Dating Someone with Oral Herpes

[tiredofvampires]

So, about testing:

 

Doctors don't test for HPV-1/2 unless there's a new outbreak, and then they only test so they can prescribe proper suppressants when there's obvious outbreaks/symptoms. There's some visual signs a professional may be able to use to distinguish the two major types, but generally a test requires actual DNA analysis. STD tests don't include tests for herpes, because the tests are relatively expensive, and if they did perform them, nearly everyone would test positive.

 

For the majority of the population, we probably have herpes, and if we don't, we'd never know if we did.

 

I have had testing any time I asked a doctor to test me for HSV. I have even had doctors put it on the bloodwork requisition sheet even without my asking (but I would advise anyone to ask their doctor to include HSV-1 and 2, just to be sure, in an STD panel). Heck, someone I kissed last year whom I didn't trust (and he said he'd had some herpes positive partners, but never tested positive) made me want to get tested just to be sure. So we just ordered that one test, 3 months later. Negative.

 

It has always been covered by insurance, I've never had to pay for it, and know that it's routinely covered by insurance. You just have to ask your doctor for the test. If you have a visible lesion, you can get that cultured or better yet, get a PCR (DNA test) of it. If you don't have something like that to test, your blood tests results will reveal your status, provided it's after that "window period", when your body has made antibodies.

 

Honestly, I think that anyone who is sexually active should get tested just to know. The whole, "I never had a symptom, so why bother testing" doesn't seem responsible to me.

 

You are right, Pixels, that ROUTINE SCREENING for HSV is not done. And because HSV-1 is so prevalent, you do have to make a point to ask for the test. Frankly, from a public health standpoint, I disagree with the CDC policy on this one -- their position is, would knowing change anyone's behavior? Based on most of the responses on this thread, they may have a point, but still, it doesn't sit well with me. I think we should strive to know if we have it, so we can take responsibility for our medical ethnics in dating. And also, we should not assume we have it if we don't, because I would exercise more caution with a partner who has it than doesn't.

 

I just think you can't have too much information about your own health. Why be in the dark?

[lilypadgirl]

HSV-1 could and would likely affect my quality of life significantly.

 

Being alone the rest of my life will affect my life negatively as well. Not that this man is the only man on the planet. But as I get older, date more, etc., the odds of this dilemma appearing increase, and here we are.

 

It all just comes down to this. You can either take the chance or not. At this point, everything is hypothetical. No amount of research or statistics can help you make what is ultimately a personal and emotional decision.

 

Honestly, you already have a lot of information on HSV. I don't know what new information you can get that will help you in this decision other than whether you are personally willing to risk it. Because at the end of the day you have an individual health condition that makes it hard to apply general opinions or general statistics.

 

You've asked for our experiences and opinions and we've given it. In my own experience, HSV-1 has had a very minimal impact in my life and on the quality of my life. It's a mild annoyance that I have to avoid contact every so often.

 

But I am not you and only you know your health conditions best. In my opinion, given your health condition and how much this is stressing you out, I don't think it's worth it. Even if you do make it work, you are still going to have anxiety about whether you will eventually get it and that is going to cause the guy a lot of guilt, shame, and stress as well. If my cold sores were as big a deal to my fiance as they are to you, even if he wanted to continue the relationship, I don't know that I could. Who wants to carry the guilt of potentially causing someone health harm or feeling shameful over being such a person?

[Batya33]

I'm a little confused. I think I've had a cold sore a few times (it went away quickly, with some topical cream). I don't think I ever kissed anyone or had contact with anyone while I had one (and I know I never passed it to anyone). It was never diagnosed as an STI - are there different kinds of cold sores? He has a specific diagnosis?

 

My concern here is your weakened immune system -otherwise I would have little/no concern.

[tiredofvampires]

I'm a little confused. I think I've had a cold sore a few times (it went away quickly, with some topical cream). I don't think I ever kissed anyone or had contact with anyone while I had one (and I know I never passed it to anyone). It was never diagnosed as an STI - are there different kinds of cold sores? He has a specific diagnosis?

 

My concern here is your weakened immune system -otherwise I would have little/no concern.

 

The only way to know if you have HSV-1 (aka, herpes simplex type 1, aka oral herpes), is to get a blood test specifically for those antibodies (though you could also test for HSV-2, as that can appear orally as well, but that's much more rare.)

 

If I were you, I would get the testing done, just so you know. If you are negative, you then know you have some other type of sore or abrasion that's appearing. But "cold sores" are actually only technically HSV-related.

 

I get canker sores IN the mouth from time to time when I am run down, which are not contagious, but they look a bit like cold sores. Many people get canker and cold sores mixed up.

[Batya33]

The only way to know if you have HSV-1 (aka, herpes simplex type 1, aka oral herpes), is to get a blood test specifically for those antibodies (though you could also test for HSV-2, as that can appear orally as well, but that's much more rare.)

 

If I were you, I would get the testing done, just so you know. If you are negative, you then know you have some other type of sore or abrasion that's appearing. But "cold sores" are actually only technically HSV-related.

 

I get canker sores IN the mouth from time to time when I am run down, which are not contagious, but they look a bit like cold sores. Many people get mixed up.

 

I haven't had any in many years so, no need to get tested. As it is I was tested for all STIs/STDs regularly for many years -all negative -I assume they also tested for that.

[Pixels]

So, about testing:

 

 

 

I have had testing any time I asked a doctor to test me for HSV. I have even had doctors put it on the bloodwork requisition sheet even without my asking (but I would advise anyone to ask their doctor to include HSV-1 and 2, just to be sure, in an STD panel). Heck, someone I kissed last year whom I didn't trust (and he said he'd had some herpes positive partners, but never tested positive) made me want to get tested just to be sure. So we just ordered that one test, 3 months later. Negative.

 

It has always been covered by insurance, I've never had to pay for it, and know that it's routinely covered by insurance. You just have to ask your doctor for the test. If you have a visible lesion, you can get that cultured or better yet, get a PCR (DNA test) of it. If you don't have something like that to test, your blood tests results will reveal your status, provided it's after that "window period", when your body has made antibodies.

 

Honestly, I think that anyone who is sexually active should get tested just to know. The whole, "I never had a symptom, so why bother testing" doesn't seem responsible to me.

 

You are right, Pixels, that ROUTINE SCREENING for HSV is not done. And because HSV-1 is so prevalent, you do have to make a point to ask for the test. Frankly, from a public health standpoint, I disagree with the CDC policy on this one -- their position is, would knowing change anyone's behavior? Based on most of the responses on this thread, they may have a point, but still, it doesn't sit well with me. I think we should strive to know if we have it, so we can take responsibility for our medical ethnics in dating. And also, we should not assume we have it if we don't, because I would exercise more caution with a partner who has it than doesn't.

