I think I screwed up badly, or did I?

[greta96]

Greta, I have a friend at work that im infatuated with. It consumes me. He has a girlfriend hes in an open relationship with. He has expressed a possible interest in becoming physical with me but he has also expressed that he doesnt have any romatic feelings for me. It hurts me every time i know hes with the other woman and I know he will not stop seeing her.

I gave my phone number to someone else and now im worried that if he finds out, he will end our friendship.

 

What should i do?

 

I know, it really sounds like a no brainer when you read it from the outside... I guess being directly involved, i can't seem to see the whole picture.

[greta96]

I just feel so overwhelmingly guilty about everything! Maybe I should end this anyway, but with the way things are right now I am the bad guy! I am the one who exchanged numbers with someone from his work place, it doesn't matter how it happened, these are the facts and now I have to live with them. I was probably too friendly with the guy, because I was hurt and his interest felt good in the moment. All I could think of was them having sex, when me and him could have had a nice, fun night. This, combined with my inability to say 'no' when put on the spot, was a recipe for disaster and I don't know how to live it down. Things may have ended anyway eventually but now I feel like I contributed to the end in the nastiest way possible! I wish I could redo yesterday...

[Hollyj]

I just feel so overwhelmingly guilty about everything! Maybe I should end this anyway, but with the way things are right now I am the bad guy! I am the one who exchanged numbers with someone from his work place, it doesn't matter how it happened, these are the facts and now I have to live with them. I was probably too friendly with the guy, because I was hurt and his interest felt good in the moment. All I could think of was them having sex, when me and him could have had a nice, fun night. This, combined with my inability to say 'no' when put on the spot, was a recipe for disaster and I don't know how to live it down. Things may have ended anyway eventually but now I feel like I contributed to the end in the nastiest way possible! I wish I could redo yesterday...

 

Greta, what are you not getting! You are not dating this guy. At best, you would become his sex buddy. I don't understand why there is guilt? He would not care!

 

You seem to be coming from a place, as if you were in a relationship. Remember, he is with someone else this weekend. You are making this into something that it is not.

[greta96]

Greta, what are you not getting! You are not dating this guy. At best, you would become his sex buddy. I don't understand why there is guilt? He would not care!

 

You seem to be coming from a place, as if you were in a relationship. Remember, he is with someone else this weekend. You are making this into something that it is not.

 

I'm really not sure where the guilt is coming from. I guess I know him well enough to know he would feel disrespected if I was dating or sleeping with one of his coworkers...but I'm not and don't intend to. Yet, I feel guilty because now the guy has my number.

[Generica]

I just feel so overwhelmingly guilty about everything! Maybe I should end this anyway, but with the way things are right now I am the bad guy! I am the one who exchanged numbers with someone from his work place, it doesn't matter how it happened, these are the facts and now I have to live with them. I was probably too friendly with the guy, because I was hurt and his interest felt good in the moment. All I could think of was them having sex, when me and him could have had a nice, fun night. This, combined with my inability to say 'no' when put on the spot, was a recipe for disaster and I don't know how to live it down. Things may have ended anyway eventually but now I feel like I contributed to the end in the nastiest way possible! I wish I could redo yesterday...

Giving some.dude you phone number is not the issue Your all consuming infatuation with someone who does not reciprocate those feelings is the issue. Forget about the phone number exchange. It is a non-issue. You cant see that because you cant see straight but trust me, its not the problem.

 

When you make the issue about giving someone your phone number, you are saying that your crush is more important that you are and you really have no intention of stepping away from your self-harming obsession.

 

If you really do love this man, WHY do you love him?

[Generica]

I know, it really sounds like a no brainer when you read it from the outside... I guess being directly involved, i can't seem to see the whole picture.

I know. I can understand and we have all been there.

 

Youre can allow yourself to have these feelings but you cant let them rule and guide you. You KNOW what the right thing to do is, you just have to allow your *HEAD* to guide you instead of your heart.

 

When the head and the heart are aligned, then you know you can go for it.

[greta96]

Giving some.dude you phone number is not the issue Your all consuming infatuation with someone who does not reciprocate those feelings is the issue. Forget about the phone number exchange. It is a non-issue. You cant see that because you cant see straight but trust me, its not the problem.

