Looking for clarity.

[Wiseman2]

Get your ego out of the way. People break up. It hurts, it's not "fair", etc. But people get over it because no one is immune to the demise of a relationship.. even you.

 

Once you realize that this is all about your ego that how dare he break up with you, how dare he not apologize profusely for years. You will put things in perspective. He had a right to leave, a right to block you and maintain no contact. And that irks you.

I keep agonizing over this wound. But I honestly don’t know how to stop, or why it’s even an issue in the first place this long after.

[MissCanuck]

I am now in a good, healthy relationship

 

Well, no, that's not exactly accurate. You can't be healthy and fully-present in your current relationship when so much of mind and heart and still with someone else.

 

Your boyfriend might be good to you, and treat you well, but your fixation on the past prevents you from having healthy relationship. You're just not invested in the way a relationship needs to thrive and survive.

[boltnrun]

You're still in love with this ex.

 

Please end your current relationship as it is terribly unfair to your boyfriend.

 

If you feel unable to let go please seek professional help.

[laelithia]

Hi Everyone,

 

Thanks again for your replies. I think the fact that my current relationship is presently (very) long distance, has something to do with this gross obsession I seem to have with the past. I believe that's a big part of it, the juxtaposition between a LDR and one where I spent all my time with him.

 

I don't believe I am (or ever was) "in love" with this ex. I don't think I even truly knew him well enough to love him. I did not respect his character a lot of the time or even find him very attractive physically, but I did enjoy how I felt when I was with him. He was fun, easy going, laid back. I am definitely not the latter, so maybe I just was infatuated with what I couldn't be. Who knows.

 

Another issue I think I'm having is while I dated this ex, I was prescribed rather high doses of Dexedrine (or Adderall) for a presumed diagnosis of ADHD. I didn't notice it at the time because it was so gradual, but this medication radically affected my mood and irritability with others. There is a big part of me that wonders if I could have maintained a higher level of self-control in that relationship had I not been medicated. I know since the breakup, he has told mutual friends that I was a "psycho" and all that. This affects me more than I would like. I am generally a perfectionist with high expectations of myself, and I hate to think now that my reputation is tarnished in this relatively small city due to how he perceived me.

 

I have sought out professionals in the past to work through this and past relationship patterns. It was identified there that I seem to have a history of placing a higher value on men that don't value me, rather than the ones that do. One therapist hypothesized that this somehow correlated with my mother's emotional unavailability/volatility towards me, but before I could further explore this, that psychologist abruptly left the clinic. At that time, I did not feel comfortable to start again with someone else. It was a shame, really.

 

My current partner is coming to be with me next month to help me recover from minor surgery for 2 weeks. I am looking forward to this, as it has been almost 2 months since we have seen each other. I believe my disturbing obsessive thoughts of that past relationship come to me when I am apart longer from my current partner. I suppose we will see once he gets here.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. It sounds like two unsatisfactory, nonviable relationships, back-to-back. Why not get a work up from a MD doctor? That means checking for metabolic disorders, mood disorders, etc. All the excess psychoanalysis is pointless since you can't change the past and unfortunately may, in your case, contribute to ruminating.

 

With an appropriate work up, diagnosis and treatment, you may feel more in control rather than a helpless victim and begin making healthier choices as well as stop torturing yourself with ruminations and obsessions. Being on high doses of amphetamines can case the symptoms you describe including psychotic-like thoughts and behavior as well as OCD-like behaviors.

I was prescribed rather high doses of Dexedrine (or Adderall) for a presumed diagnosis of ADHD. I didn't notice it at the time because it was so gradual, but this medication radically affected my mood and irritability with others. I believe my disturbing obsessive thoughts of that past relationship come to me when I am apart longer from my current partner.