Dating Someone with Oral Herpes

[reinventmyself]

Too long to read

Do you mean cold sore?

I have cold sore some times and I am a virgin... So this type is nothing to do with sex. My doctor said majority of people has this but it only breaks out on a portion of them especially when they are tired or weak.

You do know that you can pass that onto someone during oral sex while you are having an outbreak?.

If you don't already know this, please educate yourself.

[judithhz]

I wouldn't share dishes with friends if I have cold sore out break.

I mean the HSV1 can pass around in many ways, not only sexual activities. Doctor said even kids can get it.

 

You do know that you can pass that onto someone during oral sex while you are having an outbreak?.

If you don't already know this, please educate yourself.

[yatsue]

OP, to address your original concern, it sounds like you're experiencing something similar to what we microbiologists classify under scaring the population with too much knowledge. I applaud you for well informing yourself with accurate information about HSV, unlike most people. However, in my honest opinion with all the knowledge I know about this subject, you are overly concerned with a minor strain of HSV. Even when you're immunocompromised. The risk of it causing something big enough for concern is exponentially low. Additionally, ~90% of the population already has at least one type of the virus already by your age. You likely have antibodies against certain strains if you so much as shared a drink with your parents ever.

 

If you weed out potential people to date by these standards, you widdle your chances of potential partners to significantly less than 10%, which includes all age groups. I know what you've heard sounds terrifying, but you should shift your perspective on this alone. You have no idea if HSV is in it's dormant phase or not in an individual as well. You cannot tell this from physical appearance as some types can be asymptomatic.

 

Take it from me, I have HSV-1. I contracted mononucleosis from my ex (not cause of breakup) when I was a virgin. I had no idea he had it until after a couple months of dating. He was asymptomatic while I was symptomatic, despite contracting the same strain. It affects people differentially, but the symptoms went away and I've been in the dormant phase for a good while now. I'm with someone else now for over a year and he hasn't had anything from it. Even if I had known my ex would have given me the virus, I wouldn't have done anything different because I know the risks from a public health perspective. No offence, but you do not seem to, or let your fears overcome actuality. This is most of the general public's viewpoint (ahh I can hear retorts coming my way).

 

My microbiology professor once gave our class great advice. To paraphrase, if there's a significantly small chance your health will be affected by something, it is better to take the chance to be only that one affected person out of a few billion or hundreds of millions of people than to be worried about everything that scientists tell you all the time. Science is not exact and you should not have to fear every possible outcome. Just take reasonably feasible precautions to diminish your chances.

[tiredofvampires]

Yatsue, great to have you on my thread, as both a professional in the field and someone who has HSV-1, to be able to comment with both hats. Thank you so much for weighing in. I was hoping a microbiologist might see this and comment. We have a really good, diverse population here on ENA, and your knowledge base is very much appreciated.

 

I hope you won't mind engaging with me, as I unpack a few of the things you've said. I have some questions.

 

I first want to say that of course, my objective with this thread is to find out how HSV-1 has affected people, or how they view the potential effect on their lives of it. The fears I bring to the thread are mine -- as I try to discern what part of the scientific data coincides with the "actuality", as you put it, of people's real world experiences. I am baffled by the apparent discrepancy between the reports that most people give of not having given it to their partners (so far as they know, right?), while all the statistics say that 75% of infections are acquired when the virus is "dormant" (but shedding!) and that most people have this virus. Something doesn't make sense to me here, doesn't add up. No one gives it to their partner and everyone is fine, but infections are transmitted at high rates when people are asymptomatic? How does that make sense?

 

I'm sure you realize I'm not trying to scare the public; if more education is a result of this thread, that is all good and well, but my primary intention is to educate myself.

 

I know what you're saying about "too much knowledge" becoming frightening, and I can see where in your field, which can be scary, that would be an important take-home guideline; but as far as I'm concerned, there is really no such thing as "too much knowledge." Because I believe the motto that "knowledge = power", it would be like saying there's such a thing as too much power. To me, the more information a person has, the more informed a decision they can make. The problem comes when knowledge is incomplete, and so a proper perspective is not available. So your post in fact only ADDS to the knowledge I have, since knowledge is the sum total of everything I have learned on a subject and how to balance and integrate the various aspects of an issue. In a sense, every post here adds up to some kind of knowledge for me, even in the case of the first poster who responded to me, who demonstrates that a lot of people do not recognize there are any sexual ramifications for having HSV-1, and therefore treat it very cavalierly, which is probably reflected in the mindset of the dating pool as well.

