roro25 Posted July 13, 2017 Share Posted July 13, 2017 So recently the guy I have been seeing for a year and a half got into a big fight about a lie that he told (small lie but still a lie), I stopped talking to him for a good week, he begged and apologized and every time we get into a fight he begs for me to come back and when I finally answer his phone call he goes off on me saying a lot of very rude things. Me and him frequently fight, we stop speaking atleast 2-3 times a month and he always begs me to come back. This time he said he was over me and what not. He blocks my number and deletes me on every form of social media. A week later I speak with him and he tells me he likes another girl and she just broke up with her bf (she's still with her bf according to all the FB pictures they post), he tells me he's always found me unattractive and he's never really liked me, the reason we never went out is because he doesn't find me attractive (he's invited me out plenty of times but Ive always said no). He said if he really liked me, we would have moved in together (he's asked me several times to move in and I always said no). He claims that the new girl is more his type and he wants to pursue her. He already called her his gf (I know she has a bf still and their pictures are still all over FB). He said the reason he never made me his gf (that's a lie) is because he wasn't that into me. He even made it a race issue saying I wasn't his type because I'm the darkest girl he's ever dated and I'm not his type (I'm Hispanic/black and were the same skin color) and his new girl is white. My mind is still blank as I feel like I've been lied to this whole year thinking we had something special and that we were something more but to him, it was all about sex even though we were actually BF/GF for a while. Everything he is saying is very new to me.. he's always told me that I was cute and pretty, he did invite me out every now and then but I was always too busy, he's asked me to move in and I was his gf at one point and every time I would try to leave he wouldn't let me. He would blow up my phone and show up to my house unannounced so idk.. I don't know what to think at this point and I need someone to clarify... Link to comment
journeynow Posted July 13, 2017 Share Posted July 13, 2017 The important things to focus on are 1) you frequently fought, 2) you would stop speaking 2-3 times/month, 3) he lied, 4) you two have broken up. Go No Contact. People sometimes say hurtful things after a break up, and review the past differently, and emotions are all over the place. Think: you two had major communication, trust, and respect issues. Those are detrimental to a healthy relationship. Learn from the past, and work on healing from this dysfunctional relationship, and move on. Better things ahead. Link to comment
roro25 Posted July 13, 2017 Author Share Posted July 13, 2017 The important things to focus on are 1) you frequently fought, 2) you would stop speaking 2-3 times/month, 3) he lied, 4) you two have broken up. Go No Contact. People sometimes say hurtful things after a break up, and review the past differently, and emotions are all over the place. Think: you two had major communication, trust, and respect issues. Those are detrimental to a healthy relationship. Learn from the past, and work on healing from this dysfunctional relationship, and move on. Better things ahead. Even though it was for the best and we did not need to be together, it still hurts knowing he pretty much chose another girl over me, because skin color was a big factor to him. I thought he loved me more than that, I thought he cared about me more than that so it's very hard to accept that this whole time he didn't really care about me like I thought he did Link to comment
boltnrun Posted July 13, 2017 Share Posted July 13, 2017 Duplicate post, thread posted in the Dating section. I don't get how you never went out with him but you were his girlfriend? And you sometimes were and sometimes were not? Very confusing. Link to comment
roro25 Posted July 13, 2017 Author Share Posted July 13, 2017 Duplicate post, thread posted in the Dating section. I don't get how you never went out with him but you were his girlfriend? And you sometimes were and sometimes were not? Very confusing. We were pretty much dating. At one point we were BF/GF but I broke up with him. Also we did go out so I'm guessing he meant he would have taken me out more if he was more attracted to me? I'm not too sure.. that's why I'm asking for clarification. Link to comment
mustlovedogs Posted July 13, 2017 Share Posted July 13, 2017 It's emotionally abusive to use the silent treatment to get what you want. What was the small lie? If it was legitimately small, its manipulative to breakup with someone for that too. Link to comment
