Talking to another guy?

[Butterflyxx]

Are you secretly hoping your boyfriend will find out and get jealous?

 

With all the issues you've had in the past with not getting attention from him, is this some kind of ploy to get him to think someone else is interested in you and therefore he'll step up his game?

Absolutely not! I'm scared that he will find out! I know how upset and mad he'll get and I feel sick even thinking about it. That's the last thing i want. He doesn't need to step up his game, he's changed a lot in these last few months.

[Butterflyxx]

You're not a bad person.

 

There's nothing inherently wrong with enjoying male attention or flirting. You're human.

 

My suggestion is to tell your boyfriend what is going on with this guy.

 

Yes, I know that your boyfriend does not trust you. You betrayed his trust, so his feelings are justified. But he has to make a choice. It is not fair for your boyfriend to hold the past over your head and also expect the relationship to move forward. You should be able to communicate with him. You should be able to tell the truth without being called a liar. If he can't trust you, he should let you go.

 

On the other hand, if you care about your boyfriend's feelings, you should be very mindful about interacting with this other guy. And you should be prepared to cut off communication with him if that's what your boyfriend wants. I don't think that would be an unreasonable request for your boyfriend to make, given the way that the other guy keeps steering your conversation towards flirting and cuddling.

 

I have already cut contact with that guy after I told him I was in a relationship. I don't want to hurt my boyfriend either way, if I don't tell him I'm paranoid he will find out and it'll make him upset that I never told him, and if I told him then he'll be upset etc still.

He really doesn't trust me because of me lying to him when we were broken up about kissing another guy, and I lied because I didn't want to upset him, but he found out anyway.

[Jibralta]

He really doesn't trust me because of me lying to him when we were broken up about kissing another guy, and I lied because I didn't want to upset him, but he found out anyway.

 

Wow, that's even less fair of him. You were broken up!

[vesper]

If you want to stay with your current boyfriend then just take the chance that he will not find out. If he does find out, take the heat. That is all you can do and that is my suggestion. It is really up to you how you want to handle this in the end, we are all just offering you our opinions. Don't be nervous, be strong.

[Butterflyxx]

Wow, that's even less fair of him. You were broken up!

 

What do you mean by less fair?

[Butterflyxx]

If you want to stay with your current boyfriend then just take the chance that he will not find out. If he does find out, take the heat. That is all you can do and that is my suggestion. It is really up to you how you want to handle this in the end, we are all just offering you our opinions. Don't be nervous, be strong.

 

Thank you! I think it'd be wise to not mention until/if he does, and then be honest with him, and then I'll take the heat.

[j.man]

What do you mean by less fair?

That if you were broken up when you kissed another guy, it's really none of his business whether you kissed or even had sex with another guy.

 

That said, there is something suspect about it if you broke up with him to have fun with other guys only to invite him back later. Don't know the context, though.

[Jibralta]

What do you mean by less fair?

 

When I first responded, I thought that you had cheated on him by kissing another guy. But if you were on a break, you did not cheat on him.

 

What you did during that time is none of his business. You are not answerable to him about it. Period.

 

You did lie about the kiss later, but it's really stretching it for him to hold that over your head since it was none of his business anyway.

 

That's what I mean by less fair. He'd be reaching into the realm of none-of-his-business just to get angry.

[Butterflyxx]

That if you were broken up when you kissed another guy, it's really none of his business whether you kissed or even had sex with another guy.

 

That said, there is something suspect about it if you broke up with him to have fun with other guys only to invite him back later. Don't know the context, though.

 

We broke up, and the last thing he told me was 'our relationship is permanently damaged' and that he doesn't want any contact, therefore I left him alone.

A couple of weeks later I met this guy, we started talking and we hung out and we kissed.

The guys ex girlfriend somehow found out and told my ex, so i lied because I knew how incredibly upset he would be, and I felt guilty and we got back together.

From then on, he cannot trust me whatsoever, and thinks I lie all the time, when in fact I lied about the kiss because I knew it upset him, I didn't want him to find out.

If he finds out about this guy flirting with me, he will automatically presume the worst and get mad etc.

[Jibralta]

We broke up, and the last thing he told me was 'our relationship is permanently damaged' and that he doesn't want any contact, therefore I left him alone.

A couple of weeks later I met this guy, we started talking and we hung out and we kissed.

The guys ex girlfriend somehow found out and told my ex, so i lied because I knew how incredibly upset he would be, and I felt guilty and we got back together.

From then on, he cannot trust me whatsoever, and thinks I lie all the time, when in fact I lied about the kiss because I knew it upset him, I didn't want him to find out.

If he finds out about this guy flirting with me, he will automatically presume the worst and get mad etc.

 

You know, your boyfriend sounds like a huge pain in the ass. I take back what I said about telling him about the snapchat guy. Instead, I think you should ditch your boyfriend.

I hope you come to your senses, lose the guilt, and do a lot better for yourself. Nobody owns you.

[Wiseman2]

At 18, you need to talk to your parents or a college counselor, trusted adult, etc. about controlling, jealous and possessive guys.

 

Also start researching "dating red flags" so you can start to form a concept of what normal, healthy and acceptable is when it comes to dating. What you're doing now is drama, not dating.

[boltnrun]

This guy has been nothing but drama and problems for you.

 

First you couldn't get him to spend time with you. Now he's acting controlling.

 

Why do you keep trying to make this work? I know, you "love him". But besides that???

[Butterflyxx]

At 18, you need to talk to your parents or a college counselor, trusted adult, etc. about controlling, jealous and possessive guys.

 

Also start researching "dating red flags" so you can start to form a concept of what normal, healthy and acceptable is when it comes to dating. What you're doing now is drama, not dating.