 

In an ideal world, everyone would have the maximum amount of knowledge, including the proper way to evaluate the facts. I also appreciate that science is not exact, but I think the goal of science is to keep increasing the knowledge base all the time. I suppose I follow that model in my personal MO, which has in fact protected me from making a lot of medically wrong decisions. Science is the only way we can separate fact from fiction, so while it's not perfect, it's the closest thing we have to making as informed decisions as possible. Like, in the 80's, when HIV/AIDS was poorly understood, patients with it were treated like they had ebola. When it was discovered that it was present in all bodily fluids, but needed to be transmitted through blood, people like me could hug HIV positive patients who were sweating and crying without any fear of transmission. It was science that removed those fears, and I wish something equally exacting could be obtained for HSV.

 

As to the prevalence of herpes viruses -- again, you make a good point. In fact, I do have antibodies for EBV (Epstein-Barr virus, aka the usual cause of mononucleosis), CMV (cytomegalovirus), HHV-6, and a couple of mycoplasmas (which are not herpes viruses). I never had childhood chickenpox, but my older sister did, so I don't know if I have herpes zoster antibodies. I've never had a shingles outbreak, and given my immune situation, I do worry about being exposed to children with chicken pox, so I should probably find out at some point if I am carrying that virus and have immunity but don't know it.

 

So since I have at least 3 other herpes-type viruses, you're absolutely right, I am not trying to find someone who is free of all of them. I am not worried about being in contact with someone who has any of these viruses, as I already have the antibodies. As a matter of fact of irony, there is medical debate over whether these other viruses are in part the cause or at least a perpetuating factor in my immune problems. The role they play is not clear, and the question of "which came first, lowered host immunity or the burden of these viruses on the immune system", seems to be the chicken-or-the-egg issue here. I tend to favor the theory that stress burdens have lowered my immunity, these viruses became opportunistic, and now it's just a vicious cycle. But I do have a lot of symptoms of autoimmunity, which goes along with a body that is continually fighting invaders/infection.

 

Which is why I do not want to add to the burden, but in particular, with viruses that cause the consequences of genital pain and misery. As you know, those other viruses can be more lethal than this "mild" HSV, but in an area of the body that has been a "weak link" for me (when immunity is down, garden variety gyn infections can become a cause of real suffering), dealing with more trouble there is more concerning to me than carrying a dormant EBV infection.

 

Furthermore, I imagine those other viruses are contracted through body fluids and so can be transmitted sexually, but they are not know to be "Sexually Transmitted Infections", are they? I have never asked a doctor for a full STI/STD panel where they ordered EBV, CMV, and HHV-6, etc. antibodies. Hepatitis is ordered, but not those other viruses.

 

When those viruses are dormant, are they shedding and still contagious, like HSV? Why don't doctors classify them as STD's, and include them in those test panels? Just because they are a type of herpes doesn't mean the sexual implications are the same, correct?

 

And, for whatever it's worth, I don't think we can just erase the fact of stigma. It exists. It's out there. So if I told a partner I once had mononucleosis, I don't think it would have the same impact on him as if I told him I have HSV-2.

 

Do you think there is anything more "severe" about HSV-2 than HSV-1? From what I understand, their DNA is almost exactly the same. Yet people see them very differently.

 

Bottom line is, I think the impact of an infection on me would be as severe as the pain it causes me, the loneliness, the social perception, and the possible repercussions if I gave it to my partner. It may not be a life and death issue, but suffering is not quantified by that one criterion solely.

 

So once we exclude other types of herpes viruses, and focus solely on HSV-1, which is the only one I'm worried about here, we are not talking about my dating pool being shrunken to 10% or less of the population anymore, are we? I have read wildly varying statistics of the prevalence of HSV-1, and it's been anywhere from 60-80% of the population, with some literature saying "more than half (50%). So what percentage of the population has it?

 

I have a few more pointed questions, but I don't want this post to get too long. Just wanted to put out these thoughts first and ask those questions. Thank you in advance for your time and thoughtful response.

[Itchy]

I've read that in some cases HSV-1 and HSV-2 can lead to cases of meningitis.

 

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[reinventmyself]

Having said all of this and more. .

 

It's just food for thought - that an aspirin's warning label has a long, long list of possible side effect's, not to mention "cerebral edema, coma, confusion, dizziness, headache, cranial hemorrhage, lethargy and seizures" and so on.

 

FDA and other organizations have a responsibility to list all possible side effects not matter the probability, most likely for liability reasons.