 

When you make the issue about giving someone your phone number, you are saying that your crush is more important that you are and you really have no intention of stepping away from your self-harming obsession.

 

If you really do love this man, WHY do you love him?

 

Hmm...because he is very intelligent...can carry a conversation..he's funny, we have lots in common...the list goes on. And we have a great deal of chemistry.

I totally can't see the phone number not being an issue, but I really hope you're right. I don't trust my judgement right about now.

[Hollyj]

I'm really not sure where the guilt is coming from. I guess I know him well enough to know he would feel disrespected if I was dating or sleeping with one of his coworkers...but I'm not and don't intend to. Yet, I feel guilty because now the guy has my number.

 

He is sleeping with someone else!!!!!!!!! You are only friends.

 

If he wanted to be with you, he wouldn't be with this other woman.

 

Do you think he is feeling guilty, as he is off with her this weekend?

[greta96]

He is sleeping with someone else!!!!!!!!! You are only friends.

 

This is what I need to drill in my head. We are only friends. I need to scale down my feelings and see him as such. And keep things strictly platonic. That is, if he's still around...

[greta96]

 

Do you think he is feeling guilty, as he is off with her this weekend?

 

This did cross my mind earlier...he probably knows that I know he's with her, and yet he doesn't feel guilty about that... but I'm sure he justifies it by telling himself 'well she knows about the other woman so no biggie'

[Hollyj]

This is what I need to drill in my head. We are only friends. I need to scale down my feelings and see him as such. And keep things strictly platonic. That is, if he's still around...

 

if he only considers you a friend, he does not care. UGH!!!!!!!!!! ](*,) I cannot understand why you are not getting this!

 

You cannot be friends. Be done with this!

[Hollyj]

This did cross my mind earlier...he probably knows that I know he's with her, and yet he doesn't feel guilty about that... but I'm sure he justifies it by telling himself 'well she knows about the other woman so no biggie'

 

No. He considers you a friend, and has no feelings in a romantic way.

[Hollyj]

I think that you blame yourself, so then you do not have to accept the fact that he does not feel the same.

 

The fact that you are willing to sacrifice your body, just to get next to him, is devaluing. The only thing you get from this is his disrespect, and more hurt.

[greta96]

No. He considers you a friend, and has no feelings in a romantic way.

 

That is true

[Generica]

This is what I need to drill in my head. We are only friends. I need to scale down my feelings and see him as such. And keep things strictly platonic. That is, if he's still around...

If hes not still around, that will tell you you created a fantasy thay doesnt exist. Hes not nearly as great as you led.yourself to believe.

 

Hes with her this weekend and im gonna be hard here: hes most likely not thinking about you at all.

 

"Funny, intelligent, nice..." these are generic qualities most men have if you give them the opportunity to show you. Chemistry is overrated and can misguide us more often than it helps. Its just a biological function to help ensure survival of ourselves through babies. We should dontate our chemistry abilities to the pandas. We dont need it.

[Hollyj]

If hes not still around, that will tell you you created a fantasy thay doesnt exist. Hes not nearly as great as you led.yourself to believe.

 

Hes with her this weekend and im gonna be hard here: hes most likely not thinking about you at all.

 

"Funny, intelligent, nice..." these are generic qualities most men have if you give them the opportunity to show you. Chemistry is overrated and can misguide us more often than it helps. Its just a biological function to help ensure survival of ourselves through babies. We should dontate our chemistry abilities to the pandas. We dont need it.

 

I agree. This is total fantasy.

 

Sorry, Greta, but you need to be told the truth.

[LaHermes]

No truer words, Generica.

 

Chemistry is overrated and can misguide us more often than it helps. Its just a biological function to help ensure survival of ourselves through babies. We should dontate our chemistry abilities to the pandas. We dont need it.

[boltnrun]

There is nothing to "end".

 

Do you honestly think lurking around pretending to be his "friend" only with no romantic feelings will make him want to date you? Hasn't he had the opportunity to just have sex and hasn't even taken you up on that?

 

You CAN end this romantic fantasy...you're choosing not to. You are keeping yourself tied to him despite the fact you aren't even sleeping together.

