She's desperate to have a baby but I'm not ready

[Snny]

I think marriage should come before children, but in today's world it's not necessary. A good friend of mine once told me...if you are waiting for the right time, you'll be waiting forever.

Why is marriage "not necessary in today's world?" What's wrong with having two incomes and having two people working as a solid team support a child's wellbeing? So many single parents struggle to raise a child on their own.

 

I do not agree with your friend's sentiment at all. I worked with children for several years, some who came from very dysfunctional families who should not brought a child into the world. They don't seek the services to support the needs of the their child, and I witness their own child struggling academically and emotionally. Kids are a major financial and emotional responsibility that some people are either prepared for it or or. Having kids is considered a luxury and you have to accept all the responsibilities that come with raising one. By choosing NOT to have children when you aren't ready means you are thinking responsibly. Some people really should not be having children.

[Batya33]

Just an interesting aside it is funny we now consider 26 too young to be a parent. My mom had 2 by the time she was 23.

 

I get all the reasons, I do. Just strange.

 

One of my relatives is 21, married and has a toddler and likely will have another one soon. She and her husband have been together for about 6 years, married for 3. They are financially stable although not wealthy by far, nor is wealth a goal for them. They planned their engagement, marriage and to have this child. From all I can see and hear about they are mature, have their act together, and they are great parents. Another is 29, with one baby and due with number 2, married for about 4 years. Same deal other than maybe they're not as financially stable but they make do and are a very solid family. It can work out fine. I do feel that waiting till I was 42 (not my choice meaning I wanted to be married first to the right person - nothing to do with not wanting a child or wanting a career more) for us took financial concerns completely off the table. Having the opportunity to make my nest after building a nest egg for over 10 years meant so many more options as far as taking care of the child, where to live and how to live (I wanted to be a full time mom for longer than traditional maternity leave).

 

I do not agree in the least that it's "never the right time" - I only agree to the extent that of course perfection is impossible and of course you can plan all you want and bizarre things can happen from job loss to medical issues with the mom and/or child, but throwing the baby out with the bath water and saying "there's never a right time so might as well do it at a sucky time" makes no sense. Every time I stopped using birth control or stopped using an insane amount of birth control, it was after I'd spoken with my boyfriend at the time and when we'd decided that if there were an "oops" we'd be happy and would have married. With our son, we were not married when we started trying but I was 40, we both wanted to try, we both knew we planned on getting married soon, we both knew that everything else was in place, financially,etc. It wasn't the perfect time - we ended up with a commuter marriage while I was pregnant, but OP you owe it to the child to make it as right the time as possible from all angles.

[Seraphim]

Never the the right time I mean you absolutely never know what's involved until you do it . For myself I would not have built a nest egg for 10 years to be required to have a kid . Just no. Had I done that my son never would've been born at all . I was not physically able to carry a child past 30 . I'm not saying do it at a sucky time but I'm not saying put it off and put it off and put it off and put it off either . You can only put it off so much before nature stops you.

[Fudgie]

The way I see it, there is only so much effort you can exert in your life. Children, career, free time. Either one thing has to give or they all have to give. Sacrifices have to be made. And if you can't or don't want to make those, that's totally fine, just don't get pregnant or get someone else pregnant. Having a child is a choice. It's not a necessity and it's not something that just "happens".

[Seraphim]

The way I see it, there is only so much effort you can exert in your life. Children, career, free time. Either one thing has to give or they all have to give. Sacrifices have to be made. And if you can't or don't want to make those, that's totally fine, just don't get pregnant or get someone else pregnant. Having a child is a choice. It's not a necessity and it's not something that just "happens".

Absolutely ,there's only so much effort in a soul and body to go around.

[Fudgie]

Exactly and some people need more time/effort than others. Not everyone wants to "have it all" or can't...it can be really stressful

[Batya33]

Never the the right time I mean you absolutely never know what's involved until you do it . For myself I would not have built a nest egg for 10 years to be required to have a kid . Just no. Had I done that my son never would've been born at all . I was not physically able to carry a child past 30 . I'm not saying do it at a sucky time but I'm not saying put it off and put it off and put it off and put it off either . You can only put it off so much before nature stops you.

 

Never said it was "required" -it was my situation -I was not going to have a child outside of a stable marriage (after I analyzed whether to do it on my own and decided it would be unfair to the child). I put it off for the best reasons - for the good of my child -to be born into a stable, happy marriage - and because it took time for me to be the right person to find the right person I spent that time building a nest egg.

 

I differ with you on the alternative "he would never have been born at all". In my case I would rather have never had a child than brought a child into a situation which was incompatible with my morals, values and ethics - I could not forgive myself for creating a child in those circumstances. Not saying you chose to go against your values I just don't see the choice as "better do it now or the risk is you'll never have a child" - I'd rather take that risk than risk bringing a child into a situation that doesn't comport with mine and my partner's personal values, morals and ethics. Or, I would have adopted on my own in my 40s had I not gotten married/been able to conceive - to me it's also not a choice of "better to have a child biologically than never have a child at all" -depends on the situation. And that's why I suggest to the OP that it's not about having a child so that you don't lose your partner.

