Annia Posted May 29, 2017 Share Posted May 29, 2017 Sometimes committing to a short period of time feels more doable than letting go forever. Exactly. For me thinking about reaching a certain amount of days as a goal serves me well. After those days I stop counting and I intend to continue NC. If he ever reaches me (which he won't because I told him that I needed NC and space to heal and move on), I'll think about it. But at the moment I just want to stop feeling urges and get this detox. But yes, I agree that after a while counting days does worse than good and during this time I have to work on myself and shift my focus to other things and people. Link to comment
1a1a Posted May 29, 2017 Share Posted May 29, 2017 Nah, only yourself. But I swear you will get stronger. Each new disappointing interaction with her is slowly but surely going to erode your love, that's what happened for me. You shouldn't get petty though, be better than that, stop looking in her direction and focus on yourself and people who love your face. Link to comment
Whocares479 Posted May 30, 2017 Author Share Posted May 30, 2017 I actually have a date tomorrow... is it too soon? I've known this guy for a while and kept turning him down because I felt I wasn't ready. Then I found myself accepting. I feel ready, and I know I'm over him. I am scared of being hurt again though That's awesome!! How did it go? Link to comment
Whocares479 Posted May 30, 2017 Author Share Posted May 30, 2017 Why are you scared? You made it pass 30 days nc, we both made it passed 30 days nc i had a minor set back when my ex contacted me after the 30 day threshold lol, i say don't worry about counting anymore once you made it that far, thats what i did.. I stopped counting after 30. The goal was 30 days of no contact right? You did it!!! You are strong enough to handle anything else being thrown your way. Remember the no contact was for you to heal and i say if you lost count than thats a great thing because now you're not worried about how long or how many days you and your ex didn't speak. Do you want him to reach out? What if he does and like what happened to me a couple of days ago. What if he still feels the same way he felt when you first started no contact? Believe me that wasn't a good feeling hearing from her to find out she still don't wanna get back together You are strong and you don't need him, you don't even want him anymore. Just live your life and don't worry about keeping count anymore.. If he does reach out and you don't like the reasons for doing so, just dont respond because its BREADCRUMBS!! You deserve better than him you are beautiful and kind person and your true love is out there waiting for your arrival. Take care and thank you for starting this WHOLE THING HERE!!! You helped a lot of people including me and if it means anything to you.. I just wanna say i am proud and glad i met such a gentle lovable soul.. You are as we say in new york.. "wifey" material.. Be well You are such a sweetheart!! I love New York people!! So authentic and down to earth!. You are right. I have been hoping he reached out, however, I just realized he's blocked on everything so he can't even contact me if he tried. Wifey material??? Oooooooo that is so sweet. That is a huge compliment because after him I felt like a one night stand. So thanks for bringing light to my day. Link to comment
Whocares479 Posted May 30, 2017 Author Share Posted May 30, 2017 Maybe because counting was like still having a toe on that firm ground that was - being a person who is partnered (even though you know you want/have to leave that ground). You lost track, you're really doing it, truly a complete and independent person who's getting on with living (same as meee, same as all of us). I don't know about anyone else but I Still feel untethered sometimes. I can only hope that feeling fades,I'm sure it will. I think it's because I am slowly forgetting him. I miss him more days than other but ut slowly subside. I hope you are well! Link to comment
Whocares479 Posted May 30, 2017 Author Share Posted May 30, 2017 There is no such a thing as 30 day nc. Does it mean you can forget all the wrong doings and call your abuser as if you like to be treated that wsy? You cut contact and you will never call again. You'll ignore his reach outs only if they involve some seious apology you can reply if you want to. I am on 5months no contact now she only reached out several times last month(. After 4 months) saying I miss you. I ignored. You will do the same when he reaces out. He will. Do not set nc days. So you'd be willing to waste those days thinking about nonsense stuff. Accept that it is over and see it as moving on day 1 not no contact day 1. Please note you have to join the gym. This is so