i need some comments

[Knight2001]

hi. i've been going through my relationship issues with A for about 4 months now (8 yr relationship) but we have argued a lot throughout our time together. to cut a long story short she seemed to be jealous of the time i spent with my daughter and my mother (A could have joined us but chose not to)

we ended up going on a relationship break (her suggestion) i lost my temper and told her i wanted all my stuff fom her house and all her stuff out of mine. once that was done i even went on a couple of dates with someone (i didnt really care for her, it was too soon and came to nothing)

so a few weeks later A sends me a text message telling me she is struggling, so i rang her - i prefer conversation to texting. we both said how we feel about each other (i dont think ill ever get over her - she was a good friend for 12 rs before we got together so she has been in my life for over 20 yrs)

next i try to sort this out for us so we can move forward, but she says she's not stable enough at the minute to make any decisions.

i dont know whether im coming or going. texts me to tell me she wants to sort this out, then she says she's not ready. i dont understand

[DancingFool]

Based on your post, she didn't tell you that she wants to sort this out, only that she is struggling. You want to sort this out, however a part of sorting things out will mean that you both need to be patient and actually work through your respective issues, starting with admitting YOUR respective roles in the conflict. It always takes two to fight.

 

So she was honest with you that she is not ready to jump back in. Now you should be busy figuring out how you could have been better yourself and managed conflict better. Right now, all I see from your brief post is that in your mind, she is the sole problem....but that's never the case in any relationship. Until you start taking some responsibility for your own role in the relationship conflict, you can't get back together successfully......actually can't even make a good decision on whether you should get back together in the first place.

[Wiseman2]

Wow agree, very confusing for her to reach out and say she needs you then continue with the 'not ready' line. Is she trying to friendzone you? What is she 'not ready' for? Reconciling? What is she 'struggling' with and what does she want from you?

A sends me a text message telling me she is struggling, so i rang her -next i try to sort this out for us so we can move forward, but she says she's not stable enough at the minute to make any decisions.

[Knight2001]

i have admitted to her where i think i went wrong - in that i didnt listen to her properly and i think that caused a lot of the conflict. she is struggling with being on her own. her house is pretty isolated and she has no friends or family close by it. maybe she does want me as a friend, but i would rather be her friend than have no contact at all with her. ill just have to be patient and see what happens.

[DancingFool]

i have admitted to her where i think i went wrong - in that i didnt listen to her properly and i think that caused a lot of the conflict. she is struggling with being on her own. her house is pretty isolated and she has no friends or family close by it. maybe she does want me as a friend, but i would rather be her friend than have no contact at all with her. ill just have to be patient and see what happens.

 

OK, but it does sound like she needs more time to sort her end and her emotions. That's normal. Not everyone moves forward at the same pace or has the same resilience and strength. Sometimes, patience is key. I mean you don't want to get right back together and fall into the same bad negative patterns. True change does take time. That said, if the foundation of your relationship was her being lonely.....then she needs to actually fix that part for herself and without leaning on you 100% for companionship. Perhaps it's what she is working through. I'll just emphasize again that BOTH of you need to come to the table with a fresh perspective or else it won't work out.

[Knight2001]

thanks, that's the way im looking at it. i think the majority of our arguments have been caused by me not listening to her. im trying to show her that i will listen but i need to gain her trust once more and to do that i will have to be patient, which i have no problem with because there is nobody else i would rather be with. thank you for your time it is much appreciated. i just hope we have not blown it. but i think we have too much to throw away.

[hyden]

...she seemed to be jealous of the time i spent with my daughter and my mother (A could have joined us but chose not to)

 

First of all, this wont change. And this is one of the biggest deal breakers I can imagine. How have you managed this behavior for 8 years?!

[coconut5]

In 8 years, have her ever talked about marriage?

[Knight2001]

the thing about my daughter has only started very recently - im confident it can be worked out somehow. A says its not the fact that she stays at my house but that we cant go out when she's there - but i have said repeatedly we can, we dont need to stay in with her.

me and A were supposed to be getting married once her divorce is sorted out. yes i know it's taken an eternity for her to arrange a divorce, but there have been valid reasons for the delay.

[boltnrun]

What??? You've been dating a married woman for 8 years???

 

What could possibly be causing an EIGHT year delay???

[Knight2001]

mainly she wanted to get enough money behind her to buy her ex out of her house. she now has that money, so the divorce is progressing. as i've said i understood what the delay was for.

