30 days of No Contact log ( Think I can do it?)

[1a1a]

It's really funny you should ask. Saturday I had a soccer match in the afternoon. The day before she had said she really wanted to come. That day she told me she wasn't going to make it because she was exhausted. I reluctantly accepted it. Ended up breaking my foot in that game. Text her that night telling her after being in hospital. She replied saying "What? Really" to which I said "Yes why would I make that up, just got back from ER" I said I was miserable and things kept going wrong for me. She then blocked me instantly. No sympathy, no are you okay, no im sorry that happened. So to answer your question. No, she wouldn't comfort me, and didn't.

 

She blocked me and is gone (again).

 

Yikes, she is really really horrible!!! I hope that you can use this to fuel the fire that burns the bridge that connects you to her because she does not deserve your care. Also really sorry to hear your foot is broken!! I hope it heals (heels?!! huehue) as fast as it possibly can.

 

I'm glad you've been having the good chats with someone new. Word to the wise, don't invest even one iota of your heart in this person until you meet in person though (or do, and then get crushingly disappointed if you two don't hit it off in real life, I know I did, several times over).

[1a1a]

Gosh I know all this suck. It sound hard because no matter what you can truly never go no contact. You seem like a strong person and if you had the opportunity to go full cold turkey you would be a lot further. Give it time, the mental attractionwill slowly subside. I am proud though! Just get some rest! Thought about dating? It may be a lil too soon.

 

I have, when we first went on break I couldn't imagine ever loving anyone else. About 3 weeks into it I poked my nose onto ok cupid, just to look around. Not much more, there's no one there that interests me. And I successfully struck up a conversation with cute guy from work/the pub that time late last year but he's living in Tasmania at the moment so that's gonna be a really slow burn if it's anything at all. Today I downloaded Tinder and flicked through a bit, first guy I came across that was a maybe and I froze, I want the comfort and attraction feels for sure but I am not feeling brave enough to take on all the potential bad that comes with that yet. (Plus I know in my heart of hearts, I'm nooooot quite complete 1a1a yet - I'm one of those people who tends to forget who they are in a relationship).

[1a1a]

I think it's better to just let it be on my side. Not out of resentment, but because I think it's better to wish him well from the sidelines and from a distance (literally and figuratively lol).

 

This is the wise, you are wise.

[1a1a]

I was doing pretty ok most of today. I had a psychologist apt (5th one). All the others I was trying to get her to help me not be so anxiously attached to my ex. Now he is gone my two questions were how do I let go of him, and how do I not have a fear of abandonment. She said a lot of things but none of them resonated. I headed into town and applied pressure to a client who owes me money (they did not yield but made some progress towards putting the wheels in motion), did a delivery favour for a friend, killed time in a shopping centre for an hour waiting out peak hour (wasted $100 on goof), had a good band practice. Somehow I lost my momentum when I got home, even though I was mindful of not doing that. I cooked food which is good. But then I watched the Hand Maiden's tale ep 1 which was a real bummer and now I am feeling the uneasy. Uneasy alone? Uneasy client still hasn't paid? Uneasy I forgot a phone call today that I should have made?! Uneasy have to go walk my aunty's dog tomorrow? I don't know. I cannot pin point it. I think normally I would just attribute it to the being alone thing but if it's not that, maybe I can fix it. Not right now though. Right now I'd be best served going to bed even though it's very early for me.

[Annia]

This is the wise, you are wise.

 

Thank you. There are times when we have no option besides letting people go. It's never easy but there's nothing we can do about it.

[Annia]

I was doing pretty ok most of today. I had a psychologist apt (5th one). All the others I was trying to get her to help me not be so anxiously attached to my ex. Now he is gone my two questions were how do I let go of him, and how do I not have a fear of abandonment. She said a lot of things but none of them resonated. I headed into town and applied pressure to a client who owes me money (they did not yield but made some progress towards putting the wheels in motion), did a delivery favour for a friend, killed time in a shopping centre for an hour waiting out peak hour (wasted $100 on goof), had a good band practice. Somehow I lost my momentum when I got home, even though I was mindful of not doing that. I cooked food which is good. But then I watched the Hand Maiden's tale ep 1 which was a real bummer and now I am feeling the uneasy. Uneasy alone? Uneasy client still hasn't paid? Uneasy I forgot a phone call today that I should have made?! Uneasy have to go walk my aunty's dog tomorrow? I don't know. I cannot pin point it. I think normally I would just attribute it to the being alone thing but if it's not that, maybe I can fix it. Not right now though. Right now I'd be best served going to bed even though it's very early for me.

