Is it all over now that he slept with me?

[Shylo1786]

Hi all, thanks in advance for reading this and helping me out.

 

A week ago, I met up with a (new) friend at a bar. We had been meeting for lunches and teas for about a month prior, and over time I had come to the point where I decided I'd like to hook up with him. I also felt that he was interested in me -- lots of compliments, really touchy, always wanting to make other plans to meet up. He's not much of a texter, so we'd really only message to make plans for a few days later, etc. Anyway, that Friday night at the bar, we walked back to his place and started making out. He asked me to go home with him and I said yes, and he checked in with me to make sure that, "We'll be okay after this..." I said yes, because then and now, I just wanted to hook up with a nice new friend with no strings attached.

 

I think the sex was good -- varied, he sounded into it, some dirty talk, he complimented me, and then afterwards he said that it was "fun." I asked him if he wanted me to stay the night and he said that I didn't have to leave right away, so I stuck around, cuddled and talked, and then went home about an hour later. I didn't hear from him that weekend until I checked in on Sunday night, and he responded saying he'd had a good weekend. I thought everything was good, but as this week progressed I didn't hear from him at all. On Thursday I asked him to meet up for tea during the day, but we couldn't make our schedules fit. He didn't suggest a new time, just said: "Another time then." On Friday night I ran into him at another bar and he wasn't as touchy as he normally is (I initiated a hug), and the talk was a bit rushed. Then I saw him again yesterday. I asked if he was hungry and wanted to get something to eat and he said, "Not really, right now."

 

I'm beginning to think that I'm getting the friendship brush off here, or that maybe I have annoyed him somehow. I don't have much experience with one-off sex, but is it common that a guy would no longer want to hang out with me, even though we had a good rapport before the sex? Should I refrain from being in touch, from now on? Am I completely over-reacting?

[j.man]

I mean have you considered trying to actually set plans in advance? It's likewise not a strong sign of interest if you're trying to set up dates that appear to be last minute time-fillers. I'd think much more of it if you were asking him out in advance and he were offering no alternatives.

 

But to answer your question, it's common if sex was all they were ever after. You didn't ruin any opportunities just by having sex, though. Guys don't discount women they're genuinely into just because they had sex early. Had you two ever even talked about what you were looking for during these previous meets?

 

Also, I'd say it's just as often the case that women self-fulfill their own prophecies getting insecure following sex and exuding it. Could be that the sex was good for you but not for him. Hard to tell without having been there.

 

My hunch would be that he wasn't terribly into you after the previous month but was attracted to you enough to meet up for a couple drinks and to bump uglies, and you having asked to stay the night clued him in that you're not the type to bonk for fun, so he's distancing himself.

 

But, again, I can't read the guy's mind. I'd say that if sex that doesn't lead to commitment discourages you, then you should probably wait until you're in a relationship to do the deed.

[Matt3939]

Set up a date at a place with a time you are both free. If he blows you off say hay actually forget that I just want to have sex again. If he agrees you know what's up. I'd say if he was into you he wouldn't be blowing you off. Good luck

[ParisPaulette]

and he checked in with me to make sure that, "We'll be okay after this..."

 

That's about the time I would probably have bailed on this guy, IF I knew I wasn't going to be okay with just potentially being a one-night thing or never hearing from him again or even yes being "just sex." Because when someone is really into you, they aren't thinking about "Now, this isn't going to get weird - i.e. you getting clingy or wanting more - if we sleep together, right?" They're usually so happy you said yes that all other functions to their brain shut down beyond that one thing as did yours. And they wake up the next day and they're like, "I have a live one here, the drought is over, gonna hold on to this for awhile!" Also I have only ever heard that speech from people who know they're gonna fade away right after that and they're sort of letting you know, even subconsciously, that there will be a reason things won't be "okay" right after the deed is done. Sort of like when someone tells you they're a nice guy or girl, it's time to run. Because people who don't have to try and "prove" or get you to trust they won't be some way, do not then speak up and say, "I'm not that way/like that/worried about this." This is at least my own experience, maybe someone has a different one.

 

So I would say your asking to stay afterwards sent the message to him that you now want or expect more. Because yeah, you kind of do. It's obvious in what followed afterwards, it's obvious in that you're on here now instead of just saying to yourself, "That was fun," then moving on to figure out what you want for lunch or what your next date is going to look like or going back to that work project you were on.

