She's desperate to have a baby but I'm not ready

[East4]

What's PCOS? Apparently when she was 15 she was raped which caused her damage but since then has had cancer and had to go through chemo which apparnelt affected her fertility and the doctor said she had stopped producing eggs and has a limited time for which she can conceive with her remaining eggs.

 

And I agree about going to the gyno or talking in more detail but she always refuses saying she doesn't see the point or just gets frustrated with me

 

Hmmm, there's something fishy here, 67.. For your information, unlike men who produce spermatozoïdes throughout their active reproduction age, women are born with pre-determined number of eggs at the moment of their birth. And every month we discharge one egg from this pre-determined reserve of eggs. Women do not produce eggs every month, they are just there at stock, at the time we are borne as baby girls. Some women are borne with more, hence they are fertile until later on in their life, some women have less and they are hit by the menopause ealy in life. You can read on this topic in the internet.

 

Also, your girlfriend being reluctant for you to consult her gyneco, would make me suspicious. I would take an appointment with her gyneco by myself and go have an honest chat with him/her without your GF's knowledge. I might be wrong, and I hope that I'm wrong, but it is possible that your GF is playing you to have children by telling you some sob story that is not necessarily true. Check the facts first, before you panic. Good luck.

[Ksol9]

I'm 24 she is 26 we will have been together for one year in may and lived together for most of that time (things got serious quickly) not financially secure to raise a child

 

 

I think these are veery legitimate reasons why you wouldn't be ready to have a child right now. You both are very young.

[Batya33]

Hmmm, there's something fishy here, 67.. For your information, unlike men who produce spermatozoïdes throughout their active reproduction eggs, women are born with pre-determined number of eggs at the moment of our birth. And every month we discharge one egg from this pre-determined reserve of eggs. Women do not produce eggs every month, they are just there at stock, at the time we are borne as baby girls. Some women are borne with mor, hence they are fertile until later on in their life, some women have less and they are hit by the menopause ealy in life. You can read on this topic in the internet.

 

Also, your girlfriend being reluctant for you to consult her gyneco, makes me suspicious. I would take an appointment with her gyneco by myself and go have an honest chat with him/her without your GF's knowledge. I might be wrong, and I hope that I'm wrong, but it is possible that your GF is playing you to have children by telling you some sob story that is not necessarily true. Check the facts first, before you panic. Good luck.

 

Not a health professional but I'm quite sure a gynecologist wouldn't share confidential information with her patient's boyfriend.

[mustlovedogs]

And, IMO, it makes sense that cancer could impact fertility. Chemo and radiation is meant to kill cells, after all.

[East4]

Not a health professional but I'm quite sure a gynecologist wouldn't share confidential information with her patient's boyfriend.

 

In the general case I totally agree. But it is still worth while trying by explaining the situation in which OP's life choices depend on such a disclosure. His choice is dependent on his GF's condition and as far as I understand OP lives in the UK, where doctors may be more understanding and less scared than in the US. In my country I know it would not have been a problem to inquire when when one's future is at stake. He is equally concerned by his GF's medical condition.

[East4]

The point is that 67 needs to collect the facts from an independent source and to not rely solely on what his GF says. The disclosure of information varies from one country to another and it is worth trying to collect all facts before making an informed decision.

 

My brother had a girlfriend in first years in college who was very adamant on getting married and having children, stating that she has some medical complication and could not wait for having children. My brother pulled away from the relationship, and 5 years later his former GF had a child with another man.

 

Every situation is different, but establishing the facts is always useful.

[Batya33]

In the general case I totally agree. But it is still worth while trying by explaining the situation in which OP's life choices depend on such a disclosure. His choice is dependent on his GF's condition and as far as I understand OP lives in the UK, where doctors may be more understanding and less scared than in the US. In my country I know it would not have been a problem to inquire when when one's future is at stake. He is equally concerned by his GF's medical condition.

 

Sorry I don't know the laws in the UK but in general a doctor is not allowed to talk about her patient's personal medical information even to family members in such cases. It's not about the doctor being scared -it's about his need to be a professional and act in the best interests of his patient. The OP's concern is that he wants to know how long he can stay with her and delay parenthood. Sure he might care otherwise about how she is feeling but that's not his particular concern here.

[Batya33]

The point is that 67 needs to collect the facts from an independent source and to not rely solely on what his GF says. The disclosure of information varies from one country to another and it is worth trying to collect all facts before making an informed decision.

 

My brother had a girlfriend in first years in college who was very adamant on getting married and having children, stating that she has some medical complication and could not wait for having children. My brother pulled away from the relationship, and 5 years later his former GF had a child with another man.

 

Every situation is different, but establishing the facts is always useful.

 

Yes I agree. Trying to get the facts from her doctor without her consent is a bad idea on many levels IMO. If she resists allowing him to get the facts then I would advise him not to have a baby with her.

[annie24]

I have done but she has so far refused saying she doesn't see the point and that they will just tell us what she told me

 

I think it's important that you hear it from the doctor as well, that you guys go in together. For starters, she could be making the whole thing up.

[annie24]

Not a health professional but I'm quite sure a gynecologist wouldn't share confidential information with her patient's boyfriend.

 

the doctor could if she gives permission and they go in together. Surely that is what all couples with fertility issues must do to get some answers about options?

[Batya33]

the doctor could if she gives permission and they go in together. Surely that is what all couples with fertility issues must do to get some answers about options?

