My Issues with Girlfriend Drinking

[DarkBlue82]

Should her occassional overindulgence when drinking at an event bother me? I don't drink myself so maybe that is why it bothers me, however I feel very uncomfortable and unhappy when she goes beyond drunk in control to 'smashed' out of control.

 

I have confronted her and ask why does she need to go overboard as it worries me a) about her health, b) she is trying to quit smoking with an elight but when drunk she smokes cigarettes which upsets me, c) she acts in a way that I find uncomfortable and looks unrecognizeable to the woman I want to be with.

 

Her response is that it only happens occassionally, she can do what she likes, and I dont think she understands I am just looking out for her.

 

Anyone been in a similiar position?

[j.man]

"Anyone been in a similiar position?"

 

Not me because I don't date women who are incompatible with me. If you want to drink a non-smoker and someone who doesn't drink in excess, find that woman.

[DarkBlue82]

Thanks but she is mostly compatible, we have lots in common no one is perfect, relationships have issues and she is worth fighting for.

[ThatwasThen]

You have nothing that is important in common. You don't drink, she's a partier.

she acts in a way that I find uncomfortable and looks unrecognizeable to the woman I want to be with.

She is NOT the woman you want to be with. Sadly you can't see that.

 

She's not changing into who you want her to be so what are you going to do about that?

[Scoe141]

Thanks but she is mostly compatible,

 

I believe the keyword here is "mostly". A drinking problem can create a HOST of problems. You can start with ignorance and end with infidelity.

 

Her response is that it only happens occassionally, she can do what she likes,

 

Well it sounds like she's going to what she wants, regardless of how it makes you feel.

 

I would move on.

 

You don't need this headache. Because I can guarantee you, if she doesn't get help then you're in for a world of hurt.

 

I don't mean to be crass, but you don't deserve to feel insecure or unsafe in a relationship. It doesn't matter how many other common traits you share. This woman's drinking and attitude towards it sounds like a deal breaker.

 

Best of luck.

[j.man]

Thanks but she is mostly compatible, we have lots in common no one is perfect, relationships have issues and she is worth fighting for.

No, she's not "worth fighting for." She's "worth fighting her for."

 

The woman wants to get blitzed on occasion. She also happens to enjoy a cigarette when she does. You either take it or leave it.

 

she acts in a way that I find uncomfortable and looks unrecognizeable to the woman I want to be with.

So who do you want? Her? Or this woman whom she apparently doesn't resemble? You inquired in a previous thread about what would be considered controlling. Your "confronting" is just that.

[jujusamples]

Thanks but she is mostly compatible, we have lots in common no one is perfect, relationships have issues and she is worth fighting for.

 

You are not compatible. You WANT her to be a certain way! Well, she's not and you are upset. If you were to date someone whom doesn't smoke or drink, would you have this problem? I think it's a bigger issue than you think. You can't control what she does, and it will just be a never ending fight between you two. It different if you could accept her habits, but you clearly can't. A healthy relationship has a lot to do with acceptances and compatibility. I'm pretty sure you share common interest, but you are not compatible in other aspects. i.e. smoking and drinking.

 

Just by that last line; "no one is perfect", to me in your eyes, smoking and drinking is a major flaw, where to other people, it's no big deal. Just give it some thought. Just saying!

[DarkBlue82]

I care about her and value all the things we have in common. She says I dont deserve her at her best if I cant take her at her worst. All I asked of her is if she could take better care of herself when she does drink. Is a relationship not about comprimises and accepting faults aswell as enjoying the good parts. No one is perfect but I suppose i wouldnt be on this forum if it didnt bother me so much. Thanks for your advice.

[Hermes]

Depends what the compromises are, DB. Sure, people have faults, like leaving their socks on the floor, or the lid off the shampoo bottle. What you describe is different and far more radical. This isn't about "no one is perfect".

This binge drinking on those "occasions" does and will escalate.

 

You have asked this time and again on other threads and got very good advice. I'll repeat what all the others have said. Find someone who is compatible.

[jennydanielle7]

This sort of issue will rise up again, and you will be put back into this position again. You cannot change a person, and I learned that from my last relationship.

 

I ended things with my ex because of a compatibility issue that my ex wasn't willing to compromise or change; and it lead to a lot of resentment and mistrust. But then I realized, I couldn't change my ex, it's impossible- what you see is what you get. I decided I had enough, go my own way, and focus on myself. Once I put myself on the field again; the major thing I want is for the other person to be as compatible as I am.

