Is it normal for a parent to become needy at 65?

[SherrySher]

I have to comment again, seriously.

 

Do you know in some cultures they genuinely respect their elders and especially their parents and they literally live with them and take care of them out of respect and gratitude?

They actually feel that since their parents took care of them and were there for them, that they feel it's only right to do the same back now that they are older.

Those people cherish their loved ones and are good to them.

 

Look what has happened to our society. People like you now look down on their own mother and what was her crime? Reprimanding you on facebook for cursing (big deal, moms will always be moms and I've seen this on a few of my own friends pages but they just smile and take it with a grain of salt.) and you unfriend your mom completely..wow.

And she is asking for company and phone calls and you are coming on a public forum complaining how it is too much. You're a selfish jerk, you know that?

Do you know how many friends I have that would love to hear their mothers voice one last time?

 

How about you get some respect, get some patience, learn to be loving in a far more gentle manner and be good to your mom. Life isn't forever and you need to start appreciating that.

I doubt any of this will resonate with you, but hopefully it will help someone out there who reads this.

[moneymkt]

I hope no one who has a child grows up to be like this.

You know, people get old, we all are going to get old. And some people feel far more vulnerable and scared as life moves forward. Health declines and a person slows down. It's more difficult to find others to connect with, a lot more harder.

 

Depending on the person too, some are not out going and always had a difficult time meeting friends.

But family is meant too be family. Supportive, accepting, and loving. And yes, I know, you've got your own life, you feel it's too much. But the reality is, it's phone calls.

 

Shes not asking you to take her anywhere, shes not asking you to move in with her and look after her, shes not hounding you for money.

Your mom is literally asking for phone calls and company. I, again realise that you are finding it too much and you cannot see things form her point of view. God willing you never end up in the same place though and feel alone and vulnerable and no one to turn to and have your child treats you in the same manner as this.

I think you might want to impart some more empathy and patience. After all, this is your mother and she does deserve your respect and kindness.

 

And it would be good if you stopped referring to her partner as "her half dead partner". Completely disrespectful and trust me, the day will come for all of us when our health fails us and no one ever needs to be referred to in this way.

 

He is just a person who doesn't talk much which is why I called him that. It has nothing to do with his age

[moneymkt]

I have to comment again, seriously.

 

Do you know in some cultures they genuinely respect their elders and especially their parents and they literally live with them and take care of them out of respect and gratitude?

They actually feel that since their parents took care of them and were there for them, that they feel it's only right to do the same back now that they are older.

Those people cherish their loved ones and are good to them.

 

Look what has happened to our society. People like you now look down on their own mother and what was her crime? Reprimanding you on facebook for cursing (big deal, moms will always be moms and I've seen this on a few of my own friends pages but they just smile and take it with a grain of salt.) and you unfriend your mom completely..wow.

And she is asking for company and phone calls and you are coming on a public forum complaining how it is too much. You're a selfish jerk, you know that?

Do you know how many friends I have that would love to hear their mothers voice one last time?

 

How about you get some respect, get some patience, learn to be loving in a far more gentle manner and be good to your mom. Life isn't forever and you need to start appreciating that.

I doubt any of this will resonate with you, but hopefully it will help someone out there who reads this.

 

 

I know all that but she isn't at that point yet. And yes I had to delete her from Facebook because I got sick of her telling me not to curse on my timeline. I was like..."I'm a grown man and can put whatever I want on my page. I would only curse after a football game because it can get emotional sometime.

 

Plus I didn't need family involved in every aspect of my life which goes for my mom, cousin or aunt. I think some parts of your life should be private.

[catfeeder]

I understand your concern. The problem is, the more she perceives you as withholding, the more needy she'll likely get. I'd speak more often and set limits up front on the length of time I can stay on the phone.

 

For example, if she texts for a call that night, I'd say, "Sure, I'd love to catch up with you. I'll ring you at 6:30, but I'll need to get off the phone by 7 so I can eat." Calling her during the week while you're doing things like unpacking groceries or making dinner allows you to put her on speaker and get stuff done.