[Seraphim]

Some folks want their own biological kids though. So if she has fertility issues she needs to hurry up. If he doesn't want kids she needs to be in a relationship with someone who does.

[671672]

Some folks want their own biological kids though. So if she has fertility issues she needs to hurry up. If he doesn't want kids she needs to be in a relationship with someone who does.

 

I do want kids I just don't feel ready for that at this point in my life that's the dilemma she's ready I'm not

[Seraphim]

I do want kids I just don't feel ready for that at this point in my life that's the dilemma she's ready I'm not

 

Then it is not fair to hold her back and let her lose her opportunity of children. It is time to let her go.

[Batya33]

Some folks want their own biological kids though. So if she has fertility issues she needs to hurry up. If he doesn't want kids she needs to be in a relationship with someone who does.

 

Totally agree and you gave the OP exactly the right advice except that she also could freeze her eggs -if she has to hurry up as much as she claims, then she won't meet someone else in that short period of time.

[Seraphim]

This is the cost of egg freezing in Canada.

 

The price of egg freezing is substantial: from $3,500 to $5,850 for the retrieval of the eggs, plus the cost of fertility drugs (around $3,500), egg storage ($1,000 for five years) and in vitro fertilization when it comes time to implant the eggs (about $3,000 to $4,000 per cycle).

 

Lots of payola. So hopefully she has that money .

[abitbroken]

This is exactly how I feel, things have consistently been at their lowest in our relationship for a few months now, I suspect that she thinks that a baby would make that all better but I'm not so sure

 

^^This is the biggest thing for me. A baby does not fix a relationship, it reveals the cracks.

 

BTW, no doctor tells someone "you only have a year". Fertility is not measured like that. If she has a fertility issue, they will say freeze your eggs, have surgery, take hormones, etc. depending on what the problem is. There is a big difference between "becoming possibly infertile" in a year and sterile. Or they will say X is the problem that will make it harder for you to conceive. There are fertility endocrinologists who have helped couples have babies without invitro by simply balancing hormines, making sure cysts are removed, etc. No one has a crystal ball. I have a feeling she is not telling you the whole and complete truth.

[Batya33]

This is the cost of egg freezing in Canada.

 

The price of egg freezing is substantial: from $3,500 to $5,850 for the retrieval of the eggs, plus the cost of fertility drugs (around $3,500), egg storage ($1,000 for five years) and in vitro fertilization when it comes time to implant the eggs (about $3,000 to $4,000 per cycle).

 

Lots of payola. So hopefully she has that money .

 

Yes and if she wants it badly enough she will find a way. Remember, he said she was willing to date him and give up her dream for him after knowing him a short time. Makes one wonder.

[Seraphim]

^^This is the biggest thing for me. A baby does not fix a relationship, it reveals the cracks.

 

BTW, no doctor tells someone "you only have a year". Fertility is not measured like that. If she has a fertility issue, they will say freeze your eggs, have surgery, take hormones, etc. depending on what the problem is. There is a big difference between "becoming possibly infertile" in a year and sterile. Or they will say X is the problem that will make it harder for you to conceive. There are fertility endocrinologists who have helped couples have babies without invitro by simply balancing hormines, making sure cysts are removed, etc. No one has a crystal ball. I have a feeling she is not telling you the whole and complete truth.

I don't know. My doctor didn't specifically give me a year but he told me to get pregnant immediately after I had my son if I wanted any hope of another child ,at all . He said don't even wait a couple years . He said he had never seen a uterus in such a horrendous state for my young age.

 

And I know my husband did not want another child right away . So we didn't . And my OB was correct we had no other child .

[Fudgie]

I don't know. My doctor didn't specifically give me a year but he told me to get pregnant immediately after I had my son if I wanted any hope of another child ,at all . He said don't even wait a couple years . He said he had never seen a uterus in such a horrendous state for my young age.

 

And I know my husband did not want another child right away . So we didn't . And my OB was correct we had no other child .

What your doctor said makes sense: "get pregnant ASAP". However, doctors don't say "You have exactly x amount of time to get pregnant". That's not how fertility works. They can talk about how to waiting til a certain age can decrease your fertility but they can't say with certainty "One year from now, you have exactly 0% chance".

 

I'm skeptical of this woman's claim now, especially given that she claims 1) she was told she is no longer producing eggs (not true, women don't produce eggs as an adult) and 2) she's reluctant to see the gyno. It's all really sketchy.

[Seraphim]

What your doctor said makes sense: "get pregnant ASAP". However, doctors don't say "You have exactly x amount of time to get pregnant". That's not how fertility works. They can talk about how to waiting til a certain age can decrease your fertility but they can't say with certainty "One year from now, you have exactly 0% chance".

