I'm scared of my boyfriend being gay

[pineapple9090]

Hey, I am new here and I'm not a native speaker so I'm sorry in advance for mistakes.

 

My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost a year now and we live in a LDR. I'm sometimes scared that he might be gay, I wanna list why I have those thoughts here. He's 25 and I'm 22. He had a relationship before that lasted for 2 years.

 

- He doesn't care too much about Sex. He enjoys it but it's enough for him 2-3 times a week though we don't see each other often. I'm not really used to that cause other guys I had before wanted to have sex with me all day long, we never really did. He said he didn't care about sex too much, he cares about me more. But when we have sex he finishes really quickly. He then says he's so attracted to me that he can't hold it. But I read that this sometimes is a sign he isn't enjoying it too much..

- He never gets hit on by girls, but he's gotten hit on by gay dudes a lot. He told me about it then too. I just couldn't tell if it bothered him or if he was flattered. Just last night he went on a house party from his boss at work and he said he talked the whole night with a british dude who he thinks was gay...

- When we're out in public, he notices things about other guys rather than other girls. For example, a dude walks by and he says to me: cool shoes bro.. But I never caught him looking at other girls. But whenever I say: Did you see the girls short skirt? He has no Idea..He said it's because he loves me so why would he look at other guys?

- He loves it when I play with his ass.

- He says gay men aren't real men. And I read that a lot of guy people think so because they deny their sexuality.

- He doesn't usually watch porn, at least not since we've been together, he only looks at pictures that I sent him he says. Though it wouldn't bother me at all if he did.

- He goes out to bars almost every night with friends and stays there until late. Whatever guys do every day in a bar until early in the morning.. He also said he already met a lot of guys in bars which he became friends with.

 

 

 

I once went through his phone but I couldn't really find anything..

He only talks to guys, mostly connected with work..

 

To sum it up, what makes me insecure most is that he doesn't seem to be noticing other girls at all even though they are pretty. But he does look at other guys and he does notice salience about other guys.

 

I already confronted him with my fears and he said that I should calm down, he doesn't even want to think about having sex with another guy cause it would disgust him.

He grew up in a very conservative small town in N.C., but he had a few gay friends in college so he should be confident enough, right? I sometimes obsess over little things. I just can't help it. So I can't even follow my instincts. Cause they already misled me a lot..

I'm from Europe so maybe some of my points are really stereotypical and also a cultural thing..

 

I appreciate every answer.

Have a good day

[tina-rocks]

Hi! Welcome to ENA. You have asked him if he has sexual feeling toward other men and he said no. You said you also have a tendency to over act with certain things to. I think it is unusual for a relationship that is only about a year old to have a diminished sex life, but that's not to say some people just aren't very interested in sex and he maybe one of them. Having lots of male friends isn't anything to worry about, but if it is getting to you that much, if you are unhappy then you perhaps should address whether you want to continue with your relationship as it stands, as it is unlikely he is going to change, especially in terms of your intimacy together.

[SherrySher]

I don't think he's gay at all. Some men have lower sex drives than others and that's okay. You should be happy that he's not leering at other women or into porn or chatting up other women. I don't see the problem here. Maybe you know him better, but from what you described, he sounds straight to me.

[Wolfshook]

Maybe he finishes too fast and is affraid of dissapoinring you during sex so is ashamed of having sex more often.

 

And maybe he's not a looker. I've been asked once if I'm gay by my boss because I didnt turn behind every ass that went by us. I didnt do that because I like to be professional and not creep that turns around every girl that passes by.

[Seraphim]

- "He says gay men aren't real men. "

 

I would not be with him for that statement.

[Snny]

He doesn't care too much about Sex. He enjoys it but it's enough for him 2-3 times a week though we don't see each other often. I'm not really used to that cause other guys

Lack of sex or having a low libido doesn't make someone homosexual. Libidos vary upon any individual. And never compare your boyfriend to other guys.

 

He never gets hit on by girls, but he's gotten hit on by gay dudes a lot. He told me about it then too. I just couldn't tell if it bothered him or if he was flattered.

My own husband gets hit on by mostly gay dudes. He's like "whatever." How people flirt is beyond your boyfriend's control- unless he acts upon it.

