Help please. Is this a cause for concern? On the fence if this is acceptable.

[Lodan]

*****PLEASE READ THE WHOLE POST***** JUST WANT TO MAKE SURE EVERYONE GETS THE WHOLE STORY.

 

I have been dating my girlfriend for 3 months now. We have a great relationship and i have seen no red flags or cause for concern until recently.

 

Before we met my GF had been single for about 8 months. Her ex cheated on her and he was a loser in general.

 

3 days after she broke up with her ex she met a guy at a club. He asked for her number etc.. They went out on a date and things progressed quickly into a physical relationship from what I can gather. She told me that he was a distraction, someone she could go out with, have fun, hookup with, you get the point. Apparently he was a player, not someone she could really trust, that he was a liar, he had told her that he had cheated on exes before. She said that there was always games with him, like who was going to call and make plans. She said she never wanted a relationship with this guy. They would see

each other 2 days a week and she was fine with that and claims she didn't want more, apparently telling him at one point "I don't want a boyfriend"

 

Apparently he was charming, intelligent, good looking. But she didnt want a relationship at the time and either way she didn't find him to be relationship material.

 

She saw him for about a month and half at first (it ended because she was growing tired of seeing him) and then there was another period a few months after that she saw him a couple more times - Why would she start seeing him again if it ended the first time? The last time she saw him it was at a club, she went there to meet him and he was talking to another girl and then talking to her (back and forth.) She pretty much told him that she wasn't interested in playing his game.

 

Last week we had dinner reservations, i was waiting for her at her house. She got back from work (at a mall) and she seemed a little in outer space. I asked her what was up and she said we would discuss later. So we got to the restaurant and she said she had seen the guy she dated after she broke up with her ex at the mall with his new GF and she was just surprised. She said it got her thinking along the lines of "what was I doing with him," she then thought he was a rebound. Then she went on to say "Im so glad i met you", "Im lucky to be with you" , she was thinking about the period back to when she was single and apparently being appreciative of what she has now. Not sure if I buy this.

 

Apparently one of her initial reactions was "how does that guy even have a girlfriend." and when she saw his GF she thought that is the type of girl I would picture him with "a bimbo". This guy is a doctor and apparently he's the type of guy that likes to have a trophy by his side.

 

I just find all of this weird considering this guy was just a fling, someone she didn't date seriously. Why is she questioning why he has a girlfriend? Why was she so taken aback when she saw him at the mall. She saw him on her Lunch hour and then was home 4hrs later and she still seemed a little out of it. I personally wouldn't have gone into all this questioning or thinking around someone i wasn't serious about to begin with. She just said it was awkward turning around and seeing some guy you dated staring at you with his New GF. She said she avoided eye contact with him.

 

Is she questioning whether she made a bad judgment about him by saying "how does he have a GF" Is she thinking maybe she was wrong about this guy and he's not really a player? Is she regretting not giving this guy a chance or having a relationship with him? Did feelings she didn't think she had for him surface when she saw this guy, especially with his new GF? Is she jealous of this guys new GF?

 

Some girls are attracted to these player types, its like a challenge to see if they can get them to commit. Maybe this was the case with her and when she saw him with another girl it made her think that she failed or gave low self esteem?

 

A few days after all of this, she said to me "remember that guy I told you I dated and I said he was a liar, well I was right" (and she seemed proud). She told me that she came across this guys Facebook Profile in the friends you may know sections and she clicked on it to see if there were any pictures (essentially snooping). She said what she found strange was that when she was seeing/dating him, he told her he didnt have a facebook page, so when she saw it in the people you may know she was intrigued. She checked pictures of him and pictures of his new GF. She also wanted to see pics of his new GF to see if she good looking or not. She said its normal for girls to want to compare. She actually talked to me about this bothering me because she noticed I had googled search: Facebook snooping ex. I questioned her on this and she simply said its just curiosity and its normal, nothing to be worried about. So she clearly knew this bothered me, but despite this she went back to his profile again (not sure what the obsession is seeing as they are not even FB friends or are no longer in contact. I checked the internet history a she has gone back to his page 2 or 3 times in 6 days.

 

I know this is a lot of speculation, just not sure if im being paranoid or not, wondering what your opinions are?

[Wiseman2]

I agree. She's already offered way too much info about him. It sounds like she's still quite hung-up on him. She talks about him incessantly and is tracking him. Really, this budding relationship should be about you two not him.

she said she had seen the guy she dated after she broke up with her ex at the mall with his new GF and she was just surprised. Not sure if I buy this. Why was she so taken aback when she saw him at the mall.

