Why do good boyfriends turn into horrible ex boyfriends?

[Sarahjb]

I was in a relationship with a guy who had good morals and it's what I liked most about him. He was the type that was always helping strangers going out of his way for people. He adored me and never stopped trying to make me happy and cheered me up when I was sad. He would go to my grandmothers house and help her with her garden and take my little brother to go see a movie while i was at work in his free time. He always told me how lucky he felt to have me and that I was out of his league. To be honest I thought he was a safe choice . He broke up with me suddenly which is fine people somtimes change there minds even if it does hurt. There was no bitterness in the break up he said really nice things about me and told me he'd always be here for me. I was heartbroken. After the break up he tried really hard to stay in my life and would still act really loving almost like he was still my boyfriend . We eventually met up and I told him that all this cummincation had to stop he had to make a choice either he was going to get back with me or let me go. He cried and said he couldn't lose me but was afraid to hurt me again basically talking bull. I said my goodbyes and went to walk away but he stoped me and said he couldn't let me go and agreed to work on things. We had a great day together and I ended up going back to his place and we slept together . The next day he was acting so distant and cold and when I left he texted me saying his head is messed up and he doesn't think he made the right decession. I was extremely annoyed and asked him why he couldn't tell me that yesterday and let me walk away with my dignity. I felt used and cheap and it was a big blow to my self esteem I cried the whole way home like a loser. A few days later he told me he had never wanted to get back together but hated seeing me upset that's why he did what he did and he was sorry and he said he was having sleepless nights because of the guilt and basically admitted to using me and had the nerve to say he still wanted me in his life. Obviously that was a really crappy thing what he did I just don't understand how someone who seemed like such a good person could do that to someone to claim to care for? How could you just use someone then throw them away like trash. I never expected this from him and now the idea of dating anyone else is so scary to me because people can put up a really good front and make you think they're a good person when they're not. I'm going to find it hard to trust

[catfeeder]

Why do good boyfriends turn into horrible ex boyfriends?

 

You don't need to turn that into a plural if you learn a good lesson ONE time. The key word in your question is 'Ex'. That means, once someone is an ex, leave him alone. You don't need to have a talk with him about quitting contact when you can just quit the contact. Discussions about it never go well.

 

Either someone is a good match for you, or he's not. If someone decides that he's not, take that at face value, skip all discussions about playing friendzies, leave all ultimatums off the table, and walk away. If the two of you were ever a 'meant to be' deal, you'll both meet again on higher ground someday, but you'll both need to grow to that place on your own.

 

Head high.

[Billie28]

You thought he was a safe choice.

 

The poor guy! Don't you think that the whole time he was bending over backwards that it was because he knew he was the "safe choice"!!!????

He tried too hard for someone who only saw him as a safe choice.

 

And now you feel used because of one night ? You have been using him for how long????

 

Sorry but stop playing the victim here. You clearly aren't.

[Sarahjb]

Yeah I thought he was a safe choice what's wrong with that? It doesn't mean I didn't love him and care about him I just felt safe like he would never hurt me compared to guys I'd usually go for.

[Sarahjb]

What I ment was I thought it would be safe to go for a guy who seemed really nice instead of the bad boy player type. Don't make me sound like a bad person. He doesn't feel used he only has great things to say about me and said I never did anything to be treated like that and that I'm the most caring person he knows.

[lam123]

Well... I thought similarly after that my first girlfriends broke up with me. Then kinda I understood that unfortunately that's how breakups work. There is no way to avoid the pain and despair.

Your ex does not seem that he has really changed. Seems to me that he cares for his actions and he also suffers. His mistake was to not be more emphatic in the breakup. He appears to be hesitated and so he makes you suffer most and even it is worse for him too.

[journeynow]

I think break ups bring up the emotional roller coaster in both parities. It is not logical, and neither are all the actions on both sides (because it's emotional, up and down and all around). Actions speak louder than words, and the action of breaking up trumps all others. If someone decides to break up the relationship, then it is at that point clearly Broken, and is not simply or easily or quickly repaired by some sweet words or a romp in the hay. So sorry, though, that you are going through this. A second break up can be more painful than the first.

[Clinton]

You thought he was a safe choice.

 

The poor guy! Don't you think that the whole time he was bending over backwards that it was because he knew he was the "safe choice"!!!????

He tried too hard for someone who only saw him as a safe choice.

 

And now you feel used because of one night ? You have been using him for how long????

 

Sorry but stop playing the victim here. You clearly aren't.

 

I would strenuously disagree with these comments. Nothing wrong with that being one of the reasons to be with someone. We all want to feel safe in our relationships and if we figure someone will stay with us long time that's a positive.

 

And I really don't see the OP playing the victim. She got crushed by a wishy washy boyfriend who couldn't make up his mind. He may have even used her for sex. Sounds like a douche to me.

