Girlfriend wants to go to the gym without me, I need advice

[JustCurious88]

So me and this girl have been dating now for a few months. She all of a sudden has an interest in the gym which is fine because I love the gym. I've been working out for years with football and being in the military. I offered to help train her and she said she didn't want me to because she didn't want me to see her sweaty and gross. Then she tried to get a male personal trainer, I told her I wasn't cool with it so she switched to a female. Should I be worried? The reasons why she doesn't want to work out with me aren't adding up.

[mustlovedogs]

On the one hand: studies show a partner has a renewed interest in fitness when they want to leave.

 

On the other hand: I would hate going to the gym with a partner that new. For exactly the reasons she said. I would feel insecure, ESPECIALLY being trained by my boyfriend. That crosses boundaries IMO. If you push too hard, is she suddenly inadequate?

 

If you're really in to it, she may be trying to just build up baseline fitness to try and keep up with you. Unless there is something larger at play, don't read in to it.

[Snny]

I agree that you crossed the line with telling her who she should get to personally train with. Trainers are PROFESSIONALS. A guy isn't going to feel up your girl or be gawking at her while he's at work and being watched. I've trained with both men and women and personally prefer male trainers because they push me HARDER.

 

I don't like flirting with guys at the gym for the same reason- the stench and feeling sweaty bothers me.

[Ms Darcy]

If it were me, I would dump you. Trainers are professionals. If I am paying someone that much money to help me get in shape, I don't need to deal with a jealous, insecure boyfriend. Nope.

[HeartGoesOn]

She doesn't need your permission to go to the Gym. Your insecurities are your issues, and have nothing to do with her choices.

[j.man]

Training involves a good amount of critiquing along with the pushing and motivating. Many partners and, let's be frank, women in particular aren't exceptionally fond of being critiqued or corrected by their partners, or really anyone they haven't explicitly hired to do so.

 

For example, when I trained folks, I was an absolute stickler on form. There's little doubt in my mind that I had much more license to tell a client to restart a set 7 times because of her form than her boyfriend would have.

 

You should have let it go. Now she's seen your distrustful and controlling side. That's a much surer way to get her to stray than a male trainer.

[JustCurious88]

Hey Mustlovedogs, I have read about those studies, but feel as though if that was the case she would just leave. What's the point of waiting. I wasn't trying to cross any boundaries just was trying to help her with her issues. She did mention trying to build herself up so she felt comfortable working out together. Thank you for actually giving a helpful comment.

[JustCurious88]

Snny, all I did was have a conversation with her about it. Please tell me your not naive and believe that there are not male trainers that have poor intentions.

[JustCurious88]

Well Ms Darcy, I'm glad we aren't dating haha, not all trainers are professional lets be real some of them are a joke.

[JustCurious88]

Heart Goes on, why don't you go read the original post, I never said she needed my permission, or did I say I gave her any ultimatums. She chose to change the trainer after our conversation. Don't forget relationships are about communication.

[JustCurious88]

J.man, I appreciate your comment. Thanks for actually putting thought into your comment. Maybe I should have let it go, but I'm glad I didn't. Once again I'm not controlling anything, she's going to do what she's going to do. She chose to switch

[Capricorn3]

Snny, all I did was have a conversation with her about it.

That "conversation" was you telling her you're not cool with it. This implies you are NOT happy with what she was doing so she changed to a female trainer, rather than put up with your wrath. If I was her, I would have been pretty p*ssed off. Also, I don't blame her for not wanting to go to the gym with you. I would hate it too - she wants to do this on her own, some time to herself (rightly so), without a boyfriend critiquing her.

[JustCurious88]

Hello Capricorn3, I can see where you are coming from, we definitely haven't been together long enough for her to feel like she's going to feel my "wrath". I don't see how you can hate the thought of going to the gym with your boyfriend. All I'm doing is showing interest and offering to help her improve herself. I don't see why I'm such a bad person for that.

[boltnrun]

I don't see why she's such a bad person for wanting to get fit on her own, without having to feel self-conscious.

[IAmFCA]

OP,

 

You ask, "Should I be worried?"

 

No. You should trust that if she is with you, she wants to be. And if she doesn't, she will tell you and will stop being with you.

 

Stick with this philosophy. Amy other pattern of trying to figure out what she intends is crazy making. If the rl is working for you, then be supportive and keep your anxieties to yourself. If it isn't how you want it, express your concern - and then decide what you want to do.

 

Reading into the gym is crazy making.

[Trammel]

I think she is just self-conscious about her body - like most women are unfortunately forced to be. You gotta dial back on the jealousy I think.

 

I go for bike-rides/hikes with my boyfriend, because we are both interested in staying in shape. But I go to the gym by myself. And I wear headphones so I don't have to talk to anybody, male or female.

