Just Married and Wife has No Sex Drive....

[OmegaQuest]

I just got married 5 days ago. We have had sex on our wedding night once and that's it. My wife is never in the mood for sex. She likes to cuddle but nothing else. Every time I try to have sex with her, there's always an excuse...

 

I have tried everything, from Rubbing feet To Cooking Dinner. Nothing ever gets her in the mood.

 

She has told me that she doesn't know why Sex is so important to me. And I reply that I don't see why Sex is the least important thing to her. A strong Sex relationship is apart of a strong marriage.

 

Is this normal or is there something wrong?

 

Please Help!!!

 

P.S. We have not been married before, and have no kids. She is 23 and I am 26.

[Sn0man]

That is very strange. Newlyweds should be doing it like rabbits, and you 2 are truly newlyweds. How long has this been going on? Since you met? Since you got married? I don't know how it's possible to have no sex drive at 23...that's too odd. Maybe wait for one of the ladies here on the forum to get to this post, they may have some suggestions.

[Cecelius]

I'd get this one straightened out ASAP. It can only go down hill from here. Counselling, whatever.

[Gunther]

Wow....that is a problem now isn't it? lol. Well, it isn't like you can force it on her, maybe she just doesn't want to take the risk of having kids. But she obviously still loves you, otherwise she wouldn't want to cuddle either, how long have you been married? Maybe its just a little bump and nothing to worry about. But if she doesn't want to have sex, there isn't a whole lot you can do about it.

[Day_Walker]

There are some things I would like to know, were you having sex before you were married? If so what was the frequency?

 

Your approach is wrong, cooking for her and rubbing her feet mean that you are doing something nice for her when you arent benefiting from it. You are actually rewarding her for not doing what you want. What you need to do is actually increase her desire for sex, so that she wants it. I suggest teasing, your main focus has to be her and then stop once she is getting into it. I would also stop talking about the importance of sex. You need to focus on different aspects in order for her to understand your point of view.

[Iceman26]

But if she doesn't want to have sex, there isn't a whole lot you can do about it.

 

Thats not quite true, he can always get the wedding annulled.

 

I agree with Cecelius, and DayWalker to a certain extent, but I think a little more information is needed like how often were you guys having sex before marriage or were you both virgins? Was she abused in her past? Is she on any medications, etc.

 

This really is an odd thing to discover after only 5 days of being married.

[RayKay]

Well, sexual compatibility and a healthy sexual relationship are very important (some may disagree on this, but generally if they feel it isn't..someone is not happy entirely!)

 

Had you had sex before marriage? Has it just changed since then? What was it like before marriage (if at all).

 

You do need to talk to her about it, but also realize for women sex is also about emotional fulfillment, and as suggested above, getting it is not about cooking dinner either...it is all about how you make her feel..but also increasing her desire for sex.

 

Since you are married I assume you should be able to communicate with her about this and figure out what the problem is and if it recent or a long term thing..if you were doing it often before marriage maybe she feels like now she has you, why bother? Or maybe she is just also feeling undesirable right now, or something physical is bothering her (guys would be amazed how often we just don't feel right for whatever reason down there...and not necessarily a health issue, just not right!). But you do have to talk to her. You also need to talk about your expectations and hers in this area.

[DN]

I agree that moe information is required.

 

If she was a virgin until just before or after the wedding there may be physical problems that need addressing. Or there may be other legitimate issues. But not doing enough for her, or emotional attachment etc. are things that go wrong over time, they should not be a problem 5 days into the marriage.

 

But if this problem is not resolved very, very quickly then get the marriage annulled, because if it is not sorted out quickly, disentangling the relationship will become more and more difficult as time goes by. Insist she talk about it today and at least begin to address the issue - if she will not then my advice is that you leave.

 

There is more to this than meets the eye, it may be that there is an explanation that will make sense and be solvable - but you need to know that now before things get much worse for you.

[volution]

To be honest, a few days without sex isn't cause for a divorce!

