Not the Marriage I Expected

[Someday_Soon]

Sounds like she has taken you for granted. What you wrote in that paragraph isn't a marriage, it's slavery. It's time for you to pack up and leave...for good.

[mcnugget]

I suffer from migraines and some other health issues. They can be unpredictable and exhausting. The medications that help can knock you out. Sometimes the best cure is sleep… days of sleep. To a non-sufferer that could be confused with laziness. Health issues can be frustrating to both the sufferer and those around them. Frustrations are only worsened if doctors are unable to make an easy diagnoses and treat with a magical side-effectless pill.

 

It sounds like your wife was always fairly low sex and might have put in some extra effort for you at one point. Her health problems are worse right now than they were before which is probably making it much harder for her to go that extra mile. It sounds like a push for her to even get to work 3 days a week, but she probably does it out of necessity. If she is suffering from horrible migraines, then those 3 long shifts likely drain all of her energy for the week.

 

I would go to the best neurologist you can find. It makes a difference! See a senior doctor at a major research hospital if you can. She has low libido and energy levels as well as gastrointestinal issues; hormones might also be a factor in her migraines. I would recommend visiting an endocrinologist.

[sara-pezzini]

She doesn't even want to follow a tip which may help, as in the milkshake tip, so it seems she is fine with this playing the victim and being taken care of and not take some action and responsibility.

I know migraines, I've had them and i know how it can make you feel but i would try anything, you gotta keep going with your life and can't spend the rest of your life on the couch!

I too now have another illness that is one of the worst pains known to man and i would follow every advice i could get! If someone told me standing on my head during an attack would help i would stand on my head!

She doesn't even want to try one simple thing....... makes me think she doesn't want to!

Plus if going to the gym helps because of the movement then sex would help as well.

She doesn't seem interested in doing anything for you and like someone else said, this isn't a marriage and it will get worse.

Maybe if she knows you would leave her if nothing changes, it may shock her into action!

[surfdog]

I suffer from migraines and some other health issues. They can be unpredictable and exhausting. The medications that help can knock you out. Sometimes the best cure is sleep… days of sleep. To a non-sufferer that could be confused with laziness. Health issues can be frustrating to both the sufferer and those around them. Frustrations are only worsened if doctors are unable to make an easy diagnoses and treat with a magical side-effectless pill.

 

It sounds like your wife was always fairly low sex and might have put in some extra effort for you at one point. Her health problems are worse right now than they were before which is probably making it much harder for her to go that extra mile. It sounds like a push for her to even get to work 3 days a week, but she probably does it out of necessity. If she is suffering from horrible migraines, then those 3 long shifts likely drain all of her energy for the week.

 

I would go to the best neurologist you can find. It makes a difference! See a senior doctor at a major research hospital if you can. She has low libido and energy levels as well as gastrointestinal issues; hormones might also be a factor in her migraines. I would recommend visiting an endocrinologist.

 

 

Mcnugget, everything you said (low sex drive, extra effort for sex and pushing herself to go to work ,etc is spot on!....but she goes to the gym for two hours each time she goes (she says it helps her head).

 

I guess I'm frustrated at the lack of answers from doctors, her not getting any better and lastly our relationship has suffered in a lot of ways. To top it off she is not an overly affectionate person where as I love to give her attention but she doesn't seem to want it and does not reciprocate it back either.

[surfdog]

Plus if going to the gym helps because of the movement then sex would help as well!

 

 

Haha this is what I thought too!!

 

She is very very independent and stubborn........that's another hurdle

[Seraphim]

I would agree despite her being sick you are being taken for granted . That you're always going to coddle her . I'm not saying don't take her to a hospital when she needs one but try a little less coddling because she seems to be thinking this is awesome .

 

Although I'm pretty chronically ill I do make sure that my husband knows he is very valued . I do tell him every day how much he is loved and how much I appreciate everything he does . At the very least an I'll person can do that .