important to move on. You cant last more than 7 days? Here is your opportunity to grow and prove it to yourself that you are beyyer than what you think you are and you are. Give YOURSELF that chance to hrow stronger and better. Not to be rude but you are incredibly late and everything you decided to give me advice on I have learned from. I appreciate all advice. However, setting that 30 day mark really helped me to move on and I wouldn't change it for the world. I have grown from that girl who couldn't last more than 7 days and I wish you would of read the entire forum before you comment. I do not HAVE to join the gym, it is a choice that works for some people not all. I wish you all the best! Link to comment
Whocares479 Posted May 30, 2017 Author Share Posted May 30, 2017 Sometimes committing to a short period of time feels more doable than letting go forever. I agree!! Take baby steps!! Link to comment
Annia Posted May 30, 2017 Share Posted May 30, 2017 Today I made a mental list of things that make it so that we would never work if we had stayed together and even if I didn't move abroad. It helps to do this, because I'm still infatuated with the fantasy I have made of him... the fantasy of a perfect man. Don't get me wrong, he's an amazing person, but he's not the perfect "angel" that I made him to be in my mind. In fact he has some short comings that could make it so that we wouldn't be compatible. I imagine him changing all that stuff with her, but I need to just think about how he was with me and the things he told me about himself. I want a good partner, so I need to focus on what I want and not in what I think I have lost. Link to comment
Annia Posted May 31, 2017 Share Posted May 31, 2017 3 days in on my pure NC resolution (no contact and no snooping online). I still think about him several times a day and a lot, but at least I'm feeling more hopeful and I don't feel like snooping his public fb stuff, hers or his website... I actually see the snooping as fire. Why should I put my hands on the fire? To get hurt again and reopen my wounds? Actually, knowing that I made this resolution here besides the fact that I want to heal, I don't want to disappoint you guys, so that gives me even more strength lol Link to comment
1a1a Posted June 1, 2017 Share Posted June 1, 2017 The snooping is totally fire and you rock for making that connection!! Link to comment
hrb23 Posted June 1, 2017 Share Posted June 1, 2017 Today I made a mental list of things that make it so that we would never work if we had stayed together and even if I didn't move abroad. This is great. I did the same. I still want to move and go live elsewhere and try something new and would not have been able to do that with her. She's very family orientated and wants to stay in the same place. The one thing that keeps haunting me is those words, "I love him and want to be with him forever." To hear that from someone that was intimate with me and told me they loved me less than a month ago really hurts. Especially a person I'd built so much with for over a year. I had envisioned a future with this person and now she's telling me she wants to spend forever with someone that she left me for. I wish I could burn those thoughts away but they're stuck. Link to comment
eidetic Posted June 1, 2017 Share Posted June 1, 2017 "I love him and want to be with him forever." This is stupid talk. Nobody gets to be that sure all the time, and certainly not forever. Think of it as a trending statement, and give it a few months. The rainbows will wear off and this guy will turn out to be as human and annoying as anyone else. He will disappoint. Everyone does; even a good relationship has challenges. The statement was meant to hurt or deflect you, and also, people say all kinds of stupid things when they are defensive. The sad and funny part of this is that down the road you will likely have the last laugh, even if it doesn't solve anything. A more mature person or one with integrity would not have needed or volunteered to make a statement like that to you, and so it doesn't sound likely that the relationship is forever. Distance yourself from it if you can. I know it hurts; been there. Link to comment
