My bf used to smoke before we met, recently he started smoking again...

[happpybear]

So I have been with my bf for 1.5 years. Everything is fine with us otherwise, except he started smoking again.

 

When I met him, he was an ex-smoker. Had quit a few years before. I let him know at the time that I have no interest in dating an active smoker. I grew-up in a plume of second-hand smoke. My parents smokes, grandparents, aunts and uncles, and eventually my brother and cousins and most of my friends, have all smoked. Few of them have quit, the ones that have relapsed or smoke occasional. I know how hard it is to quit, it's one of the most addictive substances known to man. And I know how damaging it is, an I don't want it in my life if I can avoid it.

 

So I am ok with my bf having occasional smokes in social situations. Usually when he's with his buddies watching hockey etc. I've told him before that smokers breath is repulsive to me so not to expect sexy time with me after he's smoked all evening. He understands.

 

We went to a wedding in august and he pretty much chain smoked all night, which I was fine with.

 

However, since then, I can tell that he has been smoking since then. We only see each other on weekends, and every weekend since then I can smell and taste the cigarettes on him. It's very mild. But that wasn't there before. I think he is doing is when i'm not around during the week because I never see him smoke when we are together. I have also noticed him surreptitiously spraying something in in mouth when we a together, I thought it was breath spray or something, but he left the bottle in my bathroom and it's actually a nicotine smoking cessation spray. I think he is using this fo fo cravings when we are together so he doesn't have to smoke.

 

I feel really dissapointed. I know it's hard to quit, and I know that he is going through a lot of stress at work, but I feel like he istrying to hide the smoking from me and that bug me. His parents smoked for years and claim to have of "quit" but they still secretely smoke behind each other's back, his dad hides at the Home Depot parking lot an smokes. So he doesn't get in trouble. His mom does the same thing. Stuff like that bugs me and I don't want him to start doing stuff like that too. I'm gonna talk to him about it when I see him this weekend.

 

I love him and I think it silly to break-up over this, and I get that people relapse, i'm gonna suggest he start meditating and working out again to help manage the stress so he can ween himself off the cigarettes. But, I don't want to nag, but I also don't want to end up in a relationship with an active smoker either. My ex had also "quit" when he met me, and shortly after started smoking again an kept saying "yeah I'm gonna quit, when work is less stressfull" again and again, and...he never quit. And it was one of the reasons I left. Of course, it was different though, he had only been together 5 months and I wasn't In love nor was the relationship anywhere near as healthy and good and loving as the one I am in know.

 

So, has anyone else been in this predicament? Where your partner who was not in the habit when you met, but relapsed. I'm not sure how to deal with this without feeling like I'm being controlling or nagging. Or do I just accept it, no one is perfect and I can't change him so...just be supportive if he decides to quit again?...

[trickykid]

The way I am reading this, is that he doesnt do it around you but has the spray to keep the cravings at bay when you are together. So what I am reading is, he is respecting what you asked him to do, not smoke around you.

 

Just to clarify, I am a smoker too, so would be inclined to see it that way

[gebaird]

Would he be willing to consider vaping as a possible alternative?

[moodindigo91]

Does he want to quit or no? I think that's the main question, if he doesn't then he's respecting your wishes and keeping it under control, so you should be okay with it. If he does, then that's a whole different story and you can discuss ways to help him quit together.

 

Personally, I'm like you. I grew up in a family of smokers, can't stand cigarettes, and will not date someone who smokes regularly. It's your choice though!

[Wiseman2]

There's no need to nag, etc. since this clearly and honestly states where you stand on this. It should be a pretty good incentive.

I've told him before that smokers breath is repulsive to me so not to expect sexy time with me after he's smoked all evening. He understands.

]

[happpybear]

We've talked about vaping, just generally, he doesn't think it any safer than smoking, but I haven't read the science to really know. I'll suggest it. I know my brother vapes and it has helped him reduce his cigarette use

[Iggy5129]

Has he tried vaping? It's the only thing that got me to quit smoking completely.

