Are "rebounds" really a bad thing?

[Krankor]

So, the conventional wisdom here and elsewhere seems to be that any relationship that starts soon after the dissolution of another is bound to fail, that it's not "real," that it's just a rebound. And that when a relationship ends you must take plenty of time to get over your ex before you even think about dating again.

 

However, I recently came across an article in "Psychology Today" that challenges that wisdom. The gist of it was that by waiting you just delay the healing, that a new love is the perfect remedy for a broken heart. It asserted that waiting a long time between relationships only causes depression and hurts your self-esteem. It also stated that length of time between relationships is no indicator of relationship success. A relationship that appears to be a "rebound" may very well survive and thrive. This wasn't just the author's opinion; she backed it up with studies.

 

I think about my own example. I got dumped last summer, was heart-broken, but did the "right thing" and avoided dating until I was over her. After waiting about 6 months and still thinking about her I got tired of it. I didn't care that I wasn't over her. I needed some affection and wanted someone to date. So I put myself back on the market and dated a few women, met one I really liked and, lo and behold, she got me over my ex. I'm glad I didn't wait until I was completely over her and honestly wish I would have done it sooner.

 

Of course, I was a rebound for my ex, which is why I always assumed it didn't work out. But, maybe not. Maybe she would have flaked out on me no matter what.

 

Thoughts?

[Wiseman2]

I think the monk-route "to heal" for too long is highly over-rated. When is it "rebound"? The next person you date? doesn't that have to come sooner or later anyway? That being said, too much too soon is a red flag such as getting over-committed immediately.

[gebaird]

I think it really depends on the specific situation. There are often problems with people going back to their ex after getting into a new relationship too soon. Emotional baggage can be a factor, too, but the truth is that some people do their healing while still in the relationship as they begin to realize it isn't working. I have a friend who had a series of bad relationships and then spent 2 years single. Got into another bad relationship after that, then ended it after 18 months. She met a new guy less than a week later and so far (3 months in) it's been fantastic.

 

The conclusion I've come to is that conventional wisdom isn't always right. Sometimes the timing just works out. The key is to do what's right for you.

[Birdie]

I think it depends more on why you broke up. For example, one of my past relationships I was super insecure, seeking validation through the guy I was seeing at that time and generally unhappy with myself. For me then getting into a relationship right away would have been a disaster because these issues would have carried over. I took time, fixed issues I had with myself and when I felt ready dated and am in a wonderful relationship now....but still have my own sense of self.

 

I have friends who jumped relationship to relationship without working on themselves and sure enough the same pattern just repeated itself.

 

 

I think it's fine to start dating again quickly and not necessarily a "rebound" when you're leaving a relationship in a healthy state (ie worked out any personal issues, not just lonely, etc). So no not always a bad thing.

 

I hope that makes sense....I'm not the most articulate.

[mustlovedogs]

There's a difference. When the breakup is fresh and hurts a lot, I think anything is a stereotypically rebound. However a vague longing for your ex doesn't seem bad.

[Clio]

I think that there is no 'one size fits all rule to this'. People do what feels natural to them at the time. Some can monkey branch with no repercussions, some can rebound and some can't get to another relationship for some time to save their life. The ones who do wait, I am not sure that they do it deliberately as much as they cannot do otherwise. People tend to fall in spectrums rather than in black and white caregories so rebound predictions are never a sure thing imo.

[Matt3939]

I've heard also nothing helps better then finding someone new. I don't think there's a 1 size fits all and people do dumb things also after a long relationship. That I'm sure they look back and wished they did it different. Example trying to get validation from others that you are still physically acceptable

[SooSad33]

Much of my opinion had already been said. We're all different and can all depend on the individual and the last relationship.

 

Myself, I normally take some time off to work on healing.. especially when I know the break up affected me in some negative ways.

One, I took almost a year off ( was a ltr). One, I took about 5 mos. off ( it was a year long relation) and one which lasted less than 3 months, I'm still working on that one ( been single about 6 mos)- because it made a big negative impact on my emotions...

 

For you, at least you took about 6 months off? That's okay- so its not like you went running off to someone else within a week or 2.. right after. You did take some time off.. then decided to move on.

 

But, as mentioned, some go from one to another w/out any healing or working on themselves again.. and have repeated failures. That often causes them to end up- as they say.. it wears them thin. So, I figure it's doing some damage to them mentally & emotionally... repeatedly. Some fear being alone.. but I can imagine the effects going on in the end.

 

All takes time.. and we learn.. or we don't.

 

I am not one to want to move on too quickly though. I can't 'give' when I feel like nothing.. and know I'm not in a healthy manner.

[lovelyworld]

I got in a rebound relationship before. Didn't last long. I thought it would help me forget my ex, but it didn't. It definitely kept me busy, and it was nice to know someone was there with you. Was nice to be texted all day. I didn't feel lonely. However, when my ex came back to me, I immediately forgot about the rebound. So I would say it didn't really help me heal because I was still weak enough to get back with my ex. Thankfully, the rebound guy and I didn't develop strong feelings for each other because he knew I wasn't over my ex.

 

In the end, I really think it depends on the person. If strong feelings are still there after the breakup, I feel like a rebound wouldn't help. However, if you're the dumper and already halfway over the ex, a rebound could help. But who knows! I don't do rebound relationships anymore, I'd rather be completely alone for a while.

[Wiseman2]

Interesting article : ] article in "Psychology Today""It turns out that new research shows rebound relationships are surprisingly healthy.

 

Recent evidence suggests, in fact, that people who dive into rebound relationships get over their ex-partner more quickly and feel more confident in their date-ability (Brumbaugh & Fraley, 2014). This evidence builds nicely on research showing that individuals with high attachment anxiety are better able to sever their emotional attachment to an ex-partner when they start a new relationship (Spielmann, MacDonald, & Wilson, 2009).

 

If the goal is to move on, it seems, starting something new helps.

 

Brumbaugh and Fraley (2014) also discovered that less time between a break-up and a new relationship generally predicts greater well-being, higher self-esteem, and more respect for a new partner. Further, contrary to what many people might predict, having less time between a break-up and a new relationship is linked to attachment security—which refers to habits of trusting, comfort with intimacy, and feelings of safety in relationships. In other words, individuals who tend to be emotionally stable were actually more likely to have a shorter amount of time between a relationship’s end and a new one’s beginning.

 

In sum, we have quite a few empirically-supported pros and only a handful of cons to the formation of rebound relationships. Yes, people who want revenge on their ex-partners also tend to form new relationships more quickly, and the more quickly individuals begin relationships, the more they compare their new partners with their exes (Brumbaugh & Fraley, 2014)—but this doesn’t take away from the evidence that individuals are recovering more quickly from their emotional distress by participating in something new."