Gawd... you must have said along some lines of 'for the rest of our lives' - if so there's plenty of time for sex!

 

What is important here for us to advise you is...

...how long were you together before getting married?

...and what was your sex life together like then (how often)?

[DN]

To be honest, a few days without sex isn't cause for a divorce!

Gawd... you must have said along some lines of 'for the rest of our lives' - if so there's plenty of time for sex!

 

A few days without sex after some time married is one thing but five days after the wedding!!

 

And the red flag is her comment about not understanding why sex i so important to him. That indicates that this may not be a temporary problem but permanent and that she may have major sexual issues that would destroy the relationship. If they cannot be resolved then he should leave the marriage - the marriage vows also include references to a healthy sexual relationship - "with my body I thee worship".

[volution]

That's why I asked those two questions

 

To be honest, a few days without sex isn't cause for a divorce!

Gawd... you must have said along some lines of 'for the rest of our lives' - if so there's plenty of time for sex!

 

A few days without sex after some time married is one thing but five days after the wedding!!

 

And the red flag is her comment about not understanding why sex i so important to him. That indicates that this may not be a temporary problem but permanent and that she may have major sexual issues that would destroy the relationship. If they cannot be resolved then he should leave the marriage - the marriage vows also include references to a healthy sexual relationship - "with my body I thee worship".

[Knctrnl22]

There are some cases where somebody isn't into sex as much as the other person and sometimes people change and want it more and more. It sounds like you have tried a few approaches I think talking to her about it might help the situation a lot at least you can come to some sort of an agreement. On the other hand you could talk about different kinds of sex that she might be willing to experiment with or perhaps she doesn't want to have any kind of sex at all. That is not an easy task to kick up her sex drive and I wish you good luck.

[Ydas]

newlyweds should be banging like a jackhammer...

 

If she can't see your point of view you should suggest counseling, sex is too important to a healthy relationship and you both need to be satisfied especialy this early!

[Morky]

Get rid of her man, it only gets worse with age.

[arwen]

I find it hard to advise you anything based on only these facts. I'd suggest the counselling, for sure. You married her because you love her, and if you waited with having sex until the marriage:

 

* was she a virgin? Sex can be unbelievably painful for a woman the first time. She might not express that because it's a sensitive subject.

 

* how did you communicate about sex before getting married?

 

* was she raised in a religious way? There are certainly forms of religion in which people hear from an early age on that sex is something that is something to be ashamed of, or solely meant to create life and not just for fun.

 

Take care,

 

Ilse.

[Abacab]

Intresting to note that the original poster has not returned to reply the most relevant questions so far: was the situation the same before they got married, or did they refrain from having sex until they got married?

 

In any case, the only way out here is a long heart to heart discussion with your wife... Depending on the outcome, there even might be some counselling in order.

 

Whatever you decide to do, don't delay it. In the long run you'll be hurt. I know it very very well!

 

Hope things'll turn out right for both of ya!

[arwen]

Well, it's just a day past the original post.

 

But I do hope to read some more things about the relationship as well!

 

Ilse.

[OmegaQuest]

To be honest, a few days without sex isn't cause for a divorce!

Gawd... you must have said along some lines of 'for the rest of our lives' - if so there's plenty of time for sex!

 

What is important here for us to advise you is...

...how long were you together before getting married?

...and what was your sex life together like then (how often)?

 

We were together a little over a year before we got married.

We got married March 19, 2005.

I was her first to have sex with, but the excuses before we were married was just that, we were not married. So we maybe had sex once a month after a lot of persistence each time...

 

Also the remarks about maybe she's worried about getting pregnant. She is on the pill, so I know that's not the problem.

 

I Love my Wife, but when I get denied so many times my mind starts to wonder and think I must be doing something wrong....

 

When I tried to talk to her about this yesterday, we got into an about it. And Nothing ever comes out of it but more excuses as to why...

