Girlfriend wants to go to the gym without me, I need advice

[Fudgie]

TMIfune,

 

My underlying take with this is that when someone (ANYONE, male/female) has issues like this (their significant other seeing a professional of the opposite sex), it means that they are having an irrational, emotional reaction that has very little basis in reality. They need to work on overcoming this irrational emotion, rather than asking their partner to change because of a niggling baseless feeling.

 

It is not the same as if, say, a partner was having an opposite sex friend that was close to crossing or actually crossing boundaries. This is worry over a non-sexual, regulated, professional situation in which someone is just doing their job and no boundary crossings have taken place.

 

It is in my experience that someone (male or female, doesn't matter) who has these feelings and instead of working on them, puts the burden on their partner to change, usually has some jealousy and insecurity issues.

[Hermes]

" Please tell me your not naive and believe that there are not male trainers that have poor intentions."

 

Yep. Hordes of them out there....just like male bus drivers, male shop assistants, male cops, male delivery men.....all just waiting to throw her to the ground/floor and jump her bones.

 

Do clarify for me what you mean by "poor intentions" .....

 

Oh yeh, I got it. the trainer (male) will grope up her buttocks to ensure she is doing the glutes exercises properly, and place hand (longingly) on her abdomen to ensure the abs are being executed correctly. :suspicion:

[Moontiger]

Well we don't actually know what was said between them. All we know is 1) he felt suspicious that his gf wanted to go to the gym by herself. 2) he doesn't trust her (not wanting her to have a male trainer would indicate that he is worried she will cheat and/or he doesn't trust her judgement to drop the train if he were to become unprofessional).

 

Combined, the picture is of a very insecure man who doesn't trust his gf around other men.

[TMifune]

TMIfune,

 

My underlying take with this is that when someone (ANYONE, male/female) has issues like this (their significant other seeing a professional of the opposite sex), it means that they are having an irrational, emotional reaction that has very little basis in reality. They need to work on overcoming this irrational emotion, rather than asking their partner to change because of a niggling baseless feeling.

 

It is not the same as if, say, a partner was having an opposite sex friend that was close to crossing or actually crossing boundaries. This is worry over a non-sexual, regulated, professional situation in which someone is just doing their job and no boundary crossings have taken place.

 

It is in my experience that someone (male or female, doesn't matter) who has these feelings and instead of working on them, puts the burden on their partner to change, usually has some jealousy and insecurity issues.

 

Not really disagreeing with you. My issue is with the contention that having and expressing an insecurity is automatically categorized as "controlling" behavior. It's automatically assumed that he's not doing anything to adjust or that he doesn't recognize that it's his problem. It's possible to both recognize that and still express it. Expressing it at least puts them both on the same page. Him trying to suppress it seems much more likely to make their relationship unhealthy to me. It's also possible for her to know how he feels and still decide to do whatever she wants. It doesn't "control" her unless she lets it. At the very least it avoids that God-awful moment where she realizes something's bothering him but he says it's nothing even though they both know it's something.

 

My other problem is that in general there's this attitude of judgement that seems to drip from threads like these. It can be seen most directly when people choose not to address the behavior but the person. Instead of "That behavior seems insecure and jealous" it's "You, OP, You're insecure and jealous". And that, to me comes across as being more interested in shaming and ridiculing OP than in actually helping him. I'm speaking in the general, not accusing anyone specifically, just saying that's how the totality of a thread like this comes across to me. Especially when you can see in OP's responses how he felt attacked by how defensive some of his initial responses were.

 

Basically reading threads like this teaches men that it's a bad idea to be honest with women about how they feel.

 

I don't know. I'm officially going back to lurking. Sometimes I just feel compelled to speak up in the hopes that it'll reach somebody somewhere. I won't hold my breath.

[Fudgie]

I understand where you're coming from TMI, ans I agree, having the feelings doesn't make you an awful, controlling person. It's what you do with those feelings that matters.

 

I DO think it's controlling to tell your partner not to see a professional of the opposite sex. Which is what OP said he did in his first post. He said he wasn't cool with it, so she switched. That's controlling in my book.

