For those of you who want to get back together, please read

[JayCho]

Hi All,

 

Been a while since I've posted anything on here, probably two years or so. Here is my original story, for those of you who are interested in reading:

 

For those of you who do not want to read it, I'll summarize. I was in a relationship for a while with someone who I thought was "the one." Things took a terrible turn, we couldn't work it out and we broke up. I was pretty hurt and wanted nothing more than to get back together with this person. I didn't push, I simply let go in the hope that she would come back. Some things that happened in the last two years that changed my life:

 

1. I left the state I lived in. I was miserable living where I lived and after we broke up I put in my two weeks notice, packed only what I could fit in my car and left. I was nervous, confused, hurt, uncertain what the future would hold but I decided to get away from all the negative (my job, my terrible friends and family members, her, etc.)

 

2. Landed my dream job this March. I went from a job I hate to slowly climbing through at a new company. Then a former co-worker who had been fired joined the company I'm at now and headhunted me HARD. I love it here, couldn't be happier!

 

3. I went from being poor, to now having three incomes! I set my goal to retire in 10 years when I left. I figured if I'm not fighting for the one I love, I should fight for my own future and invest in myself. I have my work income, I started a background check company and do that on the side, and I invested money into a business that I'm now a 20% partner of.

 

4. I went from being in a foreclosed house and always on edge about money to now owning a property and having no concerns.

 

There are more but I'll stop here. The reason I create this thread is to provide some motivation and to also tell a story. Focus on yourself, you are your most important investment. When you're in a toxic relationship or at the end of a relationship you're trying to save you're not yourself. You're so focused on righting that wrong ship that you lose track of what's really important.

 

The EX reached out via email this week. She asked very bluntly about getting back together. Something we ALL hope and dream of, me included. I shot her down without even second guessing myself. I was nice and peaceful in the email, just stating that the time away allowed me to work on myself and grow and that I realized we weren't meant to be.

 

To add to this, surrounding myself with so much positive allowed me to find the girl of my dreams as well! She came into my life at a turbulent point and didn't let me go. I wasn't quite ready for a relationship per-say (she found my last July, 1 year after my break-up) but she stood by my side, never gave me sass or a hard time and allowed me to grow while offering support. I can honestly say that our relationship is amazing. She is perfect. We have never had an argument, we get along famously. It's at this time I realize what it's like to be in a healthy, productive, organic relationship.

 

So in sum, I'm sure whoever you are reading this right now, you may be hurt, broken, feeling confused and like you're never going to get over whatever emotion it may be. Trust me you WILL. Focus on yourself, make you the person you always wanted to be. Set your own goals with you in mind. Follow your instincts and cut out the negative influences. Change your environment (if necessary). These changes go a long way for you to realize who you are and become the person who can look back and giggle and see how ridiculous it was that you ever thought you wanted the person back who was so toxic.

 

Good luck and if you ever need to talk, feel free to message me.

[Hermes]

Say it again, Jay!!

 

The reason I create this thread is to provide some motivation and to also tell a story. Focus on yourself, you are your most important investment. When you're in a toxic relationship or at the end of a relationship you're trying to save you're not yourself. You're so focused on righting that wrong ship that you lose track of what's really important.

 

and

 

..........see how ridiculous it was that you ever thought you wanted the person back who was so toxic.

[gebaird]

Preach!

[Ksol9]

This was refreshing to read, especially for those of us who are stuck in a dark place.

 

Thank you.

[JayCho]

People would be surprised what they're capable of when they shift their energy. I was 100% focused on maintaining a toxic relationship, putting everything and everyone else aside. Once I shifted that and put the 100% on me, everything opened up. Opportunities, relationships (with friends, family, new significant other), etc. When you're positive you tend to bring about positive experiences, positive people and it reflects in your day-to-day. The same when you're negative and in a negative relationship. After you have removed the negatives you'll begin to see just how badly they were affecting you. The key is not to let them back in. Negative people have a tendency to try and come back into your life, or hold you down, almost feeding off your failures and seeing you not succeed. Surround yourself with positive friendships, relationships, people that want to see you succeed and in a sincere way.

 

Never thought I'd be where I am in only two short years and who knows where we'll be two years from now.

