Fiance's mother

[emmamomocat]

Hi everyone

 

I've been dating my fiancé for two years, and we got engaged about two months ago. Things have been going great between us, and I'm very happy with him. The only problem is his mother.

 

Generally, I get on with her really well. However, today things really came to a head.

 

My fiancé and I share a flat together which he owns, and I pay him rent and bills every month. We both work full time so it makes sense. I've lived there for a year with him.

 

Anyway, the boiler in his flat stopped working a couple of days ago. It's been condemned by our gas company who says it needs replaced. My fiancé is away with friends this weekend as well. His mum was really nice and said she would come round on Saturday to wait in a couple of hours for an engineer to see if they could fix it (as I had plans to see my grandfather). Anyway, she only had to wait about an hour before a guy turned up and explained that it couldn't be repaired. My fiancé's mum text me and said she would come back at 4pm when an engineer would come and give us a quote for a new boiler.

 

I replied with: "Hi, thanks for the text. I'll be back by 4pm so don't worry about it. In fact I'm heading home in about half an hour. xx"

 

She said, "I'll come up and run through with u and the engineer... see u about 4 xx"

 

So I said "Don't worry, it's fine. I can always call you if I'm stuck. xx"

 

For reference, I moved out of home 11 years ago and can survive fine on my own. I didn't need extra help in getting a quote for the boiler and my fiancé and I had already discussed price etc. I wasn't expecting his mum to come round after my last text, and she never replied.

 

So 4pm came around, and thank goodness she didn't appear. I'd been out all day and just wanted time to sort things out and chill out. But at 4.30pm there was a knock at the door. I assumed it was the gas engineer, but no, it was his mum. I was mortified that she had come round despite my texts. I was so angry I just started putting away dishes so that I wouldn't say anything I regretted. I told her as politely as I could that she didn't need to come round and that I could sort things out on my own (she also lives 30 mins drive away so ). She left obviously annoyed.

 

So I called up my fiancé to tell him how much his mum had overstepped, and his response was that she was just trying to be helpful and I'd been rude to her. He said my texts didn't make it clear that she couldn't come round. I feel so angry that he's taking her side with his. I feel like she's so interfering. This isn't the first time something like this has happened either.

 

What do you guys think? Am I being unreasonable?

[arjumand]

Seriously, this is the problem with his mother? If this is the only time she has shown up when you didn't want her too -- and remember, she had talked to the other engineer so may have had some details, and had done YOU a favor -- you totally overreacted and were rude. My MIL has never done me a favor and believe me, would never offer to help. If she were constantly showing up when specifically told not to, then you have a problem. Once? Grow up and learn to live with imperfect people. You owe her an apology and you need to tell your fiance you were wrong. Why don't you do a little reading on here about people with actually problematic in-laws.

[Wiseman2]

Agree with him. You asked her a favor. She wanted to be there perhaps on his behalf or to be helpful, whatever.

 

Don't ask her favors then play "miss independent". Cancel your fun plans and hang around waiting for repair people yourself next time. It was kind of snotty to ignore her when she came all that way, expected or not.

 

Why weren't you just gracious for her favor and offer her some tea, whatever? Hopefully he won't call things off after you treated her with this ungratefulness and disrespect.

I called up my fiancé to tell him how much his mum had overstepped, and his response was that she was just trying to be helpful and I'd been rude to her.

[milly007]

I think that your mother-in-law could have interpreted your last text as you not wanting to impose on her or inconvenience her. As a parent she still wanted to show up, help and make sure you two were taken care of. She meant well.

 

Unfortunately, I think you over-reacted.

 

I think you misconstrued her caring and wanting to help as an implication that you're unable to care for yourself and fiancé.

 

She was just being a parent. Her heart was in the right place.

[emmamomocat]

Seriously, this is the problem with his mother? .

 

Actually she decided that our wedding should have an extra 25 guests (of her choosing), and insisted on choosing a venue for us.

[arjumand]

Then you need to have a discussion with your fiance about this, instead of overreacting to other things. If you don't want her to have say over your wedding then he needs to be the one to tell her. If he always lets her have her way and won't stand up for the two of you then you need to think about if this is the right relationship for you. Also, is she paying for her 25 guests or are you?

[j.man]

Actually she decided that our wedding should have an extra 25 guests (of her choosing), and insisted on choosing a venue for us.

How does someone who's not paying for it add 25 people to the guest list and pick the venue?