[Clinton]

I think break ups bring up the emotional roller coaster in both parities. It is not logical, and neither are all the actions on both sides (because it's emotional, up and down and all around). Actions speak louder than words, and the action of breaking up trumps all others. If someone decides to break up the relationship, then it is at that point clearly Broken, and is not simply or easily or quickly repaired by some sweet words or a romp in the hay. So sorry, though, that you are going through this. A second break up can be more painful than the first.

 

Agree with this 100%

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately, that's why they are exes. Hopefully you have blocked him and gone no contact so he can't string you along for sex. There's no reason to distrust anyone, break-ups happen and they never feel good. What he did was particularly sleazy but it's a lesson in when it's over, it's over

We had a great day together and I ended up going back to his place and we slept together.A few days later he told me he had never wanted to get back together

[ParisPaulette]

First, he didn't go from being a good guy to suddenly a bad one. The problem is he didn't have the cajones to just make a clean break of it, so he did the wrong thing in continuing to stay around you. And he acted like he did after he slept with you, because he felt trapped. "Oh gosh, here I am trying to get free, trying to do the right thing, and now this. How do I handle this?"

 

And no, he doesn't know how to handle it. He's done the classic "nice guy or nice girl" thing of "I don't want to hurt someone I care about, so I'm going to put them above me and swallow my words and pretend it's all okay."

 

And no, it's not all okay or he wouldn't have broken up with you in the first place. And unfortunately he thought by hanging around he could simply wait out and or "ease" all of the bad feelings and emotions that come with a breakup from both people. And life just doesn't work like that.

 

"Letting someone down easy" usually just makes things far, far worse than a simple clean break. "We are no longer a good match, I'm breaking up with you, we need to go contact until we each heal." The problem is it usually takes some time and experience for people to learn that is actually the far kinder, nicer thing to do. And people do fall out of love for a variety of reasons, often over things they cannot consciously explain even to themselves. It happens, it's happened here.

 

He doesn't know how to get free and you don't know how to fully let go. And for each of your sakes you both need to go NC, to focus on your own feeling, to realize there will be guilt and pain on both sides. And that's okay and it's part of the healing process even.

 

He hasn't changed, you haven't changed, you're two people who simply in the long run are not meant to be together and each of you thinks you can stay in touch and be friends and suddenly make this all about being best friends. And you can't. It just doesn't work, ever.

 

If he's not strong enough to let you then you have to be. Tell him you need to go NC fully, to heal and recover, and maybe in some future you two can be friends when there are zero romantic or guilt or any other type of feelings or emotions besides friendship in the mix. Then you block and delete him, you grieve the end of the relationship, you cry, you move on.

 

AND you let yourself heal fully, do not race out to slot in the next warm body as an escape. You shouldn't even be worrying about your next relationship at this stage. You have a full life to get to first, you need to heal and get free and enough clarity to figure out what went wrong, what you want out of a relationship and life itself first, to learn to be your own source of happiness and independence.

 

After all that you can then focus on finding someone to share your life, not be your life, but share it. But right now you start by cleanly ending this last relationship and starting the healing process. And come here if you need to vent or ask for advice, we've pretty much all been through one type of a breakup or another. We're here to help and listen. Good luck.

[Sarahjb]

Thank you that does make a lot of sense I guess he just fell out of love and tried to do what he thought was best

[Sarahjb]

One thing I don't understand is that if he really fell out of love why would he act so affectionate with me. Somtimes he would call me 'my girl' when I told him I was going to an event he told me that he will habe spy's there if other guys start talking to me (he was joking but still). He told me if I ever get a new boyfriend I should block him from everywhere because he never wants to see that. I forgot to mention we met up a week before that (we didn't sleep together this time) we were meeting up as friends but he went to kiss me first and he was acting really affection ate. Holding my hand then kissing it. Looking at me with puppy dog eyes. Then a few days later texting me to say he misses me and he can't stop smelling the perfume I left at his place because it reminds him of me. Talk about mixed signals

[Sarahjb]

First, he didn't go from being a good guy to suddenly a bad one. The problem is he didn't have the cajones to just make a clean break of it, so he did the wrong thing in continuing to stay around you. And he acted like he did after he slept with you, because he felt trapped. "Oh gosh, here I am trying to get free, trying to do the right thing, and now this. How do I handle this?"

 

And no, he doesn't know how to handle it. He's done the classic "nice guy or nice girl" thing of "I don't want to hurt someone I care about, so I'm going to put them above me and swallow my words and pretend it's all okay."

 

And no, it's not all okay or he wouldn't have broken up with you in the first place. And unfortunately he thought by hanging around he could simply wait out and or "ease" all of the bad feelings and emotions that come with a breakup from both people. And life just doesn't work like that.

 

"Letting someone down easy" usually just makes things far, far worse than a simple clean break. "We are no longer a good match, I'm breaking up with you, we need to go contact until we each heal." The problem is it usually takes some time and experience for people to learn that is actually the far kinder, nicer thing to do. And people do fall out of love for a variety of reasons, often over things they cannot consciously explain even to themselves. It happens, it's happened here.