[cristal]

Hi All,

 

Been a while since I've posted anything on here, probably two years or so. Here is my original story, for those of you who are interested in reading:

 

For those of you who do not want to read it, I'll summarize. I was in a relationship for a while with someone who I thought was "the one." Things took a terrible turn, we couldn't work it out and we broke up. I was pretty hurt and wanted nothing more than to get back together with this person. I didn't push, I simply let go in the hope that she would come back. Some things that happened in the last two years that changed my life:

 

1. I left the state I lived in. I was miserable living where I lived and after we broke up I put in my two weeks notice, packed only what I could fit in my car and left. I was nervous, confused, hurt, uncertain what the future would hold but I decided to get away from all the negative (my job, my terrible friends and family members, her, etc.)

 

2. Landed my dream job this March. I went from a job I hate to slowly climbing through at a new company. Then a former co-worker who had been fired joined the company I'm at now and headhunted me HARD. I love it here, couldn't be happier!

 

3. I went from being poor, to now having three incomes! I set my goal to retire in 10 years when I left. I figured if I'm not fighting for the one I love, I should fight for my own future and invest in myself. I have my work income, I started a background check company and do that on the side, and I invested money into a business that I'm now a 20% partner of.

 

4. I went from being in a foreclosed house and always on edge about money to now owning a property and having no concerns.

 

There are more but I'll stop here. The reason I create this thread is to provide some motivation and to also tell a story. Focus on yourself, you are your most important investment. When you're in a toxic relationship or at the end of a relationship you're trying to save you're not yourself. You're so focused on righting that wrong ship that you lose track of what's really important.

 

The EX reached out via email this week. She asked very bluntly about getting back together. Something we ALL hope and dream of, me included. I shot her down without even second guessing myself. I was nice and peaceful in the email, just stating that the time away allowed me to work on myself and grow and that I realized we weren't meant to be.

 

To add to this, surrounding myself with so much positive allowed me to find the girl of my dreams as well! She came into my life at a turbulent point and didn't let me go. I wasn't quite ready for a relationship per-say (she found my last July, 1 year after my break-up) but she stood by my side, never gave me sass or a hard time and allowed me to grow while offering support. I can honestly say that our relationship is amazing. She is perfect. We have never had an argument, we get along famously. It's at this time I realize what it's like to be in a healthy, productive, organic relationship.

 

So in sum, I'm sure whoever you are reading this right now, you may be hurt, broken, feeling confused and like you're never going to get over whatever emotion it may be. Trust me you WILL. Focus on yourself, make you the person you always wanted to be. Set your own goals with you in mind. Follow your instincts and cut out the negative influences. Change your environment (if necessary). These changes go a long way for you to realize who you are and become the person who can look back and giggle and see how ridiculous it was that you ever thought you wanted the person back who was so toxic.

 

Good luck and if you ever need to talk, feel free to message me.

 

 

This should be copied and pasted on the wall of everyone going through a bad time in their relationships.

 

This has been very well stated. Thank you for this.

[reinventmyself]

I've been through similar. I know that what you describe is waiting on the other side. Somehow it's much harder to realize when you are in the middle of it all but I do have faith and things do get better every day.

Thanks for the reminder and cheers to you.

Inspiring post. Thank you.

[Hermes]

Yes. Cristal!

 

Except I'd replace "bad time" with "toxic time".

 

Yes, Jay!

 

"Negative people have a tendency to try and come back into your life, or hold you down, almost feeding off your failures and seeing you not succeed. Surround yourself with positive friendships, relationships, people that want to see you succeed and in a sincere way."

 

And, to use the vampire analogy, they can't come in unless you invite/let them in.

 

The dreaded shackles in this toxic situations are "Malignant Nostalgia" and its dreary cousin "Malignant Optimism".

[JayCho]

I've been through similar. I know that what you describe is waiting on the other side. Somehow it's much harder to realize when you are in the middle of it all but I do have faith and things do get better every day.

Thanks for the reminder and cheers to you.

Inspiring post. Thank you.

 

I've obviously given a very short synopsis of what has actually occurred in the last two years. It wasn't always roses. There were many thorns along the way as well. The key is to moving past those thorns and growing from them. Every experience can be a positive experience if you've gained or learned something from it. Just don't let anyone hold you back or stop you from doing what you know will make you happy.

 

You know how many people told me I was an idiot for quitting my job (without having one lined up), leaving the state, leaving behind ALL of my possession besides what I could fit in my car, leaving my friends and family behind? If I had let just one of them stop me, who knows where I'd be now. I'm not saying everyone should do that, but don't be afraid to put yourself first and take the risks necessary to achieve your dreams and be successful.