 

I will tell you there is no cure for migraines or at least pill cure. Sometimes when some women go through menopause they go away . But even that's not secure for everyone .

[surfdog]

I would agree despite her being sick you are being taken for granted . That you're always going to coddle her . I'm not saying don't take her to a hospital when she needs one but try a little less coddling because she seems to be thinking this is awesome .

 

Although I'm pretty chronically ill I do make sure that my husband knows he is very valued . I do tell him every day how much he is loved and how much I appreciate everything he does . At the very least an I'll person can do that .

 

I will tell you there is no cure for migraines or at least pill cure. Sometimes when some women go through menopause they go away . But even that's not secure for everyone .

 

 

I've tried backing off on the coddling a little, it doesn't seem to change anything (I think because she is emotionally independent)....the only issue is she doesn't need a lot of attention and she is slightly closed off as part of her personality. She is not touchy feely. I on the other hand like to give attention and to make her feel "wanted"....I like a little reciprocation too (not much but enough to know I matter to her).

[Seraphim]

It might be an issue of just really different personalities , unfortunately.

[Waraqqa]

Migraines are a serious issue. Firstly, a well-selected medication could help her. Secondly, it might not. I have the kind of migraines that meds don't help much. What helps me is: regular schedule for sleeping and getting up, daily jogging or similar exercise, and if I have a migraine attack - dark and silent quiet room to sleep it off in.

 

If she is a nurse working those 12 hour shifts, that schedule in itself could provoke a migraine.

 

Personally, I doubt it's passive-aggressiveness. It's a physical issue, and an incredibly painful one. When I'm in a deep throbs of it, it literally feels like someone cracks your skull or goes at it with an electric saw. It's an undescribably level of pain. I can't even talk when I have it, b/c talking makes it worse. So do sounds and light and smells...

 

It sometimes happens that migraine sufferers are relatively fine in one phase and then get worse at another, but then some years later get better again.

[Waraqqa]

Haha this is what I thought too!!

 

She is very very independent and stubborn........that's another hurdle

 

Sex is a different kind of movement. I never felt better from sex, but a proper run first thing in the morning did the trick. Sex is just rolling around in bed, it doesn't help anything.

[Waraqqa]

Well, I'm back couldn't stay in bed.......I suggested the milk shake to my wife and she said she would not drink it. I asked why, she said because of her Raynaud Syndrome (I'm not sure if she's actually been diagnosed with it). Then I asked how she drinks her iced tea with extra ice (2/ day) and she said, "I just do." This is part of the frustration I'm talking about. Should I be frustrated over this?

 

What I notice when dealing with my migraine, is that aside from a few ground rules I discovered through trial and error, there is really no rhyme and reason. The basic rules as I mentioned relate to schedule and exercise; also avoiding certain foods (but it's very individual: for some it's cured meats or junk food, for others it's chocolate or cheese, for others it is gluten - it is worth it to try and play around excluding various items and food groups. One of my friends had a huge relief after he completely quit gluted for 30 days).

 

But beyond the rules, it is even more important to listen to the instinct. Sometimes the body tells what it needs, and it doesn't provide explanations. For instance, there is a time when I feel a migraine coming on and suddenly have a craving for Doritos. I've no idea why. But if I eat the freaking Doritos, however illogical it may be, something works and the pain gets soothed before escalating.

[Waraqqa]

She tracks her diet, does not drink/eat caffeine or chocolate, etc.

 

My story is that I never was a coffee drinker before I started getting migraines. When I first got them, I didn't even know what the heck that was, but it was awful, and it happened several times a week. Then I noticed that on the days where some time mid-morning or so I had a small cup of coffee before a migraine starts, it actually helped to prevent it. Weirdly, if I have even a sip After it already started, then it's make me worse.

 

My sister-in-law who is a doctor told me she read about this also and tells the sufferers to try it.

