30 days of No Contact log ( Think I can do it?)

[Whocares479]

Perhaps the dream was your subconscious showing you how breaking NC would affect you if you were to ever take that path. You know how the dream felt without actually having to endure the pain of knowing it happened. Take this pain and use it as motivation to never break NC and ensure you can completely heal.

 

I love your perspective!! It definitely made me so proud that I haven't broke NC. Things will go terrible. Thank you for your support. How are you?

[Whocares479]

You didn't do anything wrong. There are times when we have awful dreams about our exes, it's perfectly normal that we are affected by them. Dreams are sometimes symptoms of our fears and emotions. I hope you'll eventually feel better. You've been making lots of progress.

 

Thanks for the reassurance. You have been a huge help on my journey and I can't thank you enough. Do you think pure NC is helping you heal faster?

[Annia]

Thanks for the reassurance. You have been a huge help on my journey and I can't thank you enough. Do you think pure NC is helping you heal faster?

 

Thank you! You've been helping me a lot too.

 

I think it's helping because when I was snooping his social media I was feeling like crap and feeling like I was getting back to square one each time I did it. Not contacting him is also helping because if we were still in contact I know I'd feel more bitter and I'd think too much about our interaction or have hope things would change. For me NC has been of great help. I'm still hurting of course and I miss him, but I think it'd be a 1000 worse if I wasn't sticking to NC completely.

[hrb23]

I love your perspective!! It definitely made me so proud that I haven't broke NC. Things will go terrible. Thank you for your support. How are you?

 

I'm doing okay. I wish she would text me because I still love and miss her but she doesn't care about me and never really did. I think I'm scared more than anything. I keep going back to mistakes I made during the relationship and then post relationship and blaming myself for all the bad that I'm currently enduring. I let myself sink into a really dark place and it pushed her away for good but I think that happened for a reason. I'm proud knowing that I really did put my all into saving the relationship when it would have been easy and advisable to just walk away.

 

Today I started a "Recovery plan" to get myself feeling better. Gonna work on it for the next month and see where it gets me. Here is what I have committed to.

 

1. Improved Diet (no more takeout 5 days a week)

2. Gym schedule (time to get back into great shape so I look and feel better)

3. Soccer (doing what I love can never hurt)

4. Tidy and rearranged bedroom (I can't move out but I can change it so it doesn't feel like it did when I was with her. Also living in a mess makes me feel like my life is a mess.)

5. Focus on work (It's what pays the bills)

6. 3 Hour cell phone rule (Only allowed to use cell phone at 9a, 12p, 3p, 6p, 9p and 12a.) with one extra rule

7. NO SOCIAL MEDIA (deactivated all accounts and deleted all apps.)

8. Hygiene (Take better care of my appearance, again look and feel better)\

[hrb23]

It's weird. It's been maybe 2 or 3 days of NC and I already feel like I'm losing count. I think I'm just tired. Exhausted even. Of everything.

[Annia]

I'm doing okay. I wish she would text me because I still love and miss her but she doesn't care about me and never really did. I think I'm scared more than anything. I keep going back to mistakes I made during the relationship and then post relationship and blaming myself for all the bad that I'm currently enduring. I let myself sink into a really dark place and it pushed her away for good but I think that happened for a reason. I'm proud knowing that I really did put my all into saving the relationship when it would have been easy and advisable to just walk away.

 

Today I started a "Recovery plan" to get myself feeling better. Gonna work on it for the next month and see where it gets me. Here is what I have committed to.

 

1. Improved Diet (no more takeout 5 days a week)

2. Gym schedule (time to get back into great shape so I look and feel better)

3. Soccer (doing what I love can never hurt)

4. Tidy and rearranged bedroom (I can't move out but I can change it so it doesn't feel like it did when I was with her. Also living in a mess makes me feel like my life is a mess.)

