its ugly head months later. Compatibility issues only exacerbated it. I hesitated saying that cause I was concerned it would sound arrogant.

 

There was one interesting outlier however. I did date a woman who was incredibly attractive. "Out of my league" I dare say. The sexual chemistry died down, but I never lost attraction for her.

[tattoobunnie]

Yeah... you're clearly not here with the intention of offering advice and constructive dialogue.

 

Have a nice day.

 

Okay - way to deflect again. I'm trying to figure out how your issue started; it sounds like since it's always been like this and pretty much you find yourself in the same scenario, there was something that could have triggered this.

 

I'm not here to coddle you, buddy, and in the same token I take your issue seriously.

[thealchemist]

Well I am a pretty arrogant guy so no worries with me in that department.

 

Right before my wife there was a girl who was really interested in me. She was crazily attractive, definitely an "out of my league" person. Never have I been more bored of a person in my life... I cant even tell you how bad it was.

 

If you are looking for a heathy long term relationship I would recommend several things.

 

1. If you have little to no physical attraction to the woman just move on. The chances that it gets a lot better after sex is slim.

 

2. If you have physical attraction to a woman you are dating then wait on sex until you have a bit more of an emotional connection. Otherwise you will jump the gun and get tied up in the honeymoon phase before you even know if you have a future.

 

These are advice to get a meaningful LTR with as little dating as possible.

 

You previous examples of dating don't seem to be long term so that information is not very relevant.

[carolina55]

Okay - way to deflect again. I'm trying to figure out how your issue started; it sounds like since it's always been like this and pretty much you find yourself in the same scenario, there was something that could have triggered this.

 

I'm not here to coddle you, buddy, and in the same token I take your issue seriously.

 

The opposite of coddling isn't baseless accusation. In your first comment, you said I was being "judgy" when nothing in my post insinuated that. Then you made more accusations of me "looking for faults" and taking on a demanding tone about me answering how long my relationships have been.

 

Dancingfool didn't coddle me at all in her previous post, and yet I appreciated it.

[AtitAgain]

Interesting issue that you have got there... I have been on the complete opposite side of the fence. Physical chemistry/attraction was still very strong, but I simply could not stand the person anymore.

 

Dealing with my ex used to drive me absolutely insane, but had she wanted sex, I would have been down any time. She was definitely the person I have had the most sexual chemistry with in my life ever, but impossible to live with. And we were together for 5 years.

 

With my current gf it is a much more balanced/healthy experience. Sexual chemistry is there, but it is not "animal rage level" (which I prefer, makes me last longer/perform better in bed - which is also a plus for her ). She is amazing to deal with - sweetest girl I've ever been with.

 

I would advise for you to look for a happy medium. But, if you really don't have the level of attraction for the woman that makes you want to have sex every day (not that you would, but wish you did), then imo you need to keep looking.

[dias]

Interesting issue that you have got there... I have been on the complete opposite side of the fence. Physical chemistry/attraction was still very strong, but I simply could not stand the person anymore.

 

Dealing with my ex used to drive me absolutely insane, but had she wanted sex, I would have been down any time. She was definitely the person I have had the most sexual chemistry with in my life ever, but impossible to live with. And we were together for 5 years.

 

With my current gf it is a much more balanced/healthy experience. Sexual chemistry is there, but it is not "animal rage level" (which I prefer, makes me last longer/perform better in bed - which is also a plus for her ). She is amazing to deal with - sweetest girl I've ever been with.

 

I would advise for you to look for a happy medium. But, if you really don't have the level of attraction for the woman that makes you want to have sex every day (not that you would, but wish you did), then imo you need to keep looking.

Completely agree with this. I do believe that you can't have it all. Just find the sweet spot for you.

[tattoobunnie]

The opposite of coddling isn't baseless accusation. In your first comment, you said I was being "judgy" when nothing in my post insinuated that. Then you made more accusations of me "looking for faults" and taking on a demanding tone about me answering how long my relationships have been.

 

Dancingfool didn't coddle me at all in her previous post, and yet I appreciated it.

 

But you still can't answer my question. I am obviously hitting a nerve.

[thealchemist]

The opposite of coddling isn't baseless accusation. In your first comment, you said I was being "judgy" when nothing in my post insinuated that. Then you made more accusations of me "looking for faults" and taking on a demanding tone about me answering how long my relationships have been.

 

Dancingfool didn't coddle me at all in her previous post, and yet I appreciated it.

Well I have to be honest. If you aren't judging people that you date you are doing it wrong. There is a very thin red line between judging and being judgy though.

 

You don't seem judgy to me. Just honest.

 

I really think that if you continue with your current dating strategy you will continue to have the issues you described.

[AtitAgain]

But you still can't answer my question. I am obviously hitting a nerve.

 

Is hitting a nerve the point, or something to be celebrated? You come are coming across more judgy than the OP. The only difference is that you are judging him as a person, instead of someone's looks...

 

I agree with whoever said that he is just being honest. Everyone is perfectly within their rights to "judge" who they are to be with.. isn't that the point of dating? To judge if you are compatible? Looks/attractiveness is a huge part of it, if it wasn't, people wouldn't catfish each other, or only post their best pictures on dating apps.

 

Such a "holier than thou" attitude... seriously..

