Ex contacts me after 1 month NC...do I reply?

[Guitarguy_82]

Well...she reached out exactly one month after dumping me. Gotta say I wasn't quite ready for it. She didn't say anything amazing or world-changing. Just that she was sorry for how she handled it, and hopes I'm doing well. Typical breadcrumbs, right?

 

I'd been going back and forth debating whether or not to reach out to her before this. Obviously with only one month elapsed she's all I've been thinking about (we were together for 3 years, off and on the last year). I've had a lot of time to reflect on my mistakes, and where there may have been room to reconcile. I don't know if reconciliation is the ideal situation right now but I guess I'm happy that she wanted to reach out and at least extend the hand of peace in this context.

 

I wonder how things are going for her? She dumped me (in addition to a slew of messy reasons that you can find in my previous threads) because she was "drowning" and just needed to "be alone" which I gracefully allowed her to do by bowing out of her life for the last month. We both left the door open for communication and I guess today is that day...for her anyway. I'm sure she's at work, maybe feeling down or a bit nostalgic, and wants to hear back from me. Maybe she needs a pick-me-up. Or could this be something else?

 

The last month I've been busy with family events, being really sick (including an ER visit), and haven't had much opportunity to really get out there, date (not that I was ready for it anyway), and take stock of what I wanted my next moves to be post-breakup.

 

I'm happy to hear from her but I don't know what I should do about this. Should I reply? If so, what level of interest should I show? Should I just be "friendly"? I don't think cold hard NC is the right move here. Ignoring her might give her the wrong signal since we both said that future communication would be allowable (we never said that we would never want to talk to each other again) but I just don't want to fall into the same traps that we are prone to falling into (she tried to reconcile with me a few months ago, we gave it a try, and I wasn't moving fast enough for her...while in the meantime she had some poly couple swooping into the picture to give her the "I'm having my cake and eating it too" life she was, I guess, more interested in).

 

I love this girl. I know that if I was maybe happier with my own predicament that she would be the person I would want by my side. I also am trying to be cognizant of what I need. Ever since she broke things off I had been trying to put myself in a mindspace of focusing on career, health, and then maybe eventually I would be ready to date and see whats out there. You would think that being in my mid 30's I'd have a little more reason to hurry this stuff up and get out there and get this "life" thing going...but it's been difficult.

 

When she broke up with me I told her that I'm not a yo-yo and that I'm not someone to just place on the back burner at her convenience when things with her poly "friends" aren't going so hot. She acknowledged that, so I'm hoping this isn't just some big ego trip. I just don't know what context I can keep her in my life right now and also make myself "happy". I'm not ready to just be friends and be OK with everything. 3 years is a long time and I still have deep feelings for her.

[reinventmyself]

This could go a couple different ways. If the email was rhetorical you might consider not responding.

Especially in light of the fact that she ended the relationship and you have been practicing NC.

 

Often times apologies aren't really intended for us though they may seem to think so. It's often more about relieving their own discomfort.

 

If she is interested in something more than you will hear from her again.

If she backs off because you didn't respond than she's not invested enough in the first place to make things right again.

It would take more than a text to undo things and though you think a `friendly' text might be in order. . wouldn't that suggest you are willing to be friends?

 

On the other hand a short - 'Thank you, take care" would suffice. It acknowledges her text and you wish her well in return.

[Ziggy123]

Yeah don't read too much into it. I would just say thanks and hope you're doing well too. If she's really interested in talking she will continue to message you but that doesn't mean she wants to get back together.

[WombatShadow]

I've skimmed through some of your other posts. Are you okay being with her knowing that she wants a non-monogamous relationship? Is monogamy a must-have for you?

 

If you're okay with it, by all means start up chatting with her again. See if there's anything left to save, and then have a very serious conversation about reconciling, the speed you want to go at, etc.

 

If you're not okay with it, then just keep up NC.

[Guitarguy_82]

Yeah, I need to slow it down a bit. Can't read too much into a text. I think I will mull over a short yet thoughtful reply somewhere here in the next few hours. I'd like to think I'm mature enough to be civil with her and let her know she's on my mind as well, without going overboard and becoming the desperate dumpee ex that's on pins and needles waiting to hear from her. That may have been me in my 20s, but not today.

 

Anyway, as for the non-monogamy part...that's been on my mind as well. Ideally, I prefer monogamy....but in general, I'm OK with the concept of non-monogamy, assuming me and my partner both want it, and assuming I am already in a trusting, loving, solid relationship where the boundaries and expectations have already been clearly established. And even then I would still be hesitant and it would have to be a very very special situation. This was not the case with my ex. The way she approached it was, to me, rather immature. We were already in the middle of a tough reconciliation, after a previous messy breakup last August, and then bam, here comes poly couple into the mix. Not exactly ideal. We had no base to build upon. What hurt was that she seemed more interested in tending to their emotional (not even to mention physical needs) needs and whims during this delicate process. To me it seemed very counter productive to entertain another couple while also trying to patch things up with me. During the breakup last month I expressed all of this to her and I think she knows where I'm coming from. Maybe that led into why she wanted to apologize today.

[Tomthumb88]

I can't speak to the poly thing... that on you but as far as her texting, if you want her back I'd suggest asking if she'd like to try to reconnect and invite her to coffee or something. I'm not of the frame of mind that very many women are going to lead with "I love you and want to get back together" rather they will test the water.

