Brother In Law Cheating On My Sister

[jak]

Hello all well to start this post I don’t really know where to begin, but here goes.

 

My sister has been married for about 15 years. About three years ago he cheated on her. She forgave him and he became ill last year with advanced prostrate cancer. He can not work now with his illness.

She allows him now on face book as he is ill. I am wary as I believe he is only acting like he is a changed man now as he has this serious illness.

He wrote a post saying this …

 

Wishing my wife happy anniversary 15 years and I love her more now than ever. A true partner friend and lover she knows me more than I know myself supports me more than anyone would ever know and puts up with all my problems and pains bless her what would I do without her. We have had ups and downs but she is truly special and I love her dearly.

 

I will explain more in depth about this story so you all know everything about my worries and concerns.

He has been married twice before he married my sister. The first wife he was married to for 15 years and he cheated on her with his brother’s wife. The wife left him after finding out for another woman. I don’t know of any other occasions he may have cheated more than once on that wife?

He then got married for a second time to a first cousin. She was much younger than him. He cheated on her he said as she never gave him much love and attention, he cheated on her with a close friend. She then later left him and yet again I do not know if this was the only occasion he cheated on her.

 

Three years later he met my sister they dated for three years before getting married. I found out also when they were engaged he had cheated on my sister with his ex girlfriend. She forgave him for cheating when they were engaged. My sister writes all over face book that she is in love with her husband, most days. Even though my sister writes on facebook that she is in love with her husband, I know a different story as she tells me everything. She finds it hard to trust him even now.

 

She had two daughters to previous man and he took them on at a young age. They think allot about him. They also write on facebook how much they love him. If you met him you would think that he could do no harm to anyone. As he is very quiet and he portrays he is a big softie.

 

About three years ago I found out from my sister that he had cheated on her with a younger girl, that affair went on for about two and half years. Whilst that was going on she was still writing how much she loved her husband all over facebook and acting like the marriage was fine. And they still did everything like a normal married couple would do. Why I am saying this I don’t understand why he cheated on my sister when to me everything seemed like they had a good marriage? Anyways she found out he was having this affair with a younger girl and she told him to end it. He ended it but then he went back to his younger lover again, my sister found out about this and she threaten to leave him if he didn’t stop contact. So he said that he would stop contact. Then I found out off a friend of mine that he had been sending emails to his ex lover saying that he could not talk at the minute because his wife would not let him, and could he talk later when she was less suspicious? He then became redundant and my sister had to go find work. Then six months later he become ill. Now she allows him to use facebook as before she did not let him use it, as she was wary about him cheating on her again. Now since he became ill he writes how much he loves her and how amazing she is. I don’t know if he stopped cheating because he got sick and could no longer cheat, because he now has to rely on my sister, as he is too ill to cheat now. He is a very charming man he knows what to say on all occasions so how do you believe this man? He even blamed all of his ex wifes and lovers for the reasons why he cheated. He blamed my sister for him cheating with the younger girl. My sister didn’t understand herself what she had done wrong because even whilst he was having his affair he kept up a normal marriage. I am sharing all of my sisters story as I still have doubts about him. I don’t understand why he cheated on my sister on both occasions, my sister did say that she has suspicious that he has done it more than the times she has caught him. She knows I am writing this post as we share everything.

 

I care about my sister very much and I don’t like to think that he is taking her for a fool again. All I want to see is my sister happy and I think that he is only like this now because he has no other choice.

 

My sister’s children real father does not bother with them. So he took them on as his own. They always go to him for advice but he has said to me on many occasions that they are too needy. And they always check up on him. I believe they do this because of him cheating.

My sister likes everyone to think they have a perfect marriage and a perfect little family. She could not bare to admit the truth to anyone else but me. I feel he is a deceitful man and this illness is the only thing that stops him from cheating. So his messages I think are what he thinks she needs to hear now. And this breaks my heart for her to be used. Do you agree or have a different view on this?

I know I should mind my own business its just so hard when I care for her so much. And it breaks my heart to see this. What upset me the other day she is working long hours he was at home posted on facebook he had cooked her this meal and a friend said isn’t she so lucky to have you. He said yes she is lucky to have me I could not believe that comment. Then the next comment was but she is so special I thought to myself always blowing his own trumpet saying how great he is.

 

Also his illness he says he has no testosterone now and he had his lymph nodes removed and prostrate. They said his cancer has spread to other parts of his body and he is now on hormone replacement tablets.

 

He is now renewing their wedding vow’s and he has wrote this post on facebook public.

I wonder if he is doing this to show his lover? He write’s constantly on facebook public now about his love for his wife. I wonder if this is for his lover? Even though he says that he has no contact with her now.

[SkellyWoozle]

You can't live you sisters life for her. She has chosen to stay with him for whatever reason and that's her prerogative. of course you care about her and are concerned, but if she feels she has a loyalty to him due to his illness (maybe) and for the children during a not very pleasant time then that too is her business. Just be there for her and accept that things are what they are. One thing is for sure, she is going to need you sooner or later to be there for her, no question about that. Take care, both X

 

PS Stay off Facebook - it's the scourge of the devil!!

