Looking for clarity.

[reinventmyself]

Of wondering what could have been if I didn't act that way, where I could be now in my life if I hadn't. Is there any way I can finally put this all to rest and stop the constant what if's?

 

Without the benefit of going back and rereading your entire history, something I learned along the way:

I recall going through therapy during the end of my divorce. My soon to be ex was emotionally abusive and dishonest. I was stuck on thinking he might go on and be a great partner for someone else. As if he might be someone entirely different with someone else.

It was hard to hear but my therapist told me he very well could be. It hurt to hear that and stung for quite some time. Why not with me?

 

But now years later and a couple relationships under my belt it makes total sense to me now. Relationships between two people are incredibly complex and if we are fortunate our yin meets their yang and what we bring out in one person is entirely the different for another.

It's neither right or wrong, good or bad. It's just about differences.

 

If your relationship was strong in other areas it would have survived one nights misunderstanding.

You do know that, right?

He was going through a divorce. .the cards were stacked against you from the start.

There are studies that show that the first relationship one has post divorce, rarely lasts anyway

 

Don't cheat yourself out of any further happiness worrying about something you can't go back and change.

He wasn't the guy for you. That's all that matters today.

[laelithia]

Thank you, this really helps. I think part of the reason I can’t let go is that I blame myself for a lot of the issues we experienced, that if I had been more patient and easy going/less insecure maybe our relationship could have been stronger. But at the same time, he was doing many things that I think would cause most women to feel insecure in the relationship (like talking to his ex).

 

However, the part that really eats at me is that the day he finally committed, he actually told his ex wife he couldn’t speak to her anymore. It was as if we were finally on a healthy path to a strong relationship, and I somehow messed up that trajectory. I hate that I miss him, but of all the men I dated, I felt the most emotionally cared for by him (minus the ex part). He would listen to me for hours about how I was feeling about anything, he always seemed to know what to say or do to make me feel better. We also had an intense chemistry and attraction that I don’t seem to have with my current partner which upsets me greatly. I sometimes feel if I did feel the same excitement and joy in dating my current partner as I did my ex, I wouldn’t be feeling this way now.

[reinventmyself]

I hate that I miss him, but of all the men I dated, I felt the most emotionally cared for by him (minus the ex part). He would listen to me for hours about how I was feeling about anything, he always seemed to know what to say or do to make me feel better. We also had an intense chemistry and attraction that I don’t seem to have with my current partner which upsets me greatly. I sometimes feel if I did feel the same excitement and joy in dating my current partner as I did my ex, I wouldn’t be feeling this way now.

 

I understand this feeling. I have some similar experiences with my last relationship. We ultimately were not right for each other but having come off of that relationship where the chemistry was that once in a life time experience, it's hard not to compare anyone else to that. I wrestle with it in my current relationship. My theory is, it was the drama I was attracted to. My current relationship is as close to a perfect match for me than I have ever had, but there isn't that intensity I had from before. I am trying to be thankful for that . . if that makes sense.

 

If I am reading you correctly your last relationship made you feel insecure but when it was good it was really good. It's like playing a slot machine. You keep investing more and more into it just to get the pay off. You live for the high of the payoff. But it's neither consistent nor comfortable.

[laelithia]

I understand this feeling. I have some similar experiences with my last relationship. We ultimately were not right for each other but having come off of that relationship where the chemistry was that once in a life time experience, it's hard not to compare anyone else to that. I wrestle with it in my current relationship. My theory is, it was the drama I was attracted to. My current relationship is as close to a perfect match for me than I have ever had, but there isn't that intensity I had from before. I am trying to be thankful for that . . if that makes sense.

 

If I am reading you correctly your last relationship made you feel insecure but when it was good it was really good. It's like playing a slot machine. You keep investing more and more into it just to get the pay off. You live for the high of the payoff. But it's neither consistent nor comfortable.

 

I've often wondered this too, was the chemistry actually chemistry or was it instead this toxic dynamic? It's hard for me to tell, as the only relationships in which I have felt this (or close to) level of chemistry seemed to be unhealthy relationships but I can't know for sure if that is what it was or perhaps part of it. I remember being very attracted to him on the first date, but then again that doesn't say much about long term compatibility or even chemistry.