 

And he is definitely sending signals of "please, just back off, I already hinted this wasn't anything serious." So it's not serious, no interest there even in a friends with benefits or he'd have been saying at best, "Can't do anything right now, but I'm free tonight. Your place or mine?" So it's time to pull back, smile and wave if you see him in public, and move forward with dating other guys. It's not that you did anything wrong, he wasn't looking for anything serious and yeah he's lost interest. The next guy though might be thrilled you stayed, so I don't think you should change yourself or how you handle things.

 

Just realize if you don't want to be "just sex" for someone then maybe it's better to leave that off the table until you know whether you both want the same things. No need to even block or delete or get upset or call him or anything, just fade as he has and move on.

[Dahl]

Hello, Shy, and welcome to the forum.

 

Just to clarify - are you still interested in the FWB dynamic or has this experience soured you on the idea?

 

Not judging - just trying to get up to speed.

 

Cheers.

[Twinflamer]

Well the first clue that this guy only wants a hookup/FWB is-that he went out of his way and abruptly halted your make-out session, just to ask you:

"We'll be okay after this."

Meaning that he wanted to make it very clear, to you, that having sex wasn't going to lead to some happily ever after; romantic love story-but rather- just a casual hookup with no strings attached. And obviously you knew his true intensions as well- by stating- yourself:

"" I said yes, because then and now, I just wanted to hook up with a nice new friend with no strings attached."

 

He didnt offer to let you stay the night, & if it were up to him- he would have probably had you leave the moment sex was over- if you hadn't asked him if you could stay.

 

He's repeatedly shunned, dodged, & avoided all attempts, on your part, to establish any sort of- future plans with you- and is making it quite obvious that he is not interested in a deep loving & commited relationship with you- at this time.

 

My advice- unless FWB is okay with you- cut your loses now, go NC and find someone who truly wants the type of relationship- that you too, want.

[Shylo1786]

Thanks for this. I didn't think, at the time, that I had asked to stay. I said: "Would you like me to leave?" But maybe that was still too forward and I should have just left anyway.

[Shylo1786]

I'm more than okay with friends with benefits, actually, but not getting the vibe that's what he wants.

[HeartGoesOn]

I said yes, because then and now, I just wanted to hook up with a nice new friend with no strings attached.

 

Your status went from "a nice new friend" to FWB's. NSA is exactly what it means, as well as what you requested. Having said that, I'm not sure what the problem is?

[Shylo1786]

I think it's that I'm sad to have, apparently, lost a friend now. Or he really didn't care on any level.

[Shylo1786]

Not soured!

[Shylo1786]

Or maybe a more interesting question: even if the sex is NSA, doesn't a friendship have strings?

[j.man]

Or maybe a more interesting question: even if the sex is NSA, doesn't a friendship have strings?

I think you should stop kidding yourself that you can handle NSA anything.

 

But to answer your question, all friendships are technically NSA. They're friendships, not commitments.

 

I completely missed the part where you claimed to have been looking for "NSA" until it was quoted. People looking for that don't try to indirectly invite themselves to stay the night.

 

It's also a good idea not to build friendships on the foundation of sex.

[Shylo1786]

Okay. Thanks. I really wasn't trying to inadvertently invite myself to stay the night, I was wondering what he expected. But it is good to know what I did wrong.

[Wiseman2]

It seems he took it literally when you said 'no strings'. Unfortunately it does sound like he's fading a bit. Lay back and wait for him to reach out to you. It sounds like he wants hookups or fwb, not dating or a relationship.

I said yes, because then and now, I just wanted to hook up with a nice new friend with no strings attached.

[boltnrun]

"Or he really didn't care on any level."

 

But NSA sex doesn't require "caring".

 

The fact that you want "caring" leads me to believe you were developing feelings. Otherwise, you'd be saying "Oh well, on to the next one!"

[fabact]

Okay. Thanks. I really wasn't trying to inadvertently invite myself to stay the night, I was wondering what he expected. But it is good to know what I did wrong.

 

you didn't do anything wrong. It's fine to figure out if you're spending the night or not. In fact you were nice about it. The guy was inside you he can deal with having you spend the night if it makes you happy. He doesn't have to see you again if he doesn't want to. But believe me asking if you should leave was not pushing him away. He had his agenda before the deed even happened. He was just hoping you wouldn't notice he doesn't want any commitment by not even texting the next day to say had a nice time thanks. It's common courtesy and you were friends before. Don't feel like you pushed him away. You probably dodged months of hearbreaks.