roro25 Posted July 14, 2017 Author Share Posted July 14, 2017 It's emotionally abusive to use the silent treatment to get what you want. What was the small lie? If it was legitimately small, its manipulative to breakup with someone for that too. He told me he went to the movies with his sister when really he went with some girl from his job (he claims a group of people went with them) Link to comment
roro25 Posted July 14, 2017 Author Share Posted July 14, 2017 Is this the bisexual guy? Yes it is the bisexual guy Link to comment
MissCanuck Posted July 14, 2017 Share Posted July 14, 2017 This is barely a relationship, OP. It's not normal or healthy to stop talking multiple times a month. It's time to admit this isn't working and move on. Link to comment
roro25 Posted July 14, 2017 Author Share Posted July 14, 2017 This is barely a relationship, OP. It's not normal or healthy to stop talking multiple times a month. It's time to admit this isn't working and move on. I get that it wasn't working out but the thousands of times I tried to leave him, I just wish he would've let me walk away rather than beg me to be with him until the next best thing comes around. I just feel very hurt that someone you thought loved you could just throw you away. Link to comment
mustlovedogs Posted July 14, 2017 Share Posted July 14, 2017 I get that it wasn't working out but the thousands of times I tried to leave him, I just wish he would've let me walk away rather than beg me to be with him until the next best thing comes around. I just feel very hurt that someone you thought loved you could just throw you away. What? Seriously. Re read this. You lament trying to leave him "thousands" of times and then whine that YOU were thrown away???? Link to comment
roro25 Posted July 14, 2017 Author Share Posted July 14, 2017 What? Seriously. Re read this. You lament trying to leave him "thousands" of times and then whine that YOU were thrown away???? Yes. When I tried to leave him, he would whine and beg for me back so I always stayed out of guilt. If he didn't actually care about me like he now says, he should have just let me walk away, rather then waiting until he finds someone else and then letting me go, which is what he did intentionally. Link to comment
RainyCoast Posted July 14, 2017 Share Posted July 14, 2017 nobody has to "let you" walk away. it's up to you to walk away, and it's up to you to not allow yourself to be guilted and manipulated. not being in touch is a prerequisite, and reporting him to the police for harassing you at your house if he shows up is helpful. as long as you believe you are responsible for someone else's comfort, at the expense of your own, and regardless of how objectively undeserving that person is, you'll likely allow yourself to be influenced like this. Link to comment
mustlovedogs Posted July 14, 2017 Share Posted July 14, 2017 Yes. When I tried to leave him, he would whine and beg for me back so I always stayed out of guilt. If he didn't actually care about me like he now says, he should have just let me walk away, rather then waiting until he finds someone else and then letting me go, which is what he did intentionally. Well maybe you shouldn't break up with someone so much. Like I said above, that's emotionally abusive. You stayed out of guilt, he stayed till someone better came along - looks like neither of you loved each other. Link to comment
RainyCoast Posted July 14, 2017 Share Posted July 14, 2017 You lament trying to leave him "thousands" of times and then whine that YOU were thrown away???? yup. the payoff here being "not being thrown away" as long as you allow him to guilt-trip you. you stay because it's more important to you than the alternative. if you need to not experience guilt, and don't come up with healthy ways to dispute that you are guilt-deserving for leaving someone like that, then you need him to manipulate you into staying, more than you need to be left alone. OP, this is self-inflicted, and solvable only through your own choices. Link to comment
roro25 Posted July 15, 2017 Author Share Posted July 15, 2017 I get that the relationship was over but I guess I'm still confused as to how you can say you love someone one week and then next week you block me from everything, don't want to talk me anymore and started seeing a new girl. he even told someone that he is completely over me. Is the girl really that great that you could just completely stop loving me in one week? Or maybe he never even cared?? I want to know what happened and maybe if I'm the cause so I can work on it for future reference. I asked him the same thing and he told me that next time I need to find someone that shows me off like a trophy (he didn't hide me, we had our relationship status on FB, I knew his friends and all of his family so idk) Link to comment
journeynow Posted July 15, 2017 Share Posted July 15, 2017 Words are cheap. People can say anything, and you can't really know if their words mean what you think they mean, so pay attention to actions, how they treat you, how they treat others, etc. Consider all their behaviors, good and bad, to get the full picture. Link to comment