 

I think sometimes we are so busy during the day that when we come back home in the silence of our thoughts, it dawns on us. I hope you're feeling a bit better now.

[hrb23]

Yikes, she is really really horrible!!! I hope that you can use this to fuel the fire that burns the bridge that connects you to her because she does not deserve your care. Also really sorry to hear your foot is broken!! I hope it heals (heels?!! huehue) as fast as it possibly can.

 

I'm glad you've been having the good chats with someone new. Word to the wise, don't invest even one iota of your heart in this person until you meet in person though (or do, and then get crushingly disappointed if you two don't hit it off in real life, I know I did, several times over).

 

 

Actually it's been sort of difficult with this new person already. She is definitely A LOT which isn't ideal after what I've just been through. I spoke to her on the phone for 2 hours the past two nights and we have had great conversation. Unfortunately last night she told my my X was extremely pretty and I asked how on earth she knew that. She said "You act as if I'm not a girl and haven't stalked your social media".

 

She then got weird and dismissive when I told her I had no intention of deleting those photos of my X.

 

Yikes.

[Annia]

Actually it's been sort of difficult with this new person already. She is definitely A LOT which isn't ideal after what I've just been through. I spoke to her on the phone for 2 hours the past two nights and we have had great conversation. Unfortunately last night she told my my X was extremely pretty and I asked how on earth she knew that. She said "You act as if I'm not a girl and haven't stalked your social media".

 

She then got weird and dismissive when I told her I had no intention of deleting those photos of my X.

 

Yikes.

 

Be careful with this new girl and really consider if you're ready for this. She could be too insecure and more than you should be handling now while you're still healing from your previous relationship.

[Whocares479]

Actually it's been sort of difficult with this new person already. She is definitely A LOT which isn't ideal after what I've just been through. I spoke to her on the phone for 2 hours the past two nights and we have had great conversation. Unfortunately last night she told my my X was extremely pretty and I asked how on earth she knew that. She said "You act as if I'm not a girl and haven't stalked your social media".

 

She then got weird and dismissive when I told her I had no intention of deleting those photos of my X.

 

Yikes.

 

Red flag!!! I would stay away.

[Whocares479]

I have, when we first went on break I couldn't imagine ever loving anyone else. About 3 weeks into it I poked my nose onto ok cupid, just to look around. Not much more, there's no one there that interests me. And I successfully struck up a conversation with cute guy from work/the pub that time late last year but he's living in Tasmania at the moment so that's gonna be a really slow burn if it's anything at all. Today I downloaded Tinder and flicked through a bit, first guy I came across that was a maybe and I froze, I want the comfort and attraction feels for sure but I am not feeling brave enough to take on all the potential bad that comes with that yet. (Plus I know in my heart of hearts, I'm nooooot quite complete 1a1a yet - I'm one of those people who tends to forget who they are in a relationship).

 

Yikes!!! I would stay away from tinder!! The guys on there tend to only want hook ups then again you may find a good one.

[Annia]

Yes. Tinder is dangerous territory. I used it for a while long ago and I never found a guy that wasn't there for the hook ups or to rebound from an ex girlfriend. However a friend of mine is going to marry a guy she met on Tinder. I guess it's a matter of luck.

[hrb23]

Yes. Tinder is dangerous territory. I used it for a while long ago and I never found a guy that wasn't there for the hook ups or to rebound from an ex girlfriend. However a friend of mine is going to marry a guy she met on Tinder. I guess it's a matter of luck.

 

Approach with caution. There are good ones few and far between though.

[1a1a]

Actually it's been sort of difficult with this new person already. She is definitely A LOT which isn't ideal after what I've just been through. I spoke to her on the phone for 2 hours the past two nights and we have had great conversation. Unfortunately last night she told my my X was extremely pretty and I asked how on earth she knew that. She said "You act as if I'm not a girl and haven't stalked your social media".

 

She then got weird and dismissive when I told her I had no intention of deleting those photos of my X.

 

Yikes.

 

Consider her a test run, proof you can attract people. You don't have to settle for this though, you are doing well to spot red flags. It should not be hard early on!

[1a1a]

I think sometimes we are so busy during the day that when we come back home in the silence of our thoughts, it dawns on us. I hope you're feeling a bit better now.