 

The question is, why? Why are you deliberately making yourself unavailable to available men who might truly want to date you? What are you hiding from? Are you afraid a man will hurt you so you choose to hurt yourself instead?

[Batya33]

I just feel so overwhelmingly guilty about everything! Maybe I should end this anyway, but with the way things are right now I am the bad guy! I am the one who exchanged numbers with someone from his work place, it doesn't matter how it happened, these are the facts and now I have to live with them. I was probably too friendly with the guy, because I was hurt and his interest felt good in the moment. All I could think of was them having sex, when me and him could have had a nice, fun night. This, combined with my inability to say 'no' when put on the spot, was a recipe for disaster and I don't know how to live it down. Things may have ended anyway eventually but now I feel like I contributed to the end in the nastiest way possible! I wish I could redo yesterday...

 

Nothing bad guy about it. Your interactions with him have no boundaries as far as who else you can interact with and I don't get the "respect" thing either -sure if you were dating him with potential for a relationship it might be awkward and uncool to also date someone he knows (and I did that once but they just had mutual friends, and I was 23, so I assume I got a pass for that lol). It would be weird of him to ask you about it other than casually -maybe- and if he does - a simple 'yup, I did" is all you need to share with him.

 

I agree with the other advice except it doesn't sound like you two have a friendship because you are too biased to be a genuine friend to him (since you can't be supportive of his romantic involvement with the particular woman or any other woman he knows or might pursue).

 

I know you wanted to focus this thread just on the phone number issue but I wanted to add that I agree with others that wrote how much you are disrespecting your own need for self-care by perpetuating this fantasy and focus on this person - it really can cause harm in future relationships too if you continue down this path (and your physical health).

[RainyCoast]

greta. what i hear from you is:

 

he won't even agree to a fwb with me. he is sleeping with someone as we speak. BUT he is possessive and would mind if i looked elsewhere. Hence I feel guilty (HIS possessiveness will make me feel like i did something wrong) for giving my number to other people. He knows those "people" so he will surely find out and have a problem with it.

 

Now translate this to me greta. WHAT DOES THAT MAKE HIM?

 

(i'm saving my expletives because i need them for my computer problems, but) this man is controlling and you are intimidated. you are afraid to act like the free woman that you are. He treats you like a possession and you agree to it because it is the closest to belonging that you can hope to have with him. i know that you have put him on a pedestal, but i think yo can see this behavior is wrong.

 

you are even afraid to be "a discarded possession", and that tells me you feel overwhelmingly lonely in general.

 

i almost hope he finds out and behaves like a proper A about it, because although painful for you, seeing the unembellished state of things for yourself may help you reclaim the energy you invested in him.

[LolaMay4559]

Greta,

 

I know you are emotionally invested in this guy, but he is not emotionally invested in you. It seems that deep down inside, you believe that if you can get him to agree to be your FWB, then you can make him fall in love with you, and it will all magically work out. That may happen in the movies, but it very rarely happens in real life. This is hard on you, and you are selling yourself short. Some people are happy with FWB situations and that's great for them, but from your posts it sounds like you truly want a relationship with someone. Why not work for that? There are other men out there who will be happy to date you, go places with you, be more than friends.

 

Also, like others have pointed out, he already has a FWB and is happy with that situation. He is not choosing you. He is not going to choose you. Choose yourself, love yourself, find what makes you happy, and then you will find people who will treat you the way you want to be treated. Do you feel happy with the way things are going now? Do you feel happy with the fact you are spending so much energy on someone who is sleeping with someone else? If not, you are the only one who can change this situation. He has no reason to change it. You need to go NC, and start to move on. You are holding yourself back from having the life that you want.

 

I don't mean this at all in a harsh way. Once upon a time I felt things for emotionally unavailable men myself and wasted way too much time and energy wishing for more. While I was wishing and hoping for something that never materialized, I was turning down other emotionally available men. In the end, I only hurt myself. Those guys I turned down moved on to to healthy relationships, and several are married. I'm only glad I did realize what I was doing, and have spent my time stepping back from dating and focusing on improving myself. When/if the right one comes along, I am ready. You need to be focusing on yourself, and what you really want.

