No more sympathy.

[positiveone]

I'm not looking for sympathy, what I'm simply looking for is tools and guidance to truly heal.

 

2.5 year relearionship ended a month and a half ago and I now feel like the shell of a man I once was.

 

I lost my individualism.

 

My days blend together like one big sh*tty movie, I look forward nothing and I am so depressed that the drive to try and do something to change it is underwhelmingly low. I am going insane living like this.

 

She wants to be single right now she's 20.

I'm a male 22 .. did the party life for a while and it gets old quick.

 

To be complete honest I don't think she realizes what a deep committed relationship truly means... hence the reason why she's "sowing her oats" right now.

 

I hope she deeply regrets this when the stimulus is over from the party scene.

 

This is my only outlet anymore to write, you people are my sounding board. Thank you for being there when no-one else can or will be. I believe you all truly are the only ones who can relate.

[Wiseman2]

It's doubtful she'll regret anything if she just didn't want to be smothered tied down or be your whole life.The party scene won't help you.

 

Work on a self improvement plan to get your life on a better track. Don't depend on friends to hang out with. Get to the gym, work out, get a good haircut, better clothes and improve your inner life through useful productive endeavors.

 

Get on dating apps with a nice profile and pics and start meeting girls for coffee.

I hope she deeply regrets this when the stimulus is over from the party scene.

[Hollyj]

Have you considered therapy?

 

I was devastated after my break up. I forced myself to get out with friends - not talk about him - and I also explored any possible hobbies or new interest I could find: had to keep myself busy. The result new interests and many new friends. Your healer is time, and the more you do to try to move on, the easier it will be. Sitting around at home and feeling sorry for one's self, is not good.

 

Get out there. Remember, we have all been in your place.

[Hollyj]

I'm confused, you're the one that dropped her, and slept with a lot of girls?

[positiveone]

Hollyj, wiseman2,

 

no I'm not the one that "dropped her" I wanted to go on a 2 week break in October yes I initiated it and she was mutual! She was all for it! and it turned into this . The ball was in her court the whole time, then we went on a 2-3 week trial after x-mas and she said she didn't want to try anymore and wants to "find her own way" and be single.. I did kiss a couple girls but she kissed other dudes.

 

Regardless, I can see past that petty .

 

I didn't have sex with any girls, AT ALL.

 

In terms of her regretting it, I hope she sees that dudes out there she's "partying" with want ONE THING...

 

In that case..

I hope she realizes what she lost. She wasn't "tied down" "smothered" and there was trust in our relationship, I didn't stop her from going out and having a good time or beg her to stay with me? Lol.

 

She simply wants to be single and sow her oats.

 

Well... naturally when the high from that lifestyle wears off I hope she regrets her decision on loosing a man who cared emensilly in a healthy way.

[Hollyj]

You initiated the break.

[Doc Blaze]

In terms of her regretting it, I hope she sees that dudes out there she's "partying" with want ONE THING...

 

In that case..

I hope she realizes what she lost. She wasn't "tied down" "smothered" and there was trust in our relationship, I didn't stop her from going out and having a good time or beg her to stay with me? Lol

 

wont heal when you think this way, you will heal when you focus on yourself and come to the conclusion that she just doesnt want to be with you.

[Wiseman2]

She's 20 she should be free and single not stuck in a relationship. No, she won't regret it nor come running back. If anything, she'll find someone else.

 

You can convince yourself that it's a gigs phase and soon she'll burst through the door and rescue you from your inertia but ironically that fantasy perpetuates the inertia.

I hope she realizes what she lost. naturally when the high from that lifestyle wears off I hope she regrets her decision on loosing a man who cared emensilly in a healthy way.

[melancholy123]

Please consider therapy to help you get past this.

[positiveone]

 

You can convince yourself that it's a gigs phase and soon she'll burst through the door and rescue you from your inertia but ironically that fantasy perpetuates the inertia.

 

Wiseman2,

 

I don't know that it's gigs phase all I know is that I tried and that she sent me this text a month and a half ago after I tried re-kindling

 

"I really appreciate you putting yourself and your feelings out there and I'm really glad to hear that you are working on yourself.. I'm just in a different place right now and I'm really actually enjoying being independent and figuring things out for myself on my own. I think you should do the same for yourself, it is so much more beneficial than you realize right now. This is a perfect time for you to focus on yourself and school so you should take advantage of it. But Ill be hoping for the best for you "

[Wiseman2]

It doesn't get clearer than that. She wants her freedom. What does she mean " glad you are working on yourself' it sounds like you sent her something begging and pleading that you have or will change?

"I really appreciate you putting yourself and your feelings out there and I'm really glad to hear that you are working on yourself.. I'm just in a different place right now and I'm really actually enjoying being independent and figuring things out for myself on my own. I think you should do the same for yourself, it is so much more beneficial than you realize right now. This is a perfect time for you to focus on yourself and school so you should take advantage of it. But Ill be hoping for the best for you "

[positiveone]

Wiseman2,

 

I sent this. (3-4 weeks ago)

----

Hey you,

 

I hope you are doing well I needed to reach out to you once more.

