Can't let go of my husband's past and thinking of breaking up. Am I crazy?

[Unreasonable]

My husband when I was talking about my concerns about his past, said it would have been rather strange to end our relationship of a hypothetical fear of his possible potential unfaithfulness.

He keeps insisting that these two relationships are day and night.

The more information you are providing, the more I am inclined to give him the benefit of the doubt. It does sound like the circumstances are quite different.

 

Also, while in 45 years I have never cheated, I am not so arrogant to believe that I am totally immune to infidelity regardless of circumstance. It is possible he will cheat, and is possible he won't. It is possible anybody you are ever with may cheat. This is not some bizarre phenomenon nobody's ever hear of. I wouldn't go celibate because of that though, that's a bit dramatic.

 

Again, seeing a counselor WON'T hurt!

[Lavatera]

I wouldn't go celibate because of that though, that's a bit dramatic.

 

Again, seeing a counselor WON'T hurt!

The "dramatic" comment put a smile on my face.

I was going to go celibate because of the kids and not because of the fear of being cheated on.

I simply don't want my kids to see a number of boyfriends.

I don't think it's healthy for them to see.

 

Yes, I am seriously considering a counselor.

 

Thank you!

[DancingFool]

"Just" perhaps wasn't an appropriate word here.

I dated him for 2 years.

Started dating him 1 year after my divorce (he was, as I said, 6 months).

So it's been 4.5 years after divorce (1 year by myself, 2 years of dating and 1.5 year married. Btw, we didn't live together when we were dating).

I introduced him to my kids after about 12 months of dating.

 

Btw, when I divorced my ex, I said to myself that I won't date, re-marry etc until my kids grow up. But didn't keep my own word.

 

I don't mean this in a bad way, but you are kind of all over the place and are putting too many not quite healthy expectations onto yourself. Why wouldn't you want to get remarried and show your children that life goes on? That's a better lesson than "that's it, world is ending, never again" because that shows an unhealthy inability to let go of the past and move forward.

 

Above aside, I think you are in a tough spot. I really don't know what I'd do in your shoes either. Part of me is going with the look at the present and live in the present - the fact that he is a good man to you. Other part is going - you just found out what he is capable of and it's disturbing and I understand how you are disturbed.

 

Since you are married, I'd say go for counseling. Not just for yourself but perhaps together as well. You just found out something about your husband that kind of shattered your ideas of who you thought he was. Understandably, you are upset, confused and lacking in trust at the moment. At the same time, it's important that you don't take this out on him or punish him for being honest with you when you asked about it. So perhaps working this out with a neutral party is best. Plus you seem to have plenty of personal baggage that you need to release outside of this situation. Sometimes you really do need someone to talk to who has the tools and knowledge to help you get this stuff out of your system.

[Lavatera]

At the same time, it's important that you don't take this out on him or punish him for being honest with you when you asked about it. So perhaps working this out with a neutral party is best. Plus you seem to have plenty of personal baggage that you need to release outside of this situation. Sometimes you really do need someone to talk to who has the tools and knowledge to help you get this stuff out of your system.

That's exactly it, DancingFool.

I do drive my husband crazy with this new obsession.

 

When I look at the situation as an outsider, I think this way.

Ok, he did bad things.

But right here, right now he is doing very well. Why would I bother to be concerned about some kind of hypothetical things that may or may not happen? Why wouldn't I just be happy at this very moment.

Besides, who can guarantee that my next partner (if I ever meet one), will be perfect, as no one is.

This guys, at least, put quite a lot of work into developing good relationship with the kids (it wasn't easy either as he had no experience whatsoever).

 

I actually don't know why I am obsessed.

I am quite a confident person, good-looking (or at least I think so well-educated etc etc.

 

I think I should learn how to solve problems when they arise and not get obsessed with something that could perhaps never happen.

[Lavatera]

I don't mean this in a bad way, but you are kind of all over the place and are putting too many not quite healthy expectations onto yourself. Why wouldn't you want to get remarried and show your children that life goes on? That's a better lesson than "that's it, world is ending, never again" because that shows an unhealthy inability to let go of the past and move forward.