 

I feel like if it no longer comes in waves, sadness settles like dew. My day was fine. Here I am in the night again though ah hah. Tomorrow night I am going to try and meet this head on by spending 25 minutes making music!!

[1a1a]

Yikes!!! I would stay away from tinder!! The guys on there tend to only want hook ups then again you may find a good one.

 

Already demoralised. I swipe left on pretty much Eeeeeeeeveryone. If they look normal, if they haven't written anything, if they sound cool but they aren't attractive (it Is Tinder, a match comes with some expectations). Then if I do see someone who looks and sounds good, the idea of actually making such an intense connection with someone else scares me. I think i need to counterbalance any kinds of dabblings on online dating with doing traditional things to meet people, aka, taking up new social hobbies and or studying things or meet ups or volunteering. If I meet a someone in person and there is simpatico I think that will assuage all my reservations. And I think if I had new relationship energy with someone, I would forget my ex.

[1a1a]

*flail* I hang on facebook a lot when I'm feeling anxious lonely and there's ex in the chat favourites, Also online, most of the time (or like when we finished work on Friday and he's like bye, going now. And a minute later I see him pop up on facebook, interacting with other people, he probably doesn't even know who until he logs in, pavlov's dog response).

 

There used to be an option where you could disable chat for individual people. That's what I want to do for him. But it's gone now. So I'm gritting my teeth and talking myself down. But I know what the solution is. Unfriiiiieeeeend. He won't be any harder to contact, he won't be any less my friend, and I will have one less thing that bumps the scab. Why can't I do this thing?!

[hrb23]

Consider her a test run, proof you can attract people. You don't have to settle for this though, you are doing well to spot red flags. It should not be hard early on!

 

She has and she is honestly so sweet and I'm reasonably attracted to her. She has helped me almost completely forget about my ex, I have just stumbled past Day 3 of NC with barely a trace of a thought about my ex.

[1a1a]

As long as you know what your deal breakers are, and still do the work of finding out who you are and what you want.

 

Even if when this connection goes sour (for almost all of them do in time), I am so glad you're getting some positive interaction and attention at the moment!!

[ESOTSM]

I can't stop thinking of how things really went down. I honestly thought it was one of those episodes of giving sometime to each other I mean especially after 12 years together. But she made her decision. And I found out she was emotionally communicating with other people. How ? I see there was times when she was acting a bit different but I never thought she would walk away. She said she wasn't happy but a month before she is talking to me and I didn't sense that she was planning on leaving. She did tell me that she knew of the decision that she was thinking about and let it happen.

 

I feel betrayed in a way because I would never leave her for someone else.

 

Ill never have all the answers , it just hurts that it happen.

 

I need to take her off that pedestal once and for all, we shared alot of memories over those 12 years and yes towards the end things got cold but every relatuonship has those periods of times especially living together. We shared so much in common but communication was not all there . I love her so much but I'm not seeing how she went about things.

 

She is happy now and I'm still struggling to cope with the whole thing.

[Annia]

Already demoralised. I swipe left on pretty much Eeeeeeeeveryone. If they look normal, if they haven't written anything, if they sound cool but they aren't attractive (it Is Tinder, a match comes with some expectations). Then if I do see someone who looks and sounds good, the idea of actually making such an intense connection with someone else scares me. I think i need to counterbalance any kinds of dabblings on online dating with doing traditional things to meet people, aka, taking up new social hobbies and or studying things or meet ups or volunteering. If I meet a someone in person and there is simpatico I think that will assuage all my reservations. And I think if I had new relationship energy with someone, I would forget my ex.

 

I'm at a difficult stage in terms of dating, not only because I haven't forgotten him but also because I'm moving, so I can't go through this all over again while I'm still here. However some days ago I decided to take a look at one of those apps to see what's out there and couldn't find much that attracted me. And I've been having self sabotaging thoughts like "here I am, swiping sadly through this app, while he is all happy with the woman of his dreams which he met organically and out of the blue". I know I can't keep comparing myself to him and it's just my ego talking... but it sucks lol

[Annia]

*flail* I hang on facebook a lot when I'm feeling anxious lonely and there's ex in the chat favourites, Also online, most of the time (or like when we finished work on Friday and he's like bye, going now. And a minute later I see him pop up on facebook, interacting with other people, he probably doesn't even know who until he logs in, pavlov's dog response).