[SherrySher]

Well being as he is very ill, I'm not sure any of this has much point now anymore.

I hate to point out the obvious, but she knew he cheated the first time around and yet still chose to forgive him and stay. Most people are aware that cheaters don't normally stop, especially if he has quite a long history of doing this.

 

I'm not exactly sure what you want or need to hear, yes he is a disgraceful man for behaving this way and for being such a dishonest and disloyal man, however, none of these women have/had guns to their heads either and should be somewhat ashamed for allowing him to continue on acting this way and still remaining with him.

 

You are a caring brother for supporting her, and right now, that's all you can do..other than that, the ball is in her court as to what to do with this man.

[Knot2loud]

Well... At the risk of sounding uncaring about the man... I hope your sister has life insurance on him. Cheating... It's a sad story really. Things like this happen way to often. I commend your sister for putting up with the man for so long. That has to say a lot about how much she really did love the guy. To bad he was so damn selfish with his life.

 

I agree with SherrySher... All you can do is support your sister.

[jak]

Well... At the risk of sounding uncaring about the man... I hope your sister has life insurance on him. Cheating... It's a sad story really. Things like this happen way to often. I commend your sister for putting up with the man for so long. That has to say a lot about how much she really did love the guy. To bad he was so damn selfish with his life.

 

I agree with SherrySher... All you can do is support your sister.

 

 

Thank you everyone for your replies.

 

My sister goes out a lot and seem's to have a drink problem now. Which concerns me. When I mention to her about his cheating in the past she pretends it never happens.

She always says about his renewing his vow's with her he must have really changed since he got poorly. And that he really loves her for doing that.

 

She constantly keep's writing on facebook how in love they are.

 

Do you believe his illness would have changed him? Or is he using her now he need's her?

[lostandhurt]

It really doesn't matter if the cancer changed him or not. She has chosen to stay with him and you need to accept that. Just scroll past all the BS they post on FB and live YOUR life. They have both chosen their path and continue on it for years so you are wasting your energy on this.

 

Focus only on her, support her and let her know you love her. That is all you can do really.

 

As far as his cancer goes. I wouldn't wish cancer on anyone but Karma has a way of catching up with people...

 

Lost

[SkellyWoozle]

Not saying it makes his past actions right by any means, but illness can be very life affirming, so you could give him the benefit of the doubt and believe that he's a changed man, albeit rather late Cancer is a vile, cruel disease and I wouldn't wish it on anyone... with or without karma.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately she has known about prior cheating and perhaps wishes it's not happening or for whatever reason turns a blind eye to it. Ignore his sappy hypocritical posts, it's what she wants to read/believe.

 

They sound elderly so perhaps she doesn't want to rock the boat or stand by his illness or whatever. Is it a marriage of convenience?

 

It may be a case of ignorance is bliss, but if you confront her again it will not affect her denial it will only adversely affect your relationship with her because she chooses to keep her head in the sand.

She forgave him and he became ill last year with advanced prostrate cancer.She forgave him for cheating when they were engaged. Also his illness he says he has no testosterone now and he had his lymph nodes removed and prostrate. They said his cancer has spread to other parts of his body and he is now on hormone replacement tablets.

Is this a chronic thing?

[j.man]

And, really, some people simply aren't as bothered by cheating as most people are, particularly if they're convinced there's nothing emotional behind it.. It's not your place to push her to be.

[itsallgrand]

I love my brother to the moon. However, if he was insistent on acting so self destructive and foolish, I'd start putting some space between him and I. And I'd tell him why too. Wouldn't mean I'd ever stop loving him, and I'd be there for him according to what my own boundaries are. But toxic people have an impact - and even if it is family, if I thought someone was toxic ( to me, your sister is, that's my personally), I have to do what is right for me first now. Trying to 'save' someone from themselves doesn't work, and will just make you sick.

 

You could give her opportunities to get out of the house and time away from him. Just the two of you. Up to her if she takes you up on it or not.

[Iggy5129]

He married his cousin??

[DancingFool]

Thank you everyone for your replies.

 

My sister goes out a lot and seem's to have a drink problem now. Which concerns me. When I mention to her about his cheating in the past she pretends it never happens.

She always says about his renewing his vow's with her he must have really changed since he got poorly. And that he really loves her for doing that.

 

She constantly keep's writing on facebook how in love they are.

 

Do you believe his illness would have changed him? Or is he using her now he need's her?

 

It doesn't matter if he has or hasn't changed. The critically important part that you need to understand is that your sister chose to marry him knowing full well he is a cheater and is actively choosing to turn a blind eye to that. THAT is her choice to make and you may not and should not judge her, criticize her or dredge up the cheating thing in your conversations. She is making it very clear to you and others that the cheating subject is off the table and she is not interested in discussing it and she wants to turn the blind eye and pretend it never happened. She is free to choose to do so and if you care about her, then RESPECT her choice no matter how much you disagree with it.