 

Just wanted to throw that out there. . Something to think about.

[Itchy]

Having said all of this and more. .

 

It's just food for thought - that an aspirin's warning label has a long, long list of possible side effect's, not to mention "cerebral edema, coma, confusion, dizziness, headache, cranial hemorrhage, lethargy and seizures" and so on.

 

FDA and other organizations have a responsibility to list all possible side effects not matter the probability, most likely for liability reasons.

 

Just wanted to throw that out there. . Something to think about.

 

What has aspirin got to do with herpes?

[tiredofvampires]

What has aspirin got to do with herpes?

 

I think she was saying that we can think of "horror stories" or "worst-case scenarios" about anything, but it doesn't mean they are gonna happen...

[lilypadgirl]

tiredofvampires, I understand your concern and applaud your approach in understanding the facts. That said, if your main interest is in acquiring knowledge about HSV-1, perhaps you are better served by asking a doctor or a medical forum. (I suspect you'll still get a range of facts and a range of statistics.)

 

The bottom line is you are trying to figure out whether to give this guy a chance and whether to give your budding romance a chance. There are more factors at play here than just cold sores alone - namely the long-distance and potentially his conflict-avoidance.

 

I have HSV-1 and have had them since as long as I can remember - probably got them from my parents, as have most of the people. I didn't even realize there was a stigma to it until the past few years. For me, it's just like getting a cold every so often. As with a cold, I make sure to avoid people when I get one. Funnily, I've only realized its status as a STI and the stigma associated with it from reading these boards - no one that I have encountered in real life or in dating has ever made even a little deal out of it. To the best of my knowledge I don't think I've ever given it to anyone or if I have, that they've had outbreaks. I was so shy one time with my now fiance about an oncoming cold sore that he grabbed me and kissed me saying that he wants to be with me for the long-haul and he's going to get it eventually anyway. That was two years ago, he's never had an outbreak. (BTW, Abreva is wonderful - I use it when I feel one coming on and it's gone usually by the end of the day.)

 

The thing is, if your romance does eventually work, the odds of you getting it are almost 100%. It's ultimately up to you whether you want to risk your health, given your health conditions, for the possibility of this romance. I'm not saying this to downplay the health risk or the importance of educating yourself. What I am saying is you can collect all the facts (and I think most people are better served by getting more information), but at the end of the day, your decision is an emotional and personal one. However you choose, it's okay.

 

Good luck.

[tiredofvampires]

I do plan on talking more to doctors and specialists. I have two scheduled already.

 

Thank you for your respectful comments about my seeking all the information I can.

 

What I'm looking for here is the kinds of stories and personal views, and how risks were weighed out, and the consequences of risks taken, that you've posted about, so thanks.

 

The thing is, if your romance does eventually work, the odds of you getting it are almost 100%.

 

Have you been told this by a doctor or other professional sex health educator? It seems that would be the case, but wondering if this info is in stats?

 

One of my therapists (by the way, I see more than one therapist because they sub-specialize in different methods for different things) told me that her husband, who is extremely healthy, gets outbreaks occasionally on his mouth. And they just avoid kissing when that happens. I asked her about the shedding, and she said, "I have a fragile immune system like you, and I've been okay for 8 years with him, nothing so far!" Assuming she didn't contract it and is just asymptomatic, to me that wasn't very comforting. It was like saying, "I've walked down this same dark alley for 8 years, and so far, no one's ever mugged me. I've been okay."

 

The other female therapist said, "There are couples who live happily ever after, and they both have herpes, it's not big deal." And you know, if that was the case, maybe I could live with it (if he could live with someone potentially having outbreaks more often, so it would impact sexual activity in certain ways).

 

A few other questions:

 

1. How long have you been together and intimate, total? What precautions, if any, did you and your partner take before you knew you wanted to be together for the long haul? (that was pretty daring of him, wow) Did he ever worry about contracting it from oral-genital contact? What did you do in the beginning of your relationship? When you weren't SURE about eachother, and it was all unknown? Did you disclose it to him at the beginning?

2.

no one that I have encountered in real life or in dating has ever made even a little deal out of it.

And I'm starting to think that it's because there is still widespread misinformation about it. People don't realize HSV is HSV. I wonder if EVERYONE knew that "genital herpes" and "oral cold sores" are misleading words, since any cold sores on the mouth could become genital herpes, would the conversation in the real world change? Would the views and behaviors change? Would more precautions be taken?