 

It smells way less than cigarettes, helps the cravings and gives you that smoking feeling. You slowly lower the nicotine amount and eventually give it up all together. It's worth a try, at least you won't have to smell that gross smoker smell.

 

Vaping is safer than smoking but it is still NOT safe. Inhaling anything hot into your lungs is usually not safe. It's very helpful for quitting though.

[j.man]

Vaping is significantly safer than smoking. The science is out on how "safe" it is in all, but there's no doubt it's by far the better option between the two.

[trickykid]

You do know the tobacco companies are buying the vaping companies

[happpybear]

Ok, i'll do some reading up on vaping so that I can at least present some facts to him, to help convince him.

 

I think too, that he doesn't deal well with stress. Since the wedding, he hasn't had time to workout, and on weekends he's sore and tired from working a rather physical job for 12-15 hours everyday. He's in the process of hiring better staff at work so that he can actually have a decent work life balance again, but lately it's been really bad at work. I think that is really at the heart of the problem. That's why I want to him to try something else for stress. Lighting up a cig is way too easy, and ironically, it doesn't actually help you destress, it stimulates your body even more and increases anxiety overall

[happpybear]

Does he want to quit or no? I think that's the main question, if he doesn't then he's respecting your wishes and keeping it under control, so you should be okay with it. If he does, then that's a whole different story and you can discuss ways to help him quit together.

 

Personally, I'm like you. I grew up in a family of smokers, can't stand cigarettes, and will not date someone who smokes regularly. It's your choice though!

 

He has said before that he doesn't like smoking, just the physical side effects of it. He knows it's a nasty habit. He has bad asthma too, so he knows what he's doing to himself. I just think it's an easy thing to reach for when he's stressed out. Plus, all the people he works with smoke too. So it's around him.

 

I'll bring it up on the weekend and ask him what he wants to do and what support he needs from me.

 

It's hard accepting this in him, he came to me as a *very* occasional smoker. now i'm dealing with regular smoking, something that is actually a dealbreaker for me, yet we are so far in this relationship it's seems stupid to end it because of this. If we were 3 months in and he started up again, I would likely have ended things quickly without a second thought

[moodindigo91]

He has said before that he doesn't like smoking, just the physical side effects of it. He knows it's a nasty habit. He has bad asthma too, so he knows what he's doing to himself. I just think it's an easy thing to reach for when he's stressed out. Plus, all the people he works with smoke too. So it's around him.

 

I'll bring it up on the weekend and ask him what he wants to do and what support he needs from me.

 

It's hard accepting this in him, he came to me as a non-smoker. now i'm dealing with something that is actually a dealbreaker for me, yet we are so far in this relationship it's seems stupid to end it because of this. If we were 3 months in and he started up again, I would likely have ended things quickly without a second thought

 

Yeah, it's sort of a tough situation to be in. I was in a similar one with my ex. I'm also from a family of chain smokers, most of them still smoke and will continue to smoke forever, including my mother, who used to smoke inside the car with us while the windows were rolled up. I fought with her tooth and nail to get her to quit for my entire childhood until I got older and realized she wasn't going to change. At that point I resigned to trying to get her to at least smoke only in well ventilated areas, now she smokes only outside (though I haven't lived there in years so who knows if that's still true). I would absolutely pass on a smoker without a thought about it. My ex came to me as a non-smoker as well, having kicked the habit before me. He began smoking socially, which I was okay with. When it became a habit, I took issue with it and he quit but replaced it with dipping which he hid from me until I found out, at which point I accepted it because it wasn't subjecting me to second-hand smoke or smelling up the apartment or his clothes. My mom tried vaping but she didn't like it because the affect is different, as is the feeling. For a lot of smokers, including my mom, it's not just about the nicotine, it's about having the cigarette in your hand and the feeling of it.