[j.man]

Well, for certain, it's not "normal." I'd be highly suspicious of her side of the story as far as her being the one to tell him that she wanted no part of a relationship together and not considering him relationship material. Vindictive behavior typically indicates you were burned, not that you did the burning. With that, a few things here might lead me to chalk this one up as a loss:

 

1. The level of interest, regardless of the motivation

2. The diarrhea of the mouth. Volunteering so much information about a past partner, even if just a sexual one.

3. Treating you like a girlfriend to gossip with. Just a pet peeve of mine and a big turn-off.

 

Just not worth it to me. The first few months should be those most absent of drama. Sounds like it's already starting to build up.

[rosephase]

You are paranoid.

 

She looked at his Facebook, she isn't driving past his house at night.

 

Stop checking each other's search history's it's creepy.

[Lodan]

I agree. She's already offered way too much info about him. It sounds like she's still quite hung-up on him. She talks about him incessantly and is tracking him. Really, this budding relationship should be about you two not him.

 

She doesnt actually talk about him incessantly, he (and others) have come up when we discussed exes, people we dated.

[lostandhurt]

Time to talk to her. Ask her straight out why she is so interested in this guy since he meant nothing to her in the first place. Also remind her that talking about ex's in a new relationship is a no no.

 

Then ask her "Are you still hung up on that guy?" "If you are we should end this right now"

 

Don't let this go, you need to talk about it but don't accuse her of cheating or anything like that. Ask questions and listen and watch her reactions.

 

Either this will be put to rest or you will have to decide if you can continue seeing her with her almost obsession with this guy. It does seem to me like she feels as if she wasn't good enough to be his gf, only a booty call and now she is butt hurt over that realization.

 

Lost

 

PS Stop discussing ex's. No good comes from it...

[Lodan]

Time to talk to her. Ask her straight out why she is so interested in this guy since he meant nothing to her in the first place. Also remind her that talking about ex's in a new relationship is a no no.

 

Then ask her "Are you still hung up on that guy?" "If you are we should end this right now"

 

Don't let this go, you need to talk about it but don't accuse her of cheating or anything like that. Ask questions and listen and watch her reactions.

 

Either this will be put to rest or you will have to decide if you can continue seeing her with her almost obsession with this guy. It does seem to me like she feels as if she wasn't good enough to be his gf, only a booty call and now she is butt hurt over that realization.

 

Lost

 

PS Stop discussing ex's. No good comes from it...

 

She has explicitly told me that he was a rebound and a distraction and that she didnt want anymore (is this pride speaking? maybe), she continued seeing him because she knew nothing serious would come from it and that's what she wanted. She even mentioned that she had a One Night Stand with someone else when she was seeing this guy.

 

I just dont understand what the big deal was with seeing him and the new GF at the mall. It's just contrary to how someone would react if they didnt care.

[Wiseman2]

We're trying to tell you: She's not over him.

I just dont understand what the big deal was with seeing him and the new GF at the mall.

[DancingFool]

She has explicitly told me that he was a rebound and a distraction and that she didnt want anymore (is this pride speaking? maybe), she continued seeing him because she knew nothing serious would come from it and that's what she wanted. She even mentioned that she had a One Night Stand with someone else when she was seeing this guy.

 

I just dont understand what the big deal was with seeing him and the new GF at the mall. It's just contrary to how someone would react if they didnt care.

 

It's also known as having human curiosity and an ego. It's really not that abnormal for a girl to see an ex of sorts with an actual gf and wonder about who she is why she was deemed gf material. Curiosity and yeah, her ego might have been stung a little even if she didn't want more and doesn't want more. Realize that us womenz have huge egos and you menz are supposed to fall to your knees in our mere presence and when you don't.....or worse, have the balls to walk away, we'll certainly want to know wth?! A bit tongue in cheek here, but there is a lot truth to it.......

 

Anyway, since you have a history of discussing ex's, she probably didn't think much about the verbal diarrhea. If you can't handle that kind of a topic, maybe put an end to those kinds of discussions so you don't have to sit afterwards and sweat about it. Either she is treating you well or she isn't. Focus on what is actually in front of you and maybe make it a rule that she doesn't talk to you like you are one of the girls. It's clearly not good for you two. It's really not good in most relationships and will cause unnecessary issues where none actually exist.

[Lodan]

Another note: She has also said she never had any feelings for him (is that even possible considering they probably hooked up bunch of times) and they never even went out on a date. The extent of their relationship was meeting at a club or bar for drinks and then whatever.

[Liraele]

I kind of get the feeling that you are the problem in this equation, not her and not him.

 

It sounds to me like she's gone out of her way to assure you and has been up front about her encounters with him. It also sounds like you're maybe a bit insecure about her comparing you to him or something. Can't quite put my finger on it.