 

I have been doing a tremendous amount of work on myself and my future.

 

I want and have always wanted you to be apart of it.

 

I feel deep in my heart we can be strong together and be incredible teachers to each other. I want our beautiful flame that once glowed to shine bright again.

 

I want to go to sleep and wake up with you, bring you flowers after a long day at work, wake up to 10 texts from you, go to the super market with you and cook with you.. and everything else

 

I want to spend time together to build up our bond and re-instill trust and love and do things for each other just to make each other smile from ear to ear.

 

Mistakes were made without having doubt. However, I want for us to thrive like I know we can with initial effort and baby steps in the beginning.

 

Rome was not built in a day but I want to build from ashes what once was and make it even greater than before so we can have a fun and light relationship

 

We can apply skills/tools we learn together.

 

I would like to address what you are feeling because you were my life/love partner and most of all my best friend.

 

I'd prefer to save that 2 1/2 year bond we shared together. I want to step up to the plate and hit a home run with you. I want us to be a strong and faithful and I want (honesty) and (communication) to be the core of what could be.

 

I know you may not have a desire to even consider this and if your heart wasn't in it then I would understand.

 

Please respond to this either way. It's hard to send something like this and get no response.

 

If you're still firm on where you are and need to be I will respect that and I won't reach out again.

 

I love you with all my heart, you are so worth fighting for.

[Wiseman2]

Ok. That explains her response. Try not to send this "get your ex back" stuff to anyone again.

 

As you see, it doesn't work and it comes off as creepy and clingy and desperate.

 

It sounds like one of those sample "get your ex back" letters all over the internet.

I have been doing a tremendous amount of work on myself and my future.

[positiveone]

Wiseman2,

 

Are you here to bash people or to help them?

 

That text came from the heart of a guy trying to save a 2.5 year relationship, have you ever been in a long term relationship ??

 

I think giving it your all and not just "throwing in the towel" when times get tough is important, even if prior mistakes were made..'begging' was not in my agenda. What was , was simply stating how I felt about the situation and that I would have preferd to save it.

 

No contact has been implemented as I know it's pointless to keep contacting.

[Wiseman2]

Point is, you live and learn and that letter simply fortified her position that she wants to "be alone right now". Relationships take two to work but only one to end it so "fighting for it" is one sided.

I think giving it your all and not just "throwing in the towel" when times get tough is important, even if prior mistakes were made.What was , was simply stating how I felt about the situation and that I would have preferd to save it.

[positiveone]

Wiseman2,

 

does this sound like gigs?

 

The excessive partying, the being independent right now etc.?

 

(I only know about the 'excessive' partying because of my mom and her mom, (they are close friends) )

 

Honestly though man.. does it sound like gigs at all?

[rich46]

Wiseman2,

 

I sent this. (3-4 weeks ago)

----

Hey you,

 

I hope you are doing well I needed to reach out to you once more.

 

I have been doing a tremendous amount of work on myself and my future.

 

I want and have always wanted you to be apart of it.

 

I feel deep in my heart we can be strong together and be incredible teachers to each other. I want our beautiful flame that once glowed to shine bright again.

 

I want to go to sleep and wake up with you, bring you flowers after a long day at work, wake up to 10 texts from you, go to the super market with you and cook with you.. and everything else

 

I want to spend time together to build up our bond and re-instill trust and love and do things for each other just to make each other smile from ear to ear.

 

Mistakes were made without having doubt. However, I want for us to thrive like I know we can with initial effort and baby steps in the beginning.

 

Rome was not built in a day but I want to build from ashes what once was and make it even greater than before so we can have a fun and light relationship

 

We can apply skills/tools we learn together.

 

I would like to address what you are feeling because you were my life/love partner and most of all my best friend.

 

I'd prefer to save that 2 1/2 year bond we shared together. I want to step up to the plate and hit a home run with you. I want us to be a strong and faithful and I want (honesty) and (communication) to be the core of what could be.

 

I know you may not have a desire to even consider this and if your heart wasn't in it then I would understand.

 

Please respond to this either way. It's hard to send something like this and get no response.

 

If you're still firm on where you are and need to be I will respect that and I won't reach out again.

 

I love you with all my heart, you are so worth fighting for.

Totally with Wiseman on this.

 

Please learn from this experience and never send a letter like that again. To this ex or any future ones.

 

How many times did you say "I" in that letter? It was all about what you wanted. Barely anything about her desires, which she has made abundantly clear to you. The only effect sending a letter like that has is to confirm that she was right to make the decision, which subsequently pushes her away even further. Probably to the point of no return, if she wasn't already there.

 

Once an ex has made a decision such as this, wanting to be single and explore other options, then it really is quite simple:

 

***You respect her wishes 100% and you disappear out of her life, totally***

 

I know it is tough to hear straight to the point advice when you are heartbroken, and we have all been where you are at some point, but you have to view it as a learning experience. Something to get through that will make you wiser in the future if/when such circumstances arise.