 

I just think you can't have too much information about your own health. Why be in the dark?

 

I can only speak for the healthy North American population... HSV-1/2 tests are not routinely covered, and are never included in standard STD screenings... Like I said... If you have a weakened immune system or medical complications, speak to your health-care professional, and don't take chances.

 

Yes, HSV-1/2 can be detected by PCR, but only when the virus is shedding, or an immediate reaction is occurring. PCR is a DNA amplification process which CAN be used to diagnose viruses by looking for specific motifs. However, HSV is nearly always dormant, so viral DNA usually wont be present in blood/saliva/tissue samples, unless the sample comes from an area experiencing an acute viral outbreak, or unless the sample is collected during a shedding phase...

[tiredofvampires]

You've asked for our experiences and opinions and we've given it.

 

Well, new posts have continued to come in, so I am very appreciative of any and all of them and the resulting dialogue.

 

I also have not posted some of the actual facts that I would like to, for the sake of chronicling the information I am getting, so that's still to come. And some posters I've queried further, and they may or may not return to respond, so it's not a closed case.

 

I also would like to update as I find out more about the facts.

 

I actually do not feel sufficiently informed about the risks because I have not reported yet from my own doctors, whom I have only started to get a full perspective from.

 

The pieces of information about the actual health risks are not complete yet, and I plan on presenting that here when all the consults have been had. That WILL help me make a more informed decision. Researchers are on one end of the science, and clinicians are interpreters of it, in terms of actual patient experiences.

 

This thread is a compilation of: personal experiences and discussion (that means, discussion, not just posts, where possible), my research as it relates, and what doctors and real time experts tell me, based on their clinical experience. As well as my developing emotions/feelings about this man/situation.

 

So for instance, here is a "preliminary" report from the M.D. front:

 

I went to an infectious disease doc this week, primarily for a totally unrelated and isolated situation (now resolved). He's in the office of my regular doc. This was the first time I ever saw him, and I really like him -- he's a great doctor. I told him that I'd have to come back soon to talk about HSV concerns, as that's been on my mind. So we only briefly touched on some things about it, but this is what came out of this prelim conversation, which is TBC at another date, when we can focus just on this:

 

He worked in an STD clinic, himself, and is Mayo trained. So I defer to whatever he will tell me, his credentials are immaculate.

 

When he worked in the STD clinic, he ROUTINELY TOLD WOMEN TO USE DENTAL DAMS if their partner had HSV-1. These were not immune-compromised women. The chances of getting HSV-1 genitally, even when there are no symptoms in a partner, are HIGH.

 

He and I talked about the horrible bummer of using dental dams possibly for the rest of my life, and he said, you can still get sensation through them, they're not AS good as the unprotected thing, but they are not the end of the world. But would he recommend them to ANYONE with an HSV-1 positive partner? Yes.

 

Then he told me about anti-viral treatment used as daily suppression, which he would recommend for my partner in this case. That is partly because of my immune situation, but also because in anyone, the asymptomatic shedding is occurring, and it just decreases transmission overall. He said there are pluses and minuses with "episodic" treatment vs. "daily suppression", and that is one thing we need to discuss further. I have yet to ask him what my chances are of getting it orally, if my partner is on daily suppression therapy, since I am not gonna use a barrier for kissing, obviously. Given the extra bit about my own immune system.

 

He told me that he has a patient who has cancer, and due to chemo is immune-suppressed, but her new boyfriend has HSV-1. As they were worried, this man became the doctor's patient -- the doc has put this man on daily suppressive therapy, and he deals more with the man than the woman herself, as a patient.

 

So I need to find out more specifics -- is this a 1 in 1000 chance? 1 in 3 million? How does this shake out in terms of what you see happening with patients, when ALL precautions are taken? Those numbers MEAN A LOT TO ME.

 

So I still have some things I'm working out and weighing, as there are new developments/updates to this situation.

 

Thank you everyone for your responses.

[Pixels]

Well, new posts have continued to come in, so I am very appreciative of any and all of them and the resulting dialogue.

 

I also have not posted some of the actual facts that I would like to, for the sake of chronicling the information I am getting, so that's still to come. And some posters I've queried further, and they may or may not return to respond, so it's not a closed case.

 

I also would like to update as I find out more about the facts.

 

I actually do not feel sufficiently informed about the risks because I have not reported yet from my own doctors, whom I have only started to get a full perspective from.

 

The pieces of information about the actual health risks are not complete yet, and I plan on presenting that here when all the consults have been had. That WILL help me make a more informed decision. Researchers are on one end of the science, and clinicians are interpreters of it, in terms of actual patient experiences.

 

This thread is a compilation of: personal experiences and discussion (that means, discussion, not just posts, where possible), my research as it relates, and what doctors and real time experts tell me, based on their clinical experience. As well as my developing emotions/feelings about this man/situation.

 

So for instance, here is a "preliminary" report from the M.D. front:

 

I went to an infectious disease doc this week, primarily for a totally unrelated and isolated situation (now resolved). He's in the office of my regular doc. This was the first time I ever saw him, and I really like him -- he's a great doctor. I told him that I'd have to come back soon to talk about HSV concerns, as that's been on my mind. So we only briefly touched on some things about it, but this is what came out of this prelim conversation, which is TBC at another date, when we can focus just on this:

 

He worked in an STD clinic, himself, and is Mayo trained. So I defer to whatever he will tell me, his credentials are immaculate.

 

When he worked in the STD clinic, he ROUTINELY TOLD WOMEN TO USE DENTAL DAMS if their partner had HSV-1. These were not immune-compromised women. The chances of getting HSV-1 genitally, even when there are no symptoms in a partner, are HIGH.

 

He and I talked about the horrible bummer of using dental dams possibly for the rest of my life, and he said, you can still get sensation through them, they are not the end of the world. But would he recommend them to ANYONE with an HSV-1 positive partner? Yes.

 

Then he told me about anti-viral treatment used as daily suppression, which he would recommend for my partner in this case. That is partly because of my immune situation, but also because in anyone, the asymptomatic shedding is occurring, and it just decreases transmission overall. He said there are pluses and minuses with "episodic" treatment vs. "daily suppression", and that is one thing we need to discuss further. I have yet to ask him what my chances are of getting it orally, if my partner is on daily suppression therapy, since I am not gonna use a barrier for kissing, obviously. Given the extra bit about my own immune system.