[jujusamples]

the thing about my daughter has only started very recently - im confident it can be worked out somehow. A says its not the fact that she stays at my house but that we cant go out when she's there - but i have said repeatedly we can, we dont need to stay in with her.

me and A were supposed to be getting married once her divorce is sorted out. yes i know it's taken an eternity for her to arrange a divorce, but there have been valid reasons for the delay.

 

This is so complicated. I think you BOTH need time to sort this out. It's always hard when you are in the situation to think straight. If I'm getting this right, she was with you while still married for 8 years? She's now all a sudden not okay with your daughter being at your place?

She is the one that doesn't want to come along and it's unfair of her to get mad at you for spending time with you daughter. It's not normal! She is an adult, she went into the relationship knowing you have a child.. What does she expect, for you to ditch your daughter? Then I read that she's been married the whole way through your relationship with her? Please, you need to get some counselling on this woman.

[jujusamples]

mainly she wanted to get enough money behind her to buy her ex out of her house. she now has that money, so the divorce is progressing. as i've said i understood what the delay was for.

 

Now that she has enough money to buy out her ex, she's starting drama by telling you she's not okay with you spending time with your daughter? It's a bit of a double standard, no?

[boltnrun]

Where has her husband been living all this time? He's still part owner of the house, correct?

[Knight2001]

he moved out of the house years ago. she's been seperated from him for 10 yrs or so.

[Knight2001]

can i just add that when we were in touch over the weekend A asked me if my daughter was staying at my house. i said she was. the reply from A was "i hope she appreciates you organising your whole weekend to suit her". i wouldnt be doing anything else anyway, so what harm is ther in her sleeping at mine ?

i dont get it - it's like she's bitter about my daughter (who is 18) sleeping at my house. why would she be like this ? we are on a break, through A's own choice. i had stopped contact, but she kept it up and i caved in and answered her as i said at the beginning of this thead.

[DancingFool]

can i just add that when we were in touch over the weekend A asked me if my daughter was staying at my house. i said she was. the reply from A was "i hope she appreciates you organising your whole weekend to suit her". i wouldnt be doing anything else anyway, so what harm is ther in her sleeping at mine ?

i dont get it - it's like she's bitter about my daughter (who is 18) sleeping at my house. why would she be like this ? we are on a break, through A's own choice. i had stopped contact, but she kept it up and i caved in and answered her as i said at the beginning of this thead.

 

Wow....are you sure you want this woman back in your life? In your shoes I actually would have called her out on that attitude. I mean really, what is her problem? Just out of curiosity, what does your daughter think of her?

[Knight2001]

i've spoken to both of my daughters (18 & 22) and they both say how sad this all is because when me and A first got together she was reall nice, then all of a sudden they seen hardly anything of her (down to us arguing - and i am not blaming her) they both like her and think she is nice they also think she is kind, which she is. i just dont understand the problem with the 18 yr old daughter staying at mine. i dont think it's unreasonable. she has stayed there since me and her mum split up - 17yrs ago and counting.

[DancingFool]

Have you actually asked her straight out what her issue with your daughters is?

Her comment sounds very passive aggressive to me. Like she is attacking your daughter's presence but really, who knows what's actually bugging her. Might not even have anything to do with you and yours. However, you might want to consider letting her know that making snide remarks toward your family is not acceptable and a boundary she shouldn't be crossing.

 

Btw, no there is absolutely nothing wrong with an 18 year old still at home.

[Knight2001]

yes, i've said that about the 18y old. i've asked what im supposed to do, but there's no answer. A said the 18yr old should be out with her friends on a weekend. well i cant force her to go out with her friends. i've also told A we dont have to sit at home with her.

i dunno - i think im just wasting my time. i think A is trying to see how far she can go here then she's just going to disappear and there will be no reconcilliation. and right now im thinking that might not be a bad thing. she knew i had been talking to a mutual friend of ours and she asked if i had told him we'd split up. well last i knew we hadnt, we were on a break. does this now mean we've split ? who knows.

i would just like some sense.

[coconut5]

My guess is it may has nothing to do with with daughter (specially because the issue has started recently ). Something else is bugging her and she decided to push your buttons.

It might be worth to have a straight conversation with her.

[Knight2001]

what has made the sutuation worse is i now work in a different city to A. we're supposed to meet at home at the weekend (we used to work in the same city - not at home). however because of this she is expecting me to cut down the time i spend visiting my mother etc. i think this is why she is so adamant about my daughter staying. she says we dont have enough time on our own together. i had arranged more time off work to give me and A an extra day per fortnight together, but this wasnt a good thing as i wasnt cutting time down with other people - and they were her words, i havent made that up.