Long lost love love-child coming back into my dad's life. What to do.

[Unreasonable]

So I found out yesterday I have a younger half-sister due to an affair early on in my parent's marriage. I don't know everything, but what I do know is pretty awful. My mom, who is a wreck right now, told me about it.

 

So decades ago, my dad met this woman at church, the started having an affair, then he suggested his mistress befriend my mom so they could have a reason to hang out together more. This affair went on for several years without anyone being the wiser (I presume even the mistresses' husband). I was playmates with this girl and her sisters and didn't even know she was related to me. Eventually it got found out and we ended up moving out of state, WAY out of state. Due to some overheard fights, I found out about the affair as a child, but nobody knew that I knew. Lets just say this whole thing crushed my mom who is an absolutely wonderful person and didn't deserve this. Nevertheless, he decided to try to make the marriage work and decades later they are still married. My dad is now quite elderly.

 

However, the youngest daughter of the mistress somehow figured out she was not her fathers biological child (I believe her father and mother have been divorced for some time, I think her dad might be sick). She then did some digging to try to find out how to get a hold of my dad, and did. She asked him if she could be her father and he said yes. The only reason I can imagine him not questioning the paternity is is must have been pretty damn obvious at the time to the mother, and she concealed it. I think my dad has known all along.

 

So my half-sister is now sending gushing letters to my dad, thanking him for the gifts he gave her like her beautiful brown eyes, personality, etc, showing her pictures of her own children.

 

Now, I don't know this girls motives, and I do not wish to automatically cast her as a villain. However, this whole thing has reignited a whole bunch of hurt for my mom, who didn't know about this kid. I am very very angry at my dad, but my mom has requested that i not let on that I know. Not yet. My mom wants nothing to do with these people, and she has said, to me, that if he tries to fly back and see her she's going to take him for all he has and tell him he's not welcome back. In the meantime, whe wants me to be extra nice so he feels that me and my family is all he needs. I'm not really feeling in the mood to be nice to in light of all this. I also don't think we are going to alleviate his guilt.

 

Now, again, I do not want to cast this woman who I don't know as a villain, but if it comes between my mom and dad, I will pick my mom to support every time, 100%. I also do not really view him as her "father", but rather a sperm donor that he had nothing to do with for decades and allowed to be raised by another man, a man I consider her real father. Nevertheless, being an only child, the idea that I share blood with a half-sister, and a younger one at that, I can't help but feel a draw to know more about her.

 

I just want to know what people think about this and how they think I should act as a son and new half-brother in this situation.

[Clinton]

This is your father and mothers concern, not yours. If they come to an agreement about how they will deal with her and you want to, you can try and forge a relationship with her at that time. Till then, stay out of it.

[Unreasonable]

If this was nothing but an affair, I would agree that this is their concern and I should stay out of it. However, given the fact that I have a half sister I never knew about, I do think it is very much my concern. I'm a full grown adult.

[Wiseman2]

Agree. her motives may be unclear. perhaps one of her parents are ill or she has kids now or her own medical issues etc. It doesn't sound like she's looking for a close daddy type relationship...just curious where she comes from biologically. Let your father handle it, he's the one with the guilt. Try not to echo your mother's hurt/rage.

 

You must have your own curiosities but you don't have to be 'sisters' or befriend her, if you don't feel right about it.

the idea that I share blood with a half-sister, and a younger one at that, I can't help but feel a draw to know more about her

[Clinton]

If this was nothing but an affair, I would agree that this is their concern and I should stay out of it. However, given the fact that I have a half sister I never knew about, I do think it is very much my concern. I'm a full grown adult.

 

Details always help. So you're an adult and not a dependant living at home. Up to you how you want to proceed as to forging a relationship with her. But it is still your Mom and Dads business as to how they want to approach this, not yours.

[ParisPaulette]

Let your mom and dad handle it, but stay in your mom's corner. Do what she says about it and let them ride it out.

 

It sounds like your mom has a plan, she deserves your support, it's really all you can do.

 

Support your mom, avoid your dad as much as you can, if asked maybe you and your mom can agree to simply say you're going through something heavy right now and will talk when the time when you feel like it (the truth.)