 

A good relationship is two whole people who share the same values, morals, and points of view in life. Interests and common grounds is also a great one, but you must have shared values and morals to make a relationship work; otherwise, you will be ripping your hair off your head and go nuts.

 

Yes, no one is perfect. But remember this, patience and trust can only go so far.

[Matt3939]

Drinking and smoking are hard issues they don't change unless the person doing them wants to change. She sounds like she is fine with what she does. I've dealt with both. No way I could deal with another smoker. Good luck in your decision.

[melangey]

mostly compatible

 

Then why are you posting? It sounds like she doesn't respect you. I dated a guy once who didn't drink. I rarely do, so I was happy not doing it. My skin cleared up and I lost weight. I might have changed for him, but it wasn't like he was asking me to cut off my left arm. It really sounds like you're blinded by this girl and that's understandable... but it sounds like she's got a LOT of issues and you shouldn't be her therapist.

[jujusamples]

I care about her and value all the things we have in common. She says I dont deserve her at her best if I cant take her at her worst. All I asked of her is if she could take better care of herself when she does drink. Is a relationship not about comprimises and accepting faults aswell as enjoying the good parts. No one is perfect but I suppose i wouldnt be on this forum if it didnt bother me so much. Thanks for your advice.

 

That's the issue, it's about accepting each other's faults, you are not acceptable to her binge drinking! While others out there is perfectly fine with it, they wouldn't think it's a big deal. Like myself, it bothers me if a person drinks every single day, but it doesn't bother me if they do it once in a while. If they happened to get hammered, then that so be it, I would be worried on how they would get home and etc... but it wouldn't bother me in a sense where I would want them to stop. To me, it's okay to let loose once in a while.

 

I do understand that it bothers you because you don't drink. That's why we say you are not compatible. I do know a couple where the guy didn't drink and the woman drinks (once in a while) and it didn't bother him, so it works. It all comes down to when you want your SO to change how they are is when it's an issue. She would have to WANT to change on her own terms in order for it to work.

[Ms Darcy]

Thanks but she is mostly compatible, we have lots in common no one is perfect, relationships have issues and she is worth fighting for.

 

Incompatibility on an important issue is incompatibility overall. "Fighting for" sounds like you want to argue and confront her into conforming to your values. Not gonna work.

[Ms Darcy]

 

You have asked this time and again on other threads and got very good advice. I'll repeat what all the others have said. Find someone who is compatible.

 

Ugghh I hate when posters do this. It's like they aren't interested in advice.

[jujusamples]

Ugghh I hate when posters do this. It's like they aren't interested in advice.

 

I think they are more interested in getting what "they want to hear". That's why they re-post in separate threads hoping for different answers.

[Ms Darcy]

I think they are more interested in getting what "they want to hear". That's why they re-post in separate threads hoping for different answers.

 

Good point.

[westwardho18]

Thanks but she is mostly compatible, we have lots in common no one is perfect, relationships have issues and she is worth fighting for.

 

Get over it then you don't own or control her either you want her the way she is or you don't

[Zaphod]

If you want to drink a non-smoker.

 

I find smokers fit in the blender better.

[westwardho18]

Then why are you posting? It sounds like she doesn't respect you. I dated a guy once who didn't drink. I rarely do, so I was happy not doing it. My skin cleared up and I lost weight. I might have changed for him, but it wasn't like he was asking me to cut off my left arm. It really sounds like you're blinded by this girl and that's understandable... but it sounds like she's got a LOT of issues and you shouldn't be her therapist.

 

What she does what she wants from time to time ? That's not issues, thinking you have the right to control every aspect of a person is however an issue

[nutbrownhare]

Yes, I agree with everyone else; she is who she is, and either you find a way of coping with her behaviour - or leave the relationship and find someone compatible. Only you can decide what the dealbreakers are for you; nobody's telling you to change your habits, including not being happy with her smoking and drinking.

 

As I've said elsewhere, you cannot go into or maintain a relationship on the basis that the other person's going to change to suit you. Far from it - most people will NOT change in the face of pressure, and if they seem to, it will only be temporarily.

 

She's showing you very clearly who she is. Can you cope with that? If not, find someone else.