Help me with eloquency!

[SlightlyLost]

I've been living with my boyfriend for 8 months. We've gone through a ton of turmoil, specifically in regards to one woman, an old soulmate, in his life (in a nutshell: even though she's married and has been since before they met, he refused to delete dozens of naked photos of her, didn't tell me when they spoke, etc. - I gave him an ultimatum between her and I and he eventually chose me). She keeps contacting him, and though I ask him to tell her to stop (at least until him and I build our foundation of trust back up), he says that he's not encouraging her because he doesn't respond much anymore. I got frustrated by this because I'm of the opinion that being passive is just as bad as actively engaging with her; "keeping the door open" via not telling her to go away.

 

When I asked him again to tell her to stop contacting him, he said "OK, I'll tell her it makes you feel uncomfortable." I feel like in pointing the finger at me, it will stroke her ego, and take the responsibility away from him.. But he still doesn't want to say anything else. How can I convey go him that pinning it on me will do more harm than good? I'm at a loss for words.

[WithLove]

Anything other than stopping all contact and blocking her from communication is picking her, in this situation. He does little things to sooth your ruffled feathers, but he is not prepared to let her go from his life. So, you need to make a choice: live with her in his life, or not.

[Wiseman2]

But he is encouraging her because he enjoys the attention. He is the problem, not her. And yes, he's making you look like the heavy rather than have the decency to say, 'you're married...I'm with someone and we need to focus on our respective relationships'. Let him tell her whatever, who cares, but then seriously consider the integrity of your relationship.

he says that he's not encouraging her because he doesn't respond much anymore. he said "OK, I'll tell her it makes you feel uncomfortable."

[HeartGoesOn]

The fact that he refuses to do this on his own, without being told to, tells you all you need to know. I think you already know what to do here...

[j.man]

She's been married the whole time they've known each other? So she sent nudes while having a husband?

 

Personally, at just 8 months in, I'm not certain anyone has any real standing to demand their partner get rid of love letters, nudes, etc. I think you'd have to counterbalance a demand or expectation to delete the past like that with a real commitment to building a future, e.g. engagement/marriage. Not that I do, but if I had some pictures that got me by for years and I wasn't sure what my future held with a woman, I wouldn't get rid of pictures for her, even explicit ones. Granted, I don't think he should be looking at them while with you, but I don't see an issue with him simply having them.

 

But I suppose the greater concern would be the fact he willingly continues to correspond with this woman who quite obviously is interested in extramarital activities with him, even if just for attention. At just 8 months in, it wouldn't be worth it to me. "If that's what makes you feel comfortable" really says it all. It's possible for couples to negotiate boundary issues, but him making it about you and not showing that he personally sympathizes with the inappropriateness within this relationship isn't a reconciliation. I see him either continuing to do it behind your back or holding it over you at a later date.

[DancingFool]

I gave him an ultimatum between her and I and he eventually chose me...... except that he didn't..... he is still talking to her......

 

Perhaps time for you to actually carry out your ultimatum and dump him. I mean you are dating a guy who is messing around with a married woman and lying to you about it too. You are asking to get cheated on assuming you haven't been already. This isn't about this particular woman, this is about your bf and his lack of character. If not her, it will be someone else. He enjoys the drama and unless you just love this, get out now.

[Clinton]

At a minimum he's carrying on an emotional affair. It may be more than that. It's only been 8 months. Time to abandon ship. Otherwise, you lose all right to complain about this. So grab some self respect and dump him(my favorite phrase today)

[Tanzi]

It doesn't sound like he has really given her up. She is still bearing down on your relationship and it is quite evident he is reluctant to let her go completely. That (and the fact that a guy I lived with refused to get rid of naked pictures of another woman) would be a dealbreaker to me.

[catfeeder]

I can only speak for myself, and I wouldn't involve myself with anyone who still has an ex in the picture in any way, shape or form, beyond shared children. You're learning why.

 

He has no interest in shutting her down, and he's enjoying your discomfort about it.

 

Not exactly a guy I'd want to keep.