 

If he came forth and said "listen, I'm having these niggling irrational worries about you having a male trainer. I know you wouldn't do anything but I still worry. Soothe my mind." would be okay. My boyfriend comes to me with his worries (nothing to do with me or jealousy, it's stuff in his own life), stuff that seems trivial, but we talk about it and I help him feel better. That's all good!

 

By not addressing the underlying irrationality, he will continue to suffer emotionally and possibly damage his relationship in the long run.

 

Sorry didn't want you to think I'm attacking you or OP but I'd like him to see that this is very serious issue and the onus is on him to reframe his own mind on it rather than asking her to change.

[lostandhurt]

Here is my advice from one guy to another that has dated and been married to gorgeous women.

 

Talk to her and make it clear she can choose any trainer she feels comfortable with (male or female) and while you are at it apologize for implying she can't use a male trainer. This will show her you are man enough to admit your knee jerk reaction was wrong.

 

There are men everywhere that will hit on your gf and you know it. I am sure you have seen plenty of guys checking her out when you are out together haven't you? Simply put you cannot shoo away every guy that hits on her and you cannot control her life so she isn't put in situations where there will be men willing to ignore that she has a bf and try and chat her up. In fact if you stay on this path you are more than likely to sour her opinion of you and make your relationship more vulnerable.

 

My ex worked as a receptionist at a gym, a cashier at a auto parts store and a clerk in the men's department at a major retailer. She was hit on all the time by tons of men but I trusted her and she appreciated it. If any guys wouldn't take no for an answer and she felt like I needed to step in she would tell me. The fact that she felt the way she did about me made all those other men invisible.

 

Remember there are men she works with, sees at the coffee house, grocery store and on and on. Make trust the bedrock of your relationship and it will grow from there. Make her feel like you do not trust her to act appropriate around other men and it will crumble under its own weight.

 

Lost

[superfan]

OP you asked if you should be worried and the answer is yes. You should be worried that if you continue to let your insecurity rule you, your girlfriend will get fed up and walk away. If it were me, I would have done so already.

 

There are a million and one reasons why your girlfriend might not want you at the gym with her. She might be insecure about how sweaty she will get. She might be insecure about how she works out, what machines she uses, etc. She might just want this time to herself with her own thoughts. She might prefer someone who is a qualified professional to train her.

 

Her reasons are her own and are frankly none of your business.

 

As for the male trainer, you need to ask yourself what you are really worried about. Are you worried that a male trainer will hit on her or that she will cheat on you?

 

My husband works for the largest fitness company in Canada and although he works in the office part of it, I have seen first hand the long hours that a person has to put in in order to be a certified personal trainer. Do you know what it would be called if a personal trainer hit on a client?

 

Sexual harassment. Just like if a doctor hit on a patient. At the very least unprofessional and they would lose their job once it was reported. If you are truly worried that there are male trainers out there that are willing to risk it, then trust that if they did, your girlfriend would report it and they would be fired.

 

UNLESS you are worried she is going to cheat on you and you want her to work out with you or have a female trainer to mitigate that fear.

 

You cannot control her, nor can you reasonably expect that the people she comes into contact with not be of the opposite sex. If you trust her, then you have to come to terms with this. If you don't then you either need to walk away or eventually she will.

[Hermes]

"Then she tried to get a male personal trainer, I told her I wasn't cool with it so she switched to a female. "

 

And of course we must remind ourselves that there could be female trainers out there who might also become "interested" in his GF.

[greta96]

Your girlfriend is a free person, the fact that she is in a relationship with you doesn't mean in any way that you hold a leash around her neck and get to dictate who she can go to the gym with, or who can she train with. Yes, she may have changed her mind about the personal trainer, but not because she wanted to, but because she saw how jealous you got over her choice and wanted to appease you. She may have conceded on this, but make no mistake, she won't forget and this will add up to the rest of the hoops you will be making her jump through. Eventually, she will probably just end this relationship, because having a partner this insecure, jealous and controlling is just not fun.

 

I wouldn't want my boyfriend going to the gym with me either, so I can totally understand where she is coming from. And if my partner told me (or "suggested") that he was unhappy with my choice of trainer, he would no longer be my partner, because this is a telltale sign of a controlling personality and I don't want to deal with that.

 

Try to word it any way you want to make yourself sound better, the bottom line is that you need to work on yourself and your trust issues, insecurities and whatever else you may be dealing with, and, if you find you are unable to trust your girlfriend, end it and stay single until you fix your own issues.