 

He told me that he has a patient who has cancer, and due to chemo is immune-suppressed, but her new boyfriend has HSV-1. As they were worried, this man became the doctor's patient -- the doc has put this man on daily suppressive therapy, and he deals more with the man than the woman herself, as a patient.

 

So I need to find out more specifics -- is this a 1 in 1000 chance? 1 in 3 million? How does this shake out in terms of what you see happening with patients? Those numbers MEAN A LOT TO ME.

 

So I still have some things I'm working out and weighing, as there are new developments to this situation.

 

Thank you everyone for your responses.

 

Clinically speaking, the vast majority of HSV1/2 cases are asymptomatic. Unless you are immune compromised, it's unusual for a doctor to give recommendations to avoid it, because you probably already have it... Some doctors have actually petitioned to have children infected with it early to build a resistance, as we do with chicken pox...

 

If you have an HSV infection, you already have antibodies for it, so it's significantly less likely that you'll acquire a new infection of the same strain elsewhere... That is, if you have HSV-1 on your mouth, you almost definitely wont get it on your genitals. However, you can get HSV infections in any epidermal tissue... Fingers, toes, fore-arm... Anywhere... Same goes for HSV-2. Only difference being that HSV-2 prefers to infect genital areas due to the environment they provide, while HSV-1 prefers the mouth-region.

 

Viral suppressants are sometimes used to prevent spreading the infection, but more commonly they're used to reduce existing symptoms in the patient.

 

So I need to find out more specifics -- is this a 1 in 1000 chance? 1 in 3 million? How does this shake out in terms of what you see happening with patients? Those numbers MEAN A LOT TO ME.

 

The current health guide-lines and practices are based on typical clinical experiences and take public health into consideration.

 

Nearly everyone has it... Once in awhile patients exhibit severe complications from the virus... Same can be said for the common cold... Sometimes they're immune compromised, sometimes they aren't... Everyone is different and statistics are still just an educated guess... If you play the statistics route, I'd say your chances of life-altering HSV complications are approximately 1% (for HSV 1 and 2)... Just a dumb estimate... But trust me, they're low... Unless you're immune compromised, in which case, you aren't a normal subset of the population and you need to be treated as a special case, and the information that applies to you does not apply to everyone else...

 

P.S. Many health experts would raise an eyebrow to a doctor insisting on dental dam use for HSV-1... Even doctors have person biases... Dr. Sue Johnson (the famous TV "sexpert" has pushed her own personal opinions disguised as medically sounds advice.

[tiredofvampires]

Even if you do make it work, you are still going to have anxiety about whether you will eventually get it and that is going to cause the guy a lot of guilt, shame, and stress as well. If my cold sores were as big a deal to my fiance as they are to you, even if he wanted to continue the relationship, I don't know that I could. Who wants to carry the guilt of potentially causing someone health harm or feeling shameful over being such a person?

 

This presupposes that if I got to the point of getting a serious relationship going with this guy, I would be as afraid as I am now.

 

That is not something you or I can extrapolate at this juncture. I am still in information/sorting/digesting/weighing phase over this. And every day, his behavior on other fronts can push this one way or the other in terms of what level of peace I would have being with him, because to repeat, knowing we might be an ill-fated match would greatly increase my hesitancy.

 

I think what your fiancé did was super sweet and romantic -- to kiss you right as you were having an outbreak. But I also am glad to see you had the good sense to let him know that's not something that should be repeated. Why play chicken with it, deliberately throw caution to the wind? If I were the one with HSV-1, I would feel the need to protect my partner and would not shy away from this, either in discussion or behavior. I know what it's like to be stigmatized, so I am not being callous here, or coming from a place lacking in empathy. I'm talking about how I'd treat someone and want to be treated, and I would tell a partner firmly that I don't want them to wantonly take chances they don't need to take. We have a whole life to share this virus, and you are right about that: the likelihood of my getting it eventually is high.

 

I asked my gynecologist (another whole post), "What is the likelihood of eventually getting HSV from my partner in a long-term committed relationship?" I did not add any qualifiers, such as having an immune problem, or any other factor. And she said, "HIGH."

 

I still do not understand the discrepancy between that answer and what I've heard from friends and on this board, for the most part. And that is yet another question to ask them. I am literally taking notes from this thread about what I need to ask my docs, to get clarity.

 

I do hope you will have a lifetime together of love and companionship, till death do you part, lily. But the fact of the matter is that no one goes into marriage thinking they will divorce, and the divorce rate is over 50%. Like I said, may you not be in this percentile! But should that happen, as none of us know the future or have a guarantee, I would caution him not to behave as though none of this will EVER have any significance. I hope you don't take offense at that, and realize I'm only saying, none of us know for sure about anything.

 

I would like your input though on something you brought up in your other post, and also are touching on here:

 

How should I go about discussing this with him? Right now, I am making room for the fact that he is probably still assimilating the information, and I don't want to bombard him or embarrass him, like you said. I don't want him to feel that I'm treating him like a "pariah". On the other hand, I am starting to feel that his vow that we will be openly communicative is feeling like empty words right now. If he wants to kiss me, if we do meet, he will have to be taking Valtrex at least a month before that, from what I understand (more information that is unclear to me.) We also have to discuss frankly what our other differences are, as they now are looming more prominent. What can we negotiate? What is compatible/incompatible? Do I just leave all this to shake out as I stand here in limbo, waiting for him to initiate a conversation he clearly isn't?

 

How do I approach this delicately and sensitively, while at the same time having the level of frankness and directness that I think is necessary for us to evaluate the cost/benefit analysis, of taking the risk or even just continuing to pursue this as a potential romance vs. just a friendship?

 

Should I just wait another couple of months till I'm in person with him? A lot of conversation would happen between now and then, and as long as he doesn't bring it up, it's the elephant in the room that's making me feel more and more stifled. How can I possibly know what path we might consider, what he'd be willing to do, how much this factors into his own needs, etc. if we are not even talking about it because I'm dancing around hurting his feelings or making him face stuff he'd just rather not?

[tiredofvampires]

Clinically speaking, the vast majority of HSV1/2 cases are asymptomatic. Unless you are immune compromised, it's unusual for a doctor to give recommendations to avoid it, because you probably already have it... Some doctors have actually petitioned to have children infected with it early to build a resistance, as we do with chicken pox...

 

I will actually print this out and bring it to my specialists, Pixels. Especially the infectious disease doc. Thanks. Interesting.