 

If he wants to quit, then there's no reason to break up yet. Just discuss with him the best way to do it (I wouldn't try vaping again, if he wants to quit, vaping isn't quitting). You know how hard it can be to quit having witnessed it yourself so you know how to be supportive of him on this journey. It's all about communication. If he makes no effort to quit though after you guys talk, then you might consider breaking up at that point.

[happpybear]

Yeah, my childhood was much like yours. My whole family smoked in the house, in the car, they never thought about the consequences to us kids. It's sort of a miracle that I never took up the habit, most kids who are around smokers grow up to be smokers themselves. When I moved away at 18 years old, after a few months my lungs cleared out from all the second hand smoke I had been inhaling my whole life. The difference was astounding, I vowed right then to never put myself in a situation again where I have to live with second hand smoke.

 

I get what you mean by vaping still not being quitting, and I guess the smoking cessation spray is the same sort of thing, a crutch really. But i'm ok with that. I'm mean, it's not ideal, ideal would be a complete removal of all nicotine products entirely. But, vaping or the spray, I could live with that if that's all he can do for the long run.

[Batya33]

I think you have to simplify this. He is a smoker. Are you ok with dating a smoker? That is all you have to ask yourself.

[moodindigo91]

Yeah, my childhood was much like yours. My whole family smoked in the house, in the car, they never thought about the consequences to us kids. It's sort of a miracle that I never took up the habit, most kids who are around smokers grow up to be smokers themselves. When I moved away at 18 years old, after a few months my lungs cleared out from all the second hand smoke I had been inhaling my whole life. The difference was astounding, I vowed right then to never put myself in a situation again where I have to live with second hand smoke.

 

I get what you mean by vaping still not being quitting, and I guess the smoking cessation spray is the same sort of thing, a crutch really. But i'm ok with that. I'm mean, it's not ideal, ideal would be a complete removal of all nicotine products entirely. But, vaping or the spray, I could live with that if that's all he can do for the long run.

 

Yep, pretty much identical childhood.

 

Yeah, it's a crutch, but nicotine patches are the same, too. It's designed to ween you off. Stick with the non-smelly, less harmful forms of nicotine for now, maybe he can slowly ween off it completely again.

[happpybear]

I think you have to simplify this. He is a smoker. Are you ok with dating a smoker? That is all you have to ask yourself.

 

Depends on frequency. I'm ok with occasional social smoking. Not a daily habit

[abitbroken]

The jury is still out on vaping. The true side effects are not yet known in the longterm.

 

Honestly, smoking is a huge dealbreaker to me. I will not and cannot date a smoker. You met him as a nonsmoker. It was okay for him then to be a nonsmoker, but now he can't control himself? I would say that if he wants to continue the relationship that he has to quit. He has proven he can't handle that just occasional smoke. Do you want your children living in a house that's a puff of smoke? Even if he doesn't smoke in the house, his car will smell of it. You were very, very clear that you have a family with a smoking history that you do not want to repeat in your future marriage and home so i suggest you stick with it. You will only be resentful if you settle for less. No, breaking up for smoking is not silly - its a major dealbreaker for you.

[happpybear]

Yes of course I am going to ask him to quit. Being sensitive to the fact that people are infallible and do relapse, i'm willing to cut him some slack, considering that he seemed to handle having the occasional smoke quite well until this point, when for whatever reason (likely stress) he buckled. I'll give myself a timeline, so that if he hasn't taken steps to stop by a certain point, i'll leave.

[chitown9]

As a former smoker, I am the worst to advocate for not smoking. The trouble with an occasional smoker is that there is always the risk of it becoming more frequent, and that is what has happened in your case. The health risks to smoking are many. Even if he does not smoke in your presence, you have to live with the knowledge that he is damaging his health. This becomes critical to you if marriage is on the table in the future. I would up the ante and tell him he either plain quit smoking or you are out the door. chi

[pippy longstocking]

Yes of course I am going to ask him to quit. Being sensitive to the fact that people are infallible and do relapse, i'm willing to cut him some slack, considering that he seemed to handle having the occasional smoke quite well until this point, when for whatever reason (likely stress) he buckled. I'll give myself a timeline, so that if he hasn't taken steps to stop by a certain point, i'll leave.

