A year after breakup

[Pebek]

Yes, it's been over a year since my gf of 4 1/2 years broke up with me saying she 'needed time'. I've been doing 100% NC since that time. Most of the pain is gone, but there are still times I miss her a lot. I've realized that healing is a lot about regaining self-respect and self-confidence. I still can't see myself dating other women, but I hope I will get there eventually. Everything passes, no doubt. I guess there is some light at the end of the tunnel. Deep down, I feel there's still a long way for me to go, but at the same time I see the progress I've made. Sorry for the rambling. I'm just curious to know what your impressions are.

[kskm]

I personally just passed my one year mark with my boyfriend of 5 years, and I am younger than you but he was my first everything. It was hard. I had to keep contact with him because we had bought a house, and moved to another state with just each other. I think that it would have been a lot easier with no contact. I think that you will just have to give it time. You will eventually start to see the light at the end of the tunnel. No to mention you don't want to skip from girl to girl, so it's a good thing that you took this time to reflect.

[heloladies21]

Do things at your own pace, but realize that dating other women would definitely help you get back to 100%. Even if you have to force yourself at this point, it might be a good idea to start reconnecting with the other sex. And think about it, it's possible (more likely probable) that you'll find someone who will give you everything that your ex can't.

 

She's out there waiting for you to show her the time of her life...Please don't keep her waiting to long...

[densil]

Hi Pebek,

 

I have been following your posts ever since the breakup as you seem to have had a similar situation to myself. I too have just passed the one year mark and I still find myself thinking of the ex and good times and that sort of rubbish. But one thing has recently dawned on me, there are soooo many nice girls out there. And I even reckon that there are girls out there who are even more suited to me than my ex was, now I tell you, a year ago I never thought that I would ever say that! I am so excited about the prospect of being single and meeting girls and getting those tingling feelings that you get when you start to get to know them. And remember if your ex had been the right one for you then she would still be with you. End of story. Think about it

 

Regards,

 

Steve

[grinand bearit]

Me,too...close to a year now and I have no interest in looking fo a new guy.

 

Friends encourage me, but I know I'm not there yet.

Someday, I hope I am because this does me no good.

 

You, too, will eventually, I hope, be able to pull your head out of your a** and realize that the person you loved so much thought little enough of you to just leave without the slightest kindness.

 

And even if you never look for, or accidentally (because fate sometimes does things to us) find another love, you can do what I do and find again who you were when you were alone before; spend time with friends, look for opportunities to be useful in this life, in your community, for instance.

 

I wish you well...all of us in this place -

 

grin

[icme]

Pebek, I remember your posts from a while back, coming up to 8 months for me too.

 

When I first got on here and I saw the occasional post by someone 8 months or a year on, I thought, sh*t, no way am I going to be feeling like that in a years time, I refuse to! How can they let themselves still be screwed up over it.

 

Easy to say that back then… But I realise now, how naïve I was. Provided you're not in contact and trying to be healthy and have a life, there's nothing else you can do to make the feeling go quicker. It goes when it goes and it serves no purpose to try and set a time limit on it as I did.

 

Is a year a long time? not really. It goes so quick in many ways. it's a long time to be miserable every day (like we all are at the start) but its not a long time when you consider that yes, life is enjoyable once again, albeit with the occasional and saddening thought about what you had. What gets me most is when I think, "this time last year.. we where here or doing this..". nothing you can do except wait for new memories to take their place.

 

So that's it really, a year passes, you battle on, most importantly you regain your confidence and self respect as you said, and you hope good things will come your way again soon.

 

For you and for us all, I'm sure they will.

[Pebek]

First of all, I want to thank you guys all for replying. I know that dating a new girl might definitely put an end to my misery but I feel the time isn't right for that yet. There's still too much of my ex in me. Whenever I think of going out with another woman, the whole idea brings back the memories of my ex and me going here and there and doing this or that. I haven't healed completely yet and I know I might still hurt any potential 'girlfriend material'. Of course, there's the slim chance of meeting a girl who'd be so different from and yet almost the same as my ex who'd simply make the ex seem so insignificant I'd no longer be bothered by any comparisons. To put it simply, I just need THE RIGHT GIRL who'd love me for who I am. Period. For the time being, I'm going to continue NC.

 

icme - I agree with you. The year has passed so quickly, and yes life is starting to be enjoyable again.

 

Thanx again for sharing your thoughts.

[trishcollins]

Hey Peebek,

 

I just passed the nine months, and even two weeks ago, I thought I would never get past my ex. I tried dating again in Feb and met a few people, but I realized I was spending all my time talking about my ex, and comparing them to my ex. What a nightmare for them. I figured I wasn't ready, so I stopped. But, I am glad I did it, because it somehow gave me a reference as to where I am at.

 

Then last week I had an epiphany. I was just leaving my counsellor's office (I only go every two months to "check in"), when I suddenly realized that the relationship would have never worked anyway. I have now been removed from it long enough and I no longer romantise every thing he did or said.