 

P.S. Many health experts would raise an eyebrow to a doctor insisting on dental dam use for HSV-1...

 

"Insisting"? It's a choice any patient can make, based on the risk level they want to take...

 

Well, my gynecologist and the infectious disease doc both said it, independently. I will double-check with them that they meant for the regular population, not just immune-compromised folks, but I'm sure they said it was in the context of all the STDs/patients they treat.

 

It is also advised on such sites as Planned Parenthood, government and health education sites for college students, etc. Every site I've read about "precautions" lists condoms on a man and dental dams on a woman as one of the important risk-reducing measures to be taken to avoid getting genital herpes (from an oral HSV-1 contact).

 

May I ask, just out of curiosity, what your professional background is?

[Pixels]

I will actually print this out and bring it to my specialists, Pixels. Especially the infectious disease doc. Thanks. Interesting.

 

 

 

"Insisting"? It's a choice any patient can make, based on the risk level they want to take...

 

Well, my gynecologist and the infectious disease doc both said it, independently. I will double-check with them that they meant for the regular population, not just immune-compromised folks, but I'm sure they said it was in the context of all the STDs/patients they treat.

 

It is also advised on such sites as Planned Parenthood, government and health education sites for college students, etc. Every site I've read about "precautions" lists condoms on a man and dental dams on a woman as one of the important risk-reducing measures to be taken to avoid getting genital herpes (from an oral HSV-1 contact).

 

May I ask, just out of curiosity, what your professional background is?

 

I'm actually a grad-student. I'm not in the medical field at all, but my areas of interest are largely focused in the evolution and ecology of bacteria and viruses (not with a focus on human health or medicine, but in a broader ecological context). HSV is a common biological model organism/case study, so I've run into it in most of my virology and histology courses, and on a more personal level I've personally been involved with someone who had a genital HSV-1 infection, which I was initially very concerned with.

 

There's a lot of stigma surrounding it, and obviously people are heavily inclined to avoid viral infections, but the reality is that in many ways it's like chicken pox... If you get oral HSV-1, you have an extremely reduced chance of getting a genital HSV-1 infection because you already have antibodies towards it... Likewise, if you have oral HSV-2, you likely wont get HSV-2 infections elsewhere... The truth is you can be infected with HSV nearly anywhere that you have epidermal tissue... Fingers, palms, arms, legs, genital, stomach, mouth, chest (I think it can even infect the eyes)... Most complications occur with infants who contract the virus from the mother during child birth, and the time at which the mother contracted the infection is an important factor of how likely this is. The real problem is that it likes to lay dormant in deep-nerve tissues, which gives it a direct route into the spine and brain for some individuals, in which case it can become life-threatening (although this is rare).

 

It's like toxoplasmosis... Nearly every North American has statistically been infected with it, and statistically most of us are carrying the parasite at any given time... But for the vast majority of the population, its asymptomatic, even though it's known to travel into eye and brain tissues where it can cause severe damage. Same with pinworms... If you have a kid, they're almost guaranteed to get pinworms at some point in their life (except I don't think there's any serious consequences with pinworms)...

 

HSV-1/2 is just one of those things that MOST of us encounter and get infected with, and most of us aren't affected by it (noticeably). Some of us have ugly symptoms that make people uncomfortable, and some of us have seriously life-threatening complications...

 

It's something to be aware of, but it's not worth losing sleep over IMO... You might miss out on some relationships because of it, but your biggest problem will be social-response, not actual symptoms...

[Batya33]

I know you and I see this differently but since for romantic purposes and potential he is a stranger - I would move on now. Too much effort to meet someone at that great distance where you have this elephant in the room. I would have a different view if you were not immune compromised but since you are and it is such a point of stress for you, it's not worth it on balance. If you had already met him, were seriously involved with him in person, and he contracted something like this, different story. Also, the long distance will compound your stress/anxiety because you won't know if he is taking his meds/doing what he needs to do (not that you should be an adult's mother or babysitter but psychologically, if you see someone regularly and are involved more in the daily life, you have much more information about how they are caring for themselves/any health condition.

 

Given how prevalent his STI is I don't think it's a problem that he waited this long to share it with you.

[yatsue]

To address your response questions:

The HSV virus can go into periods of active and inactive phases. The active phase doesn’t always manifest itself as a series of symptoms, rather it can be asymptomatic I believe about 75 % of the time for HSV 1. At least for mononucleosis it does, this is a HSV 1 number 4 virus. While that unlucky ~30 % have symptoms. The 75 %, while asymptomatic, are still contagious and spread the virus unknowingly. For cold sores, I wouldn’t know the specific statistics since they aren’t readily available, although this concept may be applied within reason as it’s a HSV 1 virus since it's viral structure is similar with few variances (aka how it effects the host). The inactive, or dormant phase, is when the virus isn’t infectious, most of the time. The virus can be in its dormant phase, but can still contain remnants of infectious particles from the host that are still infectious. This is viral shedding. The latency of viral shedding can last up to a certain amount of time even if the virus is in the dormant phase. This was why anthrax distributed in our mail was such a dangerous bio-terrorism tactic. They can still last in the environment as contagious particles. For cold sores or other HSV 1 viruses, this is why sharing utensils or drinks from anyone have the potential for exposure.

 

Concerning the topic of knowledge = power, I highly highly suggest you to look up John Oliver’s Last Week Tonight show on Scientific Studies ( ). I would take away studies that have case studies, unrepresentative population sizes, and non-repeated tests as the reason for the misinformation. Including the kind of sources you look up. I wanted to note a site you posted here that was a .com site. This is not a valid source. In order to obtain a valid, reliable source, you need to either obtain a peer reviewed study approved by the scientific community or government based websites. Even education institutes can vary on their reliability, depending on their methods. Some good reference examples are the CDC, NIH, WHO, or implementing a google scholar search (good luck finding non-case studies from there though). There are also peer reviewed scientific journals, but those are often subscription based. The library is a good start. It seems you are looking at any kind of information on this topic. That spreads the large majority of misinformation as the reports are not reviewed, accurate, or widespread due to limited means.