[j.man]

And, yes, you were rude. Glad your boyfriend didn't placate you.

[Seraphim]

His mom isn't going away. If you want to have a happy marriage you're just going to have to be polite . Take it from somebody who's been married for 23 years with absolutely horrendous in laws. Just be polite.

[emmamomocat]

I understand I may seem completely ungrateful, but growing up I had a mother who really was not hands-on. I'm used to being left completely to my own devices. And I really value my own privacy.

 

In addition, the boiler was actually declared unsafe a year ago and my fiancé didn't do anything about it. The engineer was supposed to come on Friday when he was off but they didn't turn up He has went away on his fun plan for a weekend with his friends, but I was supposed to stay and sort out the boiler. I don't exactly see that as being fair when I'm a tenant rather than the landlord.

[milly007]

Actually she decided that our wedding should have an extra 25 guests (of her choosing), and insisted on choosing a venue for us.

 

Who is paying for the wedding and these 25 guests?

[j.man]

I don't exactly see that as being fair when I'm a tenant rather than the landlord.

Many property management companies will expect the tenant to be around to greet the service workers at their own unit. You're simply not meant to pay for it (depending on your lease and the state law).

 

Especially if you're paying under market rate for your space there, I'd be careful picking a battle over being the one to invite the engineer in.

[emmamomocat]

Many property management companies will expect the tenant to be around to greet the service workers at their own unit. You're simply not meant to pay for it (depending on your lease and the state law).

 

Especially if you're paying under market rate for your space there, I'd be careful picking a battle over being the one to invite the engineer in.

 

The problem is that my fiancé owns the flat, so he's the landlord.

[emmamomocat]

Who is paying for the wedding and these 25 guests?

 

My parents are giving us £6000 and his parents are giving us £6000. We agreed on 80 guests as a total number.

 

Then his mum came and said she wanted an additional 25, which will cost us an extra £100 a head. So yeah, £2500 more than we had planned. We've decided to meet her half way and give her ten, but she's not happy.

[j.man]

The problem is that my fiancé owns the flat, so he's the landlord.

Have you ever rented before?

 

In many localities, the landlord is responsible for arranging and paying for a maintenance service. That doesn't mean they're required to stand next to your door waiting for them. Sometimes it's on the tenant to call an approved service provider themselves and arrange it. The landlord simply handles the bill. It's very, even most often expected that the tenant be around to invite the repairman in. Hell, a lot will even have you pay then and deduct it from the rent later.

 

Also, if you want a wedding run your way without concession, don't take thousands of dollars from other people. You were free to hand her the £6000 back if you didn't want the extra guests. Sounds like one of those good problems.

[Seraphim]

Okay but families all relate differently. You have to adapt to his too.

[Wiseman2]

You live in that flat also but can't be responsible for the not so fun things? It sounds like even though you enjoy the title of fiance, you don't want any of the responsibilities of partnership. So you were pissed that he went away and took it out on his mother by asking her to hang out for repair people then got nasty with her because you are pissed at him?

He has went away on his fun plan for a weekend with his friends, but I was supposed to stay and sort out the boiler. I don't exactly see that as being fair.

[Seraphim]

My parents are giving us £6000 and his parents are giving us £6000. We agreed on 80 guests as a total number.

 

Then his mum came and said she wanted an additional 25, which will cost us an extra £100 a head. So yeah, £2500 more than we had planned. We've decided to meet her half way and give her ten, but she's not happy.

If you do not want any interference in your wedding hand both families their money back.

[zeino]

Yes, you have a future mother-in-law who has overstepped your boundaries, at least to your understanding, which is important. Will this be sorted out by some fine-tuning in time or will you be one of the women involuntarily finding themselves on the justnomil section of reddit is to be seen. It will also depend on your fiancé and how much he is willing to team up with you (this doesn't mean being rude to his mother necessarily but it means committing to you and your wellbeing at least as much as to his mother. This has nothing to do with your background, his background. Once you have chosen each other, that's it really.)

 

What is missing here at the moment: It seems that your fiance has not validated your feelings of disturbance even though your reaction may be faulty (I'm not saying that it is) and hasn't recognized your need for this boundary even though you may have expressed it not so well (I'm not saying that you didn't). So you two can work for these under whatever circumstance.

 

Experience for you: This future MIL may be prone to missing the message when you feel you are expressing it in the politest way possible. How can you be more clear but polite and firm at the same time next time this happens?