 

I've been there although thank heavens my dad's love child never showed up on our doorstep. And I know as much as you want to run in swinging on this, don't. It needs to be sorted between your mom and dad, it's their relationship, let them sort it out.

 

Continue to love your mom and support her, sort out your feelings for your dad with someone neutral since he is still your father, and simply let your mom know she's got you in her corner.

 

Man, does this bring back some bad memories. And this is why parents do so much damage when they have affairs, ones they are always convinced the kids know nothing about. The kids nearly always know, kids aren't stupid.

 

Do your best, keep your head down. Try to let them sort it out, at some point though you will have to let your dad know you know and all I can tell you there is try and make it all work in your mom's favor. I'm sorry you're going through this, you have my deepest sympathy.

[nayla]

Wow that's sad! Well I try to look at things in different ways, in everyone's shoes. Try putting your self in her shoes, be her, and how would you feel about any of this? what would you do? She's just natural curious about him and probably you. She didn't ask to be born so nobody should disrespect mistreat her as nothing is her fault it's her birth right to know and have a relationship. Maybe it's not your fathers complete fault for avoiding his responsibility to her it could been your moms which isn't right, of course he's an adult it was/is his responsibility to his daughter no matter what anyone feels. It didn't seem like a one time or two time rung to me and it wasn't right, disgusting that your dad wanted the two ladies to become friends and his kids play together and not even know they were related..... I think it's ok for your feelings to be curious of who she is, done punish your self for that it's your right too your mom doesn't have to know you don't have to become close. She could be feeling hurt and a shamed and maybe more.

I don't have any siblings at all as my father past away when I was small, so having even a half-sibling is better then nothing. If your dad abandon her then I dough her mom would want him back even if she was married, your dad still had responsibility. It's better to know you family medical history then not knowing, sometimes knowing a blood relatives can safe a life. If she don't get to know him (and you) then it's as if she's alone in life accept for her mom and kids and husband (who's not blood related). Also sound like maybe she's happy to now know where she got brown eyes from and maybe has more questions about her or her kids like who she or they take after...as for your mom of course she's be hurt and even more now, for so many reasons. But she shouldn't disrespect his daughter it wasn't her fault and shouldn't try to keep them two apart. Seems like your dad gets away with it. I wouldn't want to be apart of any of it probably nobody here would. Also I wouldn't want my dad/husband to be just a sperm donor, he'd have to man up take responsibility. Ask for a paternity test for prove no harm in that. Also I think it's business between your parents not yours but he did cheat on her and the family, but your parents are to handle that all. Everyone does things for a reason some don't know why some do and some could have more hidden reasons then they know. This all would bring up bad feelings and memories for your mom but she must deal with them with your dad and eventual close that chapter so it don't eat her life away. Siding wouldn't help I guess. But it would make cents and of course side with your mom but even you may never know all the reasons. Seems like he wanted two families two ladies, since he wanted to keep it going and them to become friends so he could see her more, I guess that means more then just sex. But wonder about her that lady what was she even thinking omg. She's in the wrong too cause she kept at it and maybe didn't say anything and let him disappear out of her daughters life then not let her husband and child know, imagine holding all that for many years and even your dad, then you and your mom also not even knowing. A lot of victims just for what. But the biggest victim is that daughter cause she's younger and must go on her life with all this and her children too but glad she knows now her dad wasn't her father he just raised her cause someone else wouldn't even help or try. Also that she finally got to meet or hear her real fathers voice. Not knowing anything is bad but knowing somethings is better but knowing and seeing everything is best but can hurt at first... Sorry I went on and on, trying to think of it all as I see it....

It will work out eventually!

[melancholy123]

I think you should "act" however seems appropriate to you. What we here think you should do is not necessarily the right thing for you. You want to know this girl, then get to know her. I understand your curiosity about her. Tough position for you to be in. Definitely be in your mom's corner.

[abitbroken]

The man who raised this girl is her daddy, even if they are not biologically related. She could be reaching out to your dad (her biological father) because her dad is dying. Also, you have no idea what its like to grow up feeling different - to feel you were adopted but yet have proof of your mom carrying you (photos of her pregnancy and your cradle photo, etc) - and then you end up not looking like dad or mom. That's not me, but a friend had that.