5. Focus on work (It's what pays the bills)

6. 3 Hour cell phone rule (Only allowed to use cell phone at 9a, 12p, 3p, 6p, 9p and 12a.) with one extra rule

7. NO SOCIAL MEDIA (deactivated all accounts and deleted all apps.)

8. Hygiene (Take better care of my appearance, again look and feel better)\

 

This is amazing! I need to set a "recovering plan" for myself too, because lately I've been feeling so unmotivated.

 

Lately I've been feeling resentful and have been imagining conversations with him in my head where I express my resentment and pain he has caused me and basically make him feel guilty. I'm ashamed of these thoughts because I know they are silly, extremely immature and it doesn't do me well. I took the breaking up in a very mature way with him and in our last conversations I was nothing but kind to him, even so that he said that I took it all so well and was so mature about it and it was something that he had never experienced with previous girls in the past and that made me even more especial than he already knew I was...but now I just feel resentful and angry inside. And just by typing what he said about me taking it so well, I'm starting to cry lol

 

Anyway, day 9 of total NC here. I'm still making that connection in my mind that contacting him or snooping social media or his website is like fire that will burn me if I do, so I'm still avoiding even though sometimes I have urges.

[hrb23]

This is amazing! I need to set a "recovering plan" for myself too, because lately I've been feeling so unmotivated.

 

Lately I've been feeling resentful and have been imagining conversations with him in my head where I express my resentment and pain he has caused me and basically make him feel guilty. I'm ashamed of these thoughts because I know they are silly, extremely immature and it doesn't do me well. I took the breaking up in a very mature way with him and in our last conversations I was nothing but kind to him, even so that he said that I took it all so well and was so mature about it and it was something that he had never experienced with previous girls in the past and that made me even more especial than he already knew I was...but now I just feel resentful and angry inside. And just by typing what he said about me taking it so well, I'm starting to cry lol

 

Anyway, day 9 of total NC here. I'm still making that connection in my mind that contacting him or snooping social media or his website is like fire that will burn me if I do, so I'm still avoiding even though sometimes I have urges.

 

Nasty or nice, you can't take a word he says as gospel, people say all sorts of things to 'get off the hook'.

 

My ex told me several times towards the end of our relationship that I'm the 'only one that mattered' despite being in contact with her X and talking to a new guy. Now she's with the new guy and I'm supposed to believe I was the only one that mattered?

 

I'm not really resentful anymore. Just a little low on self esteem. Trying to build that back up.

[Annia]

Nasty or nice, you can't take a word he says as gospel, people say all sorts of things to 'get off the hook'.

 

My ex told me several times towards the end of our relationship that I'm the 'only one that mattered' despite being in contact with her X and talking to a new guy. Now she's with the new guy and I'm supposed to believe I was the only one that mattered?

 

I'm not really resentful anymore. Just a little low on self esteem. Trying to build that back up.

 

You're right. I think what I resent is that he told me all those amazing things about me, all the "it's not you, it's me and the timing" and all the compliments, and I just feel that it was just to get off the hook like you say and so that I didn't feel so hurt or ended up bothering him and his new relationship. I know that I was great with him even during the break up, more than many women would have been, but even so, it's just those things that people say to make the other person feel better and to avoid being the "bad guy".

 

I get his point and I respect it and there were circumstances and bad timing that made it very hard for us to work so he made the right choice in the end, but it just hurts so bad being left for someone else, regardless of the situation. It's like I get the "consolation price" of "one of the best people he ever met"/"so special"/"one of the best things he had with someone"... why do I care about it, you ended up finding someone else and instantly leaving me for her, so you can take your consolation prize and put it someone else, I don't want it lol

[1a1a]

Hey guys I didn't contact him and I haven't heard from him. I did realize something though. He is blocked so even if he has contacted me I wouldn't know which made me feel a little better. However, last night I had the LONGEST dream about him. My heart was broken in the dream, therefore, I woke up broken. It was basically me and him coming in contact, and I showed him my new look (I went blonde) and he basically told me he liked how I used to look better. Which reminded me of him always insulting me. Then two women came up to me and told me how he was talking to all of us at the same time and we were going to plot against him, however, one of the girls wind up betraying us and went back to him. He started to ignore my calls and texts again leaving me speechless. This reminds me of how we stopped talking the the first place. Guys, I know you are probably thinking "It was a dream so what?", but it resembled our actual relationship so much except for the other women part. I am not sure that he cheated, it is very likely though. This showed me that he still effects me, ALOT. I don't know, sorry for being stupid everyone.