 

Sign of future intentions (but they can change if she is a controller so keep on taking mental notes): Apologize to her openly saying mybe you expressed yourself wrongly and you are sorry if her feelings have been hurt. You thought you agreed that she would not come. Tell her this is not personal to her but about your feeling of self-sufficiency (but avoid justifying or explaining too much).

 

If she reacts positively, maybe apologizes back, drops the issue and respects clearly stated boundaries in the future, there is no problem. Maybe it's just a difference in styles but deep down she respects you as an adult with her own personality and maybe she doesn't want to step over anyone's boundaries anyway. Give her the credit of doubt and the chance to reveal her own self.

 

If she carries on with a tension, if your fiance is put in the middle or if you feel like your fiance is avoiding empathy and boundary building together with you, I'd say be careful.

 

About the wedding and everything. Unfortunately, this is textbook of controlling mothers but maybe this woman just fell into the category accidentally. I would treat this as a boundary as well. But I agree with other posters that it is your fiance who should be dealing with his part of the family.

 

A truly toxic mother (like my ex BF's mother) would try to befriend you especially when you are alone to collect info. She would also constantly present herself to her son as a loving person toward me despite micro-aggressions especially when he is not around. Still, she would try to manage everything. These escalate when relationships are about to turn serious corners. Our relationship did not make it because my ex BF only placated me but did not actually stand up for us. BUt this was an extreme family and not everyone is abusive - to their children- to this degree. I believe you can give a chance to better your communication with your fiance and his mother while being firm about your relationships. If you don't defend your boundaries, things do not get better. Fiance's attitude is the key here. He isn't simply a neutral judge of things is he? He is someone who is supposedly ready to swear to look after you at all times? He should do that. When he gets married, it will be called "honoring his vows."

 

From a distance, it feels like you are in a triangle now where you feel victimized but are treated as the persecutor. Have a look at Karpman's triangle and ways to remove yourself from the corner and move into the middle.

 

Stay strong!

[j.man]

So you were pissed that he went away and took it out on his mother by asking her to hang out for repair people then got nasty with her because you are pissed at him?

I thought that was funny, too.

 

Mad she has to be the one to stick around to invite the engineer in.

Gets upset when someone else comes to invite him in so she doesn't have to.

 

Sounds like someone's hatin' just to hate.

[RainyCoast]

i hope that this circus about the heater is actually just a displacement of the larger concern about the wedding, and if it is, recognize that you need to explain to MiL and boyfriend politely that you will not be exceeding your budget, or cross a few of your own people off the list- trust me there are so many that dread weddings and will only put up with them if they really care about you, but would be grateful if you uninvited them.

 

if it's not and you genuinely get this nasty about friendly offers, that's just unfathomable. when you live somewhere- landlord or tenant- overseeing the maintenance is the least of your responsibility.

 

if nothing else, there's really no reason to completely lose your manners.

[Seraphim]

Also if you guys are independent you don't need about $20,000 ( when converted to CAD)

[j.man]

Also if you guys are independent you don't need about $20,000 ( when converted to CAD)

Give me £6000 for a wedding and you can invite the entire Mormon Tabernacle Choir and their pets for all I care.

[mustlovedogs]

You sound terribly rude and ungrateful... for what it's worth, they are paying for your wedding. Wanting more guests is completely fair, *even if* it's out of your pocket since so many expenses are out of their pockets.

 

And your MIL did you a favor.

 

I suggest you step back from this thread, cool down, and think about what we are saying and try to understand if it has merit. You will have a very bumpy marriage otherwise if these things cause you so much anger.

[journeynow]

Neither of you are owner, you each have valid reasons for being stand-ins for your BF. Take her actions in a positive light: she was being helpful, may has a different experience to bring to the situation, and DON'T take it as a judgement on you or your abilities. Combined, you two could be an awesome team. At odds, you can undermine each other.

 

Maybe you and your MIL are similar? Are you each strong-willed? See if you can connect rather than fight each other. Over time, you might find things you share to connect over. When I first met my MIL I didn't think we had anything in common. 30-something years later, we have a lot of common interests and outlooks, and I love her dearly and can still talk with her for hours. It took a long time to discover our connection (we have major differences in standard of living, politics and religion), but I'm grateful we did. She raised your BF, who you love, so she must have some good qualities. Focus on those.