[thealchemist]

But you still can't answer my question. I am obviously hitting a nerve.

His opening post states he has been in several LTR that are less than a year. That is pretty clear indication of dating history.

 

I must say that I consider him to never have had a real long term relationship. No negativities with that just observations.

 

I do feel that you are being a bit too aggressive towards the OP. He answered my extra questions but I am not being so aggressive about it all.

[catfeeder]

I don't think you're being judgy, I think you're running into an issue we all face: most people are NOT our match.

 

That's only frustrating when we try to turn wrong matches into right ones. That doesn't work, and it breaks hearts. So 3 dates or 30 doesn't really matter--if you're not with the right person, you're not going to feel attracted to her. True, falling in love can take time, but trusting your intuition along the way can spare you from investing in people when you're already clear on some level that she's not your match.

 

Your body is just telling you what your mind doesn't want to recognize.

 

I like to think of singles as each carrying around a puzzle piece as they meet one another to see if they can find a fit. Forcing a fit won't work--and it can alter the outcome of your puzzle. Fooling ourselves about wrong matches can appear to work for a time when we're young and skilled at fantasy, but as we mature, we've outsmarted ourselves with our old best tricks.

 

I find it liberating to accept that love is rare. It's supposed to be rare, or what would be so special about it? You'll learn over time the degree to which you can or can't hypnotize yourself into attraction to wrong matches. You'll figure out whether such attempts are worth your while--and worth hurting others.

 

This isn't really stuff anyone can teach us. We each view attraction through a unique lens. The goal of screening out wrong matches is to clear our path toward the needle in the haystack--the person who 'gets us' as nobody else can and who shares our vision and lights us up.

 

You'll know her when you meet her.

 

Head high.

[thealchemist]

I don't think you're being judgy, I think you're running into an issue we all face: most people are NOT our match.

 

That's only frustrating when we try to turn wrong matches into right ones. That doesn't work, and it breaks hearts. So 3 dates or 30 doesn't really matter--if you're not with the right person, you're not going to feel attracted to her. True, falling in love can take time, but trusting your intuition along the way can spare you from investing in people when you're already clear on some level that she's not your match.

 

Your body is just telling you what your mind doesn't want to recognize.

 

I like to think of singles as each carrying around a puzzle piece as they meet one another to see if they can find a fit. Forcing a fit won't work--and it can alter the outcome of your puzzle. Fooling ourselves about wrong matches can appear to work for a time when we're young and skilled at fantasy, but as we mature, we've outsmarted ourselves with our old best tricks.

 

I find it liberating to accept that love is rare. It's supposed to be rare, or what would be so special about it? You'll learn over time the degree to which you can or can't hypnotize yourself into attraction to wrong matches. You'll figure out whether such attempts are worth your while--and worth hurting others.

 

This isn't really stuff anyone can teach us. We each view attraction through a unique lens. The goal of screening out wrong matches is to clear our path toward the needle in the haystack--the person who 'gets us' as nobody else can and who shares our vision and lights us up.

 

You'll know her when you meet her.

 

Head high.

Also, those puzzle pieces are in a constant state of change. So not only do you need to be the right fit, you also need to change in ways that let you continue to fit together.

 

In my life I have seen very few great relationships. It is quite a rare thing. Love is nowhere near as rare. But love alone isnt enough for a relationship.

[tattoobunnie]

Is hitting a nerve the point, or something to be celebrated? You come are coming across more judgy than the OP. The only difference is that you are judging him as a person, instead of someone's looks...

 

I agree with whoever said that he is just being honest. Everyone is perfectly within their rights to "judge" who they are to be with.. isn't that the point of dating? To judge if you are compatible? Looks/attractiveness is a huge part of it, if it wasn't, people wouldn't catfish each other, or only post their best pictures on dating apps.

 

Such a "holier than thou" attitude... seriously..

 

Hey, I am talking the same way to you as I would my closest and dearest friends. I find if a person is rubbing me the wrong way, to sit with it, because there is something to what they are say, or else it would just wash over me. I'm not judging. I am trying to figure out if something happened to you over time, and it's been building into walls. I don't know you; you could be as kind as the pope for all I know. And you could like gigantic all tattooed up women with peg legs (whatever floats your boat). But since you keep finding yourself in the same predicament, it does not hurt to try different approaches in how you develop the core of the relationship.

[LithGazelle]

What is your question? If you are not attracted to her then the relationship will not work. I could not have a relationship with a man who had a small package no matter how great he was in all other aspects. There would be no sexual attraction and how would a relationship work if one does not wish to be intimate with the other.

[Jibralta]

Three months is no time. Emotional intimacy is only just beginning at that point. Based on his history of relationships and his reaction to comments about emotional intimacy, I get the impression that emotional intimacy is frightening to Carolina55, and that his libido is extinguished when the threat of emotional intimacy looms.

[ArianaTanmi]

It's very true to life I think. When people starting sexual relationship without being strongly emotionally involved they tend to evaluate partners clearly. That what's happening with you now and it's normal. But usually with time people don't pay attention and fell in love even with imperfections. Love is blind. And you are not in love yet.

In order to solve the situation you can try to know her better (if you think it worth it) but if you feel that situation is not going to improve then just leave her. She deserves someone who will love her.

But next time starting a relationship try to pick up girls whose body your attracted with.