Wife's Midlife Crisis and Emotional Affair

[SherrySher]

100% agreed with Shelly.

[j.man]

Sorry, but I gotta go there.

 

Can't get over the "feministdude" nick. Not because guys can't or shouldn't be feminists, but because I've only ever seen a guy who goes out of his way to describe himself as such being either chauvinist in his own way, needing to be a champion of sorts, or, as the kids say, a "cuckold" in his own right, putting women on some pedestal above himself. Neither of which really reflects a a practice of equality.

 

I'd be sincerely curious to know, OP-- were a woman to come to you talking about how her husband was having such an affair and using all the BS of a "mid-life crisis" and "just not knowing who he is" as an excuse, what would your advice be to her?

 

Look, man. Either you devalue yourself to the point you feel this is at all a suitable situation to subject yourself to or you're infantilizing her, believing her incapable of handling a mid-life crisis without cheating. If you respected your wife as a wife and as a woman, you'd hold her responsible.

 

And now she's calling into work sick because work makes her miserable? She's "torching her life" because, as much as I hate to admit it, given these tragic circumstances, it's simply smart. I like to think myself a bigger person, but who knows? Had I a wife running a successful business that's only becoming increasingly so, who I could emotionally take a dump on whenever I pleased, and who tolerated me running around getting an attention fix in whatever inappropriate way I chose, I might be YOLOing it just like her. Start calling off work for no other reason than being unhappy... see how that goes. Wife doesn't care? Great. "I can't do this job anymore." Quit. Establish financial dependence. She ever decides to put some big girl pants on and demand I be a grown, responsible adult? "Uhhhhhh yeah no thanks." Divorce. Take half. The epitome of a no-lose situation.

[DancingFool]

Eh....just tell her you are good with an open marriage and be done with this topic since you very obviously are and have no plans of doing anything besides complaining on some boards about it a little bit. In fact, so long as she is hot and puts out for you, all is good with you. So, just make it official and move forward with that.

[feministdude]

Sincere thanks to you all for your feedback. I will consider it deeply. You're probably all right that I can't interact constructively in her breakdown at this point. Unfortunately, she has a long way to go before she'll be willing to speak to a counselor or therapist.

 

J-Man, I like the cut of your jib. There's a core of your comments that strikes me as very insightful.

 

"Feminist dude?" Feminism simply means that I see women as my equals and advocate for a society that treats them as such. To me, it is a position of strength to not be intimidated or diminished by seeing women as my equal. When the emotional affair first began, I went online to try to deal with it. But the advice I found seemed largely to be misogynistic hogwash, that women couldn't control themselves, be trusted to act honorably, or be responsible for their own behavior and that husbands had to control and manipulate them. I adopted a moniker with "feminist" in hopes that it would inspire more feminist-friendly advice. Interestingly, it has had the opposite effect, causing people to jump to conclusions that I'm some effeminate, whipped serving boy, and respond with more extreme advice than they probably otherwise would have given. Alas....

 

How would I respond to a woman going through a similar thing with her husband? Honestly, if she were a strong-willed person, I'd probably tell her to do as I have done in my relationship with my wife. I'd start by telling her that she is not responsible for her husband's behavior or emotional state, and that a position of strength would be for her to take responsibility for her own emotional state and composure. I'd tell her to clearly state her observations, expectations and what the consequences for failing to meet those expectations would be, rather than trying to control or manipulate her husband.

 

And how would you regard a man who responded to a conflict with another MAN, a friend or business relationship, by throwing tantrums, issuing silly ultimatums, attempting to control or manipulate, getting depressed, refusing to play golf at the same course, and putting himself through unnecessary emotional distress - because he didn't approve of this guy's behavior? I'd regard such a man as a weak-ass, undisciplined child.

 

Yet, many here seem to expect that women require men to lead them, take responsibility for their wives' behavior and emotional states, manipulate them with some 180 BS, coddle them and chase after them as though they were inferior pets requiring a strong trainer. I expect more of any woman I'm married to. And I deserve for her to be trying to win ME. Her behavior is smart under the circumstances? Good. I get to learn what kind of woman she is, whether she makes easy "smart" choices that are fun, or does what's right on her own without me having to control her or "keep her in line."

