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learning to take responsibility for my own actions


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Allright. For those who read my comments about my past relationship with my italian bf (35). I was thinking whats wrong with you people. I was blackmailed for intimate photos from a some guy... and you were telling me I was cheating on my boyfriend. (cheating??)

At the beginning I was thinking, how could I possibly cheat..I never slept w the guy nor planned to. I did mistake with sharing way too much, I got it... But cheating, that sounded strong word to me. I basically could not admit that, bc what I shared with him,I would share with my friends (except some things ehm).

I spent time thinking about my actions and I realized I have to become honest at least with myself,why I did what I did at first and what provocated my actions.

I knew that guy for 10 years, and when you know someone for so long, you already built good conversation, and sence how to interact with each other. So when my ex cheated on me (rumors, and no, he did not have balls to admit it, but it doesnt mean it did not happen and didnt hurt me), i still accepted it and somehow continued.I admit, there was something from this guy, I could not get from my bf when this bs started. I could not imagine telling him: "Honey, even u dont admit it,I know u cheated, and it makes me feel insecure and lost.. Can you support me emotionally, so I have more control in our relationship?". Yep, sure.

I needed to gain control, respect, the right boundaries and distinguish manipulation, that i might not always recognize. and I really didnt want do that at that time,with my bf knowing/helping me. after the cheating story, I didnt trust him and i felt weak.I felt afraid he will advantage of me and will walk on my back.I needed to find my ground and know that the relationship is safe. (so did I) I was afraid to do it "rightly" alone, bc I already had one controlling relationship. And even thought the blackmail, the guy helped me to realize many things, I gained control, stability and so on.Except, ... I later realized what the heck I had signed to.

 

Now, I had to admit myself, that yes, I was emotionally unfaitful whether there was blackmail or not. I realized, after my bf cheated (whether he admit it or not), I should listen my gut and leave. Or if accepting what he had done, than I should not have turn to some friend to support me, at least not with such expectations.

 

I am wondering... If there is something,I should be more aware I didnt mention. Some help would be appreciated.

 

How would you alone handle, if you would be cheated on in marriage? Would you be rather he/she confessed the cheating or not?

I personally prefered he doesnt confessed at first, bc there was hope I wanted to see. But that hope does not work in long run (as you can see here- what goes around, comes around. It pretty returned him as well..) So right now, I probably would be happier, if he would confess me years ago and be able to take responsibility for his actions. To show me respect, and also to himself. I would feel, that my feelings of being cheated are validated and took seriously.

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she is wondering what other inappropriate actions of her own she may have rationalized away as acceptable, and is not seeing it.
To be honest, I would find that more troubling than her having known she was doing the wrong thing but doing it anyway. I mean that's lacking some pretty barebones empathy that borders extremely rare mental illness territory to legitimately rationalize around a behavior in the way the OP claims to be.

 

I don't make a habit of accusing posters of misrepresentation, but I'd guess the OP has known from the beginning what she did was wrong, and on par with cheating at that. This is simply her navigating through the guilt.

 

But, if you seriously are struggling to navigate these sorts of ethics, OP, I'd strongly encourage professional counseling.

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It seems now you are shifting responsibility for you actions from "i was forced to send him sexts" to 'i think my bf cheated but won't admit it.' ? Perhaps you should end it with your bf. Sexting this other guy to retaliate or make yourself feel better hasn't solved anything between you and your bf. ex cheated on me. I admit, there was something from this guy, I could not get from my bf when this bs started. I could not imagine telling him: "Honey, even u dont admit it,I know u cheated, and it makes me feel insecure and lost.. Can you support me emotionally, so I have more control in our relationship?".

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We did end it. And no i dont put respondible into anyone but myself. I just clarified what took me to take the path. And thats the most important for me to know this weakness about me.

I see whether people here rather to point out at my mistakes (like it would not be never enough) or missunderstood what i written.

 

 

It seems now you are shifting responsibility for you actions from "i was forced to send him sexts" to 'i think my bf cheated but won't admit it.' ? Perhaps you should end it with your bf. Sexting this other guy to retaliate or make yourself feel better hasn't solved anything between you and your bf.
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Well it ended w that guy like 8months ago. After, it was just his blackmail. Meanwhile , i worked on myself in relationship....got better. But uh, that guilt. couldt continue it without telling that... he ended for this and for me dislike sex.

As far as why? Only i can know why. So do i.

 

 

Why did your bf end it? What about the sexting guy? Is he still doing this?. As far as why? Simple : attention and revenge.
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How would you alone handle, if you would be cheated on in marriage?

 

I would end the relationship. No drama, no accusations--when I'm done, I'm just done.

 

Would you be rather he/she confessed the cheating or not?

 

Not. I'd hold no interest in in proving myself to be right. If I feel that I can't trust someone, then that's all I need to know. My goal would be to move forward and consider my mistakes in the relationship to be ones I won't repeat again. Beyond that, I'm not interested in dissecting someone else's disloyalty. That speaks of his character, not mine.

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