[SooSad33]

I am going to go honest with you re: a few things you mentioned.....

 

Well...she reached out exactly one month after dumping me. Gotta say I wasn't quite ready for it. She didn't say anything amazing or world-changing. Just that she was sorry for how she handled it, and hopes I'm doing well. Typical breadcrumbs, right?

- Yes, that they do, sometimes. ( Fine, she's sorry... but what's done is done).

SHE dumped you... and it has only been 4 weeks. All VERY fresh between the 2 of you.

Do NOT rush anything with this.

 

I'd been going back and forth debating whether or not to reach out to her before this. Obviously with only one month elapsed she's all I've been thinking about (we were together for 3 years, off and on the last year). I've had a lot of time to reflect on my mistakes, and where there may have been room to reconcile. I don't know if reconciliation is the ideal situation right now but I guess I'm happy that she wanted to reach out and at least extend the hand of peace in this context.

- Going back n forth with these thoughts & emotions is all normal. Doesn't mean YOU have to 'REact' to her breadcrumbs.

- Your mistakes... and hers. There are obvious reasons on WHY this relationship ended. ( as you mentioned, it's been rocky for a while).

 

I wonder how things are going for her? She dumped me (in addition to a slew of messy reasons that you can find in my previous threads) because she was "drowning" and just needed to "be alone" which I gracefully allowed her to do by bowing out of her life for the last month. We both left the door open for communication and I guess today is that day...for her anyway. I'm sure she's at work, maybe feeling down or a bit nostalgic, and wants to hear back from me. Maybe she needs a pick-me-up. Or could this be something else?

- Okay, so she NEEDED to 'be alone'. Then give her that! ( Love is not a game.. fps).

- You both left the door open.. for communication? ( Are you ready? ).

- Could it be something else? Sure.. as you mentioned.. bread crumbs?

 

The last month I've been busy with family events, being really sick (including an ER visit), and haven't had much opportunity to really get out there, date (not that I was ready for it anyway), and take stock of what I wanted my next moves to be post-breakup.

- Gawd.. please do NOT even think again on Dating! You know very well you are far from READY for all that, again.

- Next moves to be post BU? Work on accepting what is. The facts.. The reality. And to work on YOU... letting go.. healing, etc.

 

I'm happy to hear from her but I don't know what I should do about this. Should I reply? If so, what level of interest should I show? Should I just be "friendly"? I don't think cold hard NC is the right move here. Ignoring her might give her the wrong signal since we both said that future communication would be allowable (we never said that we would never want to talk to each other again) but I just don't want to fall into the same traps that we are prone to falling into (she tried to reconcile with me a few months ago, we gave it a try, and I wasn't moving fast enough for her...while in the meantime she had some poly couple swooping into the picture to give her the "I'm having my cake and eating it too" life she was, I guess, more interested in).

- IMO.. No, no need to keep 'giving in' to her. If she wants 'her time'. If that is what she wants.. then you need to give her that.

No need to feel you need to give in because SHE decides to contact you.

Ignoring her? You have choices too... it's not like she's gonna forget about you in a week. If you feel you cannot deal with this, then don't.

If anything.. maybe some Low Contact. And be brief. Not all friendly & inviting.

So often it is mentioned that we back off- totally and NOT be their 'friend' because we can't. We can't work on accepting & healing at all.. if we're their 'friend'.

 

I love this girl. I know that if I was maybe happier with my own predicament that she would be the person I would want by my side. I also am trying to be cognizant of what I need. Ever since she broke things off I had been trying to put myself in a mindspace of focusing on career, health, and then maybe eventually I would be ready to date and see whats out there. You would think that being in my mid 30's I'd have a little more reason to hurry this stuff up and get out there and get this "life" thing going...but it's been difficult.

-No reason to feel rushed with this stuff. Especially if it goes sour on you

Always take down time to work on YOU. As you sound like you plan to.

Things happen... and someday it might go much better for you. I've got 2 ex's. Never knew it'd end up this way.... but...

 

When she broke up with me I told her that I'm not a yo-yo and that I'm not someone to just place on the back burner at her convenience when things with her poly "friends" aren't going so hot. She acknowledged that, so I'm hoping this isn't just some big ego trip. I just don't know what context I can keep her in my life right now and also make myself "happy". I'm not ready to just be friends and be OK with everything. 3 years is a long time and I still have deep feelings for her.

- I agree. Is to far from easy to be a 'friend'.. with an ex. You just can't. You're hurting.. & damaged from the experience right now.

You will have feelings for her.. for a while.

 

Sadly, though, doesn't mean it'll work out... again.

 

Often after a BU.. then a second time.. things just aren't the same.

Did anything ever get dealt with.. or corrected for reason's of your last BU? maybe not.. Then, that's still sitting on you as well.

many reason's for it not working out, after trying, again.

 

maybe it's time for YOU to work on seeing why this keeps ending with her?

Reality bites, I know!

 

So.... take time now, for you.

Don't keep bowing down to her. She's the one who ended this, again.

 

maybe, in time, you'll come to realize it's just not going to happen. That you two are not so compatible after all.

Yes.. it all sucks.

 

 

One day at a time.. tc