Your opinion in this particular situation of friends with ex

[abitbroken]

I can do that's the dog issue is mostly a convenience one however one issue is it was his dog too so I feel a bit bad denying him play time with her. Usually it happens when I'm not even there anyway.

 

I'd much rather get rid of the bday/Xmas rituals/dinners and have him see my (formerly our) dog once in a while. It's cruel to cut that off no? He can see her while I'm not even there. What's the harm?

 

There is a lot of harm.

 

If the ONLY thing you did with your ex was that the ex takes the dog when you are on vacation until you had an alternate arrangement it would be one thing - but there are so many little things = lunches that your bf doesn't know about, gifts, coming over frequently to see the dog, etc, emergency contact - it adds up to a mountain

 

You have to stop behaving with the excuse of "oh, it will hurt someone if i say no to them". That's not care; that's codependency. You hide your seeing you ex at lunches from your boyfriend becuase you won't tell your ex "no" and yet you know its wrong because you are hiding it. you won't tell your ex "no" about presents, and you won't say no about him being in your apartment without you. (your bf would have every reason to think you were having an affair)

 

Now you are defending yourself- and saying "i would rather stop the presents in exchange for having him at my beck and call for the dog". And you know you will not tell him no about the presents either. You will continue to see him behind your bf's back. You are not fooling anyone. If I was your boyfriend, I would think that you were having an affair.

 

Time to cut the cord. Take care of your dog. See the ex for special occasions as a couple or not at all to wean yourself off of this arrangement as the secret boyfriend- and to put him in proper context in your life. He is acting too much like a husband instead of someone you dated a long time ago and are now friends.

 

I am going to bet that he isn't seeing anyone, or having trouble keeping girlfriends around long himself with this arrangement as well.

[abitbroken]

If your current boyfriend is important to you, tell him what you've shared here. Don't hide anything from him. Then let his reaction be your guide.

 

Personally, I would probably have a big problem with your ex's degree of involvement in your life, and the excuses that you are making for it. Your current boyfriend may not. But give him the option of making that decision.

 

Its the excuses that are particularly damning. Like I say, I am going to be shocked of the boyfriend doesn't think they are at least having an emotional affair. They kind of are if she is protecting him.

[Jibralta]

Yes, I would see the excuses as a big problem if I were in the new boyfriend's shoes.

[nutbrownhare]

Yep, as far as your new relationship is concerned - you've still got one foot out of the door. Sometimes people do this when they're not capable of committing to one person, and two half-relationships work very well for them. That's their prerogative. However, they aren't entitled to do this on other people's time.

 

Only you know how committed you are to exploring your new relationship properly, but if you want things to go ahead with your current guy then you need to tell your ex that you're trying to build up a new relationship, and the cosy nights out, presents etc aren't appropriate any more. Your guy will only put up with eating his heart out for so long, and the fact that you can't see his point of view at all won't help. In fact, you are extremely dismissive of his concerns, which are perfectly natural for someone who'd like their relationship to progress. If someone enters into a relationship with someone who's already got children, then some accommodation with the previous partner is part of the deal - but that's not true in your case.

 

So... it depends what you want, and you have a choice. Retain your friendship with your ex, and sabotage any future relationships; or set appropriate boundaries with your ex, and give yourself a chance of developing a deeper, more enduring relationship.

[RainyCoast]

i would so not be okay, not so much the friendship, but mostly with the fact you're coming up with imaginative ways of legitimizing it.

 

I don't really see why i should pay for a sitter when my ex/now my friend doesn't mind and misses my dog and its on his way home. For example today he stopped for my dog so i can go straight to my bf and spend more time with him (I work a lot of hours).

 

Just for some more perspective i want to add some more info. Right now if something happened to me, my ex would be my emergency contact. I don't have any family.

 

I have female friends too but my longest friendship is with my ex. I would also be his emergency contact if anything ever happened to him. We have previously taken care of each other when the other had major surgery. One of those times we were not a couple.

 

??

 

i'm 32 with NO living relatives. maybe a several hour flight away there are still some that i don't know. i don't plan on finding out.

 

my ex and i shared a dog. initially two dogs, his dog (who died while we were still together) and a dog i adopted when we were still together and he was with me when i did, and treated him like his, and the dog adored him.

 

my ex is not my emergency contact. i don't have an emergency contact at all. i am seriously considering making it a friend. so far i figured i don't need one -if anything happens, whoever finds me will call the medics. and the staff will have to notify my work anyway. my dear friend is my coworker so she would know, and could tell anyone else who had any beeswax knowing where i was if i didn't come to within a reasonable time-frame to tell them myself.

 

if you require nursing after a surgery/injury, it is available without playing TLC with ex.

 

my ex would never have my keys, and i'd never pretend we're "doing it for the pupper" to keep up that level of domesticity between us. if you cuddle them extra after the loss, dogs adjust just fine after a while. humans adjust whether they like it or not.

 

i guess you could find people who would be okay with this friendship. not sure you could find many who would be okay with the rationalization. because you wouldn't have to rationalize a friendship that was...a friendship.

 

 

if your ideas of what is appropriate don't align with his, that doesn't make them wrong and it doesn't make you obliged to change them...but in his shoes, i wouldn't personally even bother explaining why this is completely out of the question. the nature and extent of appropriate emotional investments with others are just one of the few things i want there to be complete inherent compatibility on, and that it goes without saying. if it doesn't, we're not a fit.