roro25 Posted July 15, 2017 Author Share Posted July 15, 2017 Words are cheap. People can say anything, and you can't really know if their words mean what you think they mean, so pay attention to actions, how they treat you, how they treat others, etc. Consider all their behaviors, good and bad, to get the full picture. From his actions he did care about me but he was just never the type to change so he didn't do the things he needed to do with out me asking most of the times. He said it was because he was used to being alone and selfish since it was a long time since he's had a GF. After all this time, I just can't get over how fast he got over me and he was quick to say he just didn't care about me at all and he really likes the new girl. My heart is breaking just thinking about what if he changes for her, what if all the things he didn't do for me he's doing for her? what if he moves in with her, what if they get married? I guess the words I love you doesn't mean anything anymore.. Link to comment
RainyCoast Posted July 15, 2017 Share Posted July 15, 2017 you can say you love someone one week and then next week you block me from everything, don't want to talk me anymore and started seeing a new girl. he even told someone that he is completely over me. Is the girl really that great that you could just completely stop loving me in one week? see there you go again with the belief that being discarded is proof of your unworthiness- what if he dumped me for her because she's better than me, what if i was treated badly because i'm unworthy and she will be worth changing for to him. you need to deconstruct this belief that you deserve abandonment, and that being abandoned proves you're not good, and that you therefore need to do whatever it takes to prevent abandonment even if it means allowing yourself to be guilt tripped and enduring bad treatment. the reason he is acting like this is he is a jerk. Link to comment
roro25 Posted July 15, 2017 Author Share Posted July 15, 2017 see there you go again with the belief that being discarded is proof of your unworthiness- what if he dumped me for her because she's better than me, what if i was treated badly because i'm unworthy and she will be worth changing for to him. you need to deconstruct this belief that you deserve abandonment, and that being abandoned proves you're not good, and that you therefore need to do whatever it takes to prevent abandonment even if it means allowing yourself to be guilt tripped and enduring bad treatment. the reason he is acting like this is he is a jerk. I just wish I was strong enough to put my foot down when I had the chance to. Is it bad that I'm hoping he comes back so I can kick his ass to the curb one and for all? Link to comment
magpul Posted July 17, 2017 Share Posted July 17, 2017 I just wish I was strong enough to put my foot down when I had the chance to. Is it bad that I'm hoping he comes back so I can kick his ass to the curb one and for all? You need to review this again: I get that it wasn't working out but the thousands of times I tried to leave him, I just wish he would've let me walk away rather than beg me to be with him until the next best thing comes around. I just feel very hurt that someone you thought loved you could just throw you away. What? Seriously. Re read this. You lament trying to leave him "thousands" of times and then whine that YOU were thrown away???? This relationship was toxic. You tried to leave him "thousands of times", he begged for you to take him back, yet the same scenario was replayed again and again. He has found someone who does not play games like you have from what it sounds like. Learn from your mistakes and move on. Leave him alone. Link to comment
roro25 Posted July 17, 2017 Author Share Posted July 17, 2017 You need to review this again: This relationship was toxic. You tried to leave him "thousands of times", he begged for you to take him back, yet the same scenario was replayed again and again. He has found someone who does not play games like you have from what it sounds like. Learn from your mistakes and move on. Leave him alone. Um excuse me, I know I'm not the toxic one you're referring to. He found someone weak enough to not stand up for herself and believe in his lies. Every time I tried to walk away it'd be for a good reason. I just wasn't strong enough and I just cared so much about him I took him back each time even though I know he didn't deserve me! Link to comment
magpul Posted July 17, 2017 Share Posted July 17, 2017 Um excuse me, I know I'm not the toxic one you're referring to. He found someone weak enough to not stand up for herself and believe in his lies. Every time I tried to walk away it'd be for a good reason. I just wasn't strong enough and I just cared so much about him I took him back each time even though I know he didn't deserve me! I did not say you were toxic. I said the relationship was toxic. Let it go. Link to comment
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