 

He doesn't know how to get free and you don't know how to fully let go. And for each of your sakes you both need to go NC, to focus on your own feeling, to realize there will be guilt and pain on both sides. And that's okay and it's part of the healing process even.

 

He hasn't changed, you haven't changed, you're two people who simply in the long run are not meant to be together and each of you thinks you can stay in touch and be friends and suddenly make this all about being best friends. And you can't. It just doesn't work, ever.

 

If he's not strong enough to let you then you have to be. Tell him you need to go NC fully, to heal and recover, and maybe in some future you two can be friends when there are zero romantic or guilt or any other type of feelings or emotions besides friendship in the mix. Then you block and delete him, you grieve the end of the relationship, you cry, you move on.

 

AND you let yourself heal fully, do not race out to slot in the next warm body as an escape. You shouldn't even be worrying about your next relationship at this stage. You have a full life to get to first, you need to heal and get free and enough clarity to figure out what went wrong, what you want out of a relationship and life itself first, to learn to be your own source of happiness and independence.

 

After all that you can then focus on finding someone to share your life, not be your life, but share it. But right now you start by cleanly ending this last relationship and starting the healing process. And come here if you need to vent or ask for advice, we've pretty much all been through one type of a breakup or another. We're here to help and listen. Good luck.

 

One thing I don't understand is that if he really fell out of love why would he act so affectionate with me. Somtimes he would call me 'my girl' when I told him I was going to an event he told me that he will have spy's there making sure I'm not with other guys (he was joking but still). He told me if I ever have a new boyfriend I should block him from everywhere because he never wants to see that. I forgot to mention met up the week before aswell. (We didn't sleep together that time). But he was acting so affectionate. Holding my hand and putting it against his cheek and kissing it. He went to kiss me first I wasn't even going to go there. A few days later he text me saying he misses me and he can't stop smelling the perfume I left at his place because it reminds him of me. The following week when we slept together he told me that sex was different with me than it was with anyone else because it ment something. He told me hes still so attracted to me to. Why would he give so many mixed signals? He told me he feels great when we're together but he's afraid of we got back together he would start having doubts again the way he did before

[Wiseman2]

Even though he ended it, he still fancies himself a Casanova, that women swoon over.

we were meeting up as friends but he went to kiss me first and he was acting really affection ate. Holding my hand then kissing it.

[ParisPaulette]

One thing I don't understand is that if he really fell out of love why would he act so affectionate with me.

 

Because he still cared and even now does care about you, because we don't always think or change how we act or treat people. And likely most of all, because a part of him hoped and prayed if he did that he'd fall in love with you again. Boom, problem solved, like now you could both go back to how it was in a happier, simpler time.

 

And I know all this because my ex-husband and I went through it. We wanted and tried for a long time to stay together, to fall in love again, simply because it would have been so much easier, so much nicer.

 

But in the end we simply could not make things work and yes when we tried to stay "friends" things got very confusing, it was so hard to be around each other and not act like spouses, because we really kind of didn't know how else to act. And we really only moved on once we let each other go in all ways, but those involving our kids.

 

That's why I'm saying I don't see any wrong or right here, I see two people struggling over a breakup and how to move to the next stage of your lives.

 

It hurts, but you will both get there. Letting go often gets you both out of the dark woods so to speak much faster.

 

He cares about you, but it's not enough to stay with you, and I know it doesn't feel like it right now. But some day you're going to thank that man for having the courage to end things. And now you each need to have the courage to let the other go to move forward.

[Ms Darcy]

I agree with Paris that he cares about you but not enough anymore. Both of you seem like good people who are confused and hurting. I hope you feel better soon.

[DancingFool]

They don't turn bad, it just sounds like you don't make a clean break when things are over but rather keep dragging the break out, whether you realize it or not. So, think of it this way - when someone dumps you, they lose the privilege of your friendship and companionship. That's the consequence of breaking up. So do yourself a favor and just say to yourself that you don't want someone who doesn't want you and go straight to no contact. So what if they want to talk to you or be friends or pretend like the break up didn't happen and still act like a bf even though you are no longer together. Spare yourself the pain and the confusion of all that and just shut them out. Heal, move on. The healing is shorter and faster when you do that and you will keep your dignity too. Which helps. Also helps in that you won't feel the way you do now - confused and a tad bitter about a good guy gone bad. Go no contact in the future. That way also, at some you both may be able to be friends or be perfectly happy and civil toward each other should your paths cross again for any reason precisely because your break up was kept clean and neat - no back and forth, no sex after break up, no resentments, confusion or bitterness.

[HeartGoesOn]

You can sit there for days trying to analyze every word, every move, etc, yet the only part of this that holds water is, he broke up with you and he's an ex.

 

I'm sorry for your pain, yet when all is said and done, you'll still land on your feet.