[Annia]

This letter seems so impersonal. Now that you tried and know her decision you need to go into full NC. But you'll only move on once you lose hope and getting back and stop expecting that she regrets her decision.

 

(the on you sent her about working in your self and etc)

[positiveone]

Rich 46,

 

I sent that before she sent me her text.. not after.

 

Anyways I am healing, I realize now that there was no future with someone who didn't make a willing effort in communication and solving issues (speed bumps) within the relationship.

 

Also had no depth of knowledge whatsoever on really any topics- lack of a creative mind etc just sort of basic.

 

There's just things I'm realizing could never work in the long run.

 

This has helped me reflect. Thanks.

[positiveone]

My question now is, could this be GIGS?

[rich46]

My question now is, could this be GIGS?

Irrelevant.

[ShatteredMan]

Rich and Wiseman are completely right on this.

 

That letter did a lot more damage than you realize.

 

Listen to what these guys are telling you. We've all been through this.

 

Make a clean break from her. Don't call, text or stalk her Facebook profile. Matter of fact, get off of Facebook altogether! You'll be amazed at how much more positive your day can be without that site making you crazy. This also means no happy birthday messages, no holiday greetings and no condolences when pets pass away.

 

I'm serious. Cut her off and do not look back. This is the strongest move you can make right now.

 

You need to seriously consider counseling. The sooner you start, the sooner you'll start healing.

 

Furthermore, you need to completely disappear from her life. You need space and time to figure out what direction you want to go as a man.

 

Ask yourself, "Am I the kind of man that the woman that I want in my life would want to date?"

 

Chances are, there's some things that you'd like to work on for yourself to make you a better person.

 

Now is the time to take those positive steps. They won't be easy. There will be a lot of sleepless nights coming your way. But you have to remember that it's a process and only you can start it and finish it.

 

I promise you that better things are coming, but you gotta take the first step and do the work on yourself to be ready for those things to come.

[snoopygal]

My question now is, could this be GIGS?

No. I'm sorry, I know that's not what you want to hear. She's not going to realize she had it better with you than she does now, "sowing her oats". Her response solidified that. After the letter you sent and after she's had time away, she still feels like this is best for both of you. However, it does sound like this may have been GIGS on your part. You wanted a break (even if it was mutual) for whatever reason, and now you want her again.

 

As for advice/tools to get past it: You said you lost your individualism. That's what you need to find again. That is what will make you happy. Who are you? What do you like? What goals do you have for yourself?

[Krankor]

OP, I would say that yes, it is GIGS, but unfortunately for you it's the type in which she got to the other side and realized that she truly does find the grass greener and wishes to stay there. Her letter was incredibly clear about that and leaves no room for interpretation otherwise.

 

Look, whether or not that message you sent her was well advised, you did what you felt you had to do, took your shot, "fought," and got your answer. So now you can move forward knowing you tried. In the highly unlikely event that she changes her mind, she knows where to find you.

 

Doing things to improve yourself (the working out, new clothes, learning new skills, etc) are important--especially the working out because it improves your mood and self-esteem instantly. But what's most important now is to just do something today--anything--to break up your pattern. You may not ne feeling it, but it doesn't matter. Have a mini-adventure and drive somewhere two hours away. Call up some buddies and have a night on the town--preferably without a lot of drinking. You need to start creating new memories without her.

 

And don't wait too long to put up a profile and start talking to other girls. Others would say I'm giving you bad advice but I don't believe in waiting forever; I believe that just keeps you stuck on your last relationship.

[positiveone]

Guys.

 

I'm going to couciling

 

I've been hanging out with other girls

 

Changed the furniture around in my room

 

New clothes

 

I exercise regularly

 

I did have gigs, but I ended it because the communication piece on her part was unbearable after multiple multiple attempts to fix it. Nothing worked. And guess what. On the 3 week trial we had after x-mas the communication piece still wasn't there. I'm not a magician I can't magically do everything perfect or even attempt too fix things if I don't have communication from the other person. It was always 80% me 20% her.

 

she NEVER came to me ONCE and tried to solve an issue or initiated a way to solve an issue on her own, she either ignored it or ran from conflict.

 

I understand what I need in my next relationship for it to be smoother, I need communication, I need someone to come to me if there's an issue and I'll be more than receptive to try and tackle the issue at hand in a respectful, caring matter. Can't read minds though, communication is what is needed.

 

I'm doing everything I need to do and it's been no communication for a month and a few days now. After that last text. I'm focusing on myself.

 

I've done a lot of self reflecting and I know that I am a good man and it feels good to feel good about myself.. I don't feel worthless anymore like I did in the beginning, I know I will find a much healthier relationship with a woman at some point.

 

Although I do have better days than others, the majority of the time it's good.

 

When they are bad I post here.

 

Thank you for your support, truly happy with how many people have posted here

 

P.s. One of the the things that helps me the most is making small goals for myself, even if it's going for a walk around the block or going to the batting cages to hit some baseballs.