 

Also agree with others - step away from FB. I can totally see how reading all the glowing bs when you know the dirty truth can drive you crazy. Then again, understand that they are both doing what they are doing because they want to and it makes them happy even if it's not the kind of thing that you can possibly wrap your head around or agree with. Truly all you can do is give yourself peace by stepping away.

 

Be supportive if she ever needs you, listen to her woes when she wants to cry about it, but realize that in the end, she will choose to live her life as she sees fit and that's that. Basically if she finds herself face down in the mud, just be sure you are there to step up and lend a hand, but on this kind of day to day stuff, keep out.

[ThatwasThen]

Op: Your sister has made her choice to stay with this man and I think that they both love one another enough that she has willingly chosen to accept that he will not change and that as long as he stays with her, or as long as he gets rid of his sexual partner when she thinks he's getting too involved, then he can do what he pleases. She may complain to you about it or just vent to you rather then call it "complain" because she trusts you not to judge her for staying with him.

 

If he has no prostate then his physical cheating days are over. Her choosing to stay with him after the betrayals is her choice and to him, it shows him how much she loves him and will be there for him in what is likely his last days.

 

Stop worrying so much about your sisters choices and if her venting to you is causing you to take on her emotional burdens then kindly point out to her that it was her choice to continue on in a marriage that has not been monogamous and then let the burden go from you. Its not fair that she makes you eat the sins of a sin eater.

[jak]

He married his cousin??

 

Yes he married his first cousin but she divorced him.

[jak]

She always seems to hang out with these people who drink excessively every night. They seem to think it's the way of life. They are all loud and rude, I hope for her to get away from these people. I have tried to talk to her calm about this but she swears and screams at me no matter how I do this. And says no we are all perfect. I talk to her daughters my nieces and they don't see that he is a cheat either. They have in their head that they have a perfect family. Do you think that both him and her are very insecure? Is this why he cheats? Thanks for your reply.

[Seraphim]

He is dying. Why bother to tear down the family even more? I would stay out of it and give support if asked.

[Wiseman2]

You both sound older...isn't it time for the sibling rivalry to stop? Why judge her or try to run her life or convince yourself you have to save her from her delusions of a happy marriage and partying too much?

 

Let it go. Butt out and work on why her life and lifestyle upset you so much? How's your marriage? Your social life? Keep busy with your own interests and family and friends .

She always seems to hang out with these people who drink excessively every night.

[j.man]

I talk to her daughters my nieces and they don't see that he is a cheat either.

Dude. You're seriously talking to her daughters in hopes they'll see their dad as a cheat?

 

Get off it.

[ThatwasThen]

She always seems to hang out with these people who drink excessively every night. They seem to think it's the way of life. They are all loud and rude, I hope for her to get away from these people. I have tried to talk to her calm about this but she swears and screams at me no matter how I do this. And says no we are all perfect. I talk to her daughters my nieces and they don't see that he is a cheat either. They have in their head that they have a perfect family. Do you think that both him and her are very insecure? Is this why he cheats? Thanks for your reply.

What business is any of this yours? You are now coming across as not having a life of your own so you try to live theirs for them. You sound far too involved for a mere "sibling." She's happy so please leave your judgement at the door and be a good support system for her when/if she needs to grieve his loss.

[jak]

What business is any of this yours? You are now coming across as not having a life of your own so you try to live theirs for them. You sound far too involved for a mere "sibling." She's happy so please leave your judgement at the door and be a good support system for her when/if she needs to grieve his loss.

 

My sister is 55. I only worry as she has made herself ill with all this drinking. I just can't bare to see her getting so ill.

Also he is her kids step dad not their real father.

[Wiseman2]

Leave them alone. Her kids do not need you stirring the pot and creating unwanted drama in their lives. Stop dressing all this interference up as concern. If you were concerned you would not drag her kids through this and gossip about your sister to her own kids. How's your marriage?

My sister is 55. I only worry as she has made herself ill with all this drinking. I just can't bare to see her getting so ill. Also he is her kids step dad not their real father.

[Seraphim]

My sister is 55. I only worry as she has made herself ill with all this drinking. I just can't bare to see her getting so ill.

Also he is her kids step dad not their real father.

 

It doesn't mean you tear down the stepfather either . He HAS been their father and that is what matters. Not some dyck who took off and didn't bother with them .

[Seraphim]

You never tear down a child's parents to them . That leaves horrible emotional scars on a child . And when their parent is dying ,really ?

[jak]

You never tear down a child's parents to them . That leaves horrible emotional scars on a child . And when their parent is dying ,really ?

 

Her children know about all the affairs they talk to me about it. Ask my advice.

Ask me why she stays with him?

[Seraphim]

Her children know about all the affairs they talk to me about it. Ask my advice.

Ask me why she stays with him?

 

Just stay out of it. The reason they run to you is because they know you will encourage the talking about it .