1a1a Posted June 1, 2017 Share Posted June 1, 2017 Eidetic has this nailed. Trending statement, I love it!! I think I have inadvertently undergone exposure therapy with my ex, since I keep having to see him for work things. Today was him showing me how to use a lighting set up a venue I'll be filling in for him at on Saturday. Some habits die hard, before, I insisted on coffee because I have a cold and it's making me lethargic. When I got to the coffee place his hair was a terrible matted mess and my knee jerk reaction is "can I pull that apart for you". He said sure and I fiddled for a moment but then my coffee came and it was time to drink and work. After we got food, my invitation. But he wouldn't let me finish the hair job. We didn't part ways where I thought we would, I guess because I had suggested I come with him to buy hair product to try and remoisturise it and he must have concluded that yes 1a1a will come product shopping. So when I went for juice he came with, and when he wasn't leaving I went to do this hair product mission while my juice was being made. So by extension I kinda thought he would come to retrieve juice with me and Then we would part ways but nah, once he had his things he left. And this bothered me enough to notice and describe it here in minute detail, but it did not trigger even so much as a le of tears or throat lumpiness. My head stayed full of work thoughts (just how I like it). And some one from Ok Cupid suggested meeting in person. We hadn't done anything more than small talk and I am ambivalent but I will go. Either he will look and or feel good in person or he won't but I won't know if I don't go. There's a couple of other guys who've been talking to me but none has made that leap. And I could, but eh, none of them intrigue me That much (or I am not desperate enough). In the realms of other social connections, I had been thinking for a while that I would like to buy my extroverted friend some bath bombs because she's going through a hard time too and she has no money for self care (and I think she would buy bath bombs to treat herself if she could). Then I also thought, I shouldn't just give them to her when we're hanging out and she has company and she feels good, I should wrap them up and give them to her with instructions to not open until the next time she really wants company and everyone is busy. Finally did it and gave them the other day and got a message tonight saying thank you Link to comment
Annia Posted June 2, 2017 Share Posted June 2, 2017 This is great. I did the same. I still want to move and go live elsewhere and try something new and would not have been able to do that with her. She's very family orientated and wants to stay in the same place. The one thing that keeps haunting me is those words, "I love him and want to be with him forever." To hear that from someone that was intimate with me and told me they loved me less than a month ago really hurts. Especially a person I'd built so much with for over a year. I had envisioned a future with this person and now she's telling me she wants to spend forever with someone that she left me for. I wish I could burn those thoughts away but they're stuck. It's better that you make sure that she has no chance of telling you anything about her life. NC all the way and no social media snooping. I'm at day 5 of that resolution (but more than a month since the last time I talked to him) and it still hurts but I can feel that this is the way to move on. Link to comment
hrb23 Posted June 2, 2017 Share Posted June 2, 2017 I understand how stupid it is what she said but it still hurts just to read those words. I know that she has moved on from me now so what she said had a real impact on me. I'm still praying for a resolution for myself. I just want to be as happy as I was when I was happy with her. As soon as that happens I know I will no longer care. But the not knowing if or when I will find that is really painful. I hate online dating and feel so awkward talking to people IRL now because of how bruised my confidence is. I worry that this will never change Link to comment
Whocares479 Posted June 3, 2017 Author Share Posted June 3, 2017 3 days in on my pure NC resolution (no contact and no snooping online). I still think about him several times a day and a lot, but at least I'm feeling more hopeful and I don't feel like snooping his public fb stuff, hers or his website... I actually see the snooping as fire. Why should I put my hands on the fire? To get hurt again and reopen my wounds? Actually, knowing that I made this resolution here besides the fact that I want to heal, I don't want to disappoint you guys, so that gives me even more strength lol Keep up the great work! I am proud of you taking this seriously! Link to comment
Whocares479 Posted June 4, 2017 Author Share Posted June 4, 2017 It's crazy how ONE bad night can undo 30+ days of progress. Gosh.. Link to comment
MyLifeMyChoice Posted June 4, 2017 Share Posted June 4, 2017 It's crazy how ONE bad night can undo 30+ days of progress. Gosh.. Oh no! I went out last night, got drunk, and was almost tempted to call him, but I deleted his number, so THANK GOD!!! What happened with you? Link to comment