 

Please read on screening:

 

“There is no evidence that detection of HSV infection through testing of persons with no symptoms suggestive of herpes leads to a change their sexual behavior. Because the tests can be expensive and the diagnosis may have adverse psychological or effects for some people, widespread testing for HSV is not currently recommended.” HSV screening is not recommended because it does not change sexual behavior after testing, is expensive, doesn’t decrease infection rates, and causes unnecessary psychological distress. I would say this is definitely the case here, especially psychologically. Unless if you periodically screen your partner multiple times before you kiss them or share anything, then you are bound to get the virus based on the public health model decided by the scientific community. The immune-compromised patients are only concerning if they have HIV when it comes to contracting cold sores or HSV ( /). This is because the mechanism of HIV makes the body more susceptible to otherwise harmless agents. Even colds are a high risk to HIV patients without anti-retro viral treatment. Otherwise, there aren’t many adverse affects, which I've read are pertaining to skin condition such as eczema although the effects are not severe. I don’t believe you mentioned you are HIV positive, though it would be more helpful to know what you have specifically. When you say a medical debate concerning your immune problems, are you talking about among your doctors or the scientific community? If it’s the latter, the scientific community only has correlations between the two and not a causation. Again, please watch that John Oliver clip. Correlation does not equal causation.

 

I just wanted to clear something up; you said you have the Epstein Barr virus, which is HSV-1, but you don’t have HSV-1 or 2 antibodies after specifically screening for them? The viruses you mentioned that you have are all herpes viruses and are classified as STD’s because they have the potential to infect the genitals (very small chance). Genital to genital transmission (HSV-2) is generally more severe than oral to genital (HSV-1), which is infrequent. The initial HSV-1 genital transmission outbreak is the highest peak of its manifestation of symptoms, which is usually hardly noticed. If there are any sequential manifestations, the extent of symptoms is lessened.

 

You could exclude HSV-1, but you still have a ~90 % chance of contracting herpes still from the population. However, you stated you already have herpes 1, so I’m not sure what your concern would be if you aren’t HIV positive. The discrepancies between the percentiles you’re getting are due to the causes of misinformation mentioned and the sources you are referencing. Also, government statistic reports for herpes are not focused on because of the same reasons I mentioned for why they don’t screen herpes. So the statistics you are getting are based on smaller scientific data bases with limited resources, rather than the pooling of information the government gets. I hope this is helpful.

[reinventmyself]

Clinically speaking, the vast majority of HSV1/2 cases are asymptomatic. Unless you are immune compromised, it's unusual for a doctor to give recommendations to avoid it, because you probably already have it... Some doctors have actually petitioned to have children infected with it early to build a resistance, as we do with chicken pox...

 

If you have an HSV infection, you already have antibodies for it, so it's significantly less likely that you'll acquire a new infection of the same strain elsewhere... That is, if you have HSV-1 on your mouth, you almost definitely wont get it on your genitals. However, you can get HSV infections in any epidermal tissue... Fingers, toes, fore-arm... Anywhere... Same goes for HSV-2. Only difference being that HSV-2 prefers to infect genital areas due to the environment they provide, while HSV-1 prefers the mouth-region.

 

Viral suppressants are sometimes used to prevent spreading the infection, but more commonly they're used to reduce existing symptoms in the patient.

 

 

 

The current health guide-lines and practices are based on typical clinical experiences and take public health into consideration.

 

Nearly everyone has it... Once in awhile patients exhibit severe complications from the virus... Same can be said for the common cold... Sometimes they're immune compromised, sometimes they aren't... Everyone is different and statistics are still just an educated guess... If you play the statistics route, I'd say your chances of life-altering HSV complications are approximately 1% (for HSV 1 and 2)... Just a dumb estimate... But trust me, they're low... Unless you're immune compromised, in which case, you aren't a normal subset of the population and you need to be treated as a special case, and the information that applies to you does not apply to everyone else...

 

P.S. Many health experts would raise an eyebrow to a doctor insisting on dental dam use for HSV-1... Even doctors have person biases... Dr. Sue Johnson (the famous TV "sexpert" has pushed her own personal opinions disguised as medically sounds advice.

I work in medical malpractice. Doctors that are comcerned about their liability will almost always recommend the most conservative measures to protect themselves.

For him to say otherwise and in the event you become exposed, you could attempt to hold the doc liable.

Try calling a dr after hours when your baby has a fever. What do you they'll tell you? To go to the emergency room.

If they tell you otherwise and there is an adverse outcome, they are liable.

How benign are fevers for baby's for the most part?

[Batya33]

I work in medical malpractice. Doctors that are comcerned about their liability will almost always recommend the most conservative measures to protect themselves.

For him to say otherwise and in the event you become exposed, you could attempt to hold the doc liable.

Try calling a dr after hours when your baby has a fever. What do you they'll tell you? To go to the emergency room.

If they tell you otherwise and there is an adverse outcome, they are liable.

How benign are fevers for baby's for the most part?

 

No, I have not found that (somewhat surprisingly). I called once when my young child had 105 (!) and we were advised not to go to the ER because of the long wait/risk of secondary infection. The doctor asked specific questions about how he was doing aside from the number. I have had similar experiences where I thought we needed urgent care and I was advised to wait at least until the morning. Sure, there is risk of liability but there is also a risk that if the doctor's snap judgment is "go to the ER" that doctor's reputation is going to suffer in a different way.

 

On that point -TOV -I would follow your personal physician's advice only -that person knows you, your history, your particulars.

[tiredofvampires]

On that point -TOV -I would follow your personal physician's advice only -that person knows you, your history, your particulars.

 

Right, I of course am not seeking medical advice here.

 

I am seeking the stories of people who have been in "discordant couples" situations (that's when one person is positive, the other is negative, for the virus) -- how they took precautions in the early stages when they weren't sure the relationship was right for them, what were their fears and reservations, how their relationship was impacted, and also if they remained "discordant" (even though all cases are individual, so I frame that appropriately.) I'm also looking to see how people who are single and/or dating view this concern. I'm looking for personal experiences.

 

The objective scientific and medical data around the nature of this infection/virus is extremely useful, and I am taking some of it to my providers. But I am not using it as medical advice per se. /end of disclaimer

 

What I realized in thinking about the pool of respondents on this thread is that it breaks down as follows:

 

1. People who are HSV-1 positive, who have reported that it was/is a "non-issue" in relationships

2. People who are HSV-1 negative, and who have not been in a "discordant" relationship

 

I haven't had any posters weigh in on this thread who were:

 

1. HSV-1 positive, who have reported that it was/is an "issue" in relationships (so......they don't exist?)

2. HSV-1 negative who have been or are in a "discordant" relationship

 

It's interesting to me that no one (but I'll go back and double-check just to make sure I'm not forgetting someone) has posted with a first-hand account of that personal situation, in bold. And this is the demographic that most closely resembles my own situation.

 

Except for Pixels, so I am getting back to his posts...