 

There used to be an option where you could disable chat for individual people. That's what I want to do for him. But it's gone now. So I'm gritting my teeth and talking myself down. But I know what the solution is. Unfriiiiieeeeend. He won't be any harder to contact, he won't be any less my friend, and I will have one less thing that bumps the scab. Why can't I do this thing?!

 

I still have that option and I used it before I unfriended him. I just couldn't bare the thought of him online all the time talking to his girlfriend. Deleting him was the best thing I have ever done. Unfortunately I can't delete him from my fb chat app, I don't know why. I mean, I can't see if he's online or not since we're not friends, but I can see his contact there, which unfortunately makes me see his profile picture lol

 

But I know your case is different because you work with him, so you have to contact him. Can't you go to the chat options? I think it's possible to close the chat for him.

[Whocares479]

Came to the realization that I won't get the satisfaction of ignoring him. How is everyone doing?

[hrb23]

So what a change in scenery this week has been. I've gone from being torn up about an ex that was absolutely horrible to me in many many ways to being torn up about meeting one of the nicest girls ever.

 

We started talking on Tinder on Saturday night and while we have yet to meet we have had many many great conversations. We are at the same stage in life, same interests, same goals, similar plans. We both were cheated on and have spoken about this openly. She was briefly upset by the fact I hadn't deleted pictures of my X from social media but I get that. She just wants to know that phase of my life is over.

 

I've tried on several occasions to try and initiate a meet up but she has been busy each time. Last night I got a little frustrated and ended up basically telling her I was sorry but I was scared that I was more interested in her than she was in me and I didn't wanna be hurt again. I told her I was sorry for coming on so strong and pushing her away and that I was going to back off now.

 

This morning she texted me good morning but didn't respond to anything I had said until just now. She said that I shouldn't be scared and need to just go with the flow.

 

I'm so worried that this disgustingly terrible ex I let myself get so absorbed in has put me in a place where I can't be a normal human being towards someone I really like. It's like I've lost all of my instincts and just say/do irrational things. I really like this girl I've met but I don't know how to progress.

[1a1a]

I've been having self sabotaging thoughts like "here I am, swiping sadly through this app, while he is all happy with the woman of his dreams which he met organically and out of the blue". I know I can't keep comparing myself to him and it's just my ego talking... but it sucks lol

 

Definitely can't place the comparison game, as folks are fond of saying around here, you're comparing your insides to his outsides. Don't just settle for swiping sadly, think about the kind of guy you would like to attract, craft a thoughtful ok cupid profile that might attract that kind of guy, think of three new things you would like to try which will bring you into contact with new people, try and make One of those things something that you think guys you might like, might also be doing ( this one is worth noting because the kind of guy I think I want to date, well it's incredibly unlikely that he will be doing hip hop dancing hahahaha). Be mindful that the primary objective of the three new things is to be doing something, with secondary objective being to interact socially with new people (and a twin tertiary objective of coming into contact with potential new friends or partners.)

 

I still have that option and I used it before I unfriended him.

 

So unfaaaaaair. The singular disabling of chat is well and truly gone on my browser, maybe i updated, (or need to update) and it wrecked it. New plan, 3 scab bumping strikes and he's out (that is to say, if seeing his face makes me sad 3 more times I have to unfriend!!!!) Plenty of other ways for me to contact him for work things, no drama.

 

 

Came to the realization that I won't get the satisfaction of ignoring him. How is everyone doing?

 

You don't want to satisfactorily be ignoring, you want to become so immersed in your own life that you forget he exists. Same challenge for you that I gave to Annia, if either of you are willing to accept it (I am taking this challenge for myself toooo).

 

 

 

I'm so worried that this disgustingly terrible ex I let myself get so absorbed in has put me in a place where I can't be a normal human being towards someone I really like. It's like I've lost all of my instincts and just say/do irrational things. I really like this girl I've met but I don't know how to progress.

 

Is there an ex shaped hole in your heart? There very much was the first time my ex left me, and it was Huuuuge and cavernous, and empty for a very long time. And I knew that I couldn't fill it with another person, I needed to fill it with me, but I didn't know how, and I limped along, throwing most of my energy into making new friends, and that worked ok but not great because when I was alone again I felt as lonely as ever, and after a while, I fancied that the hole had started to mend over, but very poorly, like a badly knitted bone or a whole lot of scar tissue. I believe now, the hole needs to be filled with many things, my ambition, my friends, my hobbies, my passions, creativity. I also believe that the hole in heart heals better and faster with support!!! (Which I did not have the first time around, but do have this time). If there is a hole in your heart too, you need to fill it with you. If you want her to fill it you will sooner or later freak her out and she will run away, you already know what you need to do, slow yourself down, look for reciprocity, be a person who can be content by himself (if this is a lie, pretend), don't come onto her stronger than she comes on to you and don't look to her to replace the place your ex occupied.