hrb23 Posted June 4, 2017 Share Posted June 4, 2017 It's crazy how ONE bad night can undo 30+ days of progress. Gosh.. I'm sorry to hear that. Whatever it was though, you're better than it, good luck in getting back on track. Link to comment
Whocares479 Posted June 4, 2017 Author Share Posted June 4, 2017 Hey guys I didn't contact him and I haven't heard from him. I did realize something though. He is blocked so even if he has contacted me I wouldn't know which made me feel a little better. However, last night I had the LONGEST dream about him. My heart was broken in the dream, therefore, I woke up broken. It was basically me and him coming in contact, and I showed him my new look (I went blonde) and he basically told me he liked how I used to look better. Which reminded me of him always insulting me. Then two women came up to me and told me how he was talking to all of us at the same time and we were going to plot against him, however, one of the girls wind up betraying us and went back to him. He started to ignore my calls and texts again leaving me speechless. This reminds me of how we stopped talking the the first place. Guys, I know you are probably thinking "It was a dream so what?", but it resembled our actual relationship so much except for the other women part. I am not sure that he cheated, it is very likely though. This showed me that he still effects me, ALOT. I don't know, sorry for being stupid everyone. Link to comment
Whocares479 Posted June 4, 2017 Author Share Posted June 4, 2017 Oh no! I went out last night, got drunk, and was almost tempted to call him, but I deleted his number, so THANK GOD!!! What happened with you? I am happy you didn't !! Link to comment
Whocares479 Posted June 4, 2017 Author Share Posted June 4, 2017 I'm sorry to hear that. Whatever it was though, you're better than it, good luck in getting back on track. Thank you for the kind words...I'll be okay. I just feel like I am mourning the lost of the same person twice. For some reason I feel like I ACTUALLY broke NC and got burned. Link to comment
hrb23 Posted June 4, 2017 Share Posted June 4, 2017 Thank you for the kind words...I'll be okay. I just feel like I am mourning the lost of the same person twice. For some reason I feel like I ACTUALLY broke NC and got burned. Perhaps the dream was your subconscious showing you how breaking NC would affect you if you were to ever take that path. You know how the dream felt without actually having to endure the pain of knowing it happened. Take this pain and use it as motivation to never break NC and ensure you can completely heal. Link to comment
Annia Posted June 4, 2017 Share Posted June 4, 2017 Oh no! I went out last night, got drunk, and was almost tempted to call him, but I deleted his number, so THANK GOD!!! What happened with you? Don't even tell me... I'm on 7th day of pure NC. This weekend I went to a bacherolette party with some girlfriends. I was the only single one there and they even made some jokes about me being single for so long (they don't know about what happened with this last guy that I'm recovering from). I drank a lot with them and felt lonely and sad and it crossed my mind to text him and even tell him I miss him, but I didn't do nothing and waited for the alcohol effect to pass... I really can't break this NC nor snoop their social media anymore. Link to comment
Annia Posted June 4, 2017 Share Posted June 4, 2017 Hey guys I didn't contact him and I haven't heard from him. I did realize something though. He is blocked so even if he has contacted me I wouldn't know which made me feel a little better. However, last night I had the LONGEST dream about him. My heart was broken in the dream, therefore, I woke up broken. It was basically me and him coming in contact, and I showed him my new look (I went blonde) and he basically told me he liked how I used to look better. Which reminded me of him always insulting me. Then two women came up to me and told me how he was talking to all of us at the same time and we were going to plot against him, however, one of the girls wind up betraying us and went back to him. He started to ignore my calls and texts again leaving me speechless. This reminds me of how we stopped talking the the first place. Guys, I know you are probably thinking "It was a dream so what?", but it resembled our actual relationship so much except for the other women part. I am not sure that he cheated, it is very likely though. This showed me that he still effects me, ALOT. I don't know, sorry for being stupid everyone. You didn't do anything wrong. There are times when we have awful dreams about our exes, it's perfectly normal that we are affected by them. Dreams are sometimes symptoms of our fears and emotions. I hope you'll eventually feel better. You've been making lots of progress. Link to comment
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