[tiredofvampires]

I work in medical malpractice. Doctors that are comcerned about their liability will almost always recommend the most conservative measures to protect themselves.

For him to say otherwise and in the event you become exposed, you could attempt to hold the doc liable.

Try calling a dr after hours when your baby has a fever. What do you they'll tell you? To go to the emergency room.

If they tell you otherwise and there is an adverse outcome, they are liable.

How benign are fevers for baby's for the most part?

 

This does bring up the point though that some doctors may err on the side of conservatism about this, in how to conduct myself on a routine basis to be safe.

 

So I will have to say something like, "So I know that there is always risk. We have that covered. But what would you advise your own child, if they were in my shoes?"

 

I will also ask them, if you subtract for my immune system problems (and the emotional trauma I've suffered from an existing chronic condition), and consider me a normal, healthy, average person, how would that change your advice, or would it?

 

Getting clearer.

[Sportster2005]

1. HSV-1 positive, who have reported that it was/is an "issue" in relationships (so......they don't exist?)

 

It's never come up. Never. I went on a date once with a woman who had a cold sore. She said she wouldn't kiss me good night because of the cold sore. I don't kiss women when my cold sore is active. No one to my knowledge has ever became infected because of me.

 

I was in a HSV-2 discordant relationship twice in my life. I remain so. The first relationship was in my 20s. We refrained when it was active. It was never active during our relationship. Later in life my partner was on acyclovir. We refrained when it was active. It never was during our relationship. I also used a condom some of the time. The relationship was over nine months. I never acquired it. I know, not exactly what you are looking for, but hope it gives some perspective.

[greywolf]

I know this subject isn't a new one to emerge on this forum, but it feels like one I need to personalize as a question.

 

For the last 2 months, I have been in nearly daily and fairly intensive conversation with a gentleman who contacted me from one of the dating sites I'm on. He's quite far away -- thousands of miles, so it's a growing LDR. For those who have read my threads in the past, that's no surprise, since I have kept open to meeting men elsewhere, given a dearth in the local dating pool. It of course presents unique and significant challenges, but I'm willing to meet them and believe the right person might think similarly.

 

In the case of this man, I was very impressed by his openness to getting to know each other without a hurried agenda. We have used a variety of media to connect and share our lives, interests, and selves, including face-to-face Skyping. The general tone has been one of authenticity and candidness; and, we have explicitly agreed that it's premature to take others off the table, so each of us is free to pursue anyone else who may come along, locally or otherwise. I don't see anyone on my horizon currently, while he has more selection, though I believe I'm the front-runner so far.

 

Tentative plans have been made to meet this summer (which would require me to travel), and I feel we share a sense that it might possibly help us decide one way or the other whether to become exclusive. This would likely (but not necessarily) involve becoming physically intimate.

 

We share a great deal and there is a lot that seems promising. It's been a very, very long time since I've felt this aligned with someone on many fronts. Then again, there are a few issues and differences that could spell incompatibility, which have caused me pause. These things may be workable though, and so it's a matter of time and further growing intimacy for me to know. I have felt up to this point that the good things are, all things considered, outweighing the things that concern me. I am also very much enjoying this pace, which might have sped up were we in person. There is clearly attraction and rapport.

 

This week we had a terrifically fun and engaging Skype conversation, until the very end, when almost as a footnote to the subject we were on, he mentioned that he breaks out in oral cold sores. I didn't see that coming, so I was a little stunned. Because he said it nonchalantly, and my first response to this condition is, "Yes, it's true, most of the population has it," it took a few moments for it to sink in that there are certain real risks I am facing with this.

 

I have extensively studied the literature on this virus, and while it's true that it's extremely prevalent, and herpes (HSV-1 in this case) is "just an annoying skin infection", I have some health issues that already compromise my immune response (a situation he's aware of), which means that if I contracted it, I might be saddled with more frequent outbreaks than some other person. On further questioning, which I tried to do as sensitively as I could, he said he gets outbreaks every few months. We were suddenly plunged into a serious discussion about our STD records, which is that I am completely free of any infection, while this is the only positive one on his record.

 

Unfortunately, he seemed to know little about this virus. There is no "good" type of herpes or "bad" herpes. Oral herpes is easily transmitted genitally, if oral sex occurs when the carrier/giver is contagious. Of course, it can be passed through kissing, and objects that are shared orally when the carrier is contagious. I could live with those risks, if it weren't for this: that even when an infected person is not having an active outbreak, and even if they are not experiencing the pre-outbreak symptoms (tingling, burning, etc.), which are the times it is most contagious, the skin can shed the virus and infect someone else at any time. This is called "asymptomatic viral shedding," and I've read wildly different statistics on how frequent that can be -- anywhere from 6.6% of the time to 20% of the time, in between outbreaks. In a couple of studies I reviewed, even when someone is taking suppressive anti-viral medication, such as Valtrex, viral DNA has been found to be shedding on the skin, which means those are contagious times. There is no way to know how often or when this is occurring in any given individual, though the frequency of outbreaks increases the amount of shedding that occurs. Given he has outbreaks every few months, it's quite likely that a handful of days each month -- which neither of us would know -- he's shedding. It is also known that about a week BEFORE an outbreak and a week AFTER an outbreak, shedding is likely, as the virus percolates up to the skin from its home in the nerve roots. How would anyone know a week before anything is apparent to avoid contact?

 

This means that really, every time you kiss someone with oral herpes, or any time they perform oral sex on you, however free they are of any signs or symptoms, and however long it's been since their last outbreak, it's a spin of the roulette wheel. And to me, it feels like Russian Roulette, because I already struggle with difficult circumstances that require understanding and patience with a new partner. This I would literally need like a hole in the head.

 

Since he told me this, I have been dealing with a lot of apprehension and ambivalence. I realize that if I reject him on this basis, the next guy might have it. I have just gotten lucky that none of my partners have carried it (I've been scrupulous with getting tested). But as I approach 5 decades of life, I hardly feel ready to ruin this good streak, and so far feel that this is one thing working in my favor: that I can tell my next intimate partner that he will not catch anything from me, and therefore, if we should not work out, he will walk away unscathed, physically.

 

I could tell he was deeply taken aback when I told him the facts about shedding/latency, and the ways it can be transmitted. And our conversation has become strange since then. I've tried to make it clear to him that it's just as much my problem as his (since I have pre-existing health concerns), and we agreed to keep our communications going, to keep being upfront and open as we have been. But I feel he's pulled back. I noticed that he un-hid his profile today. And frankly, there's a part of me that feels utterly defeated with this news.