 

I don't see this relationship lasting too long.

[Hermes]

"not all trainers are professional lets be real some of them are a joke."

 

I would imagine your GF has the common-sense and discernment to select a personal trainer who is not "a joke".

[TMifune]

The Shame Message

 

When Brené interviewed men of all ages about what shame messages they experience, one answer prevailed. “Don’t be a .” She talks about how men are raised to hide behind a curtain of strength, like the great and powerful Wizard of Oz who turned out to be nothing more than a blustery old man. As women, we tend to keep them behind the curtain because we don’t want to witness their weaknesses.

 

Over and over in her interviews, Brené heard men talking about how women were constantly criticizing them about not being open, vulnerable, and intimate, how women were begging to be let in, to have men expose their fears. But when men got brave enough to do this, the message they received from the women in their lives was “I can’t stomach your weakness.” When men dare to be vulnerable, women often recoil with fear, disappointment, and disgust, sending men the clear message that they better “Man up.” One of Brené’s mentors said, “Men know what women really want. They want us to pretend to be vulnerable. We get really good at pretending.”

 

But pretending doesn’t work. Men are human, so they’re not always pillars of strength. They get frightened. They feel vulnerable. They make mistakes. They sometimes feel small and weak, like scared little boys. Yet they don’t feel like they can let themselves be seen in these states of weakness, so they armor up. Unless men develop what Brené calls “shame resilience,” when men feel that rush of inadequacy and smallness, they wind up either getting pissed off or shutting down emotionally.

 

[url="

 

Food for thought.

[boltnrun]

So you think she needs you there to fight off the men who might hit on her, because she's incapable of saying "no" on her own?

 

And if she had a male personal trainer she wouldn't be able to say "no" if he hit on her?

 

OR...are you worried she might find HIM attractive?

[Wiseman2]

I believe this. You are her lover so she wants to be attractive to you. Nothing wrong going on here.

she said she didn't want me to because she didn't want me to see her sweaty and gross.

]

[Ms Darcy]

I think the first step here is recognizing that YOU have a problem that you need to work on. Your relationship will go a lot smoother when you distinguish between the inner work you need to do and concerns that should be expressed. The same would be true of your gf to you.

[Coldarmy13]

Your relationship is so new, that I wouldn't have picked that hill to die on for sure. It's good to express concerns and how you feel, but to me this is a very small thing. Insecurity and maybe past relationship issues (?) seem to have inflated things. I always think of it as having balance and picking your battles.

 

Sure, I'm sure if all of us guys had a choice we'd set them up with a female trainer as opposed to a male. Does it really matter though? She is much more likely to be hit on and approached by many men every day, ones she isn't hiring to train her. Sort of what's been said, it's up to her to trust her that she wouldnt stray and would be faithful on any situation. Unless she is wronging you on some way, any controlling behavior or behavior she may see as limiting her in any way will most assuredly be seen as unattractive. Maybe even weakness emotionally. That's much more likely to create problems in your relationship than training with a male trainer. At the end of the day, she is taking steps to improve her health and physique while being with you. Could be worse. I'd advise what was said by another poster: apologize for the knee jerk reaction and be supportive about her training. If she wants you to join her in the future then great, if not, continue doing your thing. Few months is really nothing and she might not be comfortable enough yet or just would prefer to look her best around me you when she can. She expressed her reasons why she didn't want you to go with her. You seemed to have combined her wanting to work out alone and her getting a trainer who is a male when they are really separate and you expressed issues with both.

 

Moral of my advice, be more selective when chosen your battles. Everyone has experienced how terrible being with an overly controlling and jealous partner is, be the other guy.

[Hermes]

I stand amazed, Coldarmy :subdued:

 

"Sure, I'm sure if all of us guys had a choice we'd set them up with a female trainer as opposed to a male".

 

Why?

[Coldarmy13]

I stand amazed, Coldarmy :subdued:

 

"Sure, I'm sure if all of us guys had a choice we'd set them up with a female trainer as opposed to a male".

 

Why?

 

I'm personally indifferent about it, but if someone forced me to chose that's what I'd pick. That's more of what I was getting at.