 

I explained my expectations and that the consequences of her not getting herself together would be me leaving. And that there was no point of discussing anything else until that changed.

 

Had I forced the ultimatum, I'd probably still be in a relationship with a 90% chance of ending, only my wife would be more miserable to be around and my life would have been a mess for months. And she would not have had to make her own choices and live with her own consequences. As it is, I believe it is smart for ME to stay in the relationship a little longer. She mostly hides her mess from me, which is certainly unhealthy for her, but keeps me comfortable. In the meantime, I don't see the point in allowing myself to lose discipline or composure, putting my self through unnecessary stress, denying myself sex, etc. over some imagined affront to some culturally contrived boyish fantasies of manliness. Or to "hold her responsible." She must hold herself responsible. I'm well aware the other shoe may drop at any time. And I hope for her sake that she is preparing for the same. I will be sad to have her throw away the intimacy gained in a long-term relationship, but I'm fit, strong, and more attractive to younger, interesting, attractive women than I was when I met my current hot wife. I'll be fine.

[feministdude]

Eh....just tell her you are good with an open marriage and be done with this topic since you very obviously are and have no plans of doing anything besides complaining on some boards about it a little bit. In fact, so long as she is hot and puts out for you, all is good with you. So, just make it official and move forward with that.

 

Actually, I tried that and she said SHE wasn't willing to have an open marriage. But I also told her that even in the context of an open marriage, I would consider her the nature of her current relationship to be cheating. Open marriages do require rules and respect. "Emotionally open" marriages are considered the most risky, and I would consider it inappropriate to subject our marriage to such a risk.

[abitbroken]

Feminist dude?" Feminism simply means that I see women as my equals and advocate for a society that treats them as such. To me, it is a position of strength to not be intimidated or diminished by seeing women as my equal.

 

Then she should be treated equally - but she is NOT being treated equally here. When one person is walking all over the other person, its not an equal situation. You are treating her like a distant friend - not a wife. You are emulating what i strongly dislike about the modern idea of feminism many have - that it involves men being weakened for women to be elevated when it should be men enjoy the same rights and respect as before and have had and women are moving up to join them as equals. You are treating her as if she doesn't deserve any consequences to her actions.

 

As far as saying "women want men to lead" = you are the person here on ENA - she is not here and you can only control your own actions. Male or female i would tell you to take charge here - to step up. Don't be the person that things just happen to. Put your foot down to protect your marriage - she is clearly not doing it. So you must.

 

You are scrambling in your ideology - as a feminist dude - you think "well its traditional for women to want men to take the lead and to protect them so i am not going to do that because i'm feminist friendly" - so who is going to take charge here??? Be a fierce protector of your marriage - you BOTH have to be - and if she is not then you need to do it EVEN MORE.

 

Maybe she wants to hear that you love her, you want her, you desire only her and you won't put up with this in a namby pamby way - as a mere observer watching her "change and evolve". You are being a mere bystander if you are behaving in that manner.

 

How would I respond to a woman going through a similar thing with her husband? Honestly, if she were a strong-willed person, I'd probably tell her to do as I have done in my relationship with my wife. I'd start by telling her that she is not responsible for her husband's behavior or emotional state, and that a position of strength would be for her to take responsibility for her own emotional state and composure. I'd tell her to clearly state her observations, expectations and what the consequences for failing to meet those expectations would be, rather than trying to control or manipulate her husband.

 

She is not responsible for her husband's behavior - but seriously - if a woman was being cheated on you would tell them to "find composure in your mental state"?? If their husband is going through a terminal illness - then finding quiet strength *iS* helpful advice - i would agree with you there. A position of strength in all other cases is having boundaries. If someone cheats on you, you set a boundary. That means either they no longer have access to you because you leave as they have broken the marriage or you do not have sex with them. Honestly, if I was cheated on and was not in an immediate position to leave, they would be sleeping on the sofa and would have no access to my body.