[DN]

There is obviously something wrong somewhere. But if she refuses to talk about it and essentially puts the blame on you for wanting it too much then there is not a lot you can do. Do not be pressured into staying in the marriage by "if you loved me, sex would not be important". or "It will get better eventually".

 

Insist that you get help with this problem. If there is something physically wrong, she should see a doctor; if something emotionally wrong, she should see a therapist; if there is something wrong with the technique, you should both see a qualified counsellor.

 

But if she does not agree immediately to one or more of these courses of action, then I advise you to leave the marriage straight away. It will be hard to do, but her attitude will destroy it sooner or later anyway, and it is better for both of you that it is sooner rather than later. Marriages are difficult to disentangle, emotionally and financially, but the longer the marriage lasts the harder and more complex becomes the divorce.

 

If she does agree, make sure she is doing it because she genuinely recognises the problem and wants to deal with it; not because she wants to pressure you into not leaving. If her heart is not in solving the problem, it will not be solved.

[Cecelius]

I think, honestly, that this is a case of knowing pre-marriage what life would be like post-marriage. She might have had some excuses/reasons, but its not as if she didn't put you on notice.

 

Understanding that you love her, you only were involved for about a year before getting married, which is about 1/5 the time you should have been testing it out.

 

Since you only have 370 days invested at this point, I would SERIOUSLY consider getting out of this before it goes too long.

 

Or, you could just quit your job and tell her you don't know why so many people think a home and food are so important to a marriage...

[arwen]

So, did you just started having sex with her AFTER you got married? Or was this already an issue before you guys got married?

 

If it is the first, I still think it's early days. You are just married 5 days now. It took me weeks to get used to sex and enjoy it. However, I could have misread things here.

 

Ilse.

[DN]

I thought he said that they rarely had sex before the wedding because she said she wanted to wait. Which means that either that she hoped things would be better after the wedding - or that she was being deliberately deceptive.

 

Since she still has a problem it seems more likely to be the latter - which is why I advise the poster to insists on immediate action to solve the problem or leave.

[OmegaQuest]

I am going to give her a little more time (After our Honeymoon next week) and go from there. She keeps saying that its only been 5 days and to wait more. I reply back that even after waiting a few more days and we do have sex once, It will be right back where we were.. I'm sorry but I agree that a Strong Marriage is not only about your feelings about someone, but also physical, She just doesn't see this...

 

It really hurts what she is doing to me, and yet, she doesn't seem to care.

 

Does anyone have any Ideas I can do that might get a more Immediate rise out of her? I have tried Flowers, Candles, Candy ....

[DN]

Try telling her that she is putting the marriage in jeopardy. She needs a wake-up call and clear language is probably the only way get through to her and make her understand. Say it calmly, but firmly. Do not defend your position, she may try to shift responsibility, ot make excuses, or procrastinations. Just state that she must do something to attain normal sexual relations, or risk losing the marriage very soon. The time for seduction, persuasion, etc. has past. This is too serious a matter for games or subliminal messages. What is required now is clear, unequivocal communication.

[arwen]

I think there is really no use in playing an ultimatum card already. I think you are right in giving the whole thing a little more time.

 

You have just been married 5 days. If she was serious before the marriage by trying to save it for marriage, she needs some time to get used to the idea of having sex on a regular basis.

 

You need to communicate things clearly though. If the honeymoon doesn't make a difference, and things remain the same, I'd go for communicating in a very direct way.

 

For now, let things take their own course a bit. I think the pressure of making sex a major issue isn't going to help in any way.

 

Try to focus on the other reasons that you married her for. I am sorry for asking this, because I don't want you to think I think badly about you. But I keep on wondering if marrying her after having been together for only a year is related to her saying she wanted to save sex for marriage?

 

I ask this because I have a background of christain upbringing, and the girls in the church I used to go all got married in or even before their twenties. Some of my friends knew I have another opinion about sex before marriage, and there are many who fessed up to me that they really believed in that principle, but got married soon because of that.

 

Ilse.