You should just support her going to the gym, because it's a good thing for anybody of any gender.

[Fudgie]

I prefer to work out without my boyfriend too. We've gone to the gym together to play badminton together, and we will go at the same time but workout separately. But going to the gym with someone is kind of a distraction. Maybe she feels the same way. I've never been harassed or anything at the gym.

 

Listen, I am trying to be kind but blunt here: I know that you think your g/f is hot and maybe she is, but trainers are professionals and no matter how hot you think she is, he's not gonna risk his freaking JOB over a random woman he's training. Please. If she's going to a reputable, good gym with good trainers, then what's the problem here?

 

Off question: How would you feel if your girlfriend switched to a male gynecologist?

[Snny]

Snny, all I did was have a conversation with her about it. Please tell me your not naive and believe that there are not male trainers that have poor intentions.

I'm married and have never encountered male trainers being unprofessional. In fact one of them I train with is 62 My husband has zero problems with it.

 

 

How would you feel if your girlfriend switched to a male gynecologist?

This is a great question, Fudgie.

 

My husband works in a GYN office with female patients all the time. You know, vaginas and cervixes and the whole female anatomy. With your logic, should I be suspicious of my husband because he works with female clients? Better yet, tell him to quit his job instead of helping women and their health?

[Fudgie]

Just speaking from personal experience, I will never again tolerate someone who can't handle me going to a professional who is of the opposite sex. One of my exes, who ended up being really jealous and controlling, hated that I had a male gyno. HATED it. Nevermind that unlike with female gynos, I didn't get a chaperone and didn't feel comfortable. With male gynos, a chaperone is required and I get nervous during pelvic exams so I get to have someone's hand to squeeze. Never got that with female gynos.

 

To me, it just screams of a view that is kind of divorced from reality. They are goddamn professionals and frankly, have better things to do in their off time than to think about all the sticky vaginas or sweaty bodies that they had to deal with all day. People really need to get their minds out of the gutter here.

 

I work in healthcare myself and have washed/dressed/everything else with patients and none of it phases me. The idea, to me, that I would somehow remember the "best" genitals or something is offensive. Do I remember patients? Yes, I do, the ones I've done my best to connect with and help to feel better, or the ones that were most trying and difficult for me. I'm not making a mental catalog of every single pe_s I see and "comparing" it to my boyfriend and thinking about that when I should be focused on caring for the patient. That is absolutely ridiculous, offensive, and wrong.

[shellyf62]

So you are "suggesting" that she sees a female trainer.... how soon before you start "suggesting" who she is friends with or what she wears ???

[Hermes]

I've never heard such a lot of nonsense! Really OP!

 

Any gym I've ever been in the trainer(s) was/were male. And for the record my hairdresser is male, my gynaecologist is male, the masseur I go to now and then is male, oh yes, way back my driving instructor was male...I could go on...

[Moontiger]

You seem pretty controlling and insecure.

[fitgirl]

Yeah it's definitely weird that you're worried about this. My boyfriend and I both go to the gym 6 days a week, often not at the same time. We definitely never actually workout together. Let her do her own thing and pursue fitness the way that she wants to. You absolutely sound jealous and petty right now.

[TMifune]

I don't even know where to begin unwinding this.

 

I'll say first.....OP doesn't have a right to tell her that she has to do anything or can't do anything. But he absolutely does have a right to express that he's uncomfortable with something she's choosing to do. The responses in this thread would seem to suggest otherwise.

 

All OP did was express that, right or wrong, her seeing a male trainer makes him uncomfortable. That's his feeling and he's entitled to that. And in a relationship he's entitled to express that. But from the looks of this thread you'd think he told her if she went through with it he'd beat her and lock her in the basement. I can't even fathom how things get that twisted. I'd suggest some of you spend some time studying and understanding the Slippery Slope Fallacy. (Link for your convenience:

 

It's called communication. He expressed that it makes him uncomfortable. That's honest. She chose to get a female trainer. That's her choice. She also now knows he has some insecurities. She can factor that into how she feels about the relationship, and she can choose to end things if she doesn't like that. Again, that's her choice.

 

But I find the implication that him expressing a reservation somehow "controls" her and limits her ability to freely choose deeply insulting to women as a whole. I mean do people really think women are so weak-willed that a man saying "I don't like that" renders her unable to still freely exercise her will?

 

I especially don't understand because I thought you were supposed to communicate in a relationship....good and bad.

[agent1607307371]

I'm sorry OP, but saying you don't trust them is a veiled way of saying that you don't trust her. It always is.

 

Maybe you've been cheated on in the past, but if you take that into future relationships you're going to poison them.