[laelithia]

That intense chemistry is so very hard to find. Are you happy otherwise with your current partner? Why have you chosen to be with this one? I relate to a lot of your story, minus the ex issues. We had no issue between us, it was outside involvement interference. I'm sorry what you've been through. Just know when you make peace with this fully, you'll be open to accepting love from another man and appreciate him. I too made the mistake of getting too involved with a man fresh out of a divorce, never ever again will I do that. I do believe those of us that are first in line are just the ones they pass time with until they get their collective emotional crap together. We make them good for the next one, usually. Sad, but true. We stuck by and did the work, the next one benefits from it :( Don't settle for your current partner if you're not feeling it, but do know until you heal from this, you probably won't feel that intensity with anyone. I still struggle to find it.

 

ETA: when I reflect on it, I think those men come at us full on, like a whirlwind and it draws us in. It's exciting, intense, but it's all smoke and mirrors because they want that validation. I've not known many men to not be completely broken post divorce and latching on at full speed and then leaving the women wondering wth just happened. I've seen it time and again IRL and so just be really smart going forward.

 

I've chosen to be with him because unlinke the others I have dated, he is committed and listens to my concerns and adapts his behaviour to meet my needs. It wasn't always easy to get to this point, I shed many tears explaining to him what I was going through and feeling, but he has since really come around and stepped up to the plate as a supportive and caring partner. I also trust him compltely and never have to worry about him being inappropriate with other women, even with the distance seperating us. I wonder the same thing, perhaps once I vanish this ex from my consciousness completely then I will be able to truly let my current partner in and be able to feel that attraction and connection with him.

 

I totally identify with what you mentioned about dating a man fresh out of a divorce. It is so devestating to go through all of that with them, help them process all of it and support them, only to feel someone else is reaping the rewards of our hard work. I belive I knew better than to get this deeply invovled with him so soon after his divorce, however, I listened to his words not his actions and I think this was my mistake.

 

I really hope the attraction and desire can grow for me with my current partner, as I do believe at least part of the issue is me being attracted to emotionally unavailable and difficult to "have" individuals. Perhaps in healing these wounds from past relationships (and even further into childhood) I will be attracted to the qualities that are important in a relationship, and not the emotionally unavailable smooth-talker. Here's hoping!

[reinventmyself]

We're wrestling with the same thing. If I look back at those men I've felt that way with, they were ultimately really bad choices for me.

I've often wondered this too, was the chemistry actually chemistry or was it instead this toxic dynamic? It's hard for me to tell, as the only relationships in which I have felt this (or close to) level of chemistry seemed to be unhealthy relationships but I can't know for sure if that is what it was or perhaps part of it. I remember being very attracted to him on the first date, but then again that doesn't say much about long term compatibility or even chemistry.

[Last Gentleman]

I've chosen to be with him because unlinke the others I have dated, he is committed and listens to my concerns and adapts his behaviour to meet my needs. It wasn't always easy to get to this point, I shed many tears explaining to him what I was going through and feeling, but he has since really come around and stepped up to the plate as a supportive and caring partner. I also trust him compltely and never have to worry about him being inappropriate with other women, even with the distance seperating us. I wonder the same thing, perhaps once I vanish this ex from my consciousness completely then I will be able to truly let my current partner in and be able to feel that attraction and connection with him.

 

I totally identify with what you mentioned about dating a man fresh out of a divorce. It is so devestating to go through all of that with them, help them process all of it and support them, only to feel someone else is reaping the rewards of our hard work. I belive I knew better than to get this deeply invovled with him so soon after his divorce, however, I listened to his words not his actions and I think this was my mistake.

 

I really hope the attraction and desire can grow for me with my current partner, as I do believe at least part of the issue is me being attracted to emotionally unavailable and difficult to "have" individuals. Perhaps in healing these wounds from past relationships (and even further into childhood) I will be attracted to the qualities that are important in a relationship, and not the emotionally unavailable smooth-talker. Here's hoping!

 

Ladies this to me is typical, a lot of you didn't get the memo on what a good gentleman should do and as you rely mostly more on emotions in the thinking, you conflate chemistry with actually

someone who is kind of nagging and abusive. Intense emotions fill your meter as highs seem so much higher when there are so many lows and you think this is chemistry, seen it oh so often

and many deny it never thinking about it, but the only way to get better relationships is actually facing the facts and finding these patterns.