[abitbroken]

my ex is not my emergency contact. i don't have an emergency contact at all. i am seriously considering making it a friend. so far i figured i don't need one -if anything happens, whoever finds me will call the medics. and the staff will have to notify my work anyway. my dear friend is my coworker so she would know, and could tell anyone else who had any beeswax knowing where i was if i didn't come to within a reasonable time-frame to tell them myself.

 

I have a card in my wallet and something on my phone that says "My pets are home alone. Please call NAME numberXX-XXX" I had an arrangement with a guy who was the foster dad of one of my pets before I adopted her that if something happened to me, he was authorized to come get her. If i was just temporarily not able to care for her, he would. If I was dead, he agreed to contact and screen the person i preferred to take her permanently or would take her himself and keep her if she was really old, or adopt her to a great family if she was still younger. Now, of course, that has changed . But just to say exes aren't the only option.

 

I also, when i was on my own, had a name of a pet sitter who could look in on my pets in an emergency or if I would be incapacitated for a long time, they were authorized to take them to the pet resort I used until i was conscious.

 

i have a friend that i talk to on the phone. If we are doing something perilous - are walking in the dark at night, went on a date or whatever, if we don't hear from eachother at a set time, we both know where the other was going and can call police if we don't hear from eachother.

[RainyCoast]

"My pets are home alone. Please call NAME numberXX-XXX"

i have that but with our veterinary services asylum's number on it. and a person on his papers who is first in line should he have to be rehomed. we're in a field where we have trusty volunteers aplenty so i've always been sure someone would see to it. i like the idea of having a friend's number on the card though, that's much more convenient.

 

my friend does have a copy of my key for emergencies, but it isn't to be used to walk the dog while i'm at work or stuff.

 

i meant that i don't have a person who is notified if i'm hospitalized or dead though. i figured if it's an injury or a complication of my existing conditions, i'd be able to call who i wanted pretty soon. if it's something worse, the staff call the workplace anyway here because they only have 5 days from admission to authorize the sick leave.

 

agree, this is all stuff you can easily have actual arrangements for.

 

 

i think the codependency is somehow at the crux of this thing with ex. emotional back-up, the comfort of knowing there is a strong emotional connection there without an expiration date..it would be so much more important where there's codependency, or a fear of abandonment... it's why the excuses would put me off so much, because it makes it look like she's not willing to come clean with herself even as to why this is so important to her.

[boltnrun]

I'm guessing, based upon your posts regarding being dissatisfied with your current relationship, that the ex fills some kind of void for you.

[Applewhite]

My boyfriend and I are struggling with communication, we both need to improve that but as soon as we talk everything seems to resolve itself.

[boltnrun]

My boyfriend and I are struggling with communication, we both need to improve that but as soon as we talk everything seems to resolve itself.

 

So, based on this I presume you two have discussed your closeness with your ex and the issue is now resolved. Correct?

[Applewhite]

No we had other issues to discuss first so we resolved those first. I'm still at work right now unexpectedly so I had my bf run home for my dog for me.he said he's very happy I asked him. In a couple hours I'll be home

 

(If curious the "other issues" are actually spelled out in my journal. I'm not trying to be vague and ignoring the question)

[mustlovedogs]

I mean this in the nicest way possible - but you have two threads going on issues with your really relatively recent boyfriend. Why are you in this?

[Batya33]

Everyone has his personal boundaries - dinners and gifts with the ex twice a year - not ok. If it was a double date we'll sure bitvalthet is just playing with fire. If you'd only dated him briefly then fine but you two have a whole history. And this is a new relationship so of course he has no context. I am all for having male friends and even being friends with exes but not ok doing date like things or giving gifts based on a history of giving gifts.

[abitbroken]

From your journal:

 

When he thought I was refusing sex (I was in a way one time) he went on a rant about am I cheating on him, I think I'm so smart etc, raising voice etc. I kept trying to explain myself but it took a really long time to convince him.

 

Well... you said you didn't want sex because you were sick, but if you are visibly sick and just want to cuddle instead, guys are pretty understanding. But for him to think you are cheating - the situation of you protecting your relationship with the ex could be VERY on his mind, you know? I think that if you don't do something big - not a token of asking the bf to let the dog out, but really severing things with the ex and letting your bf know there are no more clandestine meetings - then i think his idea that you might be cheating will rear its head again.

 

It sounds this guy drives aggressively, etc, and you aren't comfortable with that. That is a separate issue, and if you don't want to be with this guy for that reason, then that's totally fine. But then don't use the overdepdendence on the boyfriend as something that will make him break it off with YOU instead.

 

Also, I think that you should still get a dog sitter so in case you decide to end this relationship, your bf doesn't have ongoing reason to be in your apartment or house, and therefore you are not going from depending on one man to another. its totally fine if you are married, have a brother, etc, that you depend on for certain things as he does you, but you want to make it so you guys you are dating only a few months and its not for the long haul yet are people that you keep around because they fill needs like that.

[Applewhite]

Antibroken perhaps I've written bits and pieces in certain posts of what happened and you skimmed them. You have combined multiple events and assumed they are the same/related. It's not an accurate description of what went down.

 

Of course he was understanding when I was sick. *He* was the one who didn't want sex when I was sick.

 

The instance when I didn't want sex was earlier in our relationship and had nothing to do with me being sick.