[Seraphim]

And everyone's trigger is different. For me it is weather, scents and some foods, too much sleep, not enough sleep, certain types of lights etc. I can get a migraine in 30 seconds from someone's perfume, literally.

[Seraphim]

But life is filled with not expected. I personally never expected to have migraines and trigeminal neuralgia ( which is more painful than migraines) and have to take medications that leave my memory shot, make my teeth crumble in my mouth and leave me stoned all the time. I never expected to have a son with autism. But we adapt and keep going.

[Wiseman2]

Try being more of a husband than a nurse or therapist or inflicting home remedies on her. Let her go to the doctors herself. She's a nurse she can communicate and understand doctors just fine.

 

All this overbearing "doctoring" and "daddying" will absolutely kill the romance. Also, when she's not feeling well, leave her alone rather than annoy her with "what can I do?", "do you want tea"? etc etc etc.

 

What you are doing is trying to fix her so you can bring sex back. But your 'fixing' is what's killing it. Stop.

Thanks, I'll make it for her and she if she drinks it. I hope it doesn't have the opposite effect, she'll kill me!

[superfan]

OP, you sound like you love and care for her and although the original post you made came off as sounding insensitive, I don't think you intended it to be. It sounds like you have done everything you can to try and help her with her migraines. I also get that a lack of sex can be frustrating - whatever the reason.

 

I suffer from migraines. Chronic migraines. I have seen multiple neurologists, specialists, etc. and been on every kind of medication known to man. I know my triggers and do my best to avoid them (alcohol, caffeine, processed foods, too much sleep, not enough sleep, etc.) but there are also ones I cannot avoid such as weather changes and my period.

 

The thing about migraines is that the ebb and flow. When you were dating, she might have been in a "good" patch (ie. she was getting them, but they weren't daily, etc.) Maybe that has changed. It can and as others have said, sometimes there is no KNOWN reason for it.

 

When I was pregnant I had a migraine every day for the first 3 months of my pregnancy. EVERY. DAY. I still managed to go to work and function at work but when I got home, I was non functional and my husband basically had to wait on me hand and foot.

 

Have you heard of "spoon theory"?

 

 

 

TL;DR: Basically it is a way for people with chronic illnesses to describe how they get through the day. They start off with a limited amount of "spoons" as opposed to a healthy person who has unlimited "spoons". They make choices of daily activities based on how many "spoons" it will use up (do I make breakfast, or shower) etc. It is possible that by the time your wife finishes her 12 hour day she has no more "spoons" left for you.

 

I know that isn't what you maybe want to hear, but the migraines probably won't go away. They may get better at times or worse, but hoping for them to up and disappear is possibly going to leave you disappointed.

 

When I got pregnant they worsened then got slightly better. I was not able to take ANY of my medication during my pregnancy and I am still unable to take it because I am nursing. It is 20 times more difficult getting through a migraine cycle without my meds and I am not always able to function as a parent. I know my husband is probably frustrated that I am "sick all the time" but that isn't something I can help or change (believe me I wish I could).

 

It is possible as well that she doesn't respond well to your questions about her symptoms because she is feeling pressured to "get better" and she is carrying that burden as well as the burden of her illness. That can also breed resentment. There are times when I wonder if my husband is sick of me being "sick" and only asking because he has to.

 

I think if you want things to get better you need to back off and let her tell you what she needs. It might not be sex. She might not want anything to do with sex and you either have to respect that or leave. A chronic illness is not something you can just magically make disappear.

 

Good luck

[thornz]

I've got to call BS on your wife.

 

She sounds like an absolute nightmare to deal with. She can't take a suggestion to try relieve her migraine because of some other illness that is neither diagnosed, nor to my understanding, affected by the method you proposed.

 

You already had a few serious issues in your marriage beforehand and the migraines seem like a convenient excuse not to deal with them.

 

You wait on her hand and foot and she can't so much as say thank you and give you a kiss and a cuddle. I find this appaling.