 

I'm skeptical of this woman's claim now, especially given that she claims 1) she was told she is no longer producing eggs (not true, women don't produce eggs as an adult) and 2) she's reluctant to see the gyno. It's all really sketchy.

 

I think she just doesn't understand how egg production works . We are born with the number of eggs we are ever going to have . You don't create more one just gets released . So really you're down in the number of eggs . But yes ,I don't think that a doctor can give you an exact timeline .

 

I think sometimes too though when people think of fertility problems they think only of eggs but that's not everybody's entire case . My fertility problem was not eggs not at all . Mine was my uterus absolutely non-in habitable for children . I would have needed a surrogate get to carry a child for me . And that becomes increasingly expensive up to about $60,000. I wanted another child yes but I did not want to doom my family into bankruptcy and have problems for the child I currently had . That is kind of lunacy .

 

For this woman though it may be an egg problem .

[abitbroken]

I think she just doesn't understand how egg production works . We are born with the number of eggs we are ever going to have . You don't create more one just gets released . So really you're down in the number of eggs . But yes ,I don't think that a doctor can give you an exact timeline .

 

I think sometimes too though when people think of fertility problems they think only of eggs but that's not everybody's entire case . My fertility problem was not eggs not at all . Mine was my uterus absolutely non-in habitable for children . I would have needed a surrogate get to carry a child for me . And that becomes increasingly expensive up to about $60,000. I wanted another child yes but I did not want to doom my family into bankruptcy and have problems for the child I currently had . That is kind of lunacy .

 

For this woman though it may be an egg problem .

 

There are also donor eggs. I wouldn't do it, but some do. Also, when i was considered it, i was given a list of vitamins and aminos that helped with egg quality, follicles and ovulation if i wanted to go through with it. yes, you only have so many eggs - i don't know the correct terms but only the egg that is about to ovulate "ripens" in the process that month and makes it down the tube. If you don't have the right nutrients, you will still ovulate but the added elements increase the chances of it being more viable. Like i say, i don't know the correct terms.

 

At any rate, i just have this feeling that she is getting emotional and not telling you the whole truth.

 

If i found out that i was infertile or sterile, it would just mean that i would make sure someone knew when they asked if i wanted kids someday that I would have to adopt or use other measures to have a child and that i wanted one - and it would be up to them if they are okay with those measures to stay or go. Honestly, i would still be with my guy if he had told me up front that he was sterile because of chemo, or otherwise was told he couldn't have kids because we are that right for eachother. GRANTED if i were 21, i would not have stayed with him but being the age I am now where kids could be a maybe or maybe not based on my age, i would have been okay with it and would have just spoiled the nieces and nephews.

[MissCanuck]

Eh, I also don't think she's telling you the whole truth, OP. Sorry.

 

Assuming you are to be the father to this baby, the responsible and mature approach would be for both parents to speak to the doctor together so they know what the options and prognosis are. She is dodging that. If she can't face having you participate in such a big decision by getting informed and making these choices together, then she is not ready to be a parent with you. If I had a fertility issues, I would make darn sure the father of my future children knew all of the facts and heard the doctor's opinion so we could face the challenges as a couple. Hell, going to the doctor together could even help make her case to have a child soon if you heard directly from the professional in the white coat that she indeed needs to conceive soon. She's not doing that because she knows she's been fudging some things.

 

Add to that the financial insecurity and tense relationship - nope. Nope. And more nope.

[BeenThereB4]

Hmmm, there's something fishy here, 67.. For your information, unlike men who produce spermatozoïdes throughout their active reproduction age, women are born with pre-determined number of eggs at the moment of their birth. And every month we discharge one egg from this pre-determined reserve of eggs. Women do not produce eggs every month, they are just there at stock, at the time we are borne as baby girls.

 

This is not true. It used to be thought that women were born with all the eggs they ever had at birth, but research now indicates that women continue to produce fresh eggs throughout their reproductive years. This information is readily available on the internet, as well as the old belief.

 

It is absolutely possible that this woman was told by her doctor that she has only about one year left of fertility. True, the doctor can't know exactly when infertility will strike(if ever), but doctors do spout out time limits and deadlines. How many people have been told they only have one year to live, only to live for another decade?

[Seraphim]

Wow, that is great new info for many women.

[Nina95]

I'm 24 she is 26 we will have been together for one year in may and lived together for most of that time (things got serious quickly) not financially secure to raise a child

Nope dont do this. Be straight with her now and tell her firmly you are NOT having children any time soon and that is it. You haven't even been in a relationship long enough. Please dont do this, you cannot even fathom now the consequences and ramifications this will have in your young life. If you do stay together make sure you use protection! My kid brother didn't trusting his gf was, and he is now a 25 year old father of a 2 year old. Of course, relationship with the mother didnt last longer than a year after the baby was born, so he is now a divorced young dad who is only allowed to see the kid on weekends because the mother turned out to be a vengeful psycho, who he realized he was only infatuated with to begin with. *Sigh*...