Thank you. It wasn't quite "world is ending". My divorce was actually a positive happy thing to me and I didn't look back even a bit.

It was more like I was afraid that my next relationship wouldn't work out. And then i will go onto a next one, etc...

I don't know...Maybe I am too old-fashioned.

[LaHermes]

Hey. Lavatera!

 

"I simply don't want my kids to see a number of boyfriends"

 

Gee, there are people on here who can't even find ONE boyfriend, lol.

 

You are hardly going to have an army of BFs. L.

 

And, definitely what Dancing said:

 

" Sometimes you really do need someone to talk to who has the tools and knowledge to help you get this stuff out of your system."

[Lavatera]

Hey. Lavatera!

 

"I simply don't want my kids to see a number of boyfriends"

 

Gee, there are people on here who can't even find ONE boyfriend, lol.

 

You are hardly going to have an army of BFs. L.

LOL.

Right!

Besides, it is again a hypothetical projection that will likely never happen as you said

Thank you!

 

Just recalled Carnegie's "How to stop worrying and start living"

 

I think that's what I need.

[abitbroken]

Lots of men won't date women with kids due to not wanting drama with her ex or what have you, and he has fully embraced your kids. I am not telling you that meaning you can't find someone else -- but am meaning that you weren't perfection either. He has bridged a big gap that many men will not because he loves you.

 

Maybe now --- as he has told you something that he wouldn't tell other people because he wants 100% honesty with his wife -- you can bridge a big gap with him.

 

Afterall -- this is not your second date --- for whatever reason you have neglected to fully explore this issue - an issue (cheating) you claim is a dealbreaker to you when you were dating, and now you put him in a gotcha. He knew cheating was a dealbreaker for you based on your past marriage, and therefore, maybe he married you because he knew he was a man who would commit to you fully and would never cheat on you, despite his past.

 

You exchanged vows - in sickness and in health, etc, unless you went down to the JP -- so you should at this point honor your vows and either go to counseling or you decide to have an honest talk with your husband after you take a breather on the subject and stop freaking out.

 

what can you learn from your ex marriage? What can you learn from his? That intimacy is important, but communication is even more so. Strive for a marriage of communication.

[Lavatera]

Thank you, abitbroken.

 

What do you mean by "an honest talk"?

I told him that knowing his past really bothers me. He, in turn, as I said earlier, said that (a) these two relationships are day and night, that (b) he finds it very strange to end relationship out of a hypothetical fear of something and that © he can't imagine being unfaithful to me because we have much more in common than he had with his ex, we are more intimate in our relationship and much closer to each other.

He claims he didn't have any moral barriers with his ex because they were not a family by the time he started cheating but just business partners living under one roof.

However, as I tell him, he should have then told her that he was going off to see prostitutes. He didn't. Which is cheating.

 

I do have to admit that I sound like a broken record and come back to the topic again and again.

That drives him crazy (rightfully so).

So I decided to register here instead and see how others see my situation.

 

I, honestly, don't think we should both see a counselor. I think it's purely my issue.

[LaHermes]

It might be no harm for you to first see a counsellor, and then, depending on what counsellor suggests, you both see the counsellor.

[DancingFool]

Thank you, abitbroken.

 

What do you mean by "an honest talk"?

I told him that knowing his past really bothers me. He, in turn, as I said earlier, said that (a) these two relationships are day and night, that (b) he finds it very strange to end relationship out of a hypothetical fear of something and that © he can't imagine being unfaithful to me because we have much more in common than he had with his ex, we are more intimate in our relationship and much closer to each other.

He claims he didn't have any moral barriers with his ex because they were not a family by the time he started cheating but just business partners living under one roof.

However, as I tell him, he should have then told her that he was going off to see prostitutes. He didn't. Which is cheating.

 

I do have to admit that I sound like a broken record and come back to the topic again and again.

That drives him crazy (rightfully so).

