In what context is it appropriate for a parter to be friends with an ex?

[boltnrun]

So you're still OK with him hiding your relationship from her?

[Pretzel]

So you're still OK with him hiding your relationship from her?

 

I am going to ask him to tell her if/when they plan on catching up again...that seems fair. I just don't want to obsess over it like it's this huge thing that's all.

[abitbroken]

I am going to ask him to tell her if/when they plan on catching up again...that seems fair. I just don't want to obsess over it like it's this huge thing that's all.

 

He should not have to prove or disprove that he is trying to keep his options open. He will turn it around on you anyhow. it does not matter what his intention is...it is NOT appropriate for them to have a friendship where they regularly talk, particularly being that there is unfinished business AND particularly because he was so adamant about YOU tying up loose ends with your ex....and it is MORE not okay that she doesn't know about you! It is NOT obsessing!!

 

He expects that YOU tied all your loose ends up with your ex, that you will hurry up and move out of your parents' house so he can play house or roll in the hay whenever he wants, but yet he can still carry on with his ex and tell YOU that He is so invested in your relationship??? This all sounds a wee bit lopsided.

[Pretzel]

He should not have to prove or disprove that he is trying to keep his options open. He will turn it around on you anyhow. it does not matter what his intention is...it is NOT appropriate for them to have a friendship where they regularly talk, particularly being that there is unfinished business AND particularly because he was so adamant about YOU tying up loose ends with your ex....and it is MORE not okay that she doesn't know about you! It is NOT obsessing!!

 

He expects that YOU tied all your loose ends up with your ex, that you will hurry up and move out of your parents' house so he can play house or roll in the hay whenever he wants, but yet he can still carry on with his ex and tell YOU that He is so invested in your relationship??? This all sounds a wee bit lopsided.

 

Put like that, yes! That's not what I meant. But what i meant is: I don't want to NOT trust him until he gives me an actual reason not to trust him, otherwise i feel we will become unhealthy. He has not lied to me before. I don't believe that they talk regularly, no i would definitely not be okay with it if they did. They only had that one call last week, and that's why i don't know what 'friends' means, it could just mean 'lets be civil' and after 6 years I get it. I do want him to tell her about me but not for my ego purposes, just for the reasons that you've pointed out (in case of any hope or loose ends etc). Honestly...i have been there, been in her position, in the ex position, and it isn't nice. I don't see why she should know or why he would tell her if they are not talking. BUT if they do catch up again, i think it would be appropriate to tell her. I will definitely tell him this.

 

My gut feeling about the status quo though is a good feeling, is what i meant. So yes, i DO intend to clarify boundaries, but I'm less freaked about it at the moment putting everything into perspective.

Just found out tonight he's also booked a surprise trip for this weekend. Just need to figure out what to tell my mother about this now...

[abitbroken]

Put like that, yes! That's not what I meant. But what i meant is: I don't want to NOT trust him until he gives me an actual reason not to trust him, otherwise i feel we will become unhealthy. He has not lied to me before. I don't believe that they talk regularly, no i would definitely not be okay with it if they did. They only had that one call last week, and that's why i don't know what 'friends' means, it could just mean 'lets be civil' and after 6 years I get it. I do want him to tell her about me but not for my ego purposes, just for the reasons that you've pointed out (in case of any hope or loose ends etc). Honestly...i have been there, been in her position, in the ex position, and it isn't nice. I don't see why she should know or why he would tell her if they are not talking. BUT if they do catch up again, i think it would be appropriate to tell her. I will definitely tell him this.

 

My gut feeling about the status quo though is a good feeling, is what i meant. So yes, i DO intend to clarify boundaries, but I'm less freaked about it at the moment putting everything into perspective.

Just found out tonight he's also booked a surprise trip for this weekend. Just need to figure out what to tell my mother about this now...

 

She lives a few states away. Being CIVIL means that if she was someone he might run into - they still live on the same block, are in the same industry and he COULD run into her by accident, he would treat her like any other human being, it does not mean going out of your way to CALL someone. They DID NOT have just that one call last week - you told us yourself of the multiple times they communicated and the fact he never tied up anything with her. Besides, he was adamant that YOU could not be in contact with your ex, so why are you trying to justify this??? I am sure if you ran into your ex in the line at the deli, you would't smack him in the face - you would get your stuff and if your eyes met you might say "hi". THAT is being civil but not seeking one out in friendship.

 

You have to stop protecting him. You keep saying you don't like something and then the minute you think about taking a stance, you backpedal and tell us why its not worth it to bring up and you want to keep things calm.

