BF & his work schedule! Is his job is dominating our relationship?

[Ms Darcy]

All of that is good. The real point is that it has only been four months. You don't know if you are compatible long-term.

 

Try not to get in your own way.

[Pretzel]

This is another thing I'm curious about. And might post in a seperate thread at some point. He's been very opinionated on the way I do certain things and I wondered if that's normal after 4 months. It could have also fed into my wanting to express my opinions on the issues such as this.

When he does it to me, he does it about things like, how I should be spending my money (he thinks I splurge too much), and how I should manage my finances etc. To me, those are so personal and he has no problem telling me I should change the way I prioritise money. When I called him out on it being none of his business he said "well I care about you and want to be with you and want you to have money to be able to do things with me such as holidays later down the line". I was really surprised and didn't know how to take this so I got hurt by him not trusting that I can manage my own stuff. And he kept saying I shouldn't be upset but that he'd "want me to do the same for him".

So, despite it being 4 months, it all feels like it's gone quite far and fast and we both suddenly so involved in one another's lives.

I don't even know how this happened.

[mustlovedogs]

His saying that may be him recognizing an incompatibility with how you each manage money. He may be saying it to see if your viewpoint is flexible, rather than pushing out further down the road.

[nutbrownhare]

Hmm... there seem to be some boundary issues here. If your behaviour impacts him, then it's reasonable for him to want to say something about it. If it doesn't, and he still feels entitled to tell you what to do - that's control. It's no more his business what you spend your money on, than it is your business as to whether he exercises or not.

 

Sometimes, with money, it's a bit more complicated than that - for example, if he ends up paying for you to do things because you've spent all your money on designer clothes, say. Or he wouldn't want to be sharing a household with someone who was chronically in debt while he was bailing them out.

 

You don't know each other well enough yet to decide.

 

As regards your difficult emotions, sure, it would be interesting to find out where they come from, and why. FAR more important is what you do with them when they arise... use your creative thinking to help you with this one...

[Pretzel]

Hmm... there seem to be some boundary issues here. If your behaviour impacts him, then it's reasonable for him to want to say something about it. If it doesn't, and he still feels entitled to tell you what to do - that's control. It's no more his business what you spend your money on, than it is your business as to whether he exercises or not.

 

Sometimes, with money, it's a bit more complicated than that - for example, if he ends up paying for you to do things because you've spent all your money on designer clothes, say. Or he wouldn't want to be sharing a household with someone who was chronically in debt while he was bailing them out.

 

You don't know each other well enough yet to decide.

 

As regards your difficult emotions, sure, it would be interesting to find out where they come from, and why. FAR more important is what you do with them when they arise... use your creative thinking to help you with this one...

 

Thank you.

 

Re: the boundary issues- this is what it seems to be, or something similar. I can't work out if it's too much too soon, as it hasn't always been a bad thing. We got very caught up in each other's business quite early on. Right from the beginning, he's expressed what habits doesn't like quite openly about me. And I'm sure that's fed into me feeling i can say something about his stuff too. It's weird. It's like our intimacy was part-borne out of us making demands of each other. E.g. on our second date, he said i need to stop checking my phone so often. I apologized and agreed. On our third or 4th date i told him i'm not that into PDA, etc. And it's worked. So far anyway. We've been able to compromise on all of this stuff and agree with each other. We have great chemistry and get along super well which is a motivating factor to make it work.

 

The money thing was a big one though, and the only one we openly clashed over. Despite the fact the way we've split stuff he acknowledged has been 'more than fair', he still tries to lecture me about being smart and to take cabs less often etc.

 

The work thing, I can deal with it - everyone's advice here has helped hugely on this one!

[nutbrownhare]

There's a difference between setting boundaries, and control. There's also a difference between demands and requests; it's reasonable to ask someone you're with to leave their phone checking until later; it's also reasonable to request less PDA, as these impact on both parties.

 

However... taking cabs? Sometimes it makes sense to take cabs. I used to take a cab from my local railway station to my home if it was getting late. It was only a five minute walk, but I HAD been mugged on my walk home. If it's not affecting him, it's none of his business and he shouldn't be trying to lecture you about it.

[Batya33]

Thank you.

 

Re: the boundary issues- this is what it seems to be, or something similar. I can't work out if it's too much too soon, as it hasn't always been a bad thing. We got very caught up in each other's business quite early on. Right from the beginning, he's expressed what habits doesn't like quite openly about me. And I'm sure that's fed into me feeling i can say something about his stuff too. It's weird. It's like our intimacy was part-borne out of us making demands of each other. E.g. on our second date, he said i need to stop checking my phone so often. I apologized and agreed. On our third or 4th date i told him i'm not that into PDA, etc. And it's worked. So far anyway. We've been able to compromise on all of this stuff and agree with each other. We have great chemistry and get along super well which is a motivating factor to make it work.

 

The money thing was a big one though, and the only one we openly clashed over. Despite the fact the way we've split stuff he acknowledged has been 'more than fair', he still tries to lecture me about being smart and to take cabs less often etc.

 

The work thing, I can deal with it - everyone's advice here has helped hugely on this one!