 

Men are usually less prone to this as we use logic instead of emotions to make decisions mostly and so to me disrespect or making you look like a fool/unreasonable is not tolerated in a couple !

 

But now let's talk about this guy, of course divorces happen and there are circumstances, the blame is hardly ever one sided. But I couldn't help and immediately think, myself as a man, this guy

was married for 1.5 years and already splits !? Other than if her wife had hidden issues or she cheated on him, I cannot fathom this guy to be well in his shoes when marrying and divorcing someone

so fast, maybe I'm old fashioned but in my mind a man should know better because of all there is to lose in a divorce, I'd say he's not very mature or a good judge of character, otherwise you don't

divorce that fast.

But let me guess, he told you about all his ex's flaws and how awful he had it in the end, attracting your sympathy and he never said anything about him doing wrong !?

Maybe he did marry a harpy, but again that to me would constitute a big red flag for a grown up married man !

[laelithia]

Ladies this to me is typical, a lot of you didn't get the memo on what a good gentleman should do and as you rely mostly more on emotions in the thinking, you conflate chemistry with actually

someone who is kind of nagging and abusive. Intense emotions fill your meter as highs seem so much higher when there are so many lows and you think this is chemistry, seen it oh so often

and many deny it never thinking about it, but the only way to get better relationships is actually facing the facts and finding these patterns.

 

Men are usually less prone to this as we use logic instead of emotions to make decisions mostly and so to me disrespect or making you look like a fool/unreasonable is not tolerated in a couple !

 

But now let's talk about this guy, of course divorces happen and there are circumstances, the blame is hardly ever one sided. But I couldn't help and immediately think, myself as a man, this guy

was married for 1.5 years and already splits !? Other than if her wife had hidden issues or she cheated on him, I cannot fathom this guy to be well in his shoes when marrying and divorcing someone

so fast, maybe I'm old fashioned but in my mind a man should know better because of all there is to lose in a divorce, I'd say he's not very mature or a good judge of character, otherwise you don't

divorce that fast.

But let me guess, he told you about all his ex's flaws and how awful he had it in the end, attracting your sympathy and he never said anything about him doing wrong !?

Maybe he did marry a harpy, but again that to me would constitute a big red flag for a grown up married man !

 

So sorry this response is so late! To answer your question, it was actually him who cheated and she who left. The way he described it, she often shamed and questioned his manhood during sex. He said this led him to have sexual issues (ED, etc.) and in a moment of weakness after drinking too much, he had a one-night stand. I have no idea how much of this is true, or if it even mattered. I believed him at the time, and confused my role as girlfriend/new partner and therapist. I supported him through the loss of his relationship, and mistakingly thought this loyalty would be rewarded. It was not, and if anything, led to him disvaluing me.

 

I have many regrets in this relationship, I regret it even beginning. To this day, it haunts me even though I should be happy in my new relationship. What haunts me the most is that the last message I ever sent him was an apology after HE betrayed me. To make it worse, he ignored it and blocked me, rather than apologizing too or even just wishing me well. This has been what I can’t seem to move on, and I still feel urges to send him one more message, letting him know what he did to me was not alright, that I don’t forgive him even though he never asked. But I know deep down this will not help, and so I feel stuck in this horrible rut.

 

It’s been almost 2 years, and I still cannot let go of the betrayal, how he is still with (presumably) the partner whom he discarded me for and treated so much better than me.

[laelithia]

Does anything think it would be a decent idea to contact him again (perhaps by phone) to have final closure? Is this just a pipe dream? I can't get over the fact that I've not let him think not only was I okay with everything he did and how he handled the situation, but that I actually took the blame for anything that went wrong by apologizing... is there any way to recctify this?

 

My current partner has nobly offered to message him, to let him know that he thought how he handled the situation was plain weak and I didn't deserve it. I feel like this would somehow make things worse, but to be honest, at this point I'm almost desperate enough to do anything to move past this one and for all.

[boltnrun]

I doubt anyone will think that's a good idea.

 

What is there to "rectify"? Do you want to reconcile with him? If so, what will you do about your current partner?

[Capricorn3]

Really really REALLY BAD idea, imo.

[laelithia]

I doubt anyone will think that's a good idea.

 

What is there to "rectify"? Do you want to reconcile with him? If so, what will you do about your current partner?