 

A man with good boundaries would never surprise you with a trip. he would talk to you and ask how you felt about going on a trip with him and not just spring it on you, particularly the first one. planning the first trip together should be a big deal and it should be something both of you plan for and work for. I would tell him sorry but you are saving money up to pay off your credit cards and move out - you can't be going on a trip right now. But he doesn't seem to care about your boundaries at all.

[Pretzel]

She lives a few states away. Being CIVIL means that if she was someone he might run into - they still live on the same block, are in the same industry and he COULD run into her by accident, he would treat her like any other human being, it does not mean going out of your way to CALL someone. They DID NOT have just that one call last week - you told us yourself of the multiple times they communicated and the fact he never tied up anything with her. Besides, he was adamant that YOU could not be in contact with your ex, so why are you trying to justify this??? I am sure if you ran into your ex in the line at the deli, you would't smack him in the face - you would get your stuff and if your eyes met you might say "hi". THAT is being civil but not seeking one out in friendship.

 

You have to stop protecting him. You keep saying you don't like something and then the minute you think about taking a stance, you backpedal and tell us why its not worth it to bring up and you want to keep things calm.

 

A man with good boundaries would never surprise you with a trip. he would talk to you and ask how you felt about going on a trip with him and not just spring it on you, particularly the first one. planning the first trip together should be a big deal and it should be something both of you plan for and work for. I would tell him sorry but you are saving money up to pay off your credit cards and move out - you can't be going on a trip right now. But he doesn't seem to care about your boundaries at all.

 

I appreciate the advice and i am in no way defending him for bad behaviour - I've expressed strongly where he has majorly upset me (over not moving out). But its a little unfair to always think the worst of him and come on so strong over everything i post about - I just wanted some advice regarding being friends with an ex for the future (in case they do talk again) - as i said at the beginning of this post. I wrote saying this is not an urgent issue, i just want advice for the future.

 

They have not spoken multiple times. They spoke once only, on the phone last week for the first time after 4 MONTHS of NC. This is the FIRST time they talked on the phone since I have known him. That's why I posted about it. I just wanted to brace myself for if they were to end up talking again. Where did I say that they they are in regular contact? No disrespect at all I appreciate all the advice I get on here, but I am also the person in the relationship and able to tune into my gut feeling.

 

It is easy to go on a few statements i've made about him to cast him in a bad light to just think the worst of him, but to clarify yes he did ask me first if I'll be able to do an over night stay out of town on the weekend and I said yes but just for one night. The surprise element was the location. And he showed me a photo afterwards (just tonight). He offered to pay and since he found this place and came up with the idea and it's just one night i accepted the offer.

[Jibralta]

I am going to ask him to tell her if/when they plan on catching up again...that seems fair. I just don't want to obsess over it like it's this huge thing that's all.

 

For me, it would be a huge thing. But that's just me.

[boltnrun]

The "catching up" is one thing. The fact that he isn't willing to "hurt" her by letting him know that the two of you are in a relationship is more disturbing. He'd rather have you be uncomfortable, wondering about his feelings for her, than upset this ex of his. Her feelings apparently trump yours.

 

And THAT is what would upset me.

[Pretzel]

I found a good time to raise this on the weekend. I had a good entry point into the topic because he was judging someone else (one of my friends) for wanting to go to an exes birthday party. And I said to him: But it's fine for you to be 'friends' with your ex? And he said that he wouldn't go to her birthday party. I asked then what it means for them to be 'friends' then. And he said 'I don't know, we have only just had that one phone call since we broke up; we haven't spoken since'. And i asked him what he would like it to be. And he said 'Just to hear every once in a while that she is happy and doing okay'. I asked if either one of them asked if they are seeing someone else on that call, and he said no, neither of them asked. 'I can only tell her at a point where I know it wouldn't upset her, and that point is not yet.' I told him i was worried it means he still has a foot in the door, and he said no absolutely not.

 

It sounds like he still cares about her, but doesn't want to be in a relationship with her and wants me to respect that he needs more time until he tells her he's met someone new.

[RainyCoast]

so this discussion landed you right where you were prior to it.

 

'I can only tell her at a point where I know it wouldn't upset her, and that point is not yet.'

[boltnrun]

So once again, he's putting her feelings above yours.

 

Did you TELL him that it's concerning to you that he refuses to tell her about you? Or are you pretending you're fine with it?

[Pretzel]

I'm not pretending, I don't care if he doesn't tell her so long as they aren't talking. I don't see what I'd benefit from her knowing just for the sake of it.

 

He's told me expressly that he does not want to be with her, I'm fine with giving him more time until he feels the time is right to tell her. Once we meet the 6 months or 1 year mark together if that happens then I'll see where things are at then.