 

The control/lecture part has nothing to do with intimacy except that it hurts connection, closeness and intimacy. Totally agree with him about your using the phone when you are with him and why that's ok that he brought that up. Yes, if you two plan to marry then you should discuss how finances will be handled -spending/saving, etc. I'll refrain from giving input on what he thinks you should do, what you should do, etc. but if you want input from an old married lady who was in his shoes at one time, just ask!

[butterfly45]

This is another thing I'm curious about. And might post in a seperate thread at some point. He's been very opinionated on the way I do certain things and I wondered if that's normal after 4 months. It could have also fed into my wanting to express my opinions on the issues such as this.

When he does it to me, he does it about things like, how I should be spending my money (he thinks I splurge too much), and how I should manage my finances etc. To me, those are so personal and he has no problem telling me I should change the way I prioritise money. When I called him out on it being none of his business he said "well I care about you and want to be with you and want you to have money to be able to do things with me such as holidays later down the line". I was really surprised and didn't know how to take this so I got hurt by him not trusting that I can manage my own stuff. And he kept saying I shouldn't be upset but that he'd "want me to do the same for him".

So, despite it being 4 months, it all feels like it's gone quite far and fast and we both suddenly so involved in one another's lives.

I don't even know how this happened.

 

It sounds all you both do is complain about one another's behaviour. This is too early on to be habit changing. I'd just quit while you're ahead.

[Pretzel]

It sounds all you both do is complain about one another's behaviour. This is too early on to be habit changing. I'd just quit while you're ahead.

 

It might seem that way because it's all i'm pointing out specifically so it seems more out of context, but in reality is a very minor part of our relationship. 99% of actual time together is spent having a good time, and every now and again something small comes up that we iron out.

[abitbroken]

This is another thing I'm curious about. And might post in a seperate thread at some point. He's been very opinionated on the way I do certain things and I wondered if that's normal after 4 months. It could have also fed into my wanting to express my opinions on the issues such as this.

When he does it to me, he does it about things like, how I should be spending my money (he thinks I splurge too much), and how I should manage my finances etc. To me, those are so personal and he has no problem telling me I should change the way I prioritise money. When I called him out on it being none of his business he said "well I care about you and want to be with you and want you to have money to be able to do things with me such as holidays later down the line". I was really surprised and didn't know how to take this so I got hurt by him not trusting that I can manage my own stuff. And he kept saying I shouldn't be upset but that he'd "want me to do the same for him".

So, despite it being 4 months, it all feels like it's gone quite far and fast and we both suddenly so involved in one another's lives.

I don't even know how this happened.

 

It is hard to say.

 

I think if he said something like this it would have been sweet "hey, i know you are thinking about buying another That Thing You Collect, but you know, ComicConPalooza is coming in the summer in Timbucktu. I sure would love a roommate Its about money, but not.

 

If you talk about how you are broke or wish you had money to travel, and then talk about how you just bought 10 new nail polishes, you eat out all the time instead of cook for yourself, then i can see where I would comment "well, I am hoping we could go on a little getaway. I am putting money aside. Maybe if you didn't splurge also, we could make it happen".

 

it is a good sign that he is talking about the middle future - he is not talking about growing old or marriage or babies but he is talking as if he believes you will still be together in few months or year to go on a getaway.

 

If you tend to be oversensitive, give the guy a little break and unless he is asking for your paycheck to dole it out to you - he COULD be making healthy suggestions to you to reach a mutual goal.

[abitbroken]

Thank you.

 

Re: the boundary issues- this is what it seems to be, or something similar. I can't work out if it's too much too soon, as it hasn't always been a bad thing. We got very caught up in each other's business quite early on. Right from the beginning, he's expressed what habits doesn't like quite openly about me. And I'm sure that's fed into me feeling i can say something about his stuff too. It's weird. It's like our intimacy was part-borne out of us making demands of each other. E.g. on our second date, he said i need to stop checking my phone so often. I apologized and agreed. On our third or 4th date i told him i'm not that into PDA, etc. And it's worked. So far anyway. We've been able to compromise on all of this stuff and agree with each other. We have great chemistry and get along super well which is a motivating factor to make it work.

 

The money thing was a big one though, and the only one we openly clashed over. Despite the fact the way we've split stuff he acknowledged has been 'more than fair', he still tries to lecture me about being smart and to take cabs less often etc.

 

The work thing, I can deal with it - everyone's advice here has helped hugely on this one!

 

I don't see any demanding going on. You are just letting eachother know what bothers you. I agree, if i was on a first or second date and someone kept checking their phone, unless they had said a relative was rushed to the hospital or something, I'd want to toss the phone out the window! If they can't carve out three hours of their time for me on our first or second date, while on the date, they aren't showing they have any interest in me.

 

Telling him you aren't into PDA is just information. You are letting him know that early on in a relationship, you are not really into kissing in public, etc. And that's not demanding, that's "fun fact about me".

[Wiseman2]

Tell him you are not seeking financial tips or unsolicited advice..

 

Lack of boundaries 6732706]we both suddenly so involved in one another's lives. I don't even know how this happened.