Wife will divorce if I go back to the military

[BillyJoel12]

So... Here's the latest. This morning she asked me, "When do you need to know my decision of if I want to stay with you or not?"

 

Has anyone ever been asked that before, especially in a marriage? She wants to know when do I need to know if she wants to divorce or not... I'm beside myself right now... I have never been asked that before!

 

I'm so confused..

[abitbroken]

So... Here's the latest. This morning she asked me, "When do you need to know my decision of if I want to stay with you or not?"

 

Has anyone ever been asked that before, especially in a marriage? She wants to know when do I need to know if she wants to divorce or not... I'm beside myself right now... I have never been asked that before!

 

I'm so confused..

 

I would ask her "what job did i have when we met"? And she should answer "enlisted military". "if you knew i was enlisted in the military and you only wanted a man who had a 9 to 5 job, then why did you choose a military man?" That will cut to the chase and make this about facts. "if a 9 to 5 job was more important than a man's personality and character, why did you not pursue someone who worked at a bank?

 

Maybe that will answer your questions if she admits she thought she could change you or it may end up with a lot of "i don't knows" and she will realize how foolish she is

 

I would also say "why are you talking about divorce? to me it seems you have it in your mind to divorce me already no matter what i do and are just looking for a reason to do this."

[abitbroken]

IF she said "honey, i didn't realize how much i would miss you or don't feel i can manage the house alone" - is there a possibility you could be stationed on a base where she could live with you? would that solve the problem?

[Wiseman2]

She's turning up the heat to coerce you to not follow your path and be in the reserves. It a rhetorical question.

 

Tell her, it's up to you, dear...I'm not filing for divorce.

she asked me, "When do you need to know my decision of if I want to stay with you or not?" She wants to know when do I need to know if she wants to divorce or not.

[Jibralta]

However, the military thing is something I will not budge on and she won't get on board with it. I left for the weekend so that she can do some alone time thinking per her request, but in a email she sent to me and a conversation we had before we left, she said the military is a deal breaker.

 

You've presented the issue in a very black-and-white manner: According to you, this would be just one more thing that you've given up for her. Even if the problem truly is that simple, at the end of the day you are going to live with the consequences of the decision that you make, and it won't really matter how many internet strangers said "you're right" or "you're wrong."

[j.man]

So... Here's the latest. This morning she asked me, "When do you need to know my decision of if I want to stay with you or not?"

Yeah. That's **** you roll your eyes and walk out of the room from. You can have a discussion about it when she's not acting 12.

[boltnrun]

She's threatening you. She assumes you will fall all over yourself pleading "PLEASE don't divorce meeeeee!!!"

 

A guy I used to date's ex wife pulled something similar. He said something she didn't like and she came back with "Well, I'm filing for divorce then!" And he looked up from his magazine and said "Fine." She then stuttered and stumbled and said "I thought you'd FIGHT for meeeee!" And he told her "Using threats of divorce isn't the way to get me to 'fight' for you."

 

I would tell her that you don't play games like that. If she wants to have an adult discussion about options you're up for that, but threats will get her nowhere.

[BillyJoel12]

Yeah. That's **** you roll your eyes and walk out of the room from. You can have a discussion about it when she's not acting 12.

 

I have attempted to have the discussion with her a couple of more times. She asked me again on Saturday, "Are you 100% sure you want to go back into the military?" and I responded with, "Yes." And she said, "I cannot believe you are doing this to me!"

 

So I replied by saying that I am not doing anything to you, I am doing this for me. I welcomed you along for the journey and you are the one that is declining the invite. She just shut down and stopped talking.

 

Yesterday, (Monday) we left for work and she texted me later, "I love you, have a great day! I replied, "you too" When she got home, she gave me a quick peck on the cheek and was acting like nothing was wrong at all. So I asked her, "does this mean you made your decision and will be staying with me?" She said, "No, I haven't decided yet." I said that you are taking a while to figure out if you want to stay with me and that is a concern to me. You should know if you want to stay or want to go. This isn't like answering a wedding invite where you have to think about it. If you are this hesitant, that just shows me that you aren't sure about our marriage and why should I invest anymore of my precious time with someone who is this unsure? She then said, "I was hoping you would just grow out of wanting to rejoin the military or want to be in public service again"

 

I walked away. She is toying with me and I may just need to make this decision for her since she is acting like a middle school child trying to get her own way..

[mcnugget]

It sounds like the two of you care about each other, but had different expectations. When you met and you were enlisted was there anything to imply that you would be out of service at some point? She might have thought that once you finished your term you would be able to have a normal 9-5 job and family life together. Are you interested in doing anything to serve the community that does not endanger your life and prevent you from having a family life? Has there been any talk of having children in the future? If so, I can certainly understand why she would be so resistant to you joining the reserves. A job in public service is admirable, but not everyone wants a spouse who is constantly in danger and misses holidays, family events, and weekends. When you married it stopped being just about you and became about you as a couple. She’ll be the one alone and worrying. If you’re injured or killed that will change her life too.

[Doc Blaze]

It sounds like the two of you care about each other, but had different expectations. When you met and you were enlisted was there anything to imply that you would be out of service at some point? She might have thought that once you finished your term you would be able to have a normal 9-5 job and family life together. Are you interested in doing anything to serve the community that does not endanger your life and prevent you from having a family life? Has there been any talk of having children in the future? If so, I can certainly understand why she would be so resistant to you joining the reserves. A job in public service is admirable, but not everyone wants a spouse who is constantly in danger and misses holidays, family events, and weekends. When you married it stopped being just about you and became about you as a couple. She’ll be the one alone and worrying. If you’re injured or killed that will change her life too.

OP has done a lot to keep his wife happy and she denies any options he has given her. Of course as a couple you should be happy but Op's happiness is very important too. I think Op was once an EMT and his wife didn't like that either. Would you want your SO to work a 9-5 just so you are happy? sounds kinda selfish IMO.