 

3. Have you ever considered taking oral anti-viral medication to suppress it and asymptomatic shedding, so that your future husband does NOT get it? If not, why not? ("my guy" did mention using Abreva -- and I'm sure it helps shorten an outbreak, but what does it do for asymptomatic shedding? is that even a concern for you, or do you just use the Abreva for your own comfort, to reduce outbreaks?)

 

You are absolutely right: this question is coming down to, is this romance worth the risk. Is HE worth the risk. Annnnnnd...HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW THAT, UNTIL I KNOW THAT?? And that's where I am very stuck. There are no stats to consult on that, no doctor, no scientist, no nothing. I am almost praying that he ends up annoying me so much with other attributes, that those make this all a moot issue. But I have to say, that's a horrible attitude to take into this. I want to give myself a chance to fall in love with him over time without waiting for the flaws he has -- and we all have flaws -- to bring the axe down.

 

This is all very much complicated by the fact that my health has not been a cake walk. I have suffered a lot of grief over pain, and persistent things that would not go away, or only after a long time. I have had problems that affected my sexuality. I am not yet in menopause, but that is known to cause changes in the tissue which make it even more prone to infection. I have PTSD, related to things that have happened to my body. So for someone else, this is perhaps a no-brainer, if they are at the peak of life and they haven't ever known what it's like to be rejected over anything with their health, and have no knowledge of feeling their body has caused them pain, or betrayed them. I'm alone there.

 

This is just really getting me down. I couldn't sleep last night thinking about all this. What am I gonna do, how am I gonna know. We have so much in common, and so many things we could share, out of the ordinary for me in meeting someone. He's a kind, decent, person. He's a world of possibility...but as we speak, he is working from home after a good night's sleep, enjoying yardwork and runs with his dog. He's put this out of his mind. And off the table. I can't forget that I asked him, right before I wrote this thread, if he would be okay if I shared some information with him and he didn't even answer that part of that email. He's accidentally overlooked things before, and I have no idea now whether he just avoided it and moved on, or what. I'm in limbo. Apparently, he's like the rest of most of the population, and I am the freak.

 

He's a basically really healthy guy and he's got a lot of options where he lives. I live in a cultural sinkhole isolated from the rest of the world, with idiot potheads with no life plan, or a creme de la creme business class that has the money to afford the outrageous cost of living in "paradise", who would make it a dealbreaker that I can't hike and scuba dive with them.

 

I'm really in this alone.

[tiredofvampires]

Making my way back over some previous posts...

 

Any and all types of herpes, I'm outta there. Period. The stuff spreads like wildfire. My brother has oral herpes and his wife NEVER kissed him. One of his kids got it from sharing eating utensils, it's easily spread during an outbreak. Life's tough enough without adding anything else to it. No thanks.

 

Jigsup, I appreciated your completely different and unapologetic take on this. You were the lone one on this thread who weighed in so heavily with this POV.

 

It's especially noteworthy coming from you, since you have boldly stated how healthy you are on this forum.

 

So I had a few questions:

 

1. Have you always checked herpes status with all partners before becoming intimate? How about kissing?

2. Were you ever confronted with a GOOD PROSPECT in other ways, who was positive? How has your stand affected your choice-making in dating, or has it even been an issue?

2a. As you are older now, and it's harder to find men, would you ever think of negotiating this if someone as good as your last partner came along?

3. The story of your brother and his wife really interests me -- how does he feel about his wife NEVER kissing him? I can't imagine a marriage and sex life without kissing, it's so lovely and deeply intimate. Has he felt slighted at all, like he's missing out? Were they like that even when dating? How does SHE feel about not kissing (and maybe other things)?

4. Has your brother ever considered anti-viral medication to keep suppressing the virus, or do you know?

5. Do you ever fear being around him for the casual contact issue you mentioned?

6. Do you think he's been a bit sloppy about safe hygiene practices, so his kid got it, or has he been pretty diligent?

 

Anything you can tell me about how this has impacted their marriage, intimacy, or feeling "complete" and satisfied as a couple, would be really helpful.

[tiredofvampires]

This would be a non issue for me. I recently dated someone for a year. Both of us never had cold sores while we were together in that year but never discussed previous cold sores. We have been broken up now for 4 months and this week I developed a cold sore. It's basically a bump on my lip with a tingle. It doesn't bother me. It's nearly gone already. It's not a sickness. I don't know, I see so many of the population in my country with cold sore...it's like having freckles. I didn't read the whole thread but I read a few people saying life is hard enough without adding this. But I see it differently. Life is hard enough without making small things like this into a big issue. That just my opinion of course.