 

When we're out in public, he notices things about other guys rather than other girls. For example, a dude walks by and he says to me: cool shoes bro.. But I never caught him looking at other girls

He's not a looker. My husband is the same way.

 

He loves it when I play with his ass

Anal play DOES NOT make a man gay. This seems very taboo in many societies, but there are straight men and married couples who do orgasm from this kind of foreplay.

 

He says gay men aren't real men. And I read that a lot of guy people think so because they deny their sexuality.

I'd question the source's liability. Plus this statement is labeling.

 

And saying gay men aren't masculine enough... Boy I would love him to say that to one of my friends who is a gym rat and is JACKED.

 

He doesn't usually watch porn, at least not since we've been together, he only looks at pictures that I sent him he says. Though it wouldn't bother me at all if he did.

Not everybody is into porn. Refusing to look at it doesn't emasculate a man despite what society wants us to believe.

 

He goes out to bars almost every night with friends and stays there until late. Whatever guys do every day in a bar until early in the morning.

There isn't anything out of the ordinary here. Now if it's a GAY BAR, then possibly... But to a bar, this isn't strong evidence.

 

 

You don't have enough evidence to prove his sexual preference here. But if you aren't happy with the relationship and your needs aren't being met by this person, then you need to dump him.

[Billie28]

Sex 2-3 times per week is more than most relationships.

 

The quality of sex is more important than the quantity. You seem to focus on the latter.

 

Most straight men love anal play.

 

He sounds like an a$$hole though and contradicting himself for having gay male friends yet deeming them not to be real men.

 

He might simply not comment or pretend to ignore other women if a previous ex had an issue with it.

 

Is he gay? I don't know.

 

Are you a lesbian for noticing the girls short skirt?

[Wiseman2]

It sounds like your sex life isn't that great with him, but that doesn't mean he's gay.

I already confronted him with my fears and he said that I should calm down, he doesn't even want to think about having sex with another guy cause it would disgust him

[j.man]

Most straight men love anal play.

Just spit water onto my screen, thanks.

[pineapple9090]

Thanks for your responses. Appreciate that a lot.

 

He wouldn't ever say that he doesn't think gay men are real men in front of his gay friends. He respects it. He even is close to 2 gay guys. He just talks the way like this with me. Though it's really funny that he hasn't gotten hit on by a girl ever, but it seems like he's sending out those special vibes (I've read about it in a magazine)

 

And yes 2-3 times might sound a lot, but we have a long distance relationship so we see each other like once a month for a week or so.. and I don't find it much.

And also he doesn't seem too interested in my vagina. Can I say that like this? He maybe licked me once or twice ever, I don't like it that much too. And he's hardly ever fingering me..

But that also is no obvious reason, you're right.

 

I obsess over things so easily, maybe it's just another freak out of mine.

I already talked with my friends about it and they also said some of my mentioned criteria are a bit weird but nothing's a final proof that he might be gay..

 

And it wouldn't worry you that he really isn't noticing any other girls but I see the way he looks at other guys is sometimes a bit..hm, shy..

 

 

@j.man : why does it surprise you? That's something most men wanted to do by the way.

 

He now is my first boyfriend but some other guys I had also wanted to try it.

[pineapple9090]

I already wrote an answer but it didn't go through? Is that because i might have used vulgar language?

 

Anyways. Thanks for your answers I really appreciate it.

 

He would never say this in front of his gay friends. He does have a bunch of gay friends and with one or two he is even really close with. I once read in a magazine though that gay people sending out "vibes" other gay guys might be able to feel.. Have you heard about this?

that's why I'm really surprised he's never gotten hit on by a girl..

 

And our sex is good. It's just not that passionate, but that might not only be his fault to be honest. Though he doesn't really seem too into my private parts.

 

 

What worries me most is still that he likes to look at other guys.. I don't know, I talked about it with my friends already and they said that this is weird too.. Like that only people that live in the closet did such things.. The answers I got when I talked about this with him was: "That's what guys do". Is it really what guys do? Do you do that too?

And: You learn a lot about the environment by looking at other people.. But it feels like he looks at them in a, hmm..shy way.

 

So you really think this shouldn't bother me?