So I decided to register here instead and see how others see my situation.

 

I, honestly, don't think we should both see a counselor. I think it's purely my issue.

 

I respectfully disagree. He has an issue with communication and he is minimizing/excusing/dismissing what he has done and like it or not, it's not giving you the reassurance you are seeking that he is in fact changed. Plus you are dealing with two issues at once - cheating and prostitution. That's a lot to process for anyone and again, it doesn't sound like he is helping you to understand. At the same time, you are correct that you can't keep hounding him about it. So that's why I think you do need some couple's counseling as well. You can address your own concerns with cheating and past baggage, but you can't take on this whole thing as your problem exclusively. It's actually a shared problem. Marrying and not mentioning his values in that respect.....that's quite an omission of significant facts. This isn't just on you. This is on him too.

[Lavatera]

Yes, my biggest problem is that he doesn't admit that as wrongdoing!!!

Is that what you mean?

[DancingFool]

Yes, my biggest problem is that he doesn't admit that as wrongdoing!!!

Is that what you mean?

 

Yup that's exactly what I mean and it will keep eating at you until it's aired out and addressed. But you can't just hound him into it. So that's why I think you'd both benefit from couple's counseling and neutral party helping you both address this. Things like this, if done right can actually end up bringing you closer together rather than tearing you apart. It can make you stronger and more open with each other and better at communicating.

[Unreasonable]

Yes, my biggest problem is that he doesn't admit that as wrongdoing!!!

Is that what you mean?

 

What do you want him to do, apologize to you on behalf of his ex? You really think he would do the same thing if he could do it all over again? There's things I would have changed last week if I could.

 

My take on prostitutes is, yes, it's totally gross. Would never do it. I'm a pretty law and order guy, and I would make it VERY clear that he would not get a second chance to do that again. But it does show he only was trying to make up for lack of sex, and not looking for an emotional replacement. A straight up affair typically does both.

[Lavatera]

What do you want him to do, apologize to you on behalf of his ex? You really think he would do the same thing if he could do it all over again? There's things I would have changed last week if I could.

 

My take on prostitutes is, yes, it's totally gross. Would never do it. I'm a pretty law and order guy, and I would make it VERY clear that he would not get a second chance to do that again. But it does show he only was trying to make up for lack of sex, and not looking for an emotional replacement. A straight up affair typically does both.

I asked him whether he felt any guilt. He said no, he didn't because he was very much offended by his ex (it goes beyond just sex).

Btw, while I agree prostitution is dirty and ugly, it was legal in the country (in Europe) he used it. So no illegal stuff here.

 

And yes, I made it clear and he said he would not and he doesn't need to.

[Unreasonable]

I asked him whether he felt any guilt. He said no, he didn't because he was very much offended by his ex (it goes beyond just sex).

Well, I think there is a lot to this story we don't know about. I think the counselor, with potential for couples counselling is in order. You know what they say about 3 sides to every story.

[Lavatera]

Well, I think there is a lot to this story we don't know about. I think the counselor, with potential for couples counselling is in order. You know what they say about 3 sides to every story.

yes, you are right.

I just don't want to go to too many details because then I will sound like i am talking bad of his ex.

 

But I did witness some of her behavior (when we already dated) and he did have a rough run with her (she is an alcoholic who did many weird things like not letting him into the house, calling his mother while drunk and telling her bad things about him, etc etc). I know this because she constantly called him while drunk during the first year after their divorce (and we started dating when 6 months passed) and that's when he told me about her "habits" during the marriage.

No sex on top of that and I guess no guilt feelings on his end as a result.

But still...

 

So, you are all right, counseling is my/our answer.

[Giblesp]

If your going to judge someone on their past, which is really none of your business, then yes you should definitely split up.

[Unreasonable]

yes, you are right.

I just don't want to go to too many details because then I will sound like i am talking bad of his ex.