 

Mostly I want to rectify that six months ago I sent an apology to him out of the blue (I really thought maybe if I sent one after a year of NC he would apologize too and we could finally tie up the loose ends) but he blocked me instead. I feel so angry with myself for ever thinking contacting him months ago was a good idea. If anything, I’ve been more stuck on this than ever after that happened. I just felt it was so cruel for him to have done what he did to me, and then when he had an opportunity to make some sort of amends, he made it worse and hurt me again by blocking without even responding. I wouldn’t have minded if he just wished me well first, but he did not knowing how much it would hurt me. It just felt so unnecessarily mean.

[Capricorn3]

Mostly I want to rectify that six months ago I sent an apology to him out of the blue (I really thought maybe if I sent one after a year of NC he would apologize too and we could finally tie up the loose ends) but he blocked me instead. I feel so angry with myself for ever thinking contacting him months ago was a good idea. If anything, I’ve been more stuck on this than ever after that happened. I just felt it was so cruel for him to have done what he did to me, and then when he had an opportunity to make some sort of amends, he made it worse and hurt me again by blocking without even responding. I wouldn’t have minded if he just wished me well first, but he did not knowing how much it would hurt me. It just felt so unnecessarily mean.

What makes you think that contacting him yet again that anything will be any different? He's already blocked you, which says a LOT. You say it hurt you then, so why do the whole thing all over again, only to get hurt, again?? Does that make any sense to you? It's all so pointless and such a waste of your time and energy.

Learn to accept that it's over and in the past and just leave it be already. All you're doing is causing yourself great anxiety whilst he's carrying on with his life. Move on. He certainly has.

[Wiseman2]

It's time to let go. It's normal to block people when continued or unwanted or coercive communication won't stop. Blocking you was not "mean". It was appropriate boundaries on his end to unwanted, unnecessary communication.. In Fact you should block and delete him and all his people from all messaging and social media apps. Right Now.

 

How can you be happy living in a marred past like this? By now you could have been dating, in a relationship, engaged, married, who knows? If you continue to find yourself feeling angry, ruminating, etc, perhaps it's time to sort all that out with a qualified therapist.

six months ago I sent an apology to him out of the blue (I really thought maybe if I sent one after a year of NC he would apologize too and we could finally tie up the loose ends) but he blocked me instead.

[laelithia]

I understand, I am not upset that he blocked me. What I am upset about is that he used me as a placeholder, led me on, lied to me, and discarded me. It would have taken him 2 seconds to type “I’m sorry you were hurt. I wish you well” and then blocked me. I had not contacted him ever after the break up, even though he often reached out to me. I was no threat of harassing him, I simply wanted to end on a decent note even though he betrayed me so badly.

 

How is it not cruel that after doing such, he never once even alluded to feeling bad about hurting me? I could never do this to someone, and I never had. Any time I ended a relationship, I always expressed remorse for causing them pain. To me, it is the decent thing to do. Especially in this case, when he treated me so badly and I treated him so well.

[Wiseman2]

Ok, then use this as a great example of how boundaries work so you can start doing that when it's over. In the future, stop being a martyr and looking for pity in relationships.

 

When someone is a jerk and mistreating you, you leave and block them, not chase them around for months fishing for apologizes, by sending them.

 

Seek out equal and normal dating partners. Stop complaining about poor treatment, then expect repeated apologies, when things are long over with and it's in your own best interest to move forward.

I could never do this to someone, and I never had.

[laelithia]

Ok, then use this as a great example of how boundaries work so you can start doing that when it's over. In the future, stop being a martyr and looking for pity in relationships.

 

When someone is a jerk and mistreating you, you leave and block them, not chase them around for months fishing for apologizes, by sending them.

 

Seek out equal and normal dating partners. Stop complaining about poor treatment, then expect repeated apologies, when things are long over with and it's in your own best interest to move forward.

 

Yes, I have definitely learned from this and have only dated equal and normal partners as you say since. I am now in a good, healthy relationship, but these feelings about this past one are getting in the way. I feel what I can’t let go of is that I betrayed myself once again to offer an apology to him, rather than just leaving it. I can’t seem to move past the fact that he now thinks I was okay with everything he did to me, that nothing he did was wrong because I apologized to HIM rather than the other way around. The last thing I sent to him (right after the break up) before this message 6 months ago was that I didn’t think how he handled the situation was okay, and then I blocked and deleted him from everything.