 

I started thinking about how much I disliked his "my way of the highway" attitude, thinly masked as "this is the way is needs to be". His inability to get in touch with his own feelings was also a big red flag that our relationship would never have been healthy.

 

When I really started thinking about this, I stopped thinking about "poor me" and "how can I live without him" and started thinking "close call" and "poor him". It sure gave a boost to my self-confidence and self-esteem and honestly, I feel much better.

 

I think that eventually, we get to the point where it will just make sense not to keep hoping and wishing. I don't know when that is for everyone, but I can honestly say right now, if my ex walked back in the door and asked me back, I would say "no". Too little, too late.

[apollocreed71]

yeah, it really hurts. It has been 18 months for me and I sill miss my ex. We were together for 7 years. I have dated and more, and it was not the same. Not comparing the other women, but at my age in the 30's, I find it to become exceedinly hard to find a solid relationship. It seem everyone in this age cagegory has a lot of baggage, and that makes relationships even more difficult. Its just reality, that you have more opportunities when you are younger. Just keep focused, maybe there is someone out there for you. I will not give you false hopes, I cannot see the future, so I can not make that guarantee that you will find someone, or you will get over her. Good luck.

[Pebek]

apollocreed71

 

A very true post, I'd say. When you get older the pickings get few and far between and it's close to impossible to find someone that you feel is right for you. There's also the issue of the baggage from past relationships which makes it even harder to start a solid relationship. I won't know whether I've got over her or not till I find another woman, which may never happen, though.

[here2understand2]

hmm..its been a year and 4 months since I broke up with the girl I loved, I've dated two girls after that..the funny thing is things with 'girl1' lasted bout 6 months and after that I had another 6 monther with 'girl2', but i still think bout 'girl1' more than anybody..its not that I wanna get back with her(tho i still get those "getting back" attacks, but i've decided to call it a deal).

 

But i'd say the time u take to get back to dating depends on how much you 'lay on the line' while u were in a relationship with the person..i've decided not to wear my heart on my sleeve and tread with caution and not expect too much when you meet someone wonderful. I've also maintained(thanks to girl1) that you never get to know a persons true self unless and until you see them in anger and what has brought upon that anger.

[brando]

Hello all,

 

Its been 18 months for me. The last six divorced. Ive dated little, and i realize that i dont want to be tied down to one person again for some time. When i think about it, it just overwhelms me, especially since ive never really been by myself like i have been. Their is a certain freedom in it, not so bad most of the time. It took me a long time to accept the finality of my marriage.

 

I do occasionally miss her, and i now see the red flags where i did not before. I do still care much about her, always will. I wouldnt want it any other way. I still talk to her occasionally, she has two daughters which i still have contact with, this is the hardest part. Her girls did nothing to end our marriage, why should i lose them as well?? Anyway...

 

Their is a light at the end of that long dark tunnel, and i learned it isnt about finding another partner, mate, girl friend etc... it is about finding and finally loving myself. Something neither her nor I fully understood.

 

Thanks for listening.

 

Be well.

[eeyore2000]

yeah i been there too.Its been about 8months since my ex broke up with me and we dated for three years.I thought we were gonna be togehter for ever but I guess that was wrong.it was really hard.I stopped eating for a couple of days cause it really really hurt.I really loved him.Talking about the situation and problems with ur friends and going ont he internet for help is the two most important part of u getting over the ex.I know it still hurts but u just got to move on.I thought of giving up my life and not dating anyone but I gave it time and moved on.Its hard for me cause i still work with my ex at work.But for the longest time I would not tlak to him at work.I was stubborn.one day i realize I started talking to him and even to this day i still talk to him.It still hurts once in a while cause he dumped me for a younger girl.Hes 20 and his new girlt hat he dumped me for is 15yr.Which everyone knows its wrong except him.Im still really close to his family and friends but life is always gonna be rough were ever u go.Time and time it will hurt but most of it let the past go and move on.Be out in the open away from where it hurts and have all the fun u need.U will find someone again.Cause I did.I found one of my guy friends that Im kind of seeing now and we used tow ork at the same place and now we are cause he came back to work there and hes back in my life.Well hope this helps.If u need more advice just email me.

[Celadon]

But one thing has recently dawned on me, there are soooo many nice girls out there. And I even reckon that there are girls out there who are even more suited to me than my ex was, now I tell you, a year ago I never thought that I would ever say that! I am so excited about the prospect of being single and meeting girls and getting those tingling feelings that you get when you start to get to know them. And remember if your ex had been the right one for you then she would still be with you. End of story. Think about it

 

I'm SO glad to hear someone say that! There is hope afterall.

 

My healing has had more to do with getting over the bad memories than trying to hold on to the good ones. I do still think about him nearly every day because we still live in the same town, and there are reminders all over. But I haven't run into him, fortunately.