 

How on earth would I feel if we did proceed to get more serious and physical, only to find that later, we have to part ways -- though now I have a lifelong infection? This is not so much about distance, as any number of ways two people might not work out, and how nothing about love and partnering is guaranteed. Committing over a distance just aggravates the dilemma.

 

I'd like to know how others feel about dating someone who has ORAL herpes in particular, since in a way, I almost think it can affect intimacy more than HSV-2 (genital type). Since all reliable sources recommend barrier methods of protection, even in between outbreaks (because of the shedding), it would mean a lifetime of dental dams, for one -- there goes that whole act. Awesome. And there is no barrier for kissing, which is my favorite thing in the world. And kissing him, then performing oral (so perhaps transmitting the virus there) would mean requiring condoms long-term as well, something I'm loathe to do the rest of my life. Of course, the longer you are together, the more you are pushing the odds. I don't feel that I'm being irrational to note that 70% of new infections occur when a carrier is asymptomatic, that 50% of new genital infections are from ORAL herpes, and that I'm a sitting duck because I have no antibodies to this yet.

 

I welcome any feedback and thoughts, whatever your herpes status.

 

But for those couples where one person had/has oral herpes: How have you dealt with this situation if you were negative and your partner was positive? If you have a partner who is positive, what sort of precautions have you taken and how have they been working?

 

And, if you have oral herpes yourself, whether or not you've ever had outbreaks, how have you managed it and how has it affected you as a couple?

 

If you've ever been in this situation, on either side, how did you decide that your taking the risk was worth it with your partner? How did you make that decision, with futurity being uncertain?

 

I'd be also interested in knowing how anyone dealt with contracting it from a partner, whether you stayed together or broke up.

 

My greatest fear is breaking up, with a new infection, and having to face the dating world again with something else to disclose to prospective dates that has a pretty bad rap, deserved or not. Though even if I'm single the rest of my life, having an outbreak every time I'm stressed is a pretty bad thought (I deal with a good bit of stress), and being on suppressive drugs for life is not something I'd tolerate well either.

 

UGH, I just hate this. I mean, we might not be right for each other anyway, but the only way to know that is to keep pursuing something that really could cause problems for me if we're not.

 

Hi TOV, I'm late coming to this thread so I'm sorry if I've missed other important posts (I'm posting from my phone too).

 

My husband has oral herpes and as far as I was aware, I didn't have it. We weren't super cautious about it, but we generally avoided kissing each other when he had a cold sore.

 

Last month I got a complete STD test and I am positive for HSV. Ive never had an HSV test before so I can't say for certain that I contracted it from my husband, but everyone else I've been with has supposedly been HSV free.

 

 

 

But, I've never had a cold sore. Not once. It's a relief in a way. I don't have to worry about getting it anymore because I'm actually an asymptomatic carrier. It's also concerning because does it mean I can infect someone else. If I'm ever out dating again, would not informing someone of my positive hsv status be irresponsible? And have I contracted it orally or genitally? Will I one day find out? Maybe when I'm older and immunosuppressed it'll appear and surprise me (especially if it's on the genitals).

 

I used to "joke" with my husband that if I got herpes he could never leave me. Yikes... So I definitely understand the fear of going out into the dating world again after a breakup but this time with herpes... =/

 

But it also makes me wonder how many people have it but are asymptomatic like me.

 

Have your previous STD tests included testing for HSV? I ask because usually they don't unless they see a sore. Never mind, I just saw that you said you've been tested for HSV .

 

Also, for those that say that cold sores are a non-issue-- that's not entirely true. Herpes can travel to other places of the body, can get in your eyes, etc. There's also some new evidence that it may be partly responsible for Alzheimer's disease.

[greywolf]

You can be tested for antibodies and as far as I'm aware, it's pretty accurate.

[danslenoir]

If I'm ever out dating again, would not informing someone of my positive hsv status be irresponsible?

 

Imagine this: You have a fantastic date with someone and there appears to be potential for something to develop. He walks you to your door and leans in to kiss you. You want to badly, but stop him and say 'By the way, I am HSV1-positive and if in the unlikely event you have not already contracted it from somewhere/someone else, there is a small chance [assuming you are symptom free at the time] that I may pass it onto you to. Is that OK?'

 

Talk about mood killer.

 

It is a non-issue for most people, as most people have it, and for the vast, vast majority of those who do, it never results in anything more than an occasional sore.

 

If for some reason it is an issue for the date, the onus should be on them to investigate first given the above. The implicit assumption when deciding to kiss anyone should be that there is a risk of HSV-1 transmission. I don't think you need to broadcast that with a megaphone.

[zeino]

TiredofVampires hi,

Thank you for this discussion and sharing your dilemma with candor. Also kudos to you for trying to find a balance between your health and your emotional satisfaction in life. I'd like to comment on one way of how serodiscordant couples choose to deal with situations like this - others ways are surely possible. Basically, instead of focusing on one thing that may be a high risk factor (say, kissing or intercourse or whatever) as if it had to be a constant in relationships, the let go of that thing and try to compensate for with through alternative activities they discover - which may prove to be even more pleasant depending on how willing the partners are to try new ways of intimacy and pleasure as well as staying together. Most workers in the medical community may just focus on kissing and dental dams etc and the picture doesn't sound that attractive. However, either through certified professional sex educators if that's available or through support communities or individual creativity, many couples discover that the whole body is an erotic zone with lots of opportunities for pleasure and intimacy. For instance, if X activity is causing too much anxiety at a certain point, they may discover or invent a Y. Instead of kissing on the mouth, they may try long kisses on the neck murmuring love words or alongside the spine etc. Let creativity rule. Many serodiscordant couples have a very good level of emotional intimacy and pleasure - and they also feel very good because they didn't let a certain activity come between them and anxiety is avoided. They build a new kind of intimacy by sticking together and not letting a medical condition come between them. And they feel close and strong as a couple because of this. Sometimes it's pretty emotional because you cannot have bodily contact with your partner in ways you are used to and you may want to cry, sometimes you are frustrated and sometimes you are actually very excited but ultimately you are very happy that they are there in your life. Imagine a HIV+ partner's viral load being high at that time and imagine the idea of contact of genitals is anxiety producing for them. Then the couple may opt for alternatives. They build a different aesthetic, a different understanding. Now, probably most people who are not in this particular relationship would not say this is how they would like to lead their sexual lives because this lack of contact sounds like a loss, but to the couple other solutions are a gift because it makes it possible for them to add something to their relationship. This is because they are a couple and they have chosen that person for a particular reason and the person seems more important than a particular action. And sometimes, they discover new and very strong pleasures that they were unaware of before. Ultimately, we find ourselves thinking whether we can live without a particular activity for the sake of this relationship but not from a total point of loss; what can we bring into intimacy instead of this lost thing? Honestly, I don't think this is limited to STIs. I may particularly enjoy kissing in the mouth but I may have a partner that I love and who is unfortunately such a bad kisser that it's not the big fun it used to be. Some very dear emotional partners are just dull sex partners. There is always the risk of losing a favourite activity in all relationships for reasons other than STIs. To me, STI isn't the only situation that makes me decide: Do I want my own established sex life as I have come to know it, or do I want to be with this person? And serodiscordant partners can be unforgettable partners regardless of +/- or what they choose to do or not just like others can be unforgettably bad even though there isn't a health barrier. Certainly priorities change for everyone but once you have become a serodiscordant couple, this doesn't feel much different because the emphasis is on being a couple. Serodiscordance is seen as a situation that is managed in an informed and cooperative way but it shouldn't be allowed to invade and rule the emotional intimacy aspect. When the couple has a strong bond, the rest comes. Strengthening that bond and creativity feel more helpful than feeling stuck with things that kill the fun. Personally, I understand "protection" (as an abstract notion) not as a way of protecting the negative partner from the virus only but as a way of protecting both partners emotionally and equally in addition to protection from the virus. Otherwise, it becomes kind of hierarchical and disturbs the harmony in the relationship - and the positive partner may rightfully want to pull themselves back. I hope you find what works out for you. 