 

After a year had past, I thought we could both be mature enough to either apologize or wish each other well. I wasn’t looking to be in each other’s lives, I just wanted there to be no lashing bitterness. Now I feel that’s all that’s left.

[Wiseman2]

If it's good and healthy, why hang on to an unchangeable past?

I am now in a good, healthy relationship

[laelithia]

If it's good and healthy, why hang on to an unchangeable past?

 

That’s the million dollar question, I actually don’t know. I notice whenever I’m not focused on something, or drifting to sleep, these thoughts come to me and I feel sad about it. I really have no idea how to banish what happened and his cruelty out of my conscious and unconscious mind.

[reinventmyself]

. What I am upset about is that he used me as a placeholder, led me on, lied to me, and discarded me. It would have taken him 2 seconds to type “I’m sorry you were hurt. I wish you well” and then blocked me. I had not contacted him ever after the break up, even though he often reached out to me. I was no threat of harassing him, I simply wanted to end on a decent note even though he betrayed me so badly.

 

How is it not cruel that after doing such, he never once even alluded to feeling bad about hurting me? I could never do this to someone, and I never had. Any time I ended a relationship, I always expressed remorse for causing them pain. To me, it is the decent thing to do. Especially in this case, when he treated me so badly and I treated him so well.

This is a man who by your own admission is capable of being insensitive and cruel. Why on earth are you holding out for him to suddenly do the decent thing after the fact?

That makes no sense.

 

`Do not seek comfort from the very thing that hurt you'

 

I think the question you need to ask yourself is why after all this time you are still giving away your power this guy you no longer have any contact with.

[Capricorn3]

I am now in a good, healthy relationship, .

If that's the case then don't you think what you're doing is extremely unfair to your current boyfriend? How would YOU feel if your boyfriend was still agonising about an EX for a whole year after they split, contacts her in the hope of getting an apology, she blocks him and six months later he's STILL obsessing over getting an apology from her? You don't see anything wrong with this picture? I know if my partner was doing this I would show him the door and tell him to sort out his issues.

[Honeycomb8]

I know, it's like you're using the current guy as an emotional crutch. It's not fair, let the past go or break up with your current guy.

[laelithia]

Thanks for the replies everyone. It’s a bit of an odd situation, as my current partner started out as a friend. We often vented to each other about our pasts, so he knew of this ex and the situation before we started dating. I agree though, it is horribly unfair to him that I keep agonizing over this wound. But I honestly don’t know how to stop, or why it’s even an issue in the first place this long after.

 

I think it has something to do with the final “blow” or betrayal I felt after I reached out the last time. I regret that terribly, and want to rectify it now, but I have no idea how or if that’s even possible. I so desperately want to never think of this person and what he did to me again, but for some reason my unconscious/emotional mind holds on to it. It’s not the first time I have been hurt by an ex, but it’s defintiely the first time I can’t seem to let it go.

 

Does anyone have any ideas on why this would be the case, and what I can do to finally let it go? It’s so difficult when it feels out of my control.

[laelithia]

I guess it should be noted that while we were together, we spent almost all our free time together. I basically moved in, we worked close and had lunch together, we even got ready in the morning together. He knew all my deepest and darkest secrets, and I thought I knew his. To be honest, it’s not that I thought we would be together forever and were “soulmates” or anything like that, but I did think after everything we had been through together (including my mother fighting terminal cancer) and how kind I thought he had been in supporting me in the past, I wasn’t prepared for the betrayal.

 

To this day, I’m still in shock that I am on the worst terms with him than any of my other ex’s. He constantly was saying he would be there for me, and I trusted him and let him in to a place I normally keep hidden from others. I honestly never thought it would end like this, and maybe that’s what I can’t move past from. I don’t think I’ve ever trusted someone so much, and I don’t think I’ve ever been hurt as badly. I feel sad that because of the trauma I experienced here, there is a side of me that cannot open to my current partner. It’s like a piece of me died with that betrayal, and I can’t seem to get it back.

[Capricorn3]

OP, this sounds like a very unhealthy obsession and I think at this point the only thing which will help you is professional counselling/therapy to help you figure out what is really going on here. I think this is beyond the help of strangers on the internet. You need real professional help (imo).