 

Before you hang up, I'd tell her how nice it was to speak with her, and "Let's do this again, soon." If she wants to nail down a time, I'd go with it. It will help her to feel better about ending the call and less inclined to bug you by text between calls.

 

I'd practice breaking into her filibusters about 5 or 10 minutes before I've told her that I'll need to hang up by asking, "Hey, Mom? Would you like to hear what I did on Thursday?" or, "Can I tell you what happened yesterday?" This can help you to cut the call at your specified time because you've diverted her away from the bone she's gnawing. She'll be easier to get off the phone when you've broken her tangent--it's also a good method to change the subject when you're fatigued by the one she's on for too long.

 

I'd also answer texts as quickly as possible but vary the time. For instance, if she texts you at work, sometimes answer right away, and other times answer in an hour or two. This will teach her that your job isn't always interruptible, but you're not ignoring her.

 

How far away does Mom live, and how often do you see her?

[moneymkt]

I understand your concern. The problem is, the more she perceives you as withholding, the more needy she'll likely get. I'd speak more often and set limits up front on the length of time I can stay on the phone.

 

For example, if she texts for a call that night, I'd say, "Sure, I'd love to catch up with you. I'll ring you at 6:30, but I'll need to get off the phone by 7 so I can eat." Calling her during the week while you're doing things like unpacking groceries or making dinner allows you to put her on speaker and get stuff done.

 

Before you hang up, I'd tell her how nice it was to speak with her, and "Let's do this again, soon." If she wants to nail down a time, I'd go with it. It will help her to feel better about ending the call and less inclined to bug you by text between calls.

 

I'd practice breaking into her filibusters about 5 or 10 minutes before I've told her that I'll need to hang up by asking, "Hey, Mom? Would you like to hear what I did on Thursday?" or, "Can I tell you what happened yesterday?" This can help you to cut the call at your specified time because you've diverted her away from the bone she's gnawing. She'll be easier to get off the phone when you've broken her tangent--it's also a good method to change the subject when you're fatigued by the one she's on for too long.

 

I'd also answer texts as quickly as possible but vary the time. For instance, if she texts you at work, sometimes answer right away, and other times answer in an hour or two. This will teach her that your job isn't always interruptible, but you're not ignoring her.

 

How far away does Mom live, and how often do you see her?

 

She lives 20 mins away and if I was to visit it would be on a Saturday . Last time I seen her was July 4th

[catfeeder]

She lives 20 mins away and if I was to visit it would be on a Saturday . Last time I seen her was July 4th

 

I'm 20 minutes away from mine, too. I save up my errands for Mom day, usually a Saturday or Sunday about twice a month. I take her out instead of spending idle time at her house. I pick her up and we run either her agenda, mine or both for stopping in stores--anything from hardware, grocery, department or specialty shops. We take turns treating for lunch in between. Then I take her home and we enjoy a glass of wine and maybe dinner prepped by her husband or something we've picked up to share with him. Sometimes we'll spend most of any given day on gardening or outdoor cleanup.

 

I've become more rather than less involved in Mom's life as she gets older. It's not just about avoiding guilt should she fall ill, but rather, I value her more as my future time with her grows shorter and shorter. She's slower and more rambly, but I'll never get any lost time with her back again, and I don't want to regret not spending every reasonable moment with her that I'm lucky to have today.

 

I can appreciate that not everyone feels the same about their parents, and I don't hold up my preferences as a 'should' model. However, I've found that combining my errands with her company satisfies both without a need to drive myself nuts sitting idle. It gets her out in a way that she cannot relax with her husband who rushes, even while it accomplishes something productive for both of us.

 

Or, sometimes we'll just go see a movie.

 

Head high, you can do this.

[LaHermes]

Fully agree with you Sherry:

 

"Shes not asking you to take her anywhere, shes not asking you to move in with her and look after her, shes not hounding you for money.

