F0ucault Posted June 15, 2017 Share Posted June 15, 2017 Hi there. I have been supporting a male platonic friend whose wife claimed she has wanted a divorce/separation for at least three months. There are several children, and she initially wanted to leave them all with her husband. Her husband (my friend) was in crisis and reached out for support a few weeks ago. I tried my best to support him (platonically) and was relieved that he seemed to be more stable and independent, ready to take on being a single dad. We have had absolutely no prior sexual/etc relationships, and he was truly my work colleague/friend. Fast forward a few days, his wife noticed this change in him. He had become more independent, and had asked her to formulate a plan for how to divide the assets/etc for the separation she had been pushing for. She asked if there were anyone else, and he said he had talked to me. She then immediately proclaimed that she was still in love with him (for the first time in years) and that she didn't want the divorce/separation she had fought for for six months, dragging him back into committing to the relationship. As a result, he has been instructed to not speak to his female friends by his wife. I obliged but feel pretty sad about the entire situation. I feel like I lost a friend, a colleague (work related) and am generally quite disheartened to have supported my friend to this point only to have his wife turn his life upside down (again). Any advice you have would be greatly appreciated. I'm finding this very hard to process and am very concerned about my friend. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Keyman Posted June 15, 2017 Share Posted June 15, 2017 Have you spoken to him about it? How does he feel about being dragged about by a wife that obviously doesn't want to be with him, but then doesn't want him seeing anyone else either? No doubt this will all blow up again and he will need you again. Just let him know you are still there and will be should he need you. Then you just wait. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clio Posted June 15, 2017 Share Posted June 15, 2017 You need to emotionally detach from the whole situation. It sounds like, somehow, you assumed a "parental" role that you need to let go of. Your male friend is an ADULT. He is CHOOSING to go back to that relationship. He is not a child. He has a will of his own. If he is so immature as to let other people push him around, then he is not fit to partake in equal relationships be it romantic or friendships. You need to take a step back and see your friend for who he really is instead of blaming his wife. At this point, he is not in a good place to partake in healthy friendships. You need to accept this for what it is, forgive the situation and let go. At this point, you did the best you could. Time to step back, respect HIS choice and focus on your own life / other friendships. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RainyCoast Posted June 15, 2017 Share Posted June 15, 2017 am generally quite disheartened to have supported my friend to this point only to have his wife turn his life upside down (again). one must be very invested in the end result (him separating her), to feel disheartened when it turns out differently. it would be wise to ask yourself why him separating her with your help is so important to you. she has not turned his life upside down. she didn't drag him back to her with a gun to his head. she wanted him back and his female friends out of their business, and he was glad she wanted him back, and willing to ditch female friends to get a second go at the relationship. he chose to go back and work on the marriage. that is what adults do- make their own decisions. they can, and should exercise freedom of choice in the decisions they make, especially when they are about major parts of their life. it is not up to you to protect him from his own "bad" decisions (or decide that they are wrong in the first place), or the wife you have labeled as "bad" so that you can tell yourself he didn't in fact choose her over you, but was forced to. yes, it quite often backfires when you seize the opportunity of an instability in a tandem to infiltrate yourself as the mediating/counseling factor to drag them away from their partner. support is non-directive. it never takes the freedom of a grown individual to make his own choices from them. support is standing in the periphery saying you can come to me anytime with anything. support is not infiltrating yourself into the situation and orchestrating it, and working towards an outcome that would please you, steering the course of the situation away from the outcome you personally dislike. it is not done with hopes of any kind of gain, including moral or emotional gains resulting from the decision the other ends up making. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jdb740 Posted June 15, 2017 Share Posted June 15, 2017 Yeah, that's disappointing to 'loose' a friend (even a platonic one - it's happened to me). It sounds like as soon as his "wife" entertained the thought of him being interested in someone else, she grew jealous. And maybe that's what she needed, some friendly competition. I know it sounds kind of shady when one person doesn't realize what they have until it might actually be taken away, but sometimes that's what it ends up taking. Still, I wonder where they will be in 6 months. Will she still be feeling like this or will she be right back to wanting her divorce? Hopefully it all goes well for them, but it could certainly turn into a vicious cycle of sorts. I'd advise continuing to "support" him by following his wishes not speaking with him, but don't be too surprised if this isn't the end of it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unreasonable Posted June 15, 2017 Share Posted June 15, 2017 It didn't backfire on him, it backfired on you. If his wife wants to work on the marriage, and he wants to work on the marriage, that's their business and hopefully it works out. By classifying this as a "backfiring", I question this friendship's platonic nature. I've been there when in the middle of a crisis, my wife started "consulting" with a male "platonic" friend. He gave her some TERRIBLE advice from my perspective and it just about torpedoed our marriage. I mean, it came this close to being done (imagin me squeezing my forefingers together). I really don't think using someone from the opposite sex as a shoulder to cry on when your marriage is in trouble is appropriate. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Careerchoice Posted June 15, 2017 Share Posted June 15, 2017 This is temporary. They will split up again. I sense that you have more than a platonic interest in him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Doc Blaze Posted June 15, 2017 Share Posted June 15, 2017 From personal experience, stay out of stuff like this, until its over. He got his wife back(for now), she got you away from him and you got nothing but a headache. are you sure he didn't use you to get her jealous. that's kinda how it sounds to me. the fact that he took her back so fast. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reinventmyself Posted June 15, 2017 Share Posted June 15, 2017 Your friendship is based on you being his therapist and holding his hand while he goes through a rough time. It sounds very one sided and I don't know you, but often times peoples help can be self serving. You might question your own motives here if you think him returning to his family as a bad thing. As a true friend I would hope for the best possible outcome and if it reunites him successfully with his family then I'd be happy for him and bow out respectfully. I may be a little biased here. While my marriage was falling apart my ex met a women he confided in. He protested that she was just a friend. He even proclaimed this to our marriage counselor.(who laughed and scoffed at him) Surprise!. . He moved in with her the moment we separated. If a distraught man with small children showed up on my doorstep and needed someone to talk to, I'd send his a** home! I wouldn't see him as an opportunity. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
F0ucault Posted June 15, 2017 Author Share Posted June 15, 2017 one must be very invested in the end result (him separating her), to feel disheartened when it turns out differently. it would be wise to ask yourself why him separating her with your help is so important to you. she has not turned his life upside down. she didn't drag him back to her with a gun to his head. she wanted him back and his female friends out of their business, and he was glad she wanted him back, and willing to ditch female friends to get a second go at the relationship. he chose to go back and work on the marriage. that is what adults do- make their own decisions. they can, and should exercise freedom of choice in the decisions they make, especially when they are about major parts of their life. it is not up to you to protect him from his own "bad" decisions (or decide that they are wrong in the first place), or the wife you have labeled as "bad" so that you can tell yourself he didn't in fact choose her over you, but was forced to. yes, it quite often backfires when you seize the opportunity of an instability in a tandem to infiltrate yourself as the mediating/counseling factor to drag them away from their partner. support is non-directive. it never takes the freedom of a grown individual to make his own choices from them. support is standing in the periphery saying you can come to me anytime with anything. support is not infiltrating yourself into the situation and orchestrating it, and working towards an outcome that would please you, steering the course of the situation away from the outcome you personally dislike. it is not done with hopes of any kind of gain, including moral or emotional gains resulting from the decision the other ends up making. It's not so much that I *want* them to break up, I don't. What he has told me though is that she treated him very poorly (mild physical abuse) and isolated him from his friends/family. This is where the disappointed comes in because the relationship itself feels very unhealthy. But you're entirely right, it is his decision, and I didn't want to be exposed to this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
F0ucault Posted June 15, 2017 Author Share Posted June 15, 2017 Really good points! I see exactly what you mean, and I have moved now to completely stop speaking to him! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abitbroken Posted June 15, 2017 Share Posted June 15, 2017 Really good points! I see exactly what you mean, and I have moved now to completely stop speaking to him! Good for you. If you are a true friend and not someone with designs on him you should be THRILLED that the marriage is being patched up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ParisPaulette Posted June 15, 2017 Share Posted June 15, 2017 But it didn't backfire at all. You helped him get his wife back and save his marriage. He's a good friend, why wouldn't you be happy about that. If I had something like that happen I'd have been like, "Go Tiger, now get some counseling together and make it stick." I only see this as a problem for you if you had other intentions like vulturing his relationship to get him for yourself, which is then not a platonic friendship. Plus with friends once a situation is resolved it's normal to let go and not have them now needing to cling to you. Seriously, this is not a bad thing at all. I wish more of my friends would do what he did and a) take my advice well enough to resolve it then b) go and fix the issue without now having to hold my damned hand the whole way. You did a good thing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Careerchoice Posted June 15, 2017 Share Posted June 15, 2017 Good for you. If you are a true friend and not someone with designs on him you should be THRILLED that the marriage is being patched up. This is not the case. This thread would not exist unless she wanted him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
F0ucault Posted June 15, 2017 Author Share Posted June 15, 2017 This is not the case. This thread would not exist unless she wanted him. No, actually my concern for him was because she had been treating him really poorly and had wanted to completely obfuscate her parenting obligations. She has also been somewhat physical/mentally abusive, and had isolated him from his family/friends, basically saying "me or them". I don't like to see my friends suffer in relationships such as this for "relationships sake" hence the disappointment. I hope that is clear. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
F0ucault Posted June 15, 2017 Author Share Posted June 15, 2017 Good for you. If you are a true friend and not someone with designs on him you should be THRILLED that the marriage is being patched up. I'm happy he is going to counseling and is seeing it through. Where the "backfired" nature comes into this is that I feel like his relationship with his wife's behavior has been really destructive to him and the kids.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
F0ucault Posted June 15, 2017 Author Share Posted June 15, 2017 I completely agree. Thank you for this perspective. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RainyCoast Posted June 15, 2017 Share Posted June 15, 2017 codepends have secondary gains from relationships which look displeasing on the surface hence returning to the dynamic is a choice that suits them better than the alternative. and thus they are not just a Savior away from happiness. in any event, his choices to make, and for him to decide how he wishes to live. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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