 

I honestly think you are banging your head against a brick wall ... coming from a smoker , if I was getting pressure or stress to not smoke , I would smoke more... honestly ! I am thinking of vaping as well and still mean to do it ..but then all the hype about it started and how bad it is ..so I am not bothering for a while till more has been found out .

 

Someone said it earlier ...the trouble with an occasional smoker is they have never been a none smoker ..never .. so when you got with him he was never a none smoker ..never ..

 

It is a difficult situation and the fact is bear darling , that he might enjoy a smoke .. so you have your work cut out , looking back ..as you are against smokers full stop , you should have never got together .

 

blessings x

[itsallgrand]

As a former smoker, I can honestly say the 'once in a while, social smoking' is just smoking. It's not quitting. It may be difficult to understand completely as someone who never smoked, as it seems like the person has it under control. But if there is any smoking, the addiction is active. It's one step away from a pack a day, which he could be at now.

If it was heroin, can you have just one hit and be clean? It's the same thing. The addiction is a real sneaky and there are so many ways to rationalize in a smokers mind.

 

I guess I'm sharing this because if you have the talk about it, and he goes back to smoking on occasion, I'd hate to see you back to this place again in the near future, having said you are ok with once in a while.

[Batya33]

Depends on frequency. I'm ok with occasional social smoking. Not a daily habit

 

I agree with the others that social smoking is smoking and given his past, he is not going to be able to stick to social smoking.

 

Sure, you can ask him to quit and make it a dealbreaker but it sounds like he's not a good candidate for that now. I smoked rather heavily for a year when I was a teenager and then I quit. I would never date a smoker just to give you my mindset. I would talk with him and ask him how committed he is to quitting completely and be honest that you don't think he is going to stick to social smoking and you cannot be with a smoker.

[happpybear]

Interesting to hear from smokers, I never really thought of it as still an active addiction if he smokes occasional. I thought that was different.

 

I feel like even trying to talk about it is futile. Like, he can tell me whatever he wants to me to hear. We don't live together so there is really no way for me to really know what he is doing when i'm not around. I would sorta have to blindly trust, and in the face of an addiction i'm not sure if I even could trust him, considering how insidious it is. I guess I'm not sure if I can trust him to be honest when faced with the fact that i'll walk away.

 

So part of me wants to a least have the convo, which I think is the right thing to do when you are in a relationship. However, the other side of me thinks, no point in talking and having him say a bunch of stuff that he may not mean because he may not ever stop, or resort to hiding it and sneaking around behind my back. So just leave now and get it over with.

 

This sucks so much!! I love him and this is the only thing that's a prob in our relationship! It just sucks

[happpybear]

And I just want to add too-this is me thinking/arguing with myself , that he came to me presenting as a non-smoker. The first time he smoked "occasionally" in my presence was several months in, and he asked me if it would be ok. I was under the impression that this was a habit he had gotten over, otherwise I would never have gotten involved. It's not like we met and he was smoking habitually and I was ok with it, but now I've changed my mind and demand he quit. I'm not the one that changed, he did, so I think it reasonable to ask him to return to the way things were when we met. I think that's reasonable, and if he says no, or says "yes dear" but does the opposite, then I decide to leave.

[chitown9]

Smoking is no joke. It is SO bad for your health. It used to be VERY acceptable in the past; portrayed as something glamorous to do. Movie stars would be seen on TV smoking....it was cool. Public opinion has shifted and nowadays people see that it was all a hype. The cost of cigarettes is high too, but that is the least of it.

 

I think that you did not realize how addicting this craving for smoking is, happybear. He might finally stop when he realizes that it is a deal breaker for you. I am hoping that he does. chi