 

This girl is innocent in this matter. She was the girl you played with as a kid and has no fault in this situation. her motive is most likely to have a father as she is losing hers, and perhaps set to rest her identity.

 

Does your mom feel that he is going to go back to the young woman's mother? is that what she is worried about?

[adna]

So I found out yesterday I have a younger half-sister due to an affair early on in my parent's marriage. I don't know everything, but what I do know is pretty awful. My mom, who is a wreck right now, told me about it.

 

So decades ago, my dad met this woman at church, the started having an affair, then he suggested his mistress befriend my mom so they could have a reason to hang out together more. This affair went on for several years without anyone being the wiser (I presume even the mistresses' husband). I was playmates with this girl and her sisters and didn't even know she was related to me. Eventually it got found out and we ended up moving out of state, WAY out of state. Due to some overheard fights, I found out about the affair as a child, but nobody knew that I knew. Lets just say this whole thing crushed my mom who is an absolutely wonderful person and didn't deserve this. Nevertheless, he decided to try to make the marriage work and decades later they are still married. My dad is now quite elderly.

 

However, the youngest daughter of the mistress somehow figured out she was not her fathers biological child (I believe her father and mother have been divorced for some time, I think her dad might be sick). She then did some digging to try to find out how to get a hold of my dad, and did. She asked him if she could be her father and he said yes. The only reason I can imagine him not questioning the paternity is is must have been pretty damn obvious at the time to the mother, and she concealed it. I think my dad has known all along.

 

So my half-sister is now sending gushing letters to my dad, thanking him for the gifts he gave her like her beautiful brown eyes, personality, etc, showing her pictures of her own children.

 

Now, I don't know this girls motives, and I do not wish to automatically cast her as a villain. However, this whole thing has reignited a whole bunch of hurt for my mom, who didn't know about this kid. I am very very angry at my dad, but my mom has requested that i not let on that I know. Not yet. My mom wants nothing to do with these people, and she has said, to me, that if he tries to fly back and see her she's going to take him for all he has and tell him he's not welcome back. In the meantime, whe wants me to be extra nice so he feels that me and my family is all he needs. I'm not really feeling in the mood to be nice to in light of all this. I also don't think we are going to alleviate his guilt.

 

Now, again, I do not want to cast this woman who I don't know as a villain, but if it comes between my mom and dad, I will pick my mom to support every time, 100%. I also do not really view him as her "father", but rather a sperm donor that he had nothing to do with for decades and allowed to be raised by another man, a man I consider her real father. Nevertheless, being an only child, the idea that I share blood with a half-sister, and a younger one at that, I can't help but feel a draw to know more about her.

 

I just want to know what people think about this and how they think I should act as a son and new half-brother in this situation.

 

How did she even forgive such a betreyal'? what does your father say is he willing to go there and visit them

[Unreasonable]

Update: She's now coming over in early august. I think this is a much better idea than him trying to go over there, he is kind of feeble at his age, and this would prevent him possibly meeting his old flame.

 

He'res the thing: My mom is okay with me coming over to visit and meet her. But it would be under a pretense that she is coming over as a family friend or perhaps a long-lost relative. My dad absolutely does not want me or my family to know about her real identity. She is deathly afraid of him finding out I know through her. I'm thinking, maybe, this is going to be an attempt to "ease" me into the revelation that I already know about and have completely processed already, lol. If my dad told me about this, I don't know if I'm a good enough actor to look surprised.

 

I am tempted to go over and during the course of the get-together, ask some innocent but uncomfortable questions that would be difficult to answer on the spot. I mean, it's completely implausible that he would have a close relationship with someone even younger than me that I've never heard of after living out here for 16 years. It is also equally implausible that I would have a long-lost relative I've never heard of that would come over and visit. So I could have some fun with that. If I ask the right questions, I probably could later come up with some reason to finding out her identity with some digging on my own without my mom's involvement. It's so stupid, so soap-opera-ish, hah.

 

I admit, I want this to get out. I want him to have to account for what he did. He always gets away with everything. I want him to stop denying her her true identity, I think that's cruel on his part. I want him to feel the embarrassment I think he deserves. I don't care how old he is.