 

What's helped me the most is looking at our motivations. I can pretty much say that his motivations for dating me weren't in the right place. I'm sure at some level he cared, or wanted to care, about me, but there were too many times when he'd be mean, when I was just trying to have a good, loving relationship with him.

 

Densil is right - if the person was The One, they'd still be with you. The best thing to learn after a breakup is how to get back on the horse. Good luck to us all!

[Pebek]

I guess I'm having some kind of a relapse these days. She keeps on coming back in my thoughts more and more painfully. I don't know why it's so, the more so as I've been on NC since the breakup. She hasn't even tried to text me since that time. Needless to say, I have retained enough dignity not to break the NC rule. It's been a very painful year for me and I still can't see the light. The mere thought of dating some other girls feels like cheating to me. Why is it so? Why does she still have so much control over me and my life? She's taken me out of her life and yet I can't shake off the memories which are still painful.The best ones hurt the most. The city is full of all kinds of reminders of us together. Am I never going to heal?

[buba]

Of cause you will heal!

It's just bone of those days when you feel down.

I am going through a lot of pain right now and it's only been 3 weeks since my husband served me with divorce papers simply because he doesn't want to be married, want's to hang out with friends, smoke weed and live with his mom for free.

We have only been maried for a year and a half and I loved him to death.

I was a breadwinner and he didn't hesitate to to be unemployed and entitled to be taken care of for the past year.

When I said it wasn't fair, he got angry and left me.

I feel used, destroyed and confused.

It's not fair.

But after crying myself to sleep and not eating for a week I made myself

go out and meet people.

No, it's not the same, I miss him.

But I miss him a lot more just sitting around the house.

Gotta distract yourself. Don't expect much. Just get out there. Try.

I met someone last night and I know, he will never be the one, but it was

so pleasant to carry a good conversation.

My husband was angry most of the time.

I thought it was great to be complimented on my appearance as I made it an effort to try and look my best.

I am in my 30s, and all this dating seen is not something I want any more, I liked the idea of being married and in love and not have to look for a partner anymore....

But you know what?

Sometimes you just have to.

It's been a year for you.

Enough! Especially when she is probably out there having a good time.

I know there is something much better waitingt for us.

Go and get it!

Life is too short and we will survive.

Blessings, Buba

[ForeverHopeful]

Its interesting to read how long people take to recover from relationships. And I realise I have never given myself that chance to get to know me. Since I started dating as a teenager I have been in and out of relationships with no more than a couple of months in between, I have just met someone new and in my head felt I was over the previous one but in reality was just finding a distraction for the current pain. Not good. In all fairness my new relationships have not suffered from being a rebound but I have never stopped to take stock of myself and my own insecurities that develop from relationships.

 

I have just broken up with someone and feel this time (better late than never), that I really need some space for myself and to reflect on the choices I have made over the years.

 

For all of you who have given yourselves that well earned time, im proud of you! You will be the better stronger partners when you finally meet someone as you are allowing the ex to leave you completely before moving on. Never worry about how long it takes to find a new partner, its not set in stone that you HAVE to be with someone, this is what society almost dictates to us, when we are in relationships we often feel we have lost ourselves, and when we are out of them we worry about being alone. But when you find that right person, he/she will let you be you and you know you will be truly happy in a relationship.

[Pebek]

Thank you guys for replying. Yeah, it may be just a couple of bad days I'm going through, but I have this feeling deep down inside that there's always going to be something left from the relationship that will pop up and haunt me from time to time. The NC rule works great but I know that any visual contact with her would set me back days if not weeks in my healing process.

[Foz]

hey Pebak,

 

it's been a while!!

I dont think there is a magic formula for getting over an ex! It has been 8 months for me now and i have felt great for nearly 2 months now. I went away on a snow boparding holiday and met loads of new people and had loads of fun and basically got my confidence back. Since coming back from holidays i signed up to do a triathlon and focus on that as a personal goal. Ive also decided to go visit a friend in the Caribbean so i basically set myself goals and things to look forward to. I dont talk about the ex very much and i try to focus on the fact that if he was the right guy for me, we would still be together.

It has been a torturous 8 months but im getting so much better.

Of course i do think of him still and have thoughts of "this time last year..." and well this weekend 4 years ago was when we first met so that has me feeling slightly nostalgic but i think when the first christmas, birthday, anniversary without them passes it gets better.

I think you are having a relapse because it is the anniversary of the break up and that is bringing up painful memories ( i have yet to reach that one) but just try focus on how much better you are than you were in the initial stages of the break up.

it is tough, probably one of the hardest things we have ever had to go through but we are getting there and one day we will meet the right person for us!!

Hang in there and pm me if you wish!!

 

lots of love

 

Foz

[Pebek]

Today I feel like I'm going to die. It's so nice ouside. I miss her so much and the walks we used to take... Why do I have these relapses? After all, it's been a year, more than enough, to pick up the pieces of my life and move on. Yet, a mere thought of us walking somewhere in the city brings me closer to Johnnie Walker...