 

 

And how am I doing? I should have been in bed an hour ago and I still need to load the van for a hire job arrrrgh (and the work pressure is keeping my mind off the lonely...actually, lonely is not the right word. I just still feel untethered in a way that makes me feel anxious, being single makes me feel anxious).

 

I have swiped a little more, two matches but I haven't been brave enough to message either of them. Then someone started a thread on a poly facebook page I frequent saying post your photo and we'll rate it with emojis. I could use a little bit of validation, picture posted. Handful of replies, so far only ladies saying I'm hot though eh heh. Outside of OLD, and outside of dating period, poked my head into a live show today. Bust for socialising but at least I went. Playing a show of my own tomorrow, sent out a bunch of messages inviting friend people to come today, even if only a couple come, should be good socialising night. Doing the out of the house, interacting with people thing!! Yep!

[Whocares479]

Definitely can't place the comparison game, as folks are fond of saying around here, you're comparing your insides to his outsides. Don't just settle for swiping sadly, think about the kind of guy you would like to attract, craft a thoughtful ok cupid profile that might attract that kind of guy, think of three new things you would like to try which will bring you into contact with new people, try and make One of those things something that you think guys you might like, might also be doing ( this one is worth noting because the kind of guy I think I want to date, well it's incredibly unlikely that he will be doing hip hop dancing hahahaha). Be mindful that the primary objective of the three new things is to be doing something, with secondary objective being to interact socially with new people (and a twin tertiary objective of coming into contact with potential new friends or partners.)

 

 

 

So unfaaaaaair. The singular disabling of chat is well and truly gone on my browser, maybe i updated, (or need to update) and it wrecked it. New plan, 3 scab bumping strikes and he's out (that is to say, if seeing his face makes me sad 3 more times I have to unfriend!!!!) Plenty of other ways for me to contact him for work things, no drama.

 

 

 

 

You don't want to satisfactorily be ignoring, you want to become so immersed in your own life that you forget he exists. Same challenge for you that I gave to Annia, if either of you are willing to accept it (I am taking this challenge for myself toooo).

 

 

 

 

 

Is there an ex shaped hole in your heart? There very much was the first time my ex left me, and it was Huuuuge and cavernous, and empty for a very long time. And I knew that I couldn't fill it with another person, I needed to fill it with me, but I didn't know how, and I limped along, throwing most of my energy into making new friends, and that worked ok but not great because when I was alone again I felt as lonely as ever, and after a while, I fancied that the hole had started to mend over, but very poorly, like a badly knitted bone or a whole lot of scar tissue. I believe now, the hole needs to be filled with many things, my ambition, my friends, my hobbies, my passions, creativity. I also believe that the hole in heart heals better and faster with support!!! (Which I did not have the first time around, but do have this time). If there is a hole in your heart too, you need to fill it with you. If you want her to fill it you will sooner or later freak her out and she will run away, you already know what you need to do, slow yourself down, look for reciprocity, be a person who can be content by himself (if this is a lie, pretend), don't come onto her stronger than she comes on to you and don't look to her to replace the place your ex occupied.

 

 

And how am I doing? I should have been in bed an hour ago and I still need to load the van for a hire job arrrrgh (and the work pressure is keeping my mind off the lonely...actually, lonely is not the right word. I just still feel untethered in a way that makes me feel anxious, being single makes me feel anxious).

 

I have swiped a little more, two matches but I haven't been brave enough to message either of them. Then someone started a thread on a poly facebook page I frequent saying post your photo and we'll rate it with emojis. I could use a little bit of validation, picture posted. Handful of replies, so far only ladies saying I'm hot though eh heh. Outside of OLD, and outside of dating period, poked my head into a live show today. Bust for socialising but at least I went. Playing a show of my own tomorrow, sent out a bunch of messages inviting friend people to come today, even if only a couple come, should be good socialising night. Doing the out of the house, interacting with people thing!! Yep!

 

Ah man I wish I could come!! I accept the challenge. Also, take a chance and message them back. When you don't make any attempts, you've already striked out.