 

Dreams are the devil for this. Even worse than dreams like the one you had are ones where you dream your ex or someone you know and like tells you actually they do like you and you wake up feeling loved and wanted and realise it was a dream and that feeling evaporates. I had quite a few of those in the months after ex left me the first time.

 

I'm glad he was a total jerk in your dream, I do think it is your subconscious processing the idea that he is no good for you. But I'm sorry it made you feel low. I hope that feeling passed quickly.

[1a1a]

Don't even tell me... I'm on 7th day of pure NC. This weekend I went to a bacherolette party with some girlfriends. I was the only single one there and they even made some jokes about me being single for so long (they don't know about what happened with this last guy that I'm recovering from). I drank a lot with them and felt lonely and sad and it crossed my mind to text him and even tell him I miss him, but I didn't do nothing and waited for the alcohol effect to pass... I really can't break this NC nor snoop their social media anymore.

 

Blaaahhhh, I'm giving your friends so much side eye for that gentle ribbing, they should be more supportive!! So So glad you didn't text but I do think this might be a sign for you to expand your friend network. Never hurts to meet more people right?

 

but now I just feel resentful and angry inside. And just by typing what he said about me taking it so well, I'm starting to cry lol

 

Next time you're feeling a feeling like that, I reckon, write it all down in a letter to him that you never send (you can burn it instead yay fire). It's better to get that stuff out than keep it in your head. Even just writing about it here and it making you cry, still, necessary catharsis.

[1a1a]

Today I started a "Recovery plan" to get myself feeling better. Gonna work on it for the next month and see where it gets me. Here is what I have committed to.

 

Recovery plan sounds very promising How are you going with it? Similar vein, my friend said she and I should start keeping a goals diary. One goal a day to start with. End of the night write down the next days goal and thoughts and feelings about the day just been with bonus doodles and art and scrap book style decoration. I honestly haven't written anything down yet but for two days before work wiped me out, I did mentally set myself a small goal and did it and felt better for doing it (one day get to bed before 2am, next day, bring in the washing before work). I need to get back into it

[1a1a]

So I am very low mood tonight, I think I've been descending towards this for some time. I have been trying to get more people in after I let myself get underpeopled. Doing, ok, I guess maybe right now I'm on a maintenance level of social interaction, holding steady but I need more connection than this to feel truly good.

 

I had a cold, spent the second half of last week nursing it, had two really full on days of work after which I was totally wiped, really spent the last 3 days recovering, although there has been social interaction each day, and a date on Monday (verdict, nope), and a guitar lesson which doesn't quite come under social hobby but it is kind of a hobby thing (that I have started up again with an ulterior motive which is to be in the face of the guitar teacher because I want his band to take me on tour and I even offered to pay for myself and I still haven't heard back from them!! *glares*)

 

I saw couples being fireily sexually attracted to each other on TV and missed that. I saw couples being coupley and affectionate at band practice and missed that. I am increasingly regretting not getting to know this guy that expressed interest in me late last year (when my head and heart where still full of my undeserving ex), now he lives in another state so that ship has sailed. I think I'm maxed out the potential of online dating for now, the people who did connect with me there, are So Boring!

 

And that brings me to today. Today I had to drive to ex's to get a whole lot of audio data. On the drive over I was wondering about watching an episode of show we watched together while it transferred, and or, could I ask him for a neck massage? Awfully coupley but my neck is super sore. And there's still this Cursed glimmer or hope. Why is there? Why can't it feck off? This is a person who didn't even care to try and save the friendship. He doesn't love you!!! He doesn't value you.