[Liraele]

If this was nothing but an affair, I would agree that this is their concern and I should stay out of it. However, given the fact that I have a half sister I never knew about, I do think it is very much my concern. I'm a full grown adult.

 

Here's my .02.

 

If you have a desire to get to know this girl, get to know her independently of what your parents decide. As you stated, you're an adult. You can befriend anyone you like.

 

Aside from that, you can provide emotional to support to your parents (your mum, particularly) while they deal with this event as a couple, but I don't think you should weigh in or take sides, so to speak. They are your parents, which gives you a particular type of bias toward the situation, and your expectations as their child may not be realistic for what the best solution is for them as a couple.

 

(ETA: I didn't see your most recent update before posting.

[Unreasonable]

Yeah, I'm going to get to know her, one way or the other. The thing is, I have to be very sensitive about this. My dad ABSOLUTELY cannot find out that I found out about her through my mom. This woman's a ghost on the internet, almost no digital footprint, I was only able to find out about her by stalking her family's facebook pages (she is not on social media, but her family has some pictures of her up there).

[Wiseman2]

Why pretend you don't know? Why play games? How does that serve you, if you are just curious about her existence? If you feel it is a long-lost child scam then confront that. Does you father admit to this? Does your mother know?

I am tempted to go over and during the course of the get-together, ask some innocent but uncomfortable questions that would be difficult to answer on the spot. It is also equally implausible that I would have a long-lost relative I've never heard of that would come over and visit

Read up on this topic: "Unfortunately there are a lot of people who like to get something for nothing and those who pop up as “long lost relatives” may well be attempting to pull off some sort of scam. If you are about to meet someone who claims to be a family member that you’ve never heard of, approach the situation with caution. Ask for and verify documents that might establish a family relationship, agree to meet this individual in a public place and withhold any personal or contact information about yourself until you get to know the individual better. If the individual asks for something inappropriate such as money, access to family assets or to see children, consider detailing the meeting to your solicitor or a police officer just to be on the safe side."

[Unreasonable]

Why pretend you don't know? Why play games? How does that serve you, if you are just curious about her existence? If you feel it is a long-lost child scam then confront that. Does you father admit to this? Does your mother know?

Yes, my mother knows, please read the OP. She's the one that told me. The reason I have to keep my knowledge under wraps is because my dad's an abusive @sshole and will take out his embarrassment on her if he finds out she told me. She's a doormat and would never leave him. She has literally begged me not to confront him on this, and given that she's the victim of his infidelities, I am going to respect her wishes.

Read up on this topic: "Unfortunately there are a lot of people who like to get something for nothing and those who pop up as “long lost relatives” may well be attempting to pull off some sort of scam. If you are about to meet someone who claims to be a family member that you’ve never heard of, approach the situation with caution. Ask for and verify documents that might establish a family relationship, agree to meet this individual in a public place and withhold any personal or contact information about yourself until you get to know the individual better. If the individual asks for something inappropriate such as money, access to family assets or to see children, consider detailing the meeting to your solicitor or a police officer just to be on the safe side."

This is no scam. I've seen her. She looks like him, and nothing like her other sisters. And her being her father's biological daughter is impossible (this was unearthed to her during a medical issue - although she should have known earlier since there is less than a 1% chance of a brown eyed child from two blue eyed parents). My dad has known about her since practically the beginning as well.

[Unreasonable]

Update: Well, we finally met, without any lies told or false pretenses of her background. She was shaking like a leaf when I first met her out of nervousness, we gave eachother a big hug and spent a whole day together. She is so sweet and I felt an immediate kinship, and our whole family was very welcoming which was a big relief to her. We of course had a lot of questions for eachother and it helped clear a lot of things up. The only issue is both my dad, and her mother deny knowing that she wasn't her father's biological child until her blood tests recently proved it and she told them. Neither she, nor I, believe that they didn't know. My mom said she knew and she's old and a little scatterbrained but I don't think sh's making it up.

 

It's really heartbreaking because I know how much it would mean to her that her biological father was watching over her as a little girl. We were both like, okay, so an affair is out in the open, a lovechild is out in the open, are we really going to quibble about the details?? C'mon!