 

I'm not sure why everyone here is saying he's controlling.

The reason why he got so upset is because he was shocked I 'moved on' so quickly. I mean I'm 18, i was single and I met up with a guy to hang out, and we ended up making out.

I to an extent agree with what my boyfriend said, but I'm not too sure.

[Butterflyxx]

You know, your boyfriend sounds like a huge pain in the ass. I take back what I said about telling him about the snapchat guy. Instead, I think you should ditch your boyfriend.

I hope you come to your senses, lose the guilt, and do a lot better for yourself. Nobody owns you.

 

I know no one owns me, I don't quite understand what you mean. I think he just was disappointed that I kissed another guy a few weeks after we broke up

[Jibralta]

I'm not sure why everyone here is saying he's controlling.

The reason why he got so upset is because he was shocked I 'moved on' so quickly. I mean I'm 18, i was single and I met up with a guy to hang out, and we ended up making out.

I to an extent agree with what my boyfriend said, but I'm not too sure.

 

You seem to be a person who naturally wants to do the right thing. If you think you've done the wrong thing, you feel guilty about it.

 

I'm like that, too. It's called a having conscience, and it's a good quality to have.

 

But you have an overblown sense of guilt and responsibility. You don't realize this right now because you are young, but he is taking advantage of that.

 

There is a limit to what you are responsible for. When you and your boyfriend were broken up, you had no obligation to him. Period.

 

If your boyfriend doesn't like that, he has to eat his feelings. The end. If he can't do that, it's his problem. Not yours. These are called boundaries.

 

People with strong boundaries know where their responsibility begins and ends.

 

People with weak boundaries either blame themselves too much (you) or blame others too much (him). When people like you and him get together, it's trouble for YOU. It creates a dynamic where he blames you for everything, and you also blame you for everything! That's not a healthy relationship.

 

Google codependence. Google manipulation through guilt. Google neurotic and character disordered. You'll see the dynamic spelled out in different ways.

 

There is point at which you must let yourself off the hook for your mistakes. And here is why: there are people out there who are the opposite of what you are. They don't care whether they do the right thing or the wrong thing. They don't feel guilty for hurting other people.

 

You can't understand that and you never will. Nobody with a conscience will ever understand, so don't bother trying.

 

The thing you need to understand--must understand-- is that people who feel no guilt of their own will use your guilt to control you. They will do this by blaming you. This will work, because you have weak boundaries and accept the blame for things that aren't your responsibility.

 

These people look and act just like everybody else. They look and act like your boyfriend. You can only recognize them if you have good boundaries. So educate yourself, and strengthen your boundaries!

 

You need to forgive yourself right now. You are not responsible for his feelings.

 

I know no one owns me, I don't quite understand what you mean. I think he just was disappointed that I kissed another guy a few weeks after we broke up

 

Nope. It's manipulation.

[Butterflyxx]

You seem to be a person who naturally wants to do the right thing. If you think you've done the wrong thing, you feel guilty about it.

 

I'm like that, too. It's called a having conscience, and it's a good quality to have.

 

But you have an overblown sense of guilt and responsibility. You don't realize this right now because you are young, but he is taking advantage of that.

 

There is a limit to what you are responsible for. When you and your boyfriend were broken up, you had no obligation to him. Period.

 

If your boyfriend doesn't like that, he has to eat his feelings. The end. If he can't do that, it's his problem. Not yours. These are called boundaries.

 

People with strong boundaries know where their responsibility begins and ends.

 

People with weak boundaries either blame themselves too much (you) or blame others too much (him). When people like you and him get together, it's trouble for YOU. It creates a dynamic where he blames you for everything, and you also blame you for everything! That's not a healthy relationship.

 

Google codependence. Google manipulation through guilt. Google neurotic and character disordered. You'll see the dynamic spelled out in different ways.

 

There is point at which you must let yourself off the hook for your mistakes. And here is why: there are people out there who are the opposite of what you are. They don't care whether they do the right thing or the wrong thing. They don't feel guilty for hurting other people.

 

You can't understand that and you never will. Nobody with a conscience will ever understand, so don't bother trying.

 

The thing you need to understand--must understand-- is that people who feel no guilt of their own will use your guilt to control you. They will do this by blaming you. This will work, because you have weak boundaries and accept the blame for things that aren't your responsibility.

 

These people look and act just like everybody else. They look and act like your boyfriend. You can only recognize them if you have good boundaries. So educate yourself, and strengthen your boundaries!

 

You need to forgive yourself right now. You are not responsible for his feelings.

 

 

 

Nope. It's manipulation.

 

Some people on this website before have had similar views regarding my boyfriend, but I'm not entirely sure why? I just cannot see how he is manipulative, or how he is taking advantage of my conscious.

I have told him time and time again that when we weren't together, I was able to meet whoever I wanted, without issues etc, and the situation with the guy I kissed wasn't anything to do with him, yet he argues about how I knew I was hurting him and that I'm cold and evil for kissing another guy. I mean, I don't think I was being evil or cold especially because I went to great lengths to ensure he didn't find out because I knew things would blow up (he apparently punched a door and himself in the head when he found out).

Similarly, about 3 years ago, when me and my boyfriend were only friends, I had feelings for one of his friends, but to this day my boyfriend is very funny about the guy, and thinks the fact that I liked him was terrible, and is sarcastic when he comes up in conversation.

[Jibralta]

Some people on this website before have had similar views regarding my boyfriend, but I'm not entirely sure why? I just cannot see how he is manipulative, or how he is taking advantage of my conscious.

 

You have to put two and two together to figure it out. You have to do the work. It's nobody else's responsibility to make you understand. Maybe you never will figure it out. Makes no difference to me.