[greywolf]

Imagine this: You have a fantastic date with someone and there appears to be potential for something to develop. He walks you to your door and leans in to kiss you. You want to badly, but stop him and say 'By the way, I am HSV1-positive and if in the unlikely event you have not already contracted it from somewhere/someone else, there is a small chance [assuming you are symptom free at the time] that I may pass it onto you to. Is that OK?'

 

Talk about mood killer.

 

It is a non-issue for most people, as most people have it, and for the vast, vast majority of those who do, it never results in anything more than an occasional sore.

 

If for some reason it is an issue for the date, the onus should be on them to investigate first given the above. The implicit assumption when deciding to kiss anyone should be that there is a risk of HSV-1 transmission. I don't think you need to broadcast that with a megaphone.

 

I understand where you're coming from, but I'd the situation were reversed, and I were hsv free, I'd want to know. The last thing I need is to possibly get genital herpes with someone I'm not that serious about yet.

 

This study ( ) states that asymptomatic shedding is the most common mechanism of transmission.

 

And given that type 1 can spread to pretty much anywhere on the body (type 2 is known for just preferring the genital area and rarely moving anywhere else) I'd say that it is the more dangerous of the two.

[tiredofvampires]

I am so grateful for everyone's input -- and have much to reply (as usual). I've just been nursing a hurt hand, so I am a little slow -- I hope those who have posted continue to follow this thread, as there are a lot of bits of input I want to address.

 

Zeino, that was a marvelous post, thank you -- I am going to post a response, but just wanted to thank you for now for providing the only "it doesn't have to be either you put yourself at risk and suck it up or dump him" alternative.

 

Greywolf -- it's great to see you on this thread, I am so happy you made it here and saw it!!!! Thank you for weighing in! You're definitely a voice that would understand...

 

I understand where you're coming from, but I'd the situation were reversed, and I were hsv free, I'd want to know. The last thing I need is to possibly get genital herpes with someone I'm not that serious about yet.

 

This study ( ) states that asymptomatic shedding is the most common mechanism of transmission.

 

And given that type 1 can spread to pretty much anywhere on the body (type 2 is known for just preferring the genital area and rarely moving anywhere else) I'd say that it is the more dangerous of the two.

 

YES!!

 

I think this is the most common misconception I'm finding in all of this: that people somehow thing type 2 is "Oh no, this could really cause me trouble, and it's going to ruin my genital health, oh, this is serious!" while type 1 is such an innocuous thing, it's just inconsequential and "only cold sores."

 

As crazy as it sounds I would have MUCH preferred for him to have genital type 2. Because that way, I could kiss him to my heart's delight (and I really love kissing more than just about any other act -- well, I'm a sucker [no pun intended] for other mouth-related activities too, but kissing is something you do lounging on the sofa, out in public, just to show affection, and it's a huge menu item for me in very intimate moments). With type 2, it seems so much more easily confined, and delineated -- just put a rubber on the sausage, and avoid outbreaks, and especially if he was on medication, I think my chances might be almost nill of getting it, whereas an unprotected mouth at all times presents some risk.

 

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THAT ARTICLE, GW!!! I have some medical abstracts I have wanted to post here and mean to, but I don't have professional access to the articles you do.

 

So your input and that article in particular are invaluable here.

 

I have more to respond about the content, but for now....you say that you and your husband were taking some level of precautions when still dating, but weren't that cafeful on some occasions. How do you define "not so careful"? Not using barrier methods when he was asymptomatic? Or having contact during his outbreaks, or when he felt symptoms coming on in the prodrome?

 

How did you feel about the risk then? Were you willing to take the risk though somewhat fearful, or...how did you regard the risk, when you knew that your future together was uncertain? Did you have fear?

 

You say "as far as I was aware", you were seronegative before dating him, or at least to some point. Did you actually get tested for antibodies before getting with him, or while with him at any point (I mean, to establish that you were negative)?

[tiredofvampires]

Another thing, Grey -- did you go into marriage with him thinking, "Since we will be together supposedly the rest of our lives", did that affect the level of precautions you took?

 

Did you feel at that point at peace with the idea that you would eventually get it? Or did you retain a hope that you would NOT get it, and make an effort not to get it, even after tying the knot?

 

(Another poster, lilypadgirl, has a fiance that kissed her while she was having an outbreak, saying, "I'll eventually get it anyway", and to me, that's quite daredevil...)

 

One last one here:

 

but everyone else I've been with has supposedly been HSV free.

 

Is that something you're assuming, or did you ask them to get tested?

 

Another thing I'm finding here is that when posters say, "none of my partners caught it," or "I didn't give it to any of my partners, they are fine"...I'm wondering, unless you got the results of their tests after you broke up (or now, if you are still with them), how would you know if it was transmitted to them or not?

 

Just because someone doesn't call you on the phone shrieking, "I have sores and it's been tested, you GAVE ME HERPES!" (which would be stupid because they might have gotten it somewhere else along the line), doesn't mean you didn't pass it to them...