I really get obsessed with topics sometimes and it's hard for me to calm down then..

[Wiseman2]

If he's gay why is he with you? It sounds like you need to work on this part as well as your relationship as a whole rather than look for red herrings regarding his lack of interest/attraction to you.

And our sex is good. It's just not that passionate, but that might not only be his fault to be honest. Though he doesn't really seem too into my private parts.

[pineapple9090]

I just read a lot about homosexual people that either didn't know they were gay (or better, tried to deny it by dating girls and telling themselves they don't like the same gender) or they just want to hide it.

It shocked me when I read for example that a married family father left his wife to live with another man. And then I asked myself: Has he always been gay or didn't he want other people to think he was gay?

 

I know I might sound really paranoid, but I sometimes really have doubts and it would be horrible if my partner left me for the same gender. Worse than for another girl

[Wiseman2]

Stop reading tabloids...lol and pay attention to your poor sexual life.

I just read a lot about homosexual people that either didn't know they were gay

[pineapple9090]

Oh that's what you meant. I don't worry about that, he really is attracted to me.. He said it very often and I can also tell. He just doesn't need sex this often.. thats what he said when I asked him if he wasn't attracted to me and didn't want to have sex.

[Wiseman2]

It's possible he's cheating but most likely with a woman.

He just doesn't need sex this often.. thats what he said when I asked him if he wasn't attracted to me and didn't want to have sex.

[pineapple9090]

No, I know that he's 100% loyal.

probably too loyal hehe.. I dont know. It's all a weird situation

[Billie28]

Just spit water onto my screen, thanks.

 

Lol! You are welcome!

[Wiseman2]

if you're not even sure he's straight how can you be sure of this?

No, I know that he's 100% loyal.

n

[pineapple9090]

Short update.

 

I was out yesterday and brave enough to talk about it again. He was talking about soccer players he doesn't like and he then called someone "a pretty boy" so at first I thought he liked his looking but he said that it's a saying in america..

 

Anyways, afterwards I asked him again why he only looks at other guys.. and he said he doesn't need to look at other girls anymore cause he has me.. and that he's competitive and compares himself to other guys..

 

Should I believe him this?

[IAmFCA]

Short update.

 

I was out yesterday and brave enough to talk about it again. He was talking about soccer players he doesn't like and he then called someone "a pretty boy" so at first I thought he liked his looking but he said that it's a saying in america..

 

Anyways, afterwards I asked him again why he only looks at other guys.. and he said he doesn't need to look at other girls anymore cause he has me.. and that he's competitive and compares himself to other guys..

 

Should I believe him this?

 

1. This conversation sheds no light on his sexual preference.

2. If he doesn't behave any differently than he does now, would you stay with him?

 

Also, if he is attracted to you as you say he is, he is not gay. Bi, maybe. You say the low level of passion might be due to your own participation. Make yourself more passionate, see what happens.

[Jibralta]

You're really beating yourself up over this. As IThinkICan said, that conversation wasn't about sexual preference at all, but you brought it there.

 

OP, I've had the same fear as you about my boyfriend. He's too good, so there must be something wrong that I can't fix. What could that be? He must be gay. Because that's something that I can't do anything about, being a woman.

 

Have you considered that perhaps you have a fear of abandonment (like me), and that it could be rearing its ugly head in this guise? Because there's really nothing here that overtly suggests that he's gay. He's not sneaking out on you or MIA for hours, is he?

[pineapple9090]

@IthinkIcan:

I don't really know what you mean with point 2..

And yes I feel like he is attracted to me.

But I can't help it. I still find it weird he looks at other guys.

 

and yes you're right Jibralta. I really am scared of losing him. He sometimes seems too perfect and then I try to find reasons why it might not be working. Just 2 weeks ago I obsessed over his work, saying that he has to find a job here so we don't have to live apart anymore and so on..

 

Also, I saw a documentary a few years ago about a family father who left his wife and kids to live with another man. The wife was so devastated, it really shocked me. And I couldn't ever compete with a guy, that really scares me..

 

I just don't know how to get over it. My boyfriend said he's really sad that I bring this topic up and up again. He can't do more than assuring me he's not into guys at all and I still keep going.