Your mom is literally asking for phone calls and company. I, again realise that you are finding it too much and you cannot see things form her point of view. God willing you never end up in the same place though and feel alone and vulnerable and no one to turn to and have your child treats you in the same manner as this.

I think you might want to impart some more empathy and patience."

 

Just to add that 65 is young nowadays, and just because she wants a lot of phone time does NOT mean she has dementia!!

 

And MoneyMkt.

 

So, someone who "doesn't talk much" is "half dead".

 

Not everyone is going to be a top of the range glittering conversationalist. Are you?

[moneymkt]

Fully agree with you Sherry:

 

"Shes not asking you to take her anywhere, shes not asking you to move in with her and look after her, shes not hounding you for money.

Your mom is literally asking for phone calls and company. I, again realise that you are finding it too much and you cannot see things form her point of view. God willing you never end up in the same place though and feel alone and vulnerable and no one to turn to and have your child treats you in the same manner as this.

I think you might want to impart some more empathy and patience."

 

Just to add that 65 is young nowadays, and just because she wants a lot of phone time does NOT mean she has dementia!!

 

And MoneyMkt.

 

So, someone who "doesn't talk much" is "half dead".

 

Not everyone is going to be a top of the range glittering conversationalist. Are you?

 

 

Im saying he doesn't have much of a personality which is why she is always on social media. If he had more of a personality she wouldnt even notice that i havent replied to her text message in 2 hours.

[whoami1952]

I am 65, a father of two women ages 38 and 37, and two boys living at home ages 21 and 17. And no, neither of us are like that. I sense you are a good daughter, but just a little burned out. I think you are right not to enable her. She will hurt for a little while, but you will give her a chance to rebuild herself. Help her in your own special way - you are her best friend- just don't do it for her. Only then will she appreciate you as her best friend.

[Myxoetech]

Yes very much, being 65 is not easy and that age is weak and needed extra care and love. If they are needy, that is because they cannot do the things just like before.

[moneymkt]

Yes very much, being 65 is not easy and that age is weak and needed extra care and love. If they are needy, that is because they cannot do the things just like before.

 

she is still active, retired and drives around all day in addition to spending time with her man. That's why I get confused at all the neediness

[abitbroken]

She lives 20 mins away and if I was to visit it would be on a Saturday . Last time I seen her was July 4th

 

Serious? Mom lives 20 minutes away and in another week you will not have seen her for two months? I think that this problem will subside if you actually visited your mother. Pick something you both like to do -- go to the zoo, try a new restaurant, whatever. If my parents lived that close, I'd be seeing them every week-- or if i hadn't seen them in a month, i would make an effort to do so. Plan to see your mom whether its stopping by for dinner at her house, or doing something with her at least every three weeks. It might be better to sometimes go on a weeknight so there is a set end time. She won't be around forever, you know?

 

she is healthy and gets around on her own. When I call she has no interest in what you have to say, she just want to talk for 80 mins about her sister and whoever else I don't know.

 

She text me this evening saying......"do you think I can get a call this evening?' The answer is no because I am annoyed and plan to relax the rest of the evening. It had got so bad that I had to remove my voicemail because she would leave these long 2 mins voicemails if she didn't hear from me in 3 or 4 days.

 

If you see her more, you can have better boundaries "mom, i just got home, let's talk about this on Wednesday when i see you?"

She sounds like she just needs someone to talk to!! btw, older people don't really know how to leave voicemails if they are not tech savvy or haven't been in a high level business. My great grandmother thought it was still like an answering machine where the other person could still pick up if they heard a message being left.

 

Or "hey, i am walking out the door and just have 10 minutes.."

 

The more you don't make any time for your mom, the worse its going to get.

[Hurt10]

Well, no , people don't automatically become needy at 65. Many 65-year-olds lead full and busy lives.

I am 65 and last month hiked in Colorado, next week went to Vegas. I ride my bike, lift weights and try to walk. I am single and did the dating websites, got dxxx pics from a 27 yr old man. We ain't dead yet...lol