[browneyedgirl36]

People would be surprised what they're capable of when they shift their energy. I was 100% focused on maintaining a toxic relationship, putting everything and everyone else aside. Once I shifted that and put the 100% on me, everything opened up. Opportunities, relationships (with friends, family, new significant other), etc. When you're positive you tend to bring about positive experiences, positive people and it reflects in your day-to-day. The same when you're negative and in a negative relationship. After you have removed the negatives you'll begin to see just how badly they were affecting you. The key is not to let them back in. Negative people have a tendency to try and come back into your life, or hold you down, almost feeding off your failures and seeing you not succeed. Surround yourself with positive friendships, relationships, people that want to see you succeed and in a sincere way.

 

Never thought I'd be where I am in only two short years and who knows where we'll be two years from now.

 

And this, right here (especially the bolded part) is exactly how it's done, folks. Shifting your energy, changing your focus, is KEY. Always moving forward, never looking behind you.

 

Well done, JayCho -- keep moving forward!

[moodindigo91]

In the words of Tupac Shakur

 

"If you believe then you can achieve,

Just look at me.

Against all odds, though life is hard we carry on,

Living in the projects, broke with no lights on

To all the seeds who follow me, protect your essence

Born with less, but you're still precious

Just smile for me now"

[cristal]

Yes. Cristal!

 

Except I'd replace "bad time" with "toxic time".

 

That's right Hermes! To tell you the truth, I am really tired of all of the toxicity and have decided for now, to just quit dating all together.

[Hermes]

Yes, Jay!

 

"...don't be afraid to put yourself first and

take the risks necessary to achieve your dreams and be successful."

[Matt3939]

Glad to hear this need a happy post every now and again. I was in the same place 4 years ago. It was amazing how fast things can change. Unfortunately with the ups come the downs. So now it's time to do it again. Im in a good place but no 1 to share it with. At least I know that it can happen. It's also amazing how much $$ one can save when single haha.

[Ms Darcy]

So glad you have moved on and moved up Jay. You are worth it. Everyone is.

[nihongo]

Awesome awesome awesome! Congrats to you!

 

You should paste your story in this ongoing thread.

 

[nihongo]

 

There are more but I'll stop here.

 

What are the other positive things you've done? We want to hear those too.

 

And where did you meet this amazing woman? I need ideas where to meet new women. Dating apps are not working for me.

[vsdk484]

Nice post Jay!

 

My ex broke up with me through text. How can someone u've been intimate and close with just do such a thing?

[Hermes]

Again...

 

"You're so focused on righting that wrong ship that you lose track of what's really important.

"

 

Exactly Jay.

[JayCho]

So glad you have moved on and moved up Jay. You are worth it. Everyone is.

 

Thank you Ms. Darcy. You give great advice. I'd like to personally thank you for what you do here. You spend a lot of time providing a lot of advice here. Most users (myself included) are only here to post their stories and move on, it's the individuals like you who stay here helping countless people that make this site successful. SO thanks!

[JayCho]

 

There are more but I'll stop here.

 

What are the other positive things you've done? We want to hear those too.

 

And where did you meet this amazing woman? I need ideas where to meet new women. Dating apps are not working for me.

 

 

Haha more positives... okay.

 

1. I helped my friend start his own business and am a co-founder. It is a non profit focused on the mental side of athletics. Everyone is always focused on working on their body into peak performance, we instead focus on getting your mental state into peak performance. More of what you do is mental than you realize. Example, look at Derrick Rose. Had an ACL injury that should've taken a year to heal. After the year, he was cleared for basketball activity and everyone was giving him hell for not participating. He wasn't over the mental side (the constant thought about re-injury, the scary part every time you take a step forward). And what happened? He got back on the court and re-injured the same knee the first game back. It's important to get over the mental humps. We now have about a handful of professional athletes we coach!

 

2. I remain extremely positive now. Every single time I can and catch myself thinking negatively I attempt to turn it into a positive. This has helped my line of thinking in a major way. I'll give you an example. Something we all hate: Traffic. I used to hate it.. get so mad... etc. Now I'm listening to pod casts and audio books in the car. I look at is as more time I can spend listening to educational audio in the car rather than me being late or "stuck" in traffic.

 

3. I revamped my relationships with friends and family. When in my garbage relationship, I was forgetting people's birthdays, family member functions, etc. Because all of my time and energy was focused on this black hole. I make it a point now to at least call everyone on their birthday. It makes a big difference and your friends and family will notice.

 

4. I dug my father out of his own hole. He's elderly, much much older than I. Maybe 78-79? He was in a rough spot for a while and now he lives with me and I take care of him. Of course he's the typical "get off my lawn" guy and can be a handful but I'm happy to help.