 

Right now - there are absolutely no consequences, or so it seems. You just sit on the sidelines and watch your wife "go through this" and get your jollys from sleeping with her, irregardless of whether the other dude passed her an STD or not. So what does your marriage mean to YOU? Is this really okay?

 

"Emotionally open" marriages are considered the most risky, and I would consider it inappropriate to subject our marriage to such a risk.

 

Yet you are cool with your marriage risked over physical cheating..

I have news for you, as a woman, affairs that women have are very seldom just a physical affair. Unless its a one time one night thing after a wild bachelorette party. If its an ongoing partner and not just every random dude, it started out with an emotional affair first. And its not like she slept with him once she "goes away to see him" and returns.

 

As far as the open marriage thing - i was only stating that - and i don't agree with open marriages - because you seemed so chuffed at being able to sleep with her hotness while she is getting something on the side - like as long as you can have sex with her you can stoke this along until you are in a better position with your company or you could live in this arrangement,

[SherrySher]

Emotionally open" marriages are considered the most risky, and I would consider it inappropriate to subject our marriage to such a risk.]

 

Really? Then why do you allow her to have her "friend" and have allowed it for a long time now? You're not making any sense.

 

If we're gonna be honest here, he is not a friend, he is a rival and someone your wife finds attractive. If you were not around and he was willing to give her a commitment, they'd be together in 2 seconds.

 

But instead of putting your foot down and demanding respect, you let her carry on with this man.

[Wiseman2]

Is she on drugs? Is this what her new pal and alter ego are all about? Don't stick our head in the sand even if you believe you are averting an expensive divorce. Perpare now before you or she files so it doesn't look like you are trying to hide those assets.

[reinventmyself]

Her midlife crisis is that of regression.

She needs the attention of men outside of her marriage and hides under the covers because she doesn't like her job.

This is not an adult woman.

 

These are the actions of a child and you are not supporting her like you would like to believe as she goes through some sort of a crisis.

To say that is almost insulting to those who experience a real crisis.

 

I would hate to see how she would handle a real one.. . anyway. .

 

You are enabling her. You might say you don't try to change her. That's fine, but you are standing by and in a weird backwards way, condoning it and reinforcing her bad behavior.

[ShatteredMan]

How can she be the most extrordinary woman when you wrote about this jekyll and hyde flaw? I too wouldn't want to throw away 15 years of marriage. My advice is to seek marriage counselling. You should not have to tolerate her hanging out with this other guy.

Completely agree with JohnnyDanger.

 

Put your foot down and stop this situation before you can't save it. Tell her to cut it off with this other guy. Get marriage counseling immediately and put as much effort into it as you can.

 

Good luck with it.

[ayeh422]

i think usually cheating whether emotional or otherwise is a symptom of unhappiness and not necessarily an indication of bad people. your wife clearly isn't getting something met in the relationship which she is getting met in this other relationship which is why it seems so life and death to her. if you want to keep the marriage alive you're going to have to start meeting her needs fully.

tony robbins has a lot of videos out there where he works with couples that are on the edge. i think you might get something out of it.

 

 

 

a lot of times it's not even that we don't love each other. its that the way we are loving each other doesn't actually make the other person feel what they need to be loved

[iramency]

Wow. I am new here and just read this post and my heart sank. It seems everything you have done , you have done 100 percent for your parther aka your wife. You have gotten her the house she likes, been the man you are supposed to be, and always settled for less thanks to her hangups. I'm sorry to say but you deserve better and someone who is a 50/50 partner and not an emotional basketcase. It is hard to say what is wrong with your wife. You can blame it on many things. Perhaps she has issues deep rooted and needs counseling. Perhaps your wife must love herself before she can love someone else whether it be you or the tool she spends her cocktail hours with. Not fixing up the house and not gardening is a sign of depression. She's depressed but why? She needs counseling and then you need joint counseling to see if it's worth fixing. Your business is doing well, thank God, keep focusing on that. In my opinion she's just inconsiderate and staying in a marriage for convenience and not for love. Maybe I'm crazy to tell you that true love exists, but it does. If you are stuck in a marriage that's rotten how will you ever find it?