[superfan]

Again for those in the back: If a personal trainer hits on a client, that is sexual harassment and can get them fired! The odds of this happening are VERY low and if it did, the girlfriend in question could (and should) report him.

 

It sounds more like the OP is insecure about another man looking at/having a say in his partner's body. He needs to work on that.

[Hermes]

Never, ever, been able to understand this brand of jealousy, and never will.

[TMifune]

Again for those in the back: If a personal trainer hits on a client, and she is not receptive to or offended by that advance, that is sexual harassment and can get them fired! The odds of this happening are VERY low and if it did, the girlfriend in question could (and should) report him.

 

It sounds more like the OP is insecure about another man looking at/having a say in his partner's body. He needs to work on that.

 

Made this more accurate for you.

[Moontiger]

Again for those in the back: If a personal trainer hits on a client, that is sexual harassment and can get them fired! The odds of this happening are VERY low and if it did, the girlfriend in question could (and should) report him.

 

It sounds more like the OP is insecure about another man looking at/having a say in his partner's body. He needs to work on that.

 

100% spot on. I had a male personal trainer for a short while. At the gym I went to, you had to have a fitness assessment and got to meet the trainers before the first "real" training session. Only two of the trainers were there the day I had my assessment, a male and a female. I found the male trainer to be more professional so I choose to have my sessions with him. During the months I worked with him we spent 40% of the time discussing fitness, 25% his girlfriend, 25% my dating life, and 10% movies we had seen recently.

 

If you don't trust your GF to interact one-on-one with men, then go find a very religious/conservative girl who will just stay in the house all day and only see male family members.

[superfan]

Made this more accurate for you.

 

Thanks for the mainsplaining, but no. It was accurate from the beginning. Whether she is receptive to the advance or not, a personal trainer hitting on a client IS sexual harassment by virtue of the trainer/client relationship.

 

If a doctor hit on a patient it would be sexual harassment regardless of how receptive the patient was.

 

My dentist had his license suspended for a period of 6 months because he married a patient. It didn't matter that she was interested (and married) him.

[Hermes]

Yeh, Moontiger

 

"If you don't trust your GF to interact one-on-one with men, then go find a very religious/conservative girl who will just stay in the house all day and only see male family members".

 

21st Century and you hear about these attitudes.....

[TMifune]

Thanks for the mainsplaining, but no.

 

I would have said the same thing regardless of your gender or mine. There was no need for this.

[Fudgie]

Actually, tvnerdgirl, I respectfully disagree: I don't think TMifune was "mansplaining". I believe he is right.

 

Harrassment is not defined by the actions themselves, but rather how the receiver feels about it. If that attention is wanted and the receiver is legally and mentally competent, then it's NOT harassment. People flirt and meet at work all the time. This is not harassment because both parties desire this. It becomes harassment when it is undesired, unwanted, etc.

 

This is why it's important to document unwanted advances and to seek help right away so you can form a paper trail of evidence if you ever need it in the future.

 

A key part of the definition is the use of the word unwelcome. Unwelcome or uninvited conduct or communication of a sexual nature is prohibited; welcome or invited actions or words are not unlawful. Sexual or romantic interaction between consenting people at work may be offensive to observers or may violate company policy, but it is not sexual harassment.

[/b]

 

Now, onto the dentist anecdote:

 

My dentist had his license suspended for a period of 6 months because he married a patient. It didn't matter that she was interested (and married) him.

 

This is an entirely different matter. Violating the sacred doctor/patient relationship is grounds for losing one's license. Medical professionals are expected in their profession to never violate this, even if the contact is wanted by both parties. It does not matter.

Likewise, many companies ban romantic relationships between bosses and their employees, because it compromises their ability to evaluate them objectively. But that is a company policy - and it may not exist at certain companies or family-run businesses. And so, that is not against the law if the advances are wanted.

 

But preserving the doctor/patient relationship is very important, so people can feel more comfortable with going to the doctor knowing that the practitioner is legally bound to keep it professional AT ALL TIMES, lest they lose their license.

 

Totally not the same with people like gym trainers, teachers (if both people are 18+ and there is no policy saying no, or they date AFTER the student graduates), etc.

 

Also, I find the term "mansplaining" to be incredibly offensive and not conducive to open discussion. It shames men into silence. We don't need that.