 

 

Okay, and now onto this girl. I got extremely lucky when I found her. I found her on a dating site. I won't say which one, but if you want to know more you can message me. Look, everyone knows which dating sites to use for what you want. You want a hookup? Tinder. You want a hookup or maybe a relationship? Plenty of Fish, OKCupid, etc. You want a relationship or something serious? Match, eHarmony, etc. You want a farmer? Farmeronly - LOL. So I had my profile set to private (meaning I could only see other profiles, no one could view mine, no one knew when I viewed theirs, etc.). Why? Because I was getting a lot of messages about my profile. I wasn't messaging every girl. I came across her profile and read it and she seemed so nice and innocent and sincere I questioned even messaging her... but did. She didn't respond. I then left to go to Miami last year for 10 days with my friend who started the mental health business. We went to network for that business, not to party.

 

The first day there, she messaged me and asked me to take her out! I was floored and upset. Because usually on these dating sites, if you can't meet that person "soon" they lose interest and disappear. I was scheduled to come back from Miami 7/15. I did, and then my next two weekends were packed with functions. So I kept putting off meeting her, because well weekdays were not good for me. I was working 8 AM - 8 PM M-F at my old job. She hung in there. We finally had a date on the last day of July (or I believe). That day comes and I'm getting ready. Some construction workers show up to talk about some activity they were going to do on the street. They left the door open when they walked in and the dog ran right out. I was supposed to be at the date at 630. It was 6 and she was 30 mins away. I was walking out and wanted to say bye to the dog and couldn't find her. Then realized she ran away. I'm in a dress shirt, jeans and dress shoes now running around the neighborhood looking for the dog. I'm texting the girl telling her this and she obviously isn't believing me. In her eyes I've pushed her away for almost a month and now am making excuses for the date.

 

I find the dog at 7, hop in the car and race over. Now it was 100 degrees this day so I'm sweaty and would've liked to take another shower but couldn't risk it. I call her and explain and OF COURSE hit traffic. She tells me after she finishes her drink she's leaving. I'm thinking, she's 20+ mins away, no way I make it in time. I walked in as she was walking out! Stopped her and the rest has been history. We talk about it all the time... it comes up weekly. Hahaha.

 

So that's how I met her. You gotta know what you're looking for and target that. It takes time on dating apps, but you can find someone worth it.

[Hermes]

Jay: You are also blessed with that invaluable quality: resilience. And it is a quality that can be developed.

 

"Resilience is what gives people the psychological strength to cope with stress and calamity. Psychologists believe that resilient individuals are better able to handle such adversity and rebuild their lives after a catastrophe."

"Resilient people are able to utilize their skills and strengths to cope and recover from problems and challenges. These problems may include job loss, financial problems, illness, natural disasters, medical emergencies, divorce, or the death of a loved one.

 

Those who lack this resilience may instead become overwhelmed by such experiences. They may dwell on problems and use unhealthy coping mechanisms to deal with life’s challenges. Disappointment or failure might drive them to unhealthy, destructive, or even dangerous behaviors.

 

These individuals are slower to recover from setbacks and may experience more psychological distress as a result."

 

"Some individuals come by these abilities naturally, with personality traits that help them remain unflappable in the face of challenge. However, these behaviors are not just inborn traits found in a select few individuals. According to many experts, resilience is quite common, and people are very capable of learning the skills that it takes to become more resilient."

 

 

[JayCho]

Jay: You are also blessed with that invaluable quality: resilience. And it is a quality that can be developed.

 

"Resilience is what gives people the psychological strength to cope with stress and calamity. Psychologists believe that resilient individuals are better able to handle such adversity and rebuild their lives after a catastrophe."

"Resilient people are able to utilize their skills and strengths to cope and recover from problems and challenges. These problems may include job loss, financial problems, illness, natural disasters, medical emergencies, divorce, or the death of a loved one.

 

Those who lack this resilience may instead become overwhelmed by such experiences. They may dwell on problems and use unhealthy coping mechanisms to deal with life’s challenges. Disappointment or failure might drive them to unhealthy, destructive, or even dangerous behaviors.

 

These individuals are slower to recover from setbacks and may experience more psychological distress as a result."

 

"Some individuals come by these abilities naturally, with personality traits that help them remain unflappable in the face of challenge. However, these behaviors are not just inborn traits found in a select few individuals. According to many experts, resilience is quite common, and people are very capable of learning the skills that it takes to become more resilient."

 

]

 

Thank you. I guess being burned over and over again helps develop that