 

Of course! What East4 wrote was that the OP should make a separate appointment to see his girlfriend's gyn and get information that way because apparently in the UK a doctor might agree to put aside doctor-patient confidentiality and talk to a patient's boyfriend trying to confirm whether his girlfriend's story was true.

[671672]

At first I thought both of you, especially her, might be in you late 30s or older. But you are still very young.

 

If you really love her AND she treats you well, try to overcome your fear and consider having kids.

 

But if you two have any relationship issues like if she is emotionally abusive or anything like that, I would hold off for now. Especially if you feel she is starting to treat you in a way to pressure you or bully you into having a baby.

 

We have had quite a few issues recently, lots of explosive arguments and unhealthy behaviours and unhealthy reactions to those arguments things are very strained

[annie24]

We have had quite a few issues recently, lots of explosive arguments and unhealthy behaviours and unhealthy reactions to those arguments things are very strained

 

 

That's not a healthy environment to bring a baby into. If you're fighting now, what would it be like with a screaming baby with a fever and neither of you had any sleep?

 

i really hope she is not scamming you. I would go in together and talk to her doctor. Some women will unfortunately scam men for the baby. Ugh

[Wiseman2]

Ok it's not like she's in her 40's what's the big rush? Has a doctor confirmed this? No don't get roped into this. Sounds like you two are not on the same page, unfortunately.

 

First of all hopefully you are both working, have been dating at least a couple years and live together and have financial and housing stability?

 

However if she's hellbent on baby-fever then let her go. Having a child together is a huge commitment to that child for a life time. It's a game changer.

I'm 24, she is 26

[671672]

That's not a healthy environment to bring a baby into. If you're fighting now, what would it be like with a screaming baby with a fever and neither of you had any sleep?

 

i really hope she is not scamming you. I would go in together and talk to her doctor. Some women will unfortunately scam men for the baby. Ugh

 

This is exactly how I feel, things have consistently been at their lowest in our relationship for a few months now, I suspect that she thinks that a baby would make that all better but I'm not so sure

[Wiseman2]

Agree. 26? that thought crossed my mind as well.

i really hope she is not scamming you. I would go in together and talk to her doctor. Some women will unfortunately scam men for the baby. Ugh

[671672]

Ok it's not like she's in her 40's what's the big rush? Has a doctor confirmed this? No don't get roped into this. Sounds like you two are not on the same page, unfortunately.

 

First of all hopefully you are both working, have been dating at least a couple years and live together and have financial and housing stability?

 

However if she's hellbent on baby-fever then let her go. Having a child together is a huge commitment to that child for a life time. It's a game changer.

 

 

Both working, been together about a year, live together, housing is stable but financially not stable enough for a child

[Wiseman2]

Ok then you have your answer. Wait until that is under better control.

financially not stable enough for a child

[annie24]

Agree. 26? that thought crossed my mind as well.

 

I mean, sure, it's possible that if she has PCOS or had chemotherapy, her fertility may be decreased. I don't know her medical history. This is why I think meeting with the doctor together and getting the cold hard numbers would be helpful so OP can assess how dire her situation is.

[Fudgie]

OP, after hearing your update (women don't produce more eggs, they have the eggs from birth onward) and you saying that she is reluctant to see a gyno... That's fishy. Her behavior is not consistent with a woman who is genuinely wanting kids and is concerned about infertility.

 

Sorry, it's really fishy to me. Sounds kind of like a woman who wants kids desperately and wants you to get her pregnant ASAP.

[annie24]

What's PCOS? Apparently when she was 15 she was raped which caused her damage but since then has had cancer and had to go through chemo which apparnelt affected her fertility and the doctor said she had stopped producing eggs and has a limited time for which she can conceive with her remaining eggs.

 

And I agree about going to the gyno or talking in more detail but she always refuses saying she doesn't see the point or just gets frustrated with me

 

yeah, I would want to know more as well. I do have friends who have had chemo and have had babies afterwards (I don't know whether it was with IVF or they froze their embryos, I didn't ask). I would definitely ask to go to her doctor together to get all the facts.

[Seraphim]

Just an interesting aside it is funny we now consider 26 too young to be a parent. My mom had 2 by the time she was 23.

 

I get all the reasons, I do. Just strange.

[Fudgie]

Just an interesting aside it is funny we now consider 26 too young to be a parent. My mom had 2 by the time she was 23.

 

I get all the reasons, I do. Just strange.

Times are different now. Most mid 20 year olds are not financially stable to support a child. Some, but most? Id say no. Just the economy we're dealing with these days.

[Seraphim]

Times are different now. Most mid 20 year olds are not financially stable to support a child. Some, but most? Id say no. Just the economy we're dealing with these days.

 

I think I find it odd because my life now spans a few generations. R was just turned 27 when little R was born. Our generation was just at the beginning of you need a doctrate to do anything. Almost. We were still able to have a bachelors and get out there and get experience in life.

 

But millions of people can thank globalization for the good and bad.

 

Now people have to specialize.

[abitbroken]

Do not get her pregnant. Stop having sex, too. you guys have moved way too fast as it is. if she is concerned, encourage her to freeze her eggs. What happens if she gets pregnant and you realize that she is not the one for you? Let her baby journey be her own baby journey. if you date another 2 years and decide she is the one, great - get married and have babies - but if she is having explosive arguments about babies, i would dump her and let her move on to find a man who is eager to knock a woman up. Not to be crude, but seriously.