 

So I take it you didn't get tested before the relationship started?

[lilypadgirl]

Have you been told this by a doctor or other professional sex health educator? It seems that would be the case, but wondering if this info is in stats?

 

One of my therapists (by the way, I see more than one therapist because they sub-specialize in different methods for different things) told me that her husband, who is extremely healthy, gets outbreaks occasionally on his mouth. And they just avoid kissing when that happens. I asked her about the shedding, and she said, "I have a fragile immune system like you, and I've been okay for 8 years with him, nothing so far!" Assuming she didn't contract it and is just asymptomatic, to me that wasn't very comforting. It was like saying, "I've walked down this same dark alley for 8 years, and so far, no one's ever mugged me. I've been okay."

 

Not based on any medical stats - I'm not a medical doctor so take what I say based only on my personal experience and opinions. But, if you do end up with a person with HSV-1, then the odds are you will be kissing them a lot throughout your life and the odds are likely you will pick up the virus at some point. Even if you are careful to avoid kissing during an outbreak, sometimes you may not catch it early enough or careless. Many people have the virus, but are asymptomatic and may never know they have the virus. (My mom has outbreaks and my dad never did in the 30+ years they've been married.)

 

As I mentioned, I never realized that cold sores were stigmatized until recently and have never felt that way in my life. I assumed everyone had them, like colds. So in a way, I'm glad I was ignorant - I never felt the need to hide my cold sores or feel ashamed of it. I never treated it as a big deal and no one in my life has treated it as a big deal (gratefully). When I break out, I simply avoid sharing things or kissing anyone, like I would when I have a cold. Similarly, I've never had oral sex during a break out. Prior to my current fiance, I never disclosed about cold sores simply because I didn't know they are considered a STI. Similarly, I never hid it either because I didn't realize they were something to be ashamed of.

 

That said, after learning about it more, I am even more careful with it. With my fiance, I did mention it when we had the STI conversation, though he just shrugged it off and said he knew. I had a cold sore on my first date with him. Actually, he teased me a little about it - due to me not putting on makeup to cover it (I almost never wear makeup) rather than exposing him to a health risk.

 

It's funny about what your therapist said. I quoted it because that's similar to the attitude my fiance had. He figures he's bound to get it eventually if we are together and to him it's not a big deal. I agree with you - I thought it was daring of him - I never let him do that again - but for him it wasn't a big deal. Hmm, we've been together 3 years now and this was two years ago that he did that. We've been intimate pretty much from the beginning of our relationship so 3 years of intimacy.

 

I don't think cold sores should be stigmatized simply because most people get it when they are very young and not because of deviant sexual activity as STI's imply - I can't imagine what the mental state of growing up thinking I had a STI would have been like for my confidence and self-esteem (I generally struggle with self-esteem issues). For me, I view cold sores like a cold and Abreva like Tylenol Cold and let my body handle the rest. I do agree that people should be more educated on taking proper precautions and I am glad I am more aware in general. I've never thought about anti-viral medicine to be honest simply because I don't break out often enough for it to interfere that much in my life and I think it's mainly for handling frequent outbreaks. There are risks with all medicines and I'm the type that avoids them unless absolutely necessary.

 

I understand your specific situation and if I were you, I would also be worried about something that could cause persistent pain. Given this and that it's so early in your romance with these other relationship issues, I don't think this is the right relationship for you. It's going to just cause you more stress as you become more attached to him and you're already losing sleep over this. And coming back to the first point, unless you're super careful, if the relationship lasts, you should almost expect to get the virus eventually due to all the exposure over time. That said, many people are carriers and never know and therefore may never disclose to you. Chances are you have already been exposed to the virus.

 

BTW, regarding his reaction, I think he, probably like me, ignorantly wasn't aware it was a big deal and now is embarrassed. He will need to do his own research in his own time and figure out how to respond to you. So if you do pursue this relationship, you will also need to give him some time to come to terms with this. I'm certainly glad I was able to realize it on my own rather than anyone pointing it out at me and pushing information on me. That would be horribly embarrassing. As it is, while I am glad I know more about HSV-1, I realized I am more shy/embarrassed/sensitive about it (which prompted fiance's reaction two years ago).

 

Good luck.

[judithhz]

I absolutely agree with your opinion on HSV1.

That is what my doctor told me.

I keep distant with people (avoid sharing food and dining out with friends) when I have cold sore but itself is nothing serious.

I asked my doctor did I get this?"