Um, you're on an anonymous forum, and to be honest, talking bad about your husband, about things he did in the context of a previous relationship. We don't know your husband or your ex, so you can't just talk about your husband and leave out all the stuff about his ex. That's like saying "my husband had sex with a man!" and leaving out that it was when he was wrongly convicted in prison and non-consensual. The things you have said about the ex, presumably in contrast to you, is enlightening.

[Lavatera]

Um, you're on an anonymous forum, and to be honest, talking bad about your husband, about things he did in the context of a previous relationship. We don't know your husband or your ex, so you can't just talk about your husband and leave out all the stuff about his ex. That's like saying "my husband had sex with a man!" and leaving out that it was when he was wrongly convicted in prison and non-consensual. The things you have said about the ex, presumably in contrast to you, is enlightening.

 

I guess you are right. The only difference is that I know my husband personally and know things about him first hand so to speak. But I don't know his ex personally and only know about her based on what he told me.

[Longview01]

I totally get this

 

When I was 21 I had a girlfriend around the same age and after about 6 months she suddenly confessed that with her last boyfriend she used to go out every weekend and cheat on him with different guys, my head instantly said "well if she can do that to him what stops her doing it to me" and that was the catalyst for the breakdown in our relationship.

 

On my side I had lost not only trust but alittle bit of respect for her as well, i'd come out of a 3 year relationship where I was left for another guy and that was my next experience, I tried and tried to get past it but it never worked and eventually we broke up...then she confessed to cheating on me with several people just to hurt me, so I was right to be worried.

 

So people can say "oh its in the past and you shouldn't judge" but sometimes its a huge warning sign to what is to come, i'm not saying your experience will be the same as mine tho

[catfeeder]

From him.

I asked him if he was ever unfaithful to his ex and he said yes. Then I asked for details and learned that.

 

But I am so obsessed with these thoughts now.

 

Asking him made no sense. Punishing husband for his honest answer also makes no sense. You created this situation, and since you set yourself up for it, I'd use my highest intelligence to move myself beyond it rather than poisoning my marriage.

 

I'd decide that husband's marriage fell apart, and it's really none of my business how he coped with that. I'd make a pact with husband to bring our concerns to one another rather than take them outside of the marriage, and I'd move my family forward having learned a valuable lesson about digging where I don't belong.

[reinventmyself]

Towards the end of my 16 yr marriage we stopped having sex the last couple years. He was controlling, narcissistic and abusive.

I detached out of perseverance.

 

When ever I hear someone state their partner refused them sex, my first question is why.

It's typically a barometer of the health of marriage.

For him to say being offended gave him the permission to do so makes my hackles go up.

I wish could hear her side of the story. My guess is it could be enlightening.

[SherrySher]

I asked him if he was ever unfaithful to his ex and he said yes. Then I asked for details and learned that.

 

I can't for the life of me understand why you wouldn't have asked him all of these questions BEFORE you married him and got to know him as thoroughly as possible before taking vows.

 

But you now have the knowledge that he will cheat. You can't downplay that or excuse it. Yes his wife might have been this or that and the marriage might have been this or that, but when it comes right down to it, he made very bad choices when times got tough instead of being responsible and ending the marriage or talking to his then wife, he chose to cheat and with trashy women at that.

You need to figure out if you are okay with that kind of man or not.

It doesn't necessarily mean he will do the same to you, but he does have it in him to do this, and not all people do.

 

That's basically what it comes down to. I can't see counselling doing a whole lot or you begging him to reassure you all the time or ask him to promise to not cheat. None of those things will help in my opinion.

You, in your own head, need to decide if you are willing to invest in this man completely and trust him even though you know he has the potential to cheat and does not care or feel bad to sleep with prostitutes.

Only you can make that decision and only you can live or not live a life with this man.

 

Does it 100% mean you won't be hurt or he won't do the same, or does it 100% mean if you accept all of it that he will be loyal and good to you? The unfortunate thing is, there is no guarantees. Nothing is 100%.

And again, only you can decide what risks you are willing to take now with the knowledge you have.

[Lavatera]

Thank you, Longview01, catfeeder, reinventmyself, and SherrySher, for your posts.