 

When I arrive I find he has a lady friend in the lounge, she's driven 700km to visit him. It's the awful thought I had last year about him finding another partner and them being totally comfy homebodies together in his lounge co puttering and watching TV and not constantly asking him to come out and Doooo things like I used to manifest!! Except when she goes out for a smoke I ask him what the deal is? And is there Romance and I find out she came over to watch his band play last weekend and there is no romance. I ask him if he would tell me if there was romance and he says "probably not" and in that moment, my face within a metre of his face, I realise there's a wall up and I am on the wrong side of it. But i don't realise I've realised that yet, my knee jerk response is incredulous, why wouldn't you tell me? Don't you know that would make it easier to get over you?! "Oh, I suppose I will tell you now". On being asked he said he wouldn't really care if I had romance. Which I already knew. That lack of caring is his ambivalence manifest. It's bad, I wish he did care, I wish a lot of things. I felt pretty sad by this point but I couldn't leave yet because 100gb of data takes a long time to copy. Then I had another thought which was along the lines of why does this person, who puts No effort out there into the world to try and make connections with people, why does he get someone driving from interstate to visit him? I don't get interstate visitors. I feel like I put all this energy into trying to make connections with people and come up empty handed a lot, and here is this person who puts in like negative energy, WITH COMPANIONSHIP! It's not fair!

 

I picked up a couple of data points while I was there, she had considered going to the zoo and her and my ex could meet in town after and get food, and she was glad she didn't because he would have run really late. And when it comes to eating, they're stuck ordering pizza again, and I remembered how limited my exs palette is and wasn't envious of that. And by the time it was time for me to leave, I felt like exs friend and I should be friends instead because I would actually reciprocate her friendship. But also, like ex should make the effort to go somewhere with her and I'm standing in the drive way saying "it's her last night, you Have to take her somewhere!". And then as I was driving off I was wondering why I did that. Why can't I just be sad about being rejected? Why am I still trying to help him?!!! Was I trying to help him? Or trying to help his friend?!

 

I told my fwb who is traditionally a pretty bad person to tell things too because he never says anything very consoling. But this time he said exactly the right thing which is "why would you want to be interstate friend" (sitting on that couch going no where doing nothing stuck eating pizza for a second night in a row). And then I told another friend and said that I felt like ex had just been feeling lonely when we reconnected and it's not my companionship specifically that he missed. And she said, "you're your own unique kind of companionship and he couldn't keep up". That was quite a nice way of framing it.

 

Still, flaaaaaat, missing what could have been.

[Annia]

1a1a, sometimes watching passionate couples on TV or in real life also makes me miss that.

 

Is there a way of you having less contact with your ex? Like going to neutral places to pick up things for work and such? And why do you want to know about his love life and you're asking him to tell you about it? You're hurting, friendship with him is impossible, at least for now, and you being so involved and trying to know about his life and interacting with him more than necessary is delaying your healing and is only making things worse. It keeps you hooked on the hope and sets you up for disappointment.

 

Even if your ex wants to keep you around you need to think about yourself first and your well being. These small bites of contact and this "pseudo-friendship" might give you some instant relief because you want to keep the connection in hopes things get back to how they were, but at the some time it keeps hurting you and delaying your progress in the long run.

[Annia]

11th day of pure NC. Today I felt urges of checking up on him... but I don't want to get burned again so I didn't.

 

Even though my goal is 30 days of pure NC, I intend not to talk to him nor snoop his social media or website and try to know the least amount of information about him as possible at least until I move to the new country in about 4 months. However, after those 30 days I'll stop counting the days. 30 days is my short time goal but I intend to stick to it.

 

I've decided that it makes no sense to rekindle a friendship with him because I'm leaving and I don't want to feel what I felt again when I knew he had met someone who he instantly wanted to have a relationship with. I don't feel like being his friend and knowing about what he's doing with her and all that. There will be a date in which a common friend of us will invite us to celebrate the aniversary of her business, but if I'm still not over him by that time, I'll try to avoid going there.

 

It also makes no sense to be his friend because I don't feel like having a virtual pen pal and even though I feel lonely and feel that I lack people to really "cry on their shoulder", I don't see the sense in us being friends in this condition, regardless of the friendship and connection we had before.