Doctor

 

Not based on any medical stats - I'm not a medical doctor so take what I say based only on my personal experience and opinions. But, if you do end up with a person with HSV-1, then the odds are you will be kissing them a lot throughout your life and the odds are likely you will pick up the virus at some point. Even if you are careful to avoid kissing during an outbreak, sometimes you may not catch it early enough or careless. Many people have the virus, but are asymptomatic and may never know they have the virus. (My mom has outbreaks and my dad never did in the 30+ years they've been married.)

 

As I mentioned, I never realized that cold sores were stigmatized until recently and have never felt that way in my life. I assumed everyone had them, like colds. So in a way, I'm glad I was ignorant - I never felt the need to hide my cold sores or feel ashamed of it. I never treated it as a big deal and no one in my life has treated it as a big deal (gratefully). When I break out, I simply avoid sharing things or kissing anyone, like I would when I have a cold. Similarly, I've never had oral sex during a break out. Prior to my current fiance, I never disclosed about cold sores simply because I didn't know they are considered a STI. Similarly, I never hid it either because I didn't realize they were something to be ashamed of.

 

That said, after learning about it more, I am even more careful with it. With my fiance, I did mention it when we had the STI conversation, though he just shrugged it off and said he knew. I had a cold sore on my first date with him. Actually, he teased me a little about it - due to me not putting on makeup to cover it (I almost never wear makeup) rather than exposing him to a health risk.

 

It's funny about what your therapist said. I quoted it because that's similar to the attitude my fiance had. He figures he's bound to get it eventually if we are together and to him it's not a big deal. I agree with you - I thought it was daring of him - I never let him do that again - but for him it wasn't a big deal. Hmm, we've been together 3 years now and this was two years ago that he did that. We've been intimate pretty much from the beginning of our relationship so 3 years of intimacy.

 

I don't think cold sores should be stigmatized simply because most people get it when they are very young and not because of deviant sexual activity as STI's imply - I can't imagine what the mental state of growing up thinking I had a STI would have been like for my confidence and self-esteem (I generally struggle with self-esteem issues). For me, I view cold sores like a cold and Abreva like Tylenol Cold and let my body handle the rest. I do agree that people should be more educated on taking proper precautions and I am glad I am more aware in general. I've never thought about anti-viral medicine to be honest simply because I don't break out often enough for it to interfere that much in my life and I think it's mainly for handling frequent outbreaks. There are risks with all medicines and I'm the type that avoids them unless absolutely necessary.

 

I understand your specific situation and if I were you, I would also be worried about something that could cause persistent pain. Given this and that it's so early in your romance with these other relationship issues, I don't think this is the right relationship for you. It's going to just cause you more stress as you become more attached to him and you're already losing sleep over this. And coming back to the first point, unless you're super careful, if the relationship lasts, you should almost expect to get the virus eventually due to all the exposure over time. That said, many people are carriers and never know and therefore may never disclose to you. Chances are you have already been exposed to the virus.

 

BTW, regarding his reaction, I think he, probably like me, ignorantly wasn't aware it was a big deal and now is embarrassed. He will need to do his own research in his own time and figure out how to respond to you. So if you do pursue this relationship, you will also need to give him some time to come to terms with this. I'm certainly glad I was able to realize it on my own rather than anyone pointing it out at me and pushing information on me. That would be horribly embarrassing. As it is, while I am glad I know more about HSV-1, I realized I am more shy/embarrassed/sensitive about it (which prompted fiance's reaction two years ago).

 

Good luck.

[Itchy]

I think she was saying that we can think of "horror stories" or "worst-case scenarios" about anything, but it doesn't mean they are gonna happen...

 

Herpes is no laughing matter though and while the odds are catching it are low, I wouldn't risk it.

[charity]

So I take it you didn't get tested before the relationship started?

 

We both did actually.

[Pixels]

Herpes is no laughing matter though and while the odds are catching it are low, I wouldn't risk it.

 

Odds are most of the population has it... Odds are if you've dated a half-dozen people at any point in your life, you've almost definitely been exposed to it. Most people who catch it get it from their parents, or get exposed to it during early school years... It's asymptomatic in most of the population... The people who do show symptoms of HIV-1 and 2 have 1-time breakouts, or breakouts so insignificant that they're mistaken for pimples or other minor blemishes. The virus works its way into deep nerve tissues where it can stay dormant while avoiding detection by the immune system, emerging only to shed itself. Yes, sometimes the virus causes tremendous harm to its host (because nerves can eventually lead to neural tissue, or the virus can migrate into spinal nerves)... But in the vast majority of the population the virus is asymptomatic (both types 1 and 2) for the entire lifetime of the host.