 

If she's so independent as you say then leave her to deal with her health issues and take some time out to consider if she's worth the effort. No affection, no sex, no positive reception to your input, withdrawing emotionally and physically, no acknowledgement of your help. That isn't a marriage, you're a dogsbody.

 

As a chronic migraine sufferer I would do anything and I mean anything to get rid of them for good. If a doctor told me I could be operated on with a 5% chance I would die in theatre and a 95% chance I'd wake up cured I would not hesitate to do it. I can't believe your wife is as ill as she makes out.

[abitbroken]

I've got to call BS on your wife.

 

She sounds like an absolute nightmare to deal with. She can't take a suggestion to try relieve her migraine because of some other illness that is neither diagnosed, nor to my understanding, affected by the method you proposed.

 

You already had a few serious issues in your marriage beforehand and the migraines seem like a convenient excuse not to deal with them.

 

You wait on her hand and foot and she can't so much as say thank you and give you a kiss and a cuddle. I find this appaling.

 

If she's so independent as you say then leave her to deal with her health issues and take some time out to consider if she's worth the effort. No affection, no sex, no positive reception to your input, withdrawing emotionally and physically, no acknowledgement of your help. That isn't a marriage, you're a dogsbody.

 

As a chronic migraine sufferer I would do anything and I mean anything to get rid of them for good. If a doctor told me I could be operated on with a 5% chance I would die in theatre and a 95% chance I'd wake up cured I would not hesitate to do it. I can't believe your wife is as ill as she makes out.

 

Sometimes people HAVE tried everything and are at the point of just managing. and EVERYONE has a different degree of migraine suffering. Not everyone responds or is a candidate for surgery because some people's migraine's have an unknown or multiple cause and its not some blockage in the head. Some people can't have surgery for other secondary health or risk reasons. I have had a period of no migraines for 3 months. But that does not mean they won't be back. They have left for months and then all the sudden they are back and i'm vommiting again. There are also things called stomach migraines.

 

It is VERY tiring when you have a condition for people to constantly tell you how they'd fix it or what you should do - and the nonsufferer has the answers. And what problems did they have before marriage? They really didn't have any.

[KantSleep]

And what problems did they have before marriage? They really didn't have any.

She called off sex 8 months before the marriage and was too tired on their wedding night to have sex. That's a problem.

[abitbroken]

She called off sex 8 months before the marriage and was too tired on their wedding night to have sex. That's a problem.

 

If you read my other posts, i know several couples who did not have sex on their wedding nights because either being passed out due to drinking or exhaustion, or the overwhelmingness of the day. And they have lasting marriages. I know a couple who called off sex before the wedding so the first time married would feel more special since they didn't wait until marriage for sex.

[mustlovedogs]

She called off sex 8 months before the marriage and was too tired on their wedding night to have sex. That's a problem.

 

...

 

Again, many people don't have sex on their wedding night.

[Seraphim]

...

 

Again, many people don't have sex on their wedding night.

 

I didn't have sex on my wedding night either. My reception ended at 2 AM . I had to take 120 pins out of my hair and I had a migraine from hell . We went to sleep.

[Seraphim]

My mom had a migraine the night before my wedding . And we were having the reception at her house . She had been up up all night cleaning her house and at 6 AM was crawling around the floor washing it. She wanted to absolutely die but needed to be bright and happy because her only daughter was getting married .

[mustlovedogs]

I didn't have sex on my wedding night either. My reception ended at 2 AM . I had to take 120 pins out of my hair and I had a migraine from hell . We went to sleep.

 

I hear that from a lot of people. I think that's fairly normal - and shouldn't be used as a benchmark of a bad relationship. (Not saying that to argue with you, Seraphim, but in response to another post)

[Seraphim]

I hear that from a lot of people. I think that's fairly normal - and shouldn't be used as a benchmark of a bad relationship. (Not saying that to argue with you, Seraphim, but in response to another post)

Yeah, wedding night you are usually tired as hell and drunk. Best to just sleep.