[1a1a]

We're already dialed back to pretty much just work (I don't get random messages anymore and nor do I send them). I think, because even though it would really drive home that he doesn't love me, to know he has someone else, at least I could stop eyeing off the vacancy where a partner could be and wondering. This is twice now he's dumped me in favour of being alone, it's an alien concept to me.

 

The neutral space for exchanges is still a really good idea

 

I do want to be my ex's friend because the friendship felt so right before we messed it up again but I'm not as lonely as I used to be. I certainly don't need his friendship, I definitely don't need it right now. You are right and wise to skip friendship with your ex right now Annia. If that's a thing that happens, it needs to be long after the love feelings fade.

 

 

 

My turn to have a whack dream. I dreamed a lot of convoluted things but right at the end I was resting against a fence in a car park. I open my eyes and ex is in the back seat of a car being driven by his sister. I leap up and tap on his window to ask why he wasn't in the empty passenger seat, and then "you walked right past me why didn't you say bye?"

 

"I really just didn't want to".

 

And that's probably my ex in a nutshell. Woke up two hours earlier than I meant to in tears though Bleh!!

[Annia]

I understand, but it's better if you just imagine in your head that he's with someone else if that decreases your hope, but wondering around and asking and trying to know, only keeps you hanging on and connected. Who cares if he broke up to be alone? There are reasons that we'll never know, the main thing we need to know is that the person chose not to be with us. That's the only piece of information that is relevant now.

 

I also had a dream today... I dreamed that me and him were texting each other (I broke NC in my dreams lol) and that I suddenly got the idea that he wanted to meet me and was full of hope. I was getting ready for that when he starts texting me about how amazing and perfect his girlfriend was. I then realize that I misunderstood as he kept going on and on about how wonderful she was and how she made him happy and how he wanted their relationship to be eternal.

 

I woke up feeling very uncomfortable and almost in tears.

 

This hurt, but it's a reminder that I still care about the fact that he's with someone else.

[hrb23]

I woke up with no time to think about anything! This is the way to go I think. I went to sleep at 1.30 and had to be up at 6. Last night I was hanging out with new friends from my Co-Ed team. It was fantastic. I played last night and a really cute girl from the other team came up to me after the game and told me how awesome I played. It was sooo nice of her and I spoke to her a little while but didn't have the courage to ask her if she wanted to hangout. Maybe next time!

[1a1a]

We are all having the dreams that are like *nudge nudge* this is the new normal, acclimatise, adapt. They really do sting though. I suppose each painful interaction like yesterday bring me closer to understanding the love is dead (has been dead for ages). Still feeling all the sad, please be the sad that's on the road to healing. Annia do a something nice for yourself to make up for distressing dreams!! (My nice thing was a very expensive massage, no regrets, want another!!)

 

Hrb23 I love being that busy. If you wanted to learn from my mistakes, and you know when your busy time will end, make an arrangement with a friend Now to do something then. I always find myself coasting on the busyness and then very depressed when it ends. Co-ed team hey? Perfect

[Annia]

You're right, I need to do things for me that make me feel better and take my mind of those night dreams and silly day dreams.

 

I was wondering why I think I got the short end of the stick... I might feel sad and unmotivated now, and I feel that I was replaced like I was just a convenience and all that... but hey, I'm moving to another country totally on my own in which will be the biggest adventure of my life. I took a risk, even if it is hard and I sometimes doubt if I made the right decision. We only live once and maybe getting out of my comfort zone will put all of this in perspective and make me a stronger and better person to deal with life's adversities in the future.

 

Maybe I put too much emphasis in being with someone and I'm treating this as a race or competition and feeling that I lost. But life isn't about getting first to whatever finish line we want to get... it's about the journey of discovery. And why is it so important to me to come out on top and "win the race", if maybe his finish line is totally different from mine and located in a total different place?