[greta96]

greta. what i hear from you is:

 

he won't even agree to a fwb with me. he is sleeping with someone as we speak. BUT he is possessive and would mind if i looked elsewhere. Hence I feel guilty (HIS possessiveness will make me feel like i did something wrong) for giving my number to other people. He knows those "people" so he will surely find out and have a problem with it.

 

Now translate this to me greta. WHAT DOES THAT MAKE HIM?

 

(i'm saving my expletives because i need them for my computer problems, but) this man is controlling and you are intimidated. you are afraid to act like the free woman that you are. He treats you like a possession and you agree to it because it is the closest to belonging that you can hope to have with him. i know that you have put him on a pedestal, but i think yo can see this behavior is wrong.

 

you are even afraid to be "a discarded possession", and that tells me you feel overwhelmingly lonely in general.

 

i almost hope he finds out and behaves like a proper A about it, because although painful for you, seeing the unembellished state of things for yourself may help you reclaim the energy you invested in him.

 

You are spot on here, including about me being generally lonely

He does want a FWB relationship with me, but we are not FWB because I don't feel comfortable with sharing men. Had the other woman not existed, I'd go for it. For the time being I can't dedicate myself to a full blown relationship, so a FWB arrangement would be ideal. It is clear now that he is not the best candidate for that though, because I have developed feelings.

I have decided to back off a bit, scale down my own feelings, and if some time from now I feel able to be a platonic friend to him, I will be.

[greta96]

Greta,

 

I know you are emotionally invested in this guy, but he is not emotionally invested in you. It seems that deep down inside, you believe that if you can get him to agree to be your FWB, then you can make him fall in love with you, and it will all magically work out. That may happen in the movies, but it very rarely happens in real life. This is hard on you, and you are selling yourself short. Some people are happy with FWB situations and that's great for them, but from your posts it sounds like you truly want a relationship with someone. Why not work for that? There are other men out there who will be happy to date you, go places with you, be more than friends.

 

Also, like others have pointed out, he already has a FWB and is happy with that situation. He is not choosing you. He is not going to choose you. Choose yourself, love yourself, find what makes you happy, and then you will find people who will treat you the way you want to be treated. Do you feel happy with the way things are going now? Do you feel happy with the fact you are spending so much energy on someone who is sleeping with someone else? If not, you are the only one who can change this situation. He has no reason to change it. You need to go NC, and start to move on. You are holding yourself back from having the life that you want.

 

I don't mean this at all in a harsh way. Once upon a time I felt things for emotionally unavailable men myself and wasted way too much time and energy wishing for more. While I was wishing and hoping for something that never materialized, I was turning down other emotionally available men. In the end, I only hurt myself. Those guys I turned down moved on to to healthy relationships, and several are married. I'm only glad I did realize what I was doing, and have spent my time stepping back from dating and focusing on improving myself. When/if the right one comes along, I am ready. You need to be focusing on yourself, and what you really want.

 

Thank you, you are not being harsh, everything you said is true.

 

You guys have really helped me here, all of you. I can't thank you enough! All of you had great insight, and made me see things from a different perspective, that I was unable to see yesterday because I felt like I was in too deep.

It's true, neither one of us has the right to be mad at the other for doing whatever we may be doing with the opposite sex, because we are not exclusive, not even dating.

He is not to blame, because he didn't lead me on. I knew I wasn't the only woman in his life from day one, and that he saw me more like a friend. I want to take a few steps back and work on myself a little, scale back my feelings for him and see if I can get myself to a place where I can be just a friend.

Definitely feeling better today, thanks to you all

[Generica]

Thank you, you are not being harsh, everything you said is true.

 

You guys have really helped me here, all of you. I can't thank you enough! All of you had great insight, and made me see things from a different perspective, that I was unable to see yesterday because I felt like I was in too deep.

It's true, neither one of us has the right to be mad at the other for doing whatever we may be doing with the opposite sex, because we are not exclusive, not even dating.

He is not to blame, because he didn't lead me on. I knew I wasn't the only woman in his life from day one, and that he saw me more like a friend. I want to take a few steps back and work on myself a little, scale back my feelings for him and see if I can get myself to a place where I can be just a friend.

Definitely feeling better today, thanks to you all

So glad to hear that, Greta. Im glad you feel better today and see things a little differently.

[Hollyj]

Sounds like a good plan!

 

Stay strong!