 

So I take it you didn't get tested before the relationship started?

 

Doctors don't test for HPV-1/2 unless there's a new outbreak, and then they only test so they can prescribe proper suppressants when there's obvious outbreaks/symptoms. There's some visual signs a professional may be able to use to distinguish the two major types, but generally a test requires actual DNA analysis. STD tests don't include tests for herpes, because the tests are relatively expensive, and if they did perform them, nearly everyone would test positive.

 

Fun fact... We're all full of viral DNA, almost all of them have never actually been discovered and classified, so we really have no idea where they came from... Their effects vary, and which viruses we're carrying depend largely on where we were born... Some of these lesser-known viruses have been correlated to social-aptitude, hand-eye coordination, depression, etc... Looking at parts of our DNA, there's considerable evidence that we've essentially co-evolved to tolerate viral infection... With a strong minority of modern infectious exceptions, or exceptions of strains with unsually high rates of mutation...

 

If you have an immune disorder, that's a serious consideration and you should be in close communication with a trusted doctor...

 

For the majority of the population, we probably have herpes, and if we don't, we'd never know if we did.

[Itchy]

Odds are most of the population has it... Odds are if you've dated a half-dozen people at any point in your life, you've almost definitely been exposed to it. Most people who catch it get it from their parents, or get exposed to it during early school years... It's asymptomatic in most of the population... The people who do show symptoms of HIV-1 and 2 have 1-time breakouts, or breakouts so insignificant that they're mistaken for pimples or other minor blemishes. The virus works its way into deep nerve tissues where it can stay dormant while avoiding detection by the immune system, emerging only to shed itself. Yes, sometimes the virus causes tremendous harm to its host (because nerves can eventually lead to neural tissue, or the virus can migrate into spinal nerves)... But in the vast majority of the population the virus is asymptomatic (both types 1 and 2) for the entire lifetime of the host.

 

I'm cool with being single, I don't even like the idea of kissing someone with their germs. I'll keep my own germ collection and everyone else can keep theirs. I'm happy, they're happy, we're all happy.

[reinventmyself]

We both did actually.

 

Blood tests for HSV are not conclusive and are only helpful if you are symptomatic.

[tiredofvampires]

A couple of points need to be made here, about being "exposed." Not directed at anyone.

 

First of all, many people on this thread have said that with the prevalence of HSV, most of us have been exposed to it.

 

The word "exposed," in medical language, has a very specific meaning -- it means that you have acquired the infection. Just for clarification, because some people may think that "exposed" could mean you had contact with it, but it didn't affect you or you didn't get it. That is incorrect. EXPOSED means that the germ has entered your body, your body has been infected with whatever the microbe is, and now your immune system has to take measures to deal with it. The immune system will form antibodies against it, after a certain amount of processing of the information that this germ is now to be attacked.

 

And from there, you will be symptomatic or asymptomatic, depending on the type of organism, your own immune system strength, and even genetics. Some viruses, like cold viruses (and even HPV), your body can or will wipe out completely if you have a healthy immune system, and some viruses, like HIV, and HSV, are incurable. You will have them for life. The most you can hope for is controlling them (though they may be controlled very well; yet this does not mean that a partner you pass it on to will be able to equally have theirs well-controlled).

 

But because your body is now infected, your blood can be tested for the antibodies against that germ, once the antibodies have been made. This is "EXPOSED". You will not know if you've been exposed until you get your blood tested.

 

I could kiss a person with a weeping cold sore and if in 6 months time (though 3 months is a sufficient time to wait for results), I am tested for HSV-1 and am negative, I have NOT been "exposed" to HSV-1.

 

In my case, I have repeatedly tested negative for HSV 1 and 2 antibodies. This means that I have clearly not been exposed to HSV. And regardless of however many men I kiss, if I continue to test negative, I have not been exposed. In a previous post, I explained the reasons I believe I have so far averted it -- it's a combination of luck, being cautious, and having long courtships that don't lead too quickly to kissing and sex, and having partners get tested before. By that time they and I have built trust, and they have all tested negative for the HSV antibodies. So I was not exposed because they were never infected either.

 

I have had probably the same number of partners and attempts at dating as the average person. So it's not like I have been locked away somewhere. There are a few random kisses I've had with guys, yes, or without first testing. I've taken chances. And in those cases, no I didn't know if they had HSV-1 positive status. But I was not exposed even if they did, because my own body has continued to be HSV-1 free, as shown in antibody tests.