 

So what, he chose someone else and it hurt me, but now I have the power to choose me. And I choose being resilient, endure this and come out of this alive and better. And it doesn't matter if he sees it or not, his path is totally separated from mine, and he's on his own journey and I need to respect that and wish him well. I wish him well and I want him to be happy, but not 100% if you know what I mean... but I really want to reach those 100% someday.

[Whocares479]

Dreams are the devil for this. Even worse than dreams like the one you had are ones where you dream your ex or someone you know and like tells you actually they do like you and you wake up feeling loved and wanted and realise it was a dream and that feeling evaporates. I had quite a few of those in the months after ex left me the first time.

 

I'm glad he was a total jerk in your dream, I do think it is your subconscious processing the idea that he is no good for you. But I'm sorry it made you feel low. I hope that feeling passed quickly.

 

OH MY GOSH YES! I had that dream like within the first week of our separation. Nothing worse than being rejected than getting false hope of reconciliation due to a stupid dream ugh.

[Whocares479]

11th day of pure NC. Today I felt urges of checking up on him... but I don't want to get burned again so I didn't.

 

Even though my goal is 30 days of pure NC, I intend not to talk to him nor snoop his social media or website and try to know the least amount of information about him as possible at least until I move to the new country in about 4 months. However, after those 30 days I'll stop counting the days. 30 days is my short time goal but I intend to stick to it.

 

I've decided that it makes no sense to rekindle a friendship with him because I'm leaving and I don't want to feel what I felt again when I knew he had met someone who he instantly wanted to have a relationship with. I don't feel like being his friend and knowing about what he's doing with her and all that. There will be a date in which a common friend of us will invite us to celebrate the aniversary of her business, but if I'm still not over him by that time, I'll try to avoid going there.

 

It also makes no sense to be his friend because I don't feel like having a virtual pen pal and even though I feel lonely and feel that I lack people to really "cry on their shoulder", I don't see the sense in us being friends in this condition, regardless of the friendship and connection we had before.

 

Yea those uges will come and go but you are wayyy to strong to give into that temptation. Looking on social media can be just as detrimental to your progress direct contact.

[Whocares479]

I woke up with no time to think about anything! This is the way to go I think. I went to sleep at 1.30 and had to be up at 6. Last night I was hanging out with new friends from my Co-Ed team. It was fantastic. I played last night and a really cute girl from the other team came up to me after the game and told me how awesome I played. It was sooo nice of her and I spoke to her a little while but didn't have the courage to ask her if she wanted to hangout. Maybe next time!

 

There is always next time! There is nothing with going out there and getting to know different people!

[Annia]

Yea those uges will come and go but you are wayyy to strong to give into that temptation. Looking on social media can be just as detrimental to your progress direct contact.

 

You're right. Every time I looked at his social media or website I felt myself regressing and hurting again. Social media can be great, but at the same time is one of the worst enemies of break ups. Good were times where we wouldn't even know if our exes were alive lol

[Whocares479]

Oh my! My sentence formation was horrid! I am sorry. "Yea those urges will come and go but you are wayyy too strong to give into that temptation. Looking on social media can be just as detrimental to your progress as direct contact."

I know you already understood what I meant but I wanted to correct it anyways lol.

[Annia]

I'm struggling with day dreaming of showing him how well I am with my new life in the new country or petty stuff like that... I need some replacement thoughts... I would like to stop thinking about him in any way lol

 

Anyway, day 12 with many urges today, but I'm not going to fail this time. I'll remain totally unaware of his life for good and as much as possible.

 

I noticed something "funny" though... all my exes (except for some "non official" ones) moved away almost immediately after break up... which is a good thing that spared me from meeting them by accident while with friends or problems with hanging out with common friends. My first ex (the abusive one I've talked about here several times) ended up moving to an island in my country but far away), the second one was already in another country (we had LDR for almost half of our relationship), then moved to another one even more far away and now he's in another country too. The third one moved to an island far away too. With this one he lives like in the suburbs of my city and if I hang out with common friends there might be the danger of meeting them, but I don't hang out with them so much like before and I'm moving to another country. Lets just say that I'm always geographically free of exes lol