 

Either way, sounds to me like something you need to say "Hey, I'm uncomfortable about xxx, can we talk about it?" and have a reasonable convo with her about how you are feeling (meaning, not telling her what to do, that she needs to stay away from him, etc.) and see how she responds to that. Go from there.

[Wiseman2]

The 'then whatever' part can be very intense, hence the jealousy over the new gf.

The extent of their relationship was meeting at a club or bar for drinks and then whatever.

[Lodan]

The 'then whatever' part can be very intense, hence the jealousy over the new gf.

 

Can you elaborate your thoughts behind this. The time spanning between when she stopped seeing him and then met me was about 5 months. Surely this is enough time to get over a fling? And its not like she didn't meet other guys during that time, she actually dated a few others, some she saw 3 or 4 times and thereven was "whatever" involved there as well.

 

Just playing Devils advocate to make sure I have everything covered.

 

The way she explained it was that she had just been cheated on for the second time in a long term relationship and thought all guys were the same, she just didn't want anything serious, which is why she knew she could date this guy, because he was perfect for that.

[Wiseman2]

She had the hots for him and seeing him again, especially with someone else reactivated those feelings. Not saying love, saying hots.

[Lodan]

She had the hots for him and seeing him again, especially with someone else reactivated those feelings. Not saying love, saying hots.

 

So she had a crush on him? And felt that when she saw him. Obviously if that's the case, it's not ok.

[lostandhurt]

Okay let me spell it out for you.

 

She met this guy and was very attracted to him. He is a player type that is a doctor. Wait what? A doctor, attractive and knows how to work some women into doing what he wants?

 

They never went on a proper date because he never took her on one. All their dates were in bed. It was just sex for him but it wasn't just sex for her. Even after they stopped seeing each other she went back a few times for more sex. I doubt she fell for the guy but she certainly had feelings for him that she doesn't want to admit she had because then she would have to admit to being played.

 

Now she sees Mr. Doctor in the mall with a girl that looks like she could be his gf when in fact she is just one more conquest but she doesn't know it yet. Yes her ego was bruised and yes she is checking his fb and anything else she can find to try and see if he is now in a relationship.

 

To the guy she was nothing more than a fwb but despite your gf's proclamations to the contrary she had some sort of feelings for the guy or at least had hope something would come out of their time together.

 

Talk about boundaries in relationships, talk about bringing up ex's and also talk about trust, snooping and expectations. You both need to know where each of you stands on these things if you are going to last.

 

Time to let this go because it is obviously really getting to you.

 

Lost

[Lodan]

Okay let me spell it out for you.

 

She met this guy and was very attracted to him. He is a player type that is a doctor. Wait what? A doctor, attractive and knows how to work some women into doing what he wants?

 

They never went on a proper date because he never took her on one. All their dates were in bed. It was just sex for him but it wasn't just sex for her. Even after they stopped seeing each other she went back a few times for more sex. I doubt she fell for the guy but she certainly had feelings for him that she doesn't want to admit she had because then she would have to admit to being played.

 

Now she sees Mr. Doctor in the mall with a girl that looks like she could be his gf when in fact she is just one more conquest but she doesn't know it yet. Yes her ego was bruised and yes she is checking his fb and anything else she can find to try and see if he is now in a relationship.

 

To the guy she was nothing more than a fwb but despite your gf's proclamations to the contrary she had some sort of feelings for the guy or at least had hope something would come out of their time together.

 

Talk about boundaries in relationships, talk about bringing up ex's and also talk about trust, snooping and expectations. You both need to know where each of you stands on these things if you are going to last.

 

Time to let this go because it is obviously really getting to you.

 

Lost

 

But this wouldn't be grounds to end the relationship?

 

I don't want to seem shallow, but I don't need trouble in life nor do I need to commit to it. I would have no trouble finding a great women. I'm good looking, I'm a great guy, I have an amazing career and make a ton of money doing it (probably more than a doctor )

 

Just how concerned about this should I be?

[Wiseman2]

She talks about him a lot. She was taken aback when she saw him again. Yes, she still has the hots for him. Not that it's a threat to you, but she's still sort of obsessed with him.

So she had a crush on him? And felt that when she saw him. Obviously if that's the case, it's not ok.

[lostandhurt]

No no no don't end anything because of this.

 

ACCEPT that they had more than she wants to admit and it stung a little when she saw the guy with a new girl out on a date when she never got a date, just sex.

 

Both of you have a past but you can't live in them. Let this go, let her lick her wounded ego and she will be fine in a few days.

 

Take her out to a nice dinner and then home and rock her world and this guy will be nothing more than one more D-bag she once knew.

 

She is human just like all of us and reacts badly at times. Ever see a kid put down a toy because they are bored with it only to throw a fit when another child picks it up and starts playing with it? Same thing here just older kids.

 

Lost