Is my partner's behavior acceptable?

[j.man]

It sounds like a financial merger for economic gain, not love...it sounds like you'll continue to seek that on the side..

Well... to be fair... it's not like that model hasn't worked.

[greta96]

In light of your other thread, yes, changing jobs would be the only way you could put your fiancee's mind at ease, I can't believe you cannot see that! Changing jobs *and* cutting ties with that woman, of course. I can't even begin to imagine your fiancee's anguish, knowing how close you still are to that woman despite what happened! No wonder it's eating at her, especially since you selfishly refuse to see the issue here and keep trying to put the blame on her.

Ok, you can bring up her breaking up with you in 2012 as much as you want, but guess what? Once you made the decision to get back together with her, you no longer have the right to bring it up, it's in the past and considered forgiven. If you knew you were going to keep rehashing it and using it to justify your own emotional affair, you shouldn't have gotten back together with her.

 

You are absolutely in the wrong here, and frankly if I was your fiancee I would just dump you, because I deserve better than spend my life worrying about you and that woman, or tie my life to someone who refuses to see my point of view. So to answer your initial question, yes, your partner's behavior is acceptable given the circumstances, yours isn't.

[DancingFool]

Look, you had an emotional affair and you are not willing to put up any kinds of boundaries on your relationship with this person and you are not taking any responsibility for the wrongdoing. I'm surprised your fiance hasn't just dumped you .....yet..... You took things way beyond just having a crush in your imagination with this co-worker and emotional cheating in some ways is even more damaging than a drunken one night stand where you can't even remember her name or what she looked like, ok? It's important that you get this, because for as long as you keep sticking to "well I didn't sleep with her so I"m all in the clear", then you aren't getting it and you have no chance of climbing out of the hole.

 

Having said that, your fiance is also behaving/reacting poorly. Then again, she is acting out because she is both devastated, has lost trust and doing what she feels she can to create boundaries you refuse to create. She is doing this, and this is important, because you have done NOTHING to actually admit fault, establish better boundaries with other women (and this co-worker in particular) and remedy the situation with your SO to where she feels like she is actually #1 in your life, which she should be. Btw, just a different female perspective for you - I would have dumped you cold. Forget all the nonsense with the policing and the checking and the passive aggressive bs of removing her from your contacts list. You cheat you are gone and emotional cheating IS cheating. To women it can be worse and more damaging and difficult to get past than physical cheating and I'm not suggesting that physical cheating is OK, just trying to make you understand that you need to stop defending your actions and actually understand that what you did was very very very bad.

 

Side note....what kind of security job are you in where your computer is open at home and your SO or any schmuck passing by doing maintenance in your apartment can get access into your company info..... You are in violation of at least a dozen security protocols. You are so worried about your career....good grief.....maybe don't leave that kind of access open....like ever. This isn't about trust man, this is about security 101.

[Wiseman2]

There may be a hotter work wife at the next place and the next and the next. In fact there probably will always be. "Oh, the Places You'll Go!" by. Dr. Seuss. may be a good read for the OP, no?

In light of your other thread, yes, changing jobs would be the only way you could put your fiancee's mind at ease

[greta96]

There may be a hotter work wife at the next place and the next and the next. In fact there probably will always be. "Oh, the Places You'll Go!" by. Dr. Seuss. may be a good read for the OP, no?

 

Yep, if he's the type to enjoy having 'office wives' there will always be another one...and another... which is why if I knew the fiancee, I'd just tell her to end this and find someone who doesn't need that kind of attention.

[nutbrownhare]

To the OP: I couldn't stand being in a relationship where my partner looked through my phone and other areas of life which I regarded as private. It's a major no-no, and something which I wouldn't do myself.

 

To the OP's fianceé: I couldn't stand being in a relationship with a guy who'd already admitted to having a crush on another woman who he sees and works with every day, including going away on trips where they have a great time together. Even if it stopped short of intercourse.

 

Other than the material and practical aspects of your relationship, I can't understand why you're still together. The fact that your fianceé split up with you four years ago, only to get back with you again shortly afterwards, does not in any way justify your emotional infidelity. It sounds like a marriage of convenience.

[jennydanielle7]

^^^ this. Although I understand you felt like you thought you both put things behind you and felt like it was sort of the right time to propose; I still feel like you proposed conveniently at a time when things were spiraling down. Once you lose a person's trust, it will be extremely difficult to get it back. The fact that you continue to prolong and have friendly interactions (because its just who you are) with the woman you almost slept with and have a crush/attraction on will just continue the issue, and your fiancee will eventually crack and leave.

 

Your fiancee's actions are quite nuts, but it all began once you made the mistake on telling her that you have a crush on your co-worker, you look at her photos, bluntly said that "she isn't wife material" and still justify your actions. If your co-worker was actually "wife material" something tells me that you probably would've replaced your current fiancee with her; which is something your fiancee must be thinking as well, and also previous commentators on here.

 

I'm going to be straight-forward here. She doesn't trust you, and more and likely, you won't ever get that trust back. Changing jobs won't fix the issue because eventually she will get the fear that you will find another woman to have a crush on and possibly have an affair with. Its an never-ending cycle.

 

The relationship is doomed. Without trust, the relationship will soon reach it's expiration date.

[abitbroken]

I'm going to be straight-forward here. She doesn't trust you, and more and likely, you won't ever get that trust back. Changing jobs won't fix the issue because eventually she will get the fear that you will find another woman to have a crush on and possibly have an affair with. Its an never-ending cycle.

 

The relationship is doomed. Without trust, the relationship will soon reach it's expiration date.

 

The difference between a couple that survives a wandering and eye and who doesn't has a lot to do with the contriteness of the wanderer. If you were truly gutted by your actions, believed that you were truly wrong instead of blaming your fiance's demanding school schedule, blaming matchmaking coworkers, "explaining" your attraction AND dismissing it by saying "you just stopped talking to her" or "your interest faded", you would have a chance. But you don't think ANYTHING you did or thought was in the wrong. People who are truly, truly sorry will drop the object of desire like a rock and make radical changes rather than acting like a person that things just happen to in life.

 

That being said....about the snooping..

 

Normally, I disagree with snooping, but this woman is about to make the BIGGEST MISTAKE or BEST DECISION in her life if you guys follow through with the wedding. If I were in her shoes where I would be tempted to snoop so that I could either clear your name or that I could prevent myself from a future divorce. If you told her that you only had eyes for her, and there was no communication with this woman, she would breathe a sigh of relief and sleep well at night, but she had to know. She was maybe hoping it wasn't true. But she needed to know 100% for sure.

 

What she did to confront the coworker but sort of chickened out was what a wife would do to confront a mistress or a girlfriend would do to confront a two timer. I shouldn't have said chickened out - but she thought better of it because she may not have known what she would have done to that woman.

 

At any rate, I don't think you've learned anything. I think you are relieved to hear someone say that changing jobs won't help because you don't want to change at all.

The best thing you can do is end it, go to counseling, etc because you will be doomed to repeat the same thing in the next relationship.

[Unreasonable]

Eh, yes the trust is broken. And I believe any time she's feeling insecure she's gonna go through your phone/computer/whatever every chance she gets. Yes, it was your fault the trust is broken, BUT, do you really want her invading your privacy all the time?

 

Move on, cut your losses. And don't break trust again.