 

Of course, as more than half the population has HSV-1, it was bound to happen that my lucky streak would run out. That time is now.

 

This would be the first partner that could very likely expose me to HSV-1, meaning, I would catch it from him because I know he has it, I know I don't have it, and if we were intimate, the risk of being exposed would be cumulative.

 

It's asymptomatic in most of the population... But in the vast majority of the population the virus is asymptomatic (both types 1 and 2) for the entire lifetime of the host.

 

I don't know if that's correct, that the vast majority, or even the majority, of the population is asymptomatic. I'd have to research that. Regardless, the man I am dealing with IS symptomatic, and he says that he gets outbreaks more than once a year, and that a few times there were a series of outbreaks back-to-back. Last time he had one was about 6 months ago, he said. So he gets them.

 

And as stated many times on this thread, asymptomatic does NOT mean "not contagious". You can be contagious while asymptomatic, and that is when the vast majority of new herpes infections are acquired (since most people are smart enough to avoid someone with an outright sore).

 

That is the most worrisome part of this condition. That you don't know when or how often the virus is "shedding". By the time it reaches critical mass to form a blister or outbreak, it's already been shedding before, and between outbreaks.

 

It's true we have many kinds of viral DNA and bacteria in our bodies. We are a powerhouse of all kinds of microorganisms. I am not afraid of ones that won't affect the quality of my life.

 

HSV-1 could and would likely affect my quality of life significantly.

 

Being alone the rest of my life will affect my life negatively as well. Not that this man is the only man on the planet. But as I get older, date more, etc., the odds of this dilemma appearing increase, and here we are.

[tiredofvampires]

Also, it's worthy to note that asymptomatic viral shedding does not necessarily correlate with the person's immune system and how robust it it.

 

Say you take someone who has never had an outbreak. They don't know they were exposed, acquired HSV. Then a sex partner asks them to get a test for it, and lo and behold, they find out they are positive. Let's say they are extremely healthy and active, and their immune system is naturally robust, and they continue not to have outbreaks. Not having an outbreak does not mean that the virus is not active, that's what I'm saying.

 

The virus can still be shedding from the nerves where they are lying dormant to the skin, regardless. Because that's just the virus doing its thing. It's what viruses do. The immune system does not stop the virus from shedding -- but it can keep it from turning into an outbreak, or being as severe.

 

This man though is very healthy in every other way. He's 54 and is extremely athletic, does extreme hot yoga several times a week, runs, is outdoorsy, and looks as fit as a man in his 20's. And he still has outbreaks.

[tiredofvampires]

Blood tests for HSV are not conclusive and are only helpful if you are symptomatic.

 

Actually, HSV tests are now very accurate. VERY rarely, a person can test false negative, but a positive is taken as 100% certainty by any doctor. No doctor has ever shed any doubt on my negative results, either.

 

They have refined the sensitivity of HSV testing fairly well, and this much I DO know directly from my doctor, but here is a good info sheet:

 

 

 

These assays are highly sensitive (91%–100%) and specific (93%–100%) for HSV-1 and HSV-2 infection, even in the absence of symptoms. Thus, a negative result suggests absence of infection. Because antibodies may take several weeks to reach detectable levels after primary infection, negative results should be confirmed by repeat testing 4 to 6 weeks later in cases of suspected early infection.

 

A positive result strongly suggests infection with HSV.

 

[reinventmyself]

Different websites say different things. I got my info from the CDC

[tiredofvampires]

I'm cool with being single, I don't even like the idea of kissing someone with their germs. I'll keep my own germ collection and everyone else can keep theirs. I'm happy, they're happy, we're all happy.

 

Well, I wish I was as cool with being single as you, haha. I can do it. I've been single for many years. But I miss relationships, and I think they bring a lot of richness to life. Of course, people can be happy without them. I could find meaning in life without one. But I would much rather have this dimension in my life as well, this kind of intimacy, than not.

[Itchy]

Well, I wish I was as cool with being single as you, haha. I can do it. I've been single for many years. But I miss relationships, and I think they bring a lot of richness to life. Of course, people can be happy without them. I could find meaning in life without one. But I would much rather have this dimension in my life as well, this kind of intimacy, than not.

 

I love being on my own, but each to their own. I am very introverted and I prefer my own company (most of the time). I love myself, I like myself and I am comfortable with myself, so I don't need or want anyone, that said we're all different, so what works for me won't